Contested temporary guardianship

[bpdmom1]

Daughter's RTC asked that we get temporary guardianship of our soon to be 18 year old BPD daughter so she won't check herself out.

We went ahead and recently had the hearing where she contested it.  Since it is contested we now have another hearing scheduled.  Since my daughter has some money from a injury settlement, her attorney requested that her money should'nt go towards paying for her stay at the RTC, which the judge hasn't yet addressed.  Also, since she has assets we are getting billed for both her attorney our attorney and the investigator.  More money since it is contested.   

We have set up a special needs trust for my daughter to put her settlement money in, which is to be used for her care.  We've been trying to figure out how to approach our daughter about us using some of her money to pay for the RTC.  Now that her attorney brought it up we are going to have to address it in court instead of with a therapist.  I feel we should be able to use the money for her care, but I don't want it to cause a problem with her progress or our relationship.  Not sure how to proceed. 

We also appealed the insurance company to cover her care, which recently fell through.  So so tired of all this.       

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

 

Sorry this is getting so rough!

Let us know how the hearing goes with the judge. 

lbj

[bpdmom1]

Will do.  Thanks for listening.  I'm currently feeling like all my efforts are getting me nowhere. She has sucked the life out of me and right now I don't see an end in sight.   

[lbjnltx]

 


How long until the next hearing?

If the judge denies temporary guardianship... .what is the plan?

[bpdmom1]

Middle of May will be the next hearing.  If she is still contesting the guardianship, we plan to drop it.  She would have to find someone else to pick her up as we won't support her decision.   

[bpdmom1]

Update:

After the hearing my d18 has escalated at the RTC, and decided not to participate, leaving group sessions and being verbally abusive to others.  She decided she is going to check herself out after the next hearing and didn't need to participate any longer.  Because of this I felt that we needed to move up the next hearing and push for temporary guardianship until she graduates after all.  After a lot of discussions with the RTC my H reluctantly agreed.  Since she is convinced the judge will not extend the guardianship we are concerned how she will react after the hearing.  The RTC has agreed to drive her back to campus.

We ended up having to change our plans to visit as she was dropped for her behavior and couldn't leave campus.  Since then they did some intensive therapy, which changed her attitude (not her decision to check out) and we were able to take her on a visit after all (days later than we planned).

We had a lot of fun on the visit; however she ended up getting upset because we teased her about her setting boundaries on us.  I get tired of her putting all these rules on us.  I feel it is just another way she takes control.

[lbjnltx]

It sounds like her T was able to get your d into wise mind about doing the work (since you are here anyway might as well get something from it).  I hope that after she can continue to get into wise mind and make some real progress.

Teasing... .not a good idea with BPDkids... .pre RTC my d wasn't able to emotionally process the subtleties that differentiate teasing from mocking.  She felt hurt by teasing and would become defiant or say she was "giving up".

The best thing I could do was acknowledge the pain I caused and apologize.

[bpdmom1]

I was really glad they stopped her from escalating further.  At home we didn't have the tools.

Yeah...   My H and I have been discussing the teasing incident and just recently discussed it with her therapist.  We plan on doing a family session on this in hopes we can all learn something.

At home, this incident could have resulted in her running away from home. 

We aren't sure about apologizing as we don't want her to think that her behavior was warranted.  Something we will discuss in the family session.

[bpdmom1]

Another update: 

We had the final hearing. Her attorney told her that she shouldn't contest since she had become disruptive at the RTC.  My BPD daughter ended up firing her attorney and decided to represent herself.  In the end the attorney represented her afterall, but my daughter was given the opportunity to ask questions and read her statement she prepared.  Although she was very emotional, she did an amazing job asking questions and her statement was well prepared and presented (very proud of her).  The judge was obviously impressed with her.  We were concerned that we wouldn't get the guardianship.  The judge did award us limited guardianship, which will keep her from checking herself out.  She was very upset, but she didn't get angry, run off or tell anyone off.  We were even able to take her back to the rtc and go out to lunch on the way. 

Before the hearing (going on for weeks) she has had many meltdowns and told us she was leaving the school even if the judge grants guardianship.  At one point told her therapist that she won't be returning after the hearing.  It has been a very difficult few weeks.  Almost every call we had with her was her being emotional about being at the rtc, what she was missing out at home.  It has been terribly heart breaking (lots of tears) to the point my H is ready to give up on the rtc, guardianship etc. etc., but doesn't want her home to live with us.

I don't know what is next.  I haven't received any meltdown or misbehavior reports from the rtc since the hearing.  We talk with her tomorrow.  Right now I'm taking a deep breath.

[lbjnltx]

Good news that your d won't be able to check herself out of the RTC and sounds like she is radically accepting this.  I hope now that this issue is settled she will get down to seriously consistent work on herself.

She has been at this RTC since August of 2015.  9 months is a good stretch of time inpatient.  What are your thoughts and feelings about any progress that she has made?

lbj

[bpdmom1]

She hasn't accepted anything.

She just got dropped to level 1 due to writing letters to a friend (probably to find a way to leave). 

I felt like she was making some progress up until December until the guardianship issue came up and she became really good friends with another girl (mentioned above) who was 18 that wanted to check herself out (which she did a week or so ago).  Her parents allowed her to make the decision to leave.  Since then she is constantly talking about checking out (with or without the guardianship).  It is really getting in the way of her progress.  In hindsight I wish we wouldn't have done the guardianship and only told her we wouldn't support her decision to leave.  I don't know if the outcome would have changed, but then she would have felt she had some control and stopped obsessing about it. 

The center is hoping that her friend leaving and the guardianship resolved will help her get back to making progress.  My H is still wanting to pull her out.  I don't think I have the fight in me to keep her enrolled if H pushes it.  I really want her to finish the program and hanging on to some hope that things with turn around for her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

"Graduating" from a program can do a lot for positive self image and sense of accomplishment.  I hope she will choose to do it!