I'm not sure if it was the memory of being on cloud 9 a year ago, or me getting physically getting better but I was not in a good place the last few days.
To explain a little (I've only posted once here so that might be necessarry
): I broke up with my uBPDbf in April. He was also a colleague. A very populair one, as he's smart, very handsome, funny, charming, very sensitive and has something magical about him that attracts fans. Of course he started a smear campagne, loads of people got on board, I called in sick because of the pressure and then actually got sick. I haven't been able to walk (apart from stagnering a few steps) since October and have been in a lot of pain. I've been taking morphine for the pain. Meanwhile back at the ranch (... ) my ex got dismissed from work. Probably love bombed the next girl. Knowing him and his paranoia and his most loyal minions who feed him, he probably thinks I had something to do with him getting kicked out. Of course he would never believe me if I told him I didn't. Not the 1st job he lost due to his behaviour by the way.
Getting physically better has a lot of consequences.
It means I will need to get back to work in the near future. Facing the horde of minions. Shudder... Yes, I'm scared.
It means I need less morphine. I tried to quit completely but that made me feel very emotionally unstable so I'm now slowly lowering the dose.
Together with less morphine it means more attention for the psychological healing which I haven't been able to do enough.
It means I will finally be able (once I can leave my house again) to do fun stuff again and get my mind of this guy and the why questions and focus on me and avoiding ever getting in such a mess again.
But the last few days (not being able to walk yet just having less pain) I was feeling very wonky. Crying a lot, why questions popping up again, trying to find out things about him online (basically obsessing), being afraid of going back to work, questioning if I saw things wrong and he wasn't sick, the whole 9 yards.
So I started an email to get to have my say. Not meant to send and fully realising everything would be explained differently than written if I ever would send it. Tears streaming down my face. And then I was stuck for a moment and went back to my trusted search engine. Visited this site, searched for more info and read read read. I now know again. He is sick, I'm not nuts. He is a BPD/NPD combination with substance abuse issues, issues with sleep and food and very depressed. I refuse to be caught up in this nightmare. I will face the minions at work when the time comes even though I know/feel/suspect the group is still growing. They don't know the thruth of what happened just his side of lies. I can hold my head up high. I still have my friends outside of work. I can create a new life with a new job if I want even if I'm not exactly a springchicken anymore. I will not search for info on him anymore. I know he's begging for attention on his depressed and depressing blog but I'm not falling for it and I'm not going to read it anymore (I might waiver when he publishes his book though... ). He can join all the "leaveamessageforme"-sites he wants, I'm NOT breaking the NC. If I wanted to I could easily contact him since he never deleted me from Whatsapp nor I him. But I haven't looked at past messages on there for weeks nor to see when he was last online. It's been 10 months and 2 days since NC and I'm staying strong. I can heal from him and past wounds.
This site is SO helpful for information or when I feel weak! Thanks all!
And that email? I never got past writing the first page, I don't need to write it anymore
