BPD undiagnosed mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I do not know what to say about my mother. Who can? It really is difficult to talk about. Especially, when you are seen as the problem in the family because of your mother bad mouthing you. She has even gotten on the local radio station and blasted me when I was a child! I am 20 now and I am still pissed about it. Of course, my family did not see anything wrong with it. In fact, they all use gaslighting method to keep me under their control! Even now I feel horrible about doing this because I feel like I have a major mental illness, when in fact my mother does. This takes a lot of effort to do. Thanks in advance.

[CollegeSU]

I do not know what to say about my mother. Who can? It really is difficult to talk about. Especially, when you are seen as the problem in the family because of your mother bad mouthing you. She has even gotten on the local radio station and blasted me when I was a child! I am 20 now and I am still pissed about it. Of course, my family did not see anything wrong with it. In fact, they all use gaslighting method to keep me under their control! Even now I feel horrible about doing this because I feel like I have a major mental illness, when in fact my mother does. This takes a lot of effort to do. Thanks in advance.

[nowitmakessense]

It is hard to do, and I believe you are feeling "guilty" about posting because with a BPD mother you probably never spoke your truth, plus many people with BPD have a way of putting the blame for problems on anybody but themselves.  My mother has never said she was sorry for anything she has ever done, and I'm 46 years young.   It's hard to finally admit how you feel when for so many years you were not allowed to. The people here are very kind and they know a lot about this disorder, I'm glad that you are reaching out.  I'm new here too, and reaching out is really helping me to cope.  Please take good care of yourself 

[Kwamina]

Hi CollegeSU

I would like to join nowitmakessense in welcoming you to our online community

BPD is quite a challenging disorder indeed and it isn't easy dealing with a BPD parent. unfortunately the rest of your family also seems to be exhibiting problematic behavior towards you.

Do you currently still live with your mother and the rest of your family? Do you have siblings?

You mention your mother bad mouthing you, even on local radio when you were just a child. That is very unpleasant behavior indeed and I am sorry you went through that. Could you tell us a bit more about the things your mother does that you find difficult to deal with?

These are difficult things to talk about indeed. By sharing your story here I think you've taken an important step forward. Many members here (including me) have a BPD parent and know how incredibly hard that can be.

Take care

[CollegeSU]

I am still trying to figure out how to use this site. Lol. Hopefully, I responded.

  I live with my mother & older sister. I go to a community college that does not have dorms. Since I am in college I do not have the money to move out on my own. Also, Section 8 has been a hassle because I am in school & working part-time. My mom knows this!  As a result, of me living with her, I am at a constant risk of being homeless this causes stress in my classwork. I have went through 3 jobs for missing work over the possibility of getting kicked out or my to "baby sit" my things. She does not do this with my sister because she paid for the houses plumbing to get fixed & she hasn't paid her back.

  I have a 3.4 gpa, and I am in constant worry her behavior is going to make my average to drop. It has gotten so bad that I cannot even focus on school or sleep! This usually happens when I have made a recent achievement or something else that is a milestone for me. For example, I began interning for a local journalist and as soon as I told my mother she made it extremely difficult for me to show up to the event. She said things like " you haven't done the dishes? Well you can leave because I'm the authority here and anything you do or say is irrelevant!" Or ". I don't care what you have to do tonight you have dishes to do little girl!"

After that she usually says " I'm proud of you and love you. I have tried to create a childhood that you and your sister could benefit from."

Followed by

"However, I am getting married next month and you're leaving this week! It's spring break. I don't care if you don't have the money or time. You need to leave. NOW!"

**As a kid she use to be physically abusive. It got soo bad I had to move with my dad in another state! Now she is just emotionally and mentally abusive.

*** I feel sorry for the guy she wants to marry. He has changed Soo much since they first started dating! It's sad. My family is also heavily into the Christian religion.So most mental illnesses do not get dealt with properly. Unless it's me then I have every illness they can think of.

[Kwamina]

I am still trying to figure out how to use this site. Lol. Hopefully, I responded.

You did!

I can imagine how living with your mother can cause you a lot of stress. Your older sister is also living there, how is your relationship with your sister?

You've alluded to the fact that your mother at least in some ways treats your sister differently. How would you describe the relationship your mother and sister have, are they close?

It has gotten so bad that I cannot even focus on school or sleep! This usually happens when I have made a recent achievement or something else that is a milestone for me. For example, I began interning for a local journalist and as soon as I told my mother she made it extremely difficult for me to show up to the event. She said things like " you haven't done the dishes? Well you can leave because I'm the authority here and anything you do or say is irrelevant!" Or ". I don't care what you have to do tonight you have dishes to do little girl!"

After that she usually says " I'm proud of you and love you. I have tried to create a childhood that you and your sister could benefit from."

Followed by

"However, I am getting married next month and you're leaving this week! It's spring break. I don't care if you don't have the money or time. You need to leave. NOW!"

Your mother's behavior is quite problematic. We have some resources here that might help you in your interactions with here:

Communication Skills - Validation

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

The S.E.T. technique was specifically designed for interactions with a person with BPD:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

**As a kid she use to be physically abusive. It got soo bad I had to move with my dad in another state! Now she is just emotionally and mentally abusive.

I am very sorry you were also physically abused by her. How is your relationship with your dad now and is he aware of all the abuse that has taken place? How does he view your mother?

Emotional and mental abuse is horrible too. In fact the underlying aspect of physical abuse that is also very damaging, is the emotional abuse that's part of it. She is not physically abusive anymore but do you feel physically safe around her now?

[wdib3]

I'm turning 20 next week and I relate to you very much. Not having the money to move out, putting up with the mind games and duality. I've never realised what it is my Mother does until I've read others stories, like your own, about the whole ':)O THE DISHES' then 'I love you' - it's horrible. Stay strong.