Another rubbish morning

[wundress]

Well, my wife has been on anti psychotics since the beginning of January. Since then her mood has generally been much better. But last week the aggression in the mornings started to creep back in.

Friday morning she was in a foul mood. She said it was because she felt unwell with flu like symptoms. She endrd up sleeping all day Saturday which I didn't mind as she needed some rest.

Sunday we had a lovely day.

Monday morning she was back to being foul. She shouted at our 6 year old for no reason. She had a go at me and then stomped out of the house for the day. I then messaged her to tell her I was unhappy with her behaviour. Later on we talked and she said she wouldn't behave like that again. I told her not to make promises she can't keep and that she could maybe just try not to be rude and tell me if she feels bad.

Yesterday she was ok. I think because she knew I had an important gynae appointment to discuss hormone treatment for depression. She came with me. At the appointment they started me on prostap to shut down my ovaries. That's been really quite scary as I'm 30 and it seems early to have to make decisions about my child bearing future. I've not really been able to talk to her about it. She then when back to work. After work she asked if it would be ok for her to go out for the evening. Thing is, she was only asking me after she had already arranged it! This is one of the tells that something is going to go wrong but I didn't mention it to her as I knew it would cause a row.

Then this morning she made our daughter some porridge but it was inedible. So I took it back to the kitchen and warmed it up some more. My wife went mad. She said I "always" do this. I said I was only warming it a bit more. She started screaming at me and calling me names. Then she stomped off leaving me to do everything to prepare for school. I was very upset and crying because I already feel emotional and am worried another BPD episode is coming on but she ignores that. She has continued to snip and snarl at me even after I told her her behaviour is unacceptable and I walked away from her.

Thing is we are meant to see a solicitor yesterday to discuss her business. She couldn't go on her own as she won't understand what he is talking about. But now I don't want to go with her. Why should I support her when she is being so difficult? I have my own things to worry about at the moment.

I don't know what to do about the behaviour. It is definitely worse in the lead up to her period so I'm thinking severe Pms but she won't have any of it. It's easier for her to blame BPD and not take any responsibility. I'm also concerned that she behaves like this whenever she hangs around with a certain group of friends. She was very cagey after she came back.

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[Georgina T]

Hi. Why is she taking antipsychotics? Not usually a BPD treatment... .from what I know

In any case, has she in your knowledge been taking those meds as prescribed by her doc?

Also, if she is willing to take meds would she go to some sort of therapy? DPT or CBT?

I have personally found that complete withrdawal of attention has worked in the past better than ultimatums if not followed (when dealing with my mum... .dealing with a partner is perhaps different but maybe not too much)

[wundress]

Hi

She takes anti psychotics to control her mood and severe dissociation prescribed by the psychiatrist. She takes them every evening at bed time and she definitely takes them.  She already has CBT with a counsellor who specialises in sexual abuse and personality disorders.

I took myself out of the situation but it's a bit difficult when she looms over everything like a black cloud and I have to get our daughter ready for school. When she's in one of those moods the slightest thing can trigger a tirade of abuse. After our daughter had gone to school I went to the bedroom and stayed there until my wife had gone to work. It was really unpleasant as I was on edge hoping she wouldn't come up and continue to shout. She also calls me all sorts of names.

I literally can't believe how such a small thing can trigger such an aggressive and overblown response.  I only said the porridge needed more time to cook. It was quite clearly freezing cold and not remotely cooked. If she had taken the time to check in the first place then she would have seen it needed more time and I wouldn't have had to take it back. I'm not going to let our daughter eat raw porridge Oats and freezing cold milk!

Unfortunately this is not an uncommon series of events. Last July a major BPD episode started in this way and so I am concerned that this is where she is headed again.

I know ultimatum don't work but she also has to realise that she cannot act like that and expect me to do things for her with no consequences.

[Georgina T]

It sounds severe... .she reminds me a bit of my mother

Symptoms got worse around her menopause... .

She must have taken the cold porridge comment as a criticism and as you know she is very upset when feel criticized...

She seems to do all the right things. I don't know what to say. What does your daughter say? Did she think too much over the incident or was it for her 'one of mummy's crisis'?

It sounds as if your wife is into a bad period... .

[wundress]

It's upsetting because she seemed much better on these meds. I definitely think BPD is affected by hormones.

Our daughter doesn't even react very much anymore. She knows both her mummies have mental health issues and that her Mumma  (my wife) sometimes can't control her own feelings. Sometimes she will tell us off for "arguing". My worry is that our daughter is starting to think it's OK to shout at someone and be abusive and to never apologise.  She had also started to react less to my being upset by wife's behaviour.

[Notwendy]

I don't know anything about the medication you were prescribed to shut down your ovaries.  I am not a professional asking this, but I wonder why they would consider this in someone your age. Are there alternative choices? What about birth control pills? Do you think they didn't consider this since you are in a same sex relationship? It sounds like a decision that is upsetting and I wonder what all your choices are.

I also think that somehow she saw the porridge incident as invalidating. It isn't your fault, but she may see things like this differently. You need to be you- you can't be WOE trying to predict her reactions. They can be unpredictable. You can try to not take them personally, albeit it is hard to do that sometimes. I would be concerned about the child, as she can't understand this.

[wundress]

Hi

The decision to shut down my ovaries is something which I have considered for a long time. No anti depressants, mood stabilisers, counselling, exercise, diet etc has ever made any difference.

I've been on the pill before which made things worse.  The reason being that they believe that I, along with thousands of other women, are over sensitive to their own progesterone. All other options include a small dose of progesterone. The prostap injection is the only injection which contains no progesterone. To be honest I'd rather go through a hysterectomy than continue the depression. I've already had it for 20 years! Anyway, they are trying to injection for 6 months before they make further decisions. The gynae I saw is a specialist in the field and I know other women she has treated and it has completely taken away the depression for them.

Basically it comes down to nothing else ever having worked. The depression is cyclical and started when I was 10 soon after I  started my periods.

Our daughter had therapy and I talk to her a lot about mental health and why her Mumma is the way she is. She's a highly intelligent little person. Next thing will be to explain why I don't have periods anymore because she already knows all about them and finds them interesting!