Abusive man

[Itstopsnow]

I guess I knew it was an abusive relationship and he was an abusive man. But today I looked up traits for an abusive man and my ex hit all 12 traits. It just stunned me how it was exactly him what they described! And it wasn't an article having to do with BPD. Even though I know he has BPD . Does that mean people with BPD are abusers? Reading this actually made me feel better to be far away from him. I google traits of an abusive relationship . It was uncanny

[Lexisdad]

I don't think it has to do with being a man or woman. My exBPDgf was no doubt abusive and i still put up with it for five and a half years. From the out of control rages, the name calling,and the verbal, physical and emotional abusive cast by her she was extremelley abusive and she thinks she was not. I think we can all agree we suffered from abusive relationships at the hands of pwBPD. My ex would often tell me " shut the f--k up before i punch you in your face" on several occasions she carried thru on the threat. Abuse is abuse, doesn't matter if its a man or woman committing it, verbal, physical or emotional no one deserves it.

[Itstopsnow]

Yes, I absolutely agree! Abuse can come from either gender! And I think sometimes it probably feels worse when it comes from a woman. Because society tends to think physical abuse in relationships only come from men. But that's not true. And abuse doesn't even have to be physical. My ex didn't punch me but I'm sure it would of came sooner or later if I stayed .

[MapleBob]

Does that mean people with BPD are abusers? Reading this actually made me feel better to be far away from him. I google traits of an abusive relationship . It was uncanny

People with BPD are not all abusers (though I'm sure some would argue with me on that point), but the disorder definitely lends itself toward abusive behaviors. To generalize, I think that mainly BPD abuse is based around poor boundaries - ie. "I'm allowed to treat you this way because I feel so much."

[Itstopsnow]

Interesting maplebob... .I don't know what I feel about my situation or how to make proper peace. My ex was very abusive... .But I just wonder how much of his abuse was intentional . Most abusers I guess don't think they are . I think probably most abusers even without BPD have some mental issues going on. Or at the very least were abused at one point or exposed to abuse (meaning watched it going up) it's hard to feel sorry for them when they treat you so terribly . I know some are worse than others . But none of us here were treated with love and respect . Not in healthy ways ,

[kitteski]

How did you let go. I feel so guilty and at fault.  I know I want perfect but no one is in a relationship, but we were normal until he started lying and cheating. So how do I let go of guilt he's projected on to me?

[Itstopsnow]

Try to realize the guilt isn't yours to begin with. He projected it on you as you said! They make us feel like we are at fault. Like we are the angry ones, the negative ones, the ones who have the issues or the ones who have caused the problems in our relationship with them, try and remember you didn't know them for who they truly were! They lie, show you a false self, maybe it's not intentional maybe it is... It doesn't really matter, because they aren't well to begin with. Forgive yourself for staying as long as you did. No matter what the length of time! You didn't know what they hide from you! They were deceitful and maniputive and they did it as their coping mechanism! They are looking out for themselves and that isn't ok, don't feel guilty for someone who didn't value you . They don't feel value for themselves, how then can they possibly value you?

[Ab123]

Does that mean people with BPD are abusers? Reading this actually made me feel better to be far away from him. I google traits of an abusive relationship . It was uncanny

To generalize, I think that mainly BPD abuse is based around poor boundaries - ie. "I'm allowed to treat you this way because I feel so much."

Exactly. You see the mindset in the comments section of BPD articles where a pwBPD takes offense, and basically says NONs shouldn't complain because the pwBPD suffers so much.  My ex used the same logic as he turned nasty when I refused his last recycle attempt. Yes, he is sorry he hurt me, but he considers his own pain not only justification for forgiveness (which I have given) but also a reason why I should be willing to accept more hurtful behavior.

The thing is, accepting the abuse doesn't really help them. It doesn't fix their pain. It just spreads it and breaks you down. They can't have sustained intimacy because they can't. It is awful, but all you can do is save yourself.

[C.Stein]

People with BPD are not all abusers (though I'm sure some would argue with me on that point), but the disorder definitely lends itself toward abusive behaviors. To generalize, I think that mainly BPD abuse is based around poor boundaries - ie. "I'm allowed to treat you this way because I feel so much."

I would tend to agree.  I believe my ex simply is not aware some of her behavior is abusive.  The mere thought that it is horrifies her.  She doesn't want to be that type of person and yet she can't seem to stop herself at times.  Abuse, conscious or not, is still very destructive and painful.

[MapleBob]

People with BPD are not all abusers (though I'm sure some would argue with me on that point), but the disorder definitely lends itself toward abusive behaviors. To generalize, I think that mainly BPD abuse is based around poor boundaries - ie. "I'm allowed to treat you this way because I feel so much."

I would tend to agree.  I believe my ex simply is not aware some of her behavior is abusive.  The mere thought that it is horrifies her.  She doesn't want to be that type of person and yet she can't seem to stop herself at times.  Abuse, conscious or not, is still very destructive and painful.

Oh absolutely; I hope I wasn't coming across as minimizing the abuse or abusive behaviors! There's just this inherent BPD "*you* make me like this!" self-justification that they seem to do. And a lot of non-PD people do that too, honestly. Relationship accountability is pretty thin on the ground these days, if you ask me.

[blissful_camper]

In my opinion, a pwBPD is often aware that their behavior is hurtful and that there is a healthier way, but they cannot help themselves.  There is a quick reaction to events in place of mindful action.  And while a pwBPD may realize there is a healthier way, hypersensitivity (and an inability to cope with those feelings) inhibits taking mindful action.  (Hypersensitivity to abandonment, rejection, engulfment, shame, punishment, etc) 

What is being replayed is the dynamic between primary caregiver and child.  When in a relationship, that dynamic is recreated and is projected onto to us and we are it until the next person comes along, and the next... .  The healthiest way forward is to move out of the way.  Don't play 'tag'.

[Herodias]

Mine is mentally and physically abusive. He doesn't see it either. When he was in anger management classes, he said all the guys would complain that the woman were the cause. Whatever... .I read the books on that subject too. Mine has all the signs. The domestic violence support persons said he could be a sociopath, which males me think they see this sort of thing with them allot. They said the best thing is to stay away or it will get worse. I was held down on the floor with his hand over my mouth. No empathy in his eyes... .very scary. He also held guns to me and held a pillow over my face. It does get worse. Those are the worse part. The every day stuff was bad enough- grabbing, pinching, raging. I shutter to think what he will do to his soon to be born baby, when I know what he will do with a pet. Grab them and keep them away from me. He is scary.