Advice needed

[miraclehands]

Hello,

My wife was recently diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. We have been married for 6 years and it has been tough. I don't know much about BPD but i want to learn as much about the disorder as possible, to be able to help my wife and our marriage.

I love my wife dearly and have never left her side, she says she now see's that and wants to really start over and put all things in the past? Is that possible for someone with BPD? I have already forgiven her for the things she has done over the six years. It helped when she admitted to everything and was honest about everything.

Is this realistic? For her to finally admit she needs help?

We start marriage counseling next week and she already started seeing a therapist.

Any suggestions on book or material to ready to try to understand BPD?

Thank you

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[tryingsome]

So here is my experience, though yours might be different.

pwBPD tend to want to have a clean slate. So to say they want to put all the things in the past isn't so far fetched.

The hard part is, can they do that with you? If they are going with a clean slate, you are kind of already on the chalkboard.

So given that, it is not uncommon for them to break away once starting T or MC. Every pwBPD is different though.

It might not happen, but just keep an eye out.

pwBPD are usually pretty aware of their issues, maybe not the full scope but they do have understanding how their behavior impacts the lives of those around them.

So for her to admit this, that too is not so far fetched.

As mentioned above, can she handle this newfound enlightenment with you there?

It is imperative that you convince her (and not in enmeshed way) that going forward together is better.

That doing this as a couple is even more special than starting over... .that most people start over... .and she is not most people.

I would highly recommend reading about #3->Tools on the right hand side.

People tend to go the 'Stop Walking on Eggshels' as the go to reading material.

[miraclehands]

Thank you!

Yes i'm proud of her seeking help. Admitting herself into the hospital was definitely the first step.

SInce she has been released, we talk everyday about how she is feeling. A lot of times its just me listening and she is ok with that. Once she confessed to everything, it was like a burden was lifting off her chest and also allowed me to start forgiving for the past. It definitely wasn't easy hearing the things she has done, but i think it was imperative for me to know. With her being 100% honest about everything, shows me that she is serious about getting help and reviving our marriage.

[lbjnltx]

"Cleaning the Slate" is a significant event that recognizes the failures and shortcomings of the past and taking responsibility for them while having hope for a better and healthier future.  It is a step in addiction recovery, it is a step for patients in residential care. 

It is wonderful that your wife has taken the initiative to do this so that you can both move onto a better future without the heavy weights of the past slowing you down or tiring you out.

lbj

[waverider]

The clean slate is like pressing restart on a video game. It is acknowledgement that they are failing, but the ability to know how to get to the next level doesn't automatically come with it. pwBPD tend to block or excuse away past mistakes rather than learn from them. This is what makes any form or treatment difficult. So the restart often brings with it a whole lot of rinse repeat. Followed by multiple restarts before any real progress is learned.

It is at this stage we get all enthusiastic about jumping in and guiding them to the next level, but we cant, they first have to fully understand why they keep being stuck at that level. Acknowledgement is not a fast track to a quick fix.

Continue to look after yourself and work on how best you dont make things worse, be there to support her when she fails again, the risk is they give up believing they can never improve. Incremental improvements are hard for them to see as they think in pass/fail mode.