Sorta dysregulation with daughter

[waitingwife]

So uBPDH has been in & out of dysregulations and we had a detailed talk about me trying to overcome codependency and my goals whereas he didn't have any goals... .His goal from what I got was to accept himself. Anyways I let that roll for now as I am really very invested in my own life and changing a few things which causes me enough pain at times so I am going to let him be and deal with his monkeys.

Now we have a 5 year old who is already a bit more mature than she should be die to my codependency and his BPD issues which I recognized late. But this is what happened today and I'd like if you all chime in with suggestions:

H had taken child to play outdoor by making sometime off work coz I always take her but requested him to take her today as I had errands to run. So while they're at the playground, our  child's mom calls ME inviting our daughter to another playground very near our house and I said I will check if my H can drop her off coz our daughter usually plays with this other girl in the neighbourhood. H agrees to drop her and when he goes there, they don't find the friend's mom.

Then when I called H to see our daughter was settled, he says no those people are so not courteous and how they're useless, etc. I validated and said yeah how rude was it on their part and how it must have ruined H & dsughter's evening.

After returning home, he says I told our daughter to just play on that other playground since we had gone and she refused and said she wants to go home. So H says to our daughter he is really not happy and how he left his work & took her from 1 playground to another and he said she cried a lot. My heart sank since I was going back into my codependent and perfectionist self... .Not wanting to hurt the feelings of our daughter but certain times when I am stressed or triggered, I have also been displeased about her choices and then dusted myself up, apologized to her if I was wrong and moved in. I am trying hard to move in from this incident too but it's really hard. Should I be addressing it with uBPDH? He is besting himself up in his mind already... .I can tell by the way he was being aloof & quiet... .Or should I just tell myself - his circus, his monkeys and do whatever good I can do with our child and keep working on myself. I am the one who spends the most time with her anyways... .Such things worry me so much sometimes ablut what if something happens to me someday... .Will our only child be doomed due to BPD! My scariest thought ever... .It even keeps me up sometimes.

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[Turkish]

I hear you about the worry. Someone told me the other week, "you're the best chance that your kids have to turn out normally." FOG, a little? I think it's understandable to have these feelings whether they come from inside or not.

Trying to imagine myself as a pwBPD... .Where it seemed to break down was the change in the "script" he had in his head of an afternoon with your daughter. Unplanned changes can be a recipe for dysregulation, he having poor coping or emotionally adaptive mechanisms. If he's at the park with D5, let him have that time with her Daddy. Tell the other mom that she's with her dad, and maybe we can plan something soon. Though he's responsible for his behaviors, and FOGing your daughter wasn't nice at all, he is who he is. As my T said about my Ex, "emotionally limited" in a lot of ways. He also said that he thought that a lot of my anger came from expecting her to be who she was not. That turned it back towards me.

[waitingwife]

Turkish,

I hear you... .In face H couldn't tuck D5 to bed and I offered to tuck her in coz I saw how he was beating himself up internally for the destruction he caused for himself & D5. But after I was done reading, etc to D5, she called out to him to tell her a story as he rveryday does & she so looks forward to it. I for a change didn't stop her or else I do out of my FOG and bias about him & his dysregulation. I told myself I will allow D5 to express her need & if he dysregulates then I am powerful enough to draw my line and set that boundary. It wasn't required coz he felt validated when she called out to him! It has truly helped me to stop reading in between the lines & that leads to so much better communication for the whole family. I see how in the past I have not given a fair trial for these experiences.

Then H woke up in the middle of the night & went into D5 room coz he said that he heard her scream. He turned on our room lights & we both woke up. Then I hugged him & asked if he would like to talk about anything? Slowly he started talking about his stressors and then about D5 & how he couldn't sleep thinking about it. So then I told him that it's okay if it's a once in a while think but that I want him to recognize his triggers & call out for me or just stop & drop the situation untill he is in a better emotional state to address. Then he accepted that his frustration was coz he didn't see that ither mim warmly waiting to welcome D5. I told him that his inner child was hurting/shaming and so it was an easy route to just project. Then we talked about a few family values & morals and he started thinking abiut what kinda legacy he'll leave for D5 coz he is emotionally so empty. I told him to make a list of morals & values coz I have made it & sticking to them empowers me by filling up my emotional reservoir. Agreement happened!

First difference or dysregulation handled wvery differently after joining this board, reading codependent no mire & 3 yesrs of Therapy for me. I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel! Thank you all for dusting me off & helping me get back on my feet!

[waitingwife]

Before we started dissecting what happened, I told H that what we learn from this is to not disrupt our plan for anything. We should have said no to that friend. That itself was the first trigger.

Our D5 is an only child so she craves for a friend/company & so I gave in and asked H whether he can drop her off. I should have backed off & not thought of pleasing & wanting the best for D5 as always.

[Turkish]

It sounds like it turned out well. I have D3 and S6 (who is more emotionally sensitive than his little sister). It's hard not to want to rescue or fix what we see or think can help. I think that the hardest thing that I struggle with is not wanting to see my children see disappointment or pain. However, life is what it is, and validating children helps them cope and grow into being their own individuals, which gives them strength to deal with disappointments.

It's too harsh to state this at their age, but age-appropriately, it can be communicated in order to help them grow: "no one's coming to rescue us." Encouraging emotional resilience, validating not only their emotions of the moment, but also their intrinsic strengths, goes a long way to innoculating our children against life's struggles. Some of the lessons on the Co-Parenting Board may also be of help to you in raising an emotionally resilient kid.