on the brink of divorce

[TwinMama]

So, here is my story:

Husband and I met three years ago... .have been married a little over a year.  Things were great at first... .he asked me to marry him after a few months... .we got pregnant early on and I had a miscarriage... .all of this happened in the first few months of dating... .he would threaten to break up with me and rage against me for the silliest of things. I would call incessantly begging him not to break up with me, not proud of this but of course i do have my own issues and I was in love with him. We would get back together, but he would sometime say that he felt forced to get back together with me cause I would not leave him alone.  Anyway he moved in after several months, then quit his job and has been sporadically working since then. He lied about talking to other women behind my back, but claimed it was just to screw with the women and lead them on, cause he hates women... .he was sexually abused by his mother and her family as a child.  So, he left twice before we got married.  The second time he left, we were planning to move to a new apartment that very day and I come home to an empty apartment and a Dear Jane letter.  However, he helped me move to my new place after I begged him to do so.  Again, me begging him, sounds like I am the BPD one, but that is the only trait in myself I see... .me always begging him not to leave and trying desperately to get him back.  So fast forward to getting married 2015.  Just before that I found out he lied to me about working yet again.  However, after we got married, things were good, and he got a job later that summer.  But he lost the job after a few months.  I dont really know the details, but I suspect it had something to do with an run in with a coworker. He is a very outspoken person and always thinks others are doing him wrong and is quick to call people out on it.  So anyway, needless to say no job since then, but lied to me about getting another job recently.  He has always said that I need help and I have serious issues.  I do have anxiety and depression and was off meds for a while but recently got back on them and go to counseling.  So anyway, fast forward to one month ago, he left for the third time.  Again, I had no real clue it was coming.  He has always threatened to leave since almost day 1, but then will say he would never do it and was committed to our marriage.  There were several times that I thought for sure I was coming home to an empty house,. but I did not.  So my guard was down a little and the day he left he went to our storage unit and got himself another unit for his stuff, and told me that he was getting us a smaller unit for our stuff collectively.  However, when he picked me up form work he was reassuring me that things were fine, although they were not.  When I opened the door, I knew he had left again.  This time it was the worst, he left me with no car (we sold my car and were planning to buy me a new one with the tax money), took all the tax return money, took money from my kids piggy banks.  I was heartbroken.  And recently he texted intimate pictures to my parents and sent them god knows what else via text.  He still won't give me my half of the tax money and will only give me a $20 here and there.  He has some really perverse sexual fantasies, even making me have sex with other men and take pictures for him to see.  Those are what he sent my parents.  Well, the latest fight happened Monday. He thought for sure I was going behind his back meeting other men, trying to "replace him" as he put it.  That is absolutely not true but he refused to believe me.  When h sent those pictures to my parents, I told him that was unforgivable.  he curse me and called me horrible names.  he again said it was over, and this time I did not hesitate to say fine, i want out too. However, I do not want out and I know he does not either.  We havent talked since then and I dont know what to do.  I dont know if I should give him his space or if I should reach out to him, as i fer both would make him mad.  I know he has BPD, he fits a lot of the traits, except he does not beg me to come back nor does he threaten suicide.  he does have an addiction to pain pills.  HELP! What do I do?  My heard knows i should let him go, but my heart won't let me... .the heart wants what it wants... .I know that what he does is a result of his BPD and we were going to counseling, but every time he thinks I might let him down, he bails. I get why he does what he does, but it is killing me. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Grey Kitty]

Hi TwinMama, and welcome!

 Wow, what a story.

What should you do... .? I'm a bit of a hard-headed pragmatist, but I'd suggest you start with it in two different areas, and I put them very intentionally in the order I did.

First, make sure you and your children are taken care of. You probably need to get some kind of car, asap. Since your husband hasn't held a job much over the three years, I'm assuming that you do have one that is good enough to support you and your kids. Did you depend on him for child care while you were working?

Do you have people you can call on for practical help, like a ride to get groceries, babysitting so you can do some errands, etc? (Or perhaps loaning you a car, or money for a down payment on one while you sort things out?)

I would work on taking care of these needs independent of your H, whether he comes back or not.

Second, what to do about your husband.

What do you think about the money issues? Do you think he's just being greedy and/or trying to hurt/punish you by taking things? Or do you think he is pretty much broke, and has probably been spending the money on himself?

Also, do you have money in joint accounts, or accounts in your name only? It might be time to stop putting your paycheck into a joint account if you haven't already... .That may be the right thing to do, but it also will probably get a reaction, so do think about it first, and perhaps post here with more questions about that side of things. (When does your next paycheck come in?)

Bigger than money is what the future of your marriage looks like, and that you haven't been talking to him. That's so tough.

Before you reach out to him, spend a little time thinking about exactly what you do want.

Is life with him so volatile that you would feel safer re-connecting but living separately for a while?

[MapleBob]

That is one intense story, TwinMama, and welcome to the board! 

I agree with Grey Kitty that taking care of your own needs regardless of the outcome of this relationship is going to be crucial for you. Personally, I hear your story and would tend to think that this guy should be begging for you to come back and apologizing to you instead of the other way around, but that's hardly pragmatic advise... . 

There are a lot of red flags here, but I hear you that you love him and miss him and want things to be different. What kind of boundaries could you set if/when he returns? It might be helpful for you to focus on that. Are you familiar with codependence?

[TwinMama]

So my parents gave me money for a car.  They bailed me out again.  There really has been no change in things... .he continues to threaten divorce every other day and rages at me for the smallest of things.  Such is the rollercoaster of BPD relationships.

[Grey Kitty]

TwinMama,

You got money for a car from your parents. That has to mean that they support you, even if there are smaller problems between you and them.

Are you safe/stable in basic logistical ways? You have a home, a car, a job, and enough money to keep your family fed and your phone turned on, etc. Obviously if there are issues here you need to deal with them first.

I'm not clear on your story here... .you say things are back to the normal crazy... .does that mean he's living with you and the kids now?

Anyhow, I'm kindof assuming that priority #1 (safety and minimum needs for yourself and your kids are taken care of) That leaves priority #2: Reduce conflict with your husband.

Have you had time to read any of the lessons here? (You can find them in the sidebar --->>>>

You say he will rage at you over the smallest things. This isn't healthy for you to listen to... .or for him to be doing to you either, for that matter. One technique you can use when he starts (or when he's starting to spool up and you know it is coming) is take a time out. Read more here:

How to take a time out