Need feedback

[shamed42long]

I've recently ended contact with my parents.  My mother has left voicemails for my sibling and me.   If I don't get lost in the number of inaccurate details and situations, they make me sick when I listen to them.  For some reason,  I made a video to illustrate the thoughts,  feelings, and frustrations I experience as the voicemails are playing.  Are these normal things to say to your children. ... especially who are both in their 40s?  Please give me feedback. https://youtu.be/B08WC0PaIi8

[DearBFF]

Not in my opinion, shamed4Frankee.  Absolutely, not! 

I am very sorry that your mother speaks to you in this manner.  She shows very little care about your feelings with her words.  You are correct from what I saw/heard that it all has to do with her, how she has been wronged, her moods, and how she feels it should be.  The reality is we all have the right to our opinions, but we form relationships (especially healthy relationships) based on

It is wonderful you and your sister have joined forces.  It's entirely different having an ally (as your mom put it) than going it alone.  Trying to even explain the situation to an outsider becomes nearly impossible.

Have you ever read Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson?

Link: www.amzn.com/0765703319

I would highly recommend it... .

Your mother's words remind of things that the witch or queen mother in the book would say.  This article linked below offers a great general overview of the book and explains what each of the 4 mothers may say and do.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-borderline-mother-and-her-children

I hope I have shared something helpful and again, I am sorry you are dealing with this.  Good luck and take care. 

I have found very much support on these boards and it's a great place to vent as well, especially because we get it.

[shamed42long]

Thank you,  DearBFF.  I agree with you.   I bought the book about a week ago and finished it in just a couple of days. It rocked my world and stirred up a lot of things.   After reading the book and reflecting on situations,  I also thought her prodiminant one was witch. She's more subtle with tactics either due to different types of situations that come with her kids being adults, or perhaps it's because she's gotten older.  It's also easy to start doubting yourself or believe you have a right to be treated with basic human courtesies.   I sincerely appreciate your words and time in response to my post.

[DearBFF]

That is so awesome, shamed4Frankee!    Go you!

I'm going through stuff now trying to relearn common courtesy... .not that I don't give it to others, but having it shown to me is something I am struggling with.  I tend to be overly gracious about things like... ."Thank you so much for returning my call!"  or  "Thank you for inviting us over!"  or "Thank you for asking me how my week was going!"  I have to learn to accept more nonchalantly instead of freaking out like it isn't just "normal" to call someone back, invite them over, or ask how I am doing or my week is going.  It's weird that we can get caught up in BPD behavior and then our minds get a bit turned on their side.

You are so very welcome!

If you happen to be looking for other resources, I actually keep a list.  :-)

Enjoy and I hope you may find something else helpful to you in it.

BPD: What is it?

https://youtu.be/LmcExxcxWyk

BPD youtubers that talk about recovery

Debbie ---- https://youtu.be/APVs5Hixv98

BPD youtubers (FYI you can search streams to find the videos on just BPD/Borderline, or you can also click videos and sort them from oldest to newest so you can watch them in order)

Bas --- https://www.youtube.com/user/MeAndMyBlackTable

Debbie --- https://www.youtube.com/user/HealingFromBPD/featured

Impaired Functioning ---https://www.youtube.com/user/ImpairedFunctioning/videos

Alissierrr --- https://www.youtube.com/user/Alissierrr

BPD videos by professionals

Kati --- https://www.youtube.com/user/KatiMorton/featured

border _ --- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ikl4GjQHPz4

Back From the Edge --- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=967Ckat7f98

Videos made by BPDers explaining how it feels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WB1qE4Mze3s

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QMda42jwO0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmOfds7UH7U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPoMF78DLsA

Other BPD Videos:

https://youtu.be/YN1Gr6YM5Ik

https://youtu.be/iraGmA7-9FA

https://youtu.be/SDaHFnpsWzE

Books:

Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified

Walking on Eggshells

Get Me Out of Here

Mindfulness

Understanding the Borderline Mother

(article about book above https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201109/the-world-the-borderline-mother-and-her-children)

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me

[shamed42long]

DearBFF, thanks for all of the resources.   I know what you mean... .no matter how much growth I make,  I'm continuously discovering other things I need to do.   Our norms aren't the average experience.   That fact,  in and of itself,  takes awhile to discover.   Cheers to the both of us for having enough insight that empowers us to heal,  grow,  and accept our value.

[Woolspinner2000]

  Welcome to the BPD family, Shamed4Frankee! (Love the creativity you chose in the name btw.)

I bought the book about a week ago and finished it in just a couple of days. It rocked my world and stirred up a lot of things.

I have also read the book, and like you, at first I could not put it down. It's like reading a story of your life, isn't it? Let me join BFF in saying that, yes, it does take time to relearn things. My T has told me before that if we learned it, we have the ability to 'un-learn' it as well. There is much hope for us as survivors of a pwBPD, and we are not forever broken and defective. Take your time as you digest and reflect on the book which you just finished. It is a heavy one to digest but very good.

Another great book that has been like a Bible to me is : Surviving a Borderline Parent by Kimberlee Roth and Freda Friedman. It was the first book I read about BPD. This particular book takes you step by step through overcoming our wounds to re-building who you are.

Have you read any of the resources on the right hand side of the board?  --------->

Cheers to the both of us for having enough insight that empowers us to heal,  grow,  and accept our value.

Yes, indeed! 

Wools