BPD dilemma

[sheishei]

Hi everyone , i´m in a dilemma here, my mom is BPD , i´ve known for a while now and everything that i´ve tried to work things out or help her doesn´t work. I had to make the hard but helpful decision of staying away from her and cutting communication, still she makes a new phone number every time and text me to my number or talks to my family and friends and plays the victim so they come to me and everyone feels entitled to tell how should i manage and that i should not have blocked her or stop having contact with her, family and people that know that i don´t want to talk to her constantly ask me how she´s doing and the decision of not being in contact hasn´t been easy, but i always try to remember what made me do it , but everyone talk about it like i´m just going through a phase of rebellion and that i don´t have real reason.

Today i thought of sending my mom a quick email saying that i want to find a way to work our relationship and try to have a more open communication but i´m already starting to regret it and getting anxiety , i can only think about all the drama she will begin , again, and how it´s impossible for her to respect any boundaries.

I have almost stop talking to anyone who keeps sending me messages from her or asking me but this time it was my father and i can´t stop talking to him, i feel like they have no consideration and don´t think that they are not helping me at all, it´s not easy for me and every time they bring her up in a conversation it causes me pain.

I´m just having a hard time standing in my word and my reasons for not having this relationship with her.

[Kwamina]

Hi sheishei

Today i thought of sending my mom a quick email saying that i want to find a way to work our relationship and try to have a more open communication but i´m already starting to regret it and getting anxiety , i can only think about all the drama she will begin , again, and how it´s impossible for her to respect any boundaries.

Do you feel like sending your mother a quick email is something you really want to do because you want to have contact with her again? Or do you perhaps feel more like this would be something you would do because of the pressure you feel from other people? No matter what you decide to do, my advice is to carefully consider if you would really be doing this for you or more for other people.

I have almost stop talking to anyone who keeps sending me messages from her or asking me but this time it was my father and i can´t stop talking to him, i feel like they have no consideration and don´t think that they are not helping me at all, it´s not easy for me and every time they bring her up in a conversation it causes me pain.

I´m just having a hard time standing in my word and my reasons for not having this relationship with her.

The people saying these things all have there own motivations and also haven't walked in your shoes. They might know your mother's side of the story but not yours. I also know from my own experience, literature and reading the stories of other members, that BPD parents are often able to present a different image to the outside world than what their children get to experience behind closed doors. Would you say that is also true of your mother?

Do you feel like your father acknowledges that there is something wrong with your mother and the way she treated you? How would you describe your relationship with your dad?

[sheishei]

Hi Kwamina

I don´t feel like having contact with her is what i should do, i have changed a lot for good since i´ve been away from her not only physically but emotionally and i can see all her negative actions more clearly now that i have been away(i used to find excuses for her actions when i was younger). Many people suggested that i set boundaries with her , but not completely stop talking to her and i tried, a while back , but my mom don´t know how to respect these boundaries and she would soon enough go back to her real self , she would make a really hard effort for a day to try to show me that i didn´t need to set this boundaries with her but not because she really believed there was something wrong with her behaviour and then she would begin again to do the same things and maybe i could have learned to not let her actions get to me the way they do but i just don´t have that ability it caused me extreme anxiety, but when someone like my dad , we have a good relationship and he´s always been the loving one. i didn´t lived with my father since i was 5 and at the age of 13 i moved to another country with my mother after she remarried so my dad don´t have a clear vision of what my day to day life was like , he always thought that i wasn´t succeeding the way i should have because i was being negative and my mother took total advantage of this physical distance between my father and I. So he doesn´t understand the magnitude of her actions and he thinks he´s giving me a good advise when really he´s just giving me the worst advise he could possibly give me. and these other people think that mother knows best and not only that but they feel sorry for her as well.

after i sent that email i had a blast of that old anxiety , fear and turbulence that she causes in my life and i did some thinking and realized that i can´t do this for others because they don´t know what it was like and that if they can´t respect this then i would just have to be very clear to them when i say that i don´t want their opinion in the matter.

[Kwamina]

i didn´t lived with my father since i was 5 and at the age of 13 i moved to another country with my mother after she remarried so my dad don´t have a clear vision of what my day to day life was like , he always thought that i wasn´t succeeding the way i should have because i was being negative and my mother took total advantage of this physical distance between my father and I.

How is the relationship between your dad and mom now?

Have you ever really discussed with your dad how your mother treated you? Is that a discussion you would like to have with him?

after i sent that email i had a blast of that old anxiety , fear and turbulence that she causes in my life and i did some thinking and realized that i can´t do this for others because they don´t know what it was like and that if they can´t respect this then i would just have to be very clear to them when i say that i don´t want their opinion in the matter.

Indeed, if you choose to re-connect it is best that you do it because you want to yourself and not because you feel pressured by other people who have not walked in your shoes. This is your life and you alone get to decide how you lead your life.