Update on my Cross Country Move from uBPD mom

[MiserableDaughter]

Hello all,

I haven't posted in a while, but I have been reading peoples' posts and many are overly and uncomfortably familiar... .Just as a reminder, I am 37 (yep, had a birthday recently... .), have a 3.5 year old son, and have been married for 13 years. After spending my life near my mother, my husband and I moved across the country 4 months ago (to CA.)

Firstly, I have to say that when I read these posts every day from in particular, daughters in my situation, whose BPD moms make them their punching bags and the guilt trips of "daughters never leave them mothers," it makes me want to vomit. I tried it for years and years. All I can is, distance DOES HELP. A LOT! I was told over and over again that you could live next door and with boundaries it wouldn't matter. Sorry, but in my case, um. NOPE. It DID matter. A LOT. Life is much much easier with my mother across the country. I am no longer worried about the influence she would exert on my son... .The constant roller coaster when I saw her... .Just the feeling of being controlled even when she wasn't in the room. The problems it caused it my marriage... Now when I analyze it, I HAD to get away for my survival. I was always dangling. I could never fully express myself in my marriage, because my husband had so much anger towards my mother, that anything I said would make him angry. I could never express myself fully with my mother due to rages. And now when I analyze it, I didn't want to upset either of them so that they would be cordial to EACH OTHER. In between, I was slowly dying and withering away. I tried to stand up to my mother but it always backfired... .

Now, I am slowly getting my life back and it feels strange. I often feel guilty... .Last week my dad's blood sugar was sky high despite his meds (he is 71 and diabetic) and I felt terrible. And I felt angry. If only you weren't so self obsessed and awful to me, mom... .maybe I would still be nearby. I get angry when she starts crying that she gets scared that no one is nearby. (My brother is 2 hours from her... .) And that EVERYONE has their kids nearby... .It only infuriates me... .She DROVE me away. I tried. And then my guilt vanishes. Because only my mother sends me a birthday card in the mail with one of her miserable poems dedicated to me, where the first lines are "YOu needed an excuse to go away from us, and you found one." A birthday card. Then tells me on the phone to "not mind it because she was just missing me that day." You have time to think things through when you mail something. It's not a text. Only my mother on the DAY of my birthday randomly sends me a text saying "I wish that we could be best friends like we were before... .God is great. Happy birthday. I love you." We were best friends when I was about 13. And then grew up and learned that I was just a pinky extension of her. Only she would send me a guilt ridden message ON my birthday. Because ultimately she only cares about herself. As long as she can express how she's feeling, mine don't matter.

I had no choice. I couldn't do it anymore. I tried for too too long. When I was closeby, I would often hear "It's better if kids live further from their parents. Then they value them more." Now that I am far it is "poor us. Everyone's kids are close." I could never win. So I could no longer play. I needed distance to heal. I am healing. I haven't healed but life is getting better. I can actually plan my son's birthday party without worrying about her reactions. I can plan events the way I want... I am still dealing with the aftermath... .Which is my ruined marriage from years of stress.

It is also improving slowly as we spend more stress free time enjoying with our son. As we don't have the constant clutter in the back. As I can express myself more without fear that somehow we will have a giant fight, separate, and my mother will come in to suck my son and I into her world. Her greatest victory would be if we split up. I was always scared to really stand up for myself there. If we separated it would become all about HER. So I did whatever to keep it together at the expense of my own self respect. Drowning in my marriage was better than HER pulling me back into her world.

Now I can deal with my marriage without that fear. And without that stress, my husband is also much kinder and loving and is improving. I can't expect our relationship to be perfect over night or ever (too much damage) but it's much more positive than if I had stayed. Then it was doomed for CERTAIN.

I don't know what my future holds. I DO KNOW that I will NEVER live in the same vicinity. Ideally I would like to be back on the East Coast, but several hours drive. If I am needed I can go for illnesses, short visits etc. But she will not suck my life away anymore. I cannot do it. I am done. I will fulfill my "daughter" responsibilities. But emotionally, I cannot invest more. She has sucked me dry of that... .And I will NEVER EVER have her influence on my son. EVER.

SO my advice to folks in the same boat... .YES DISTANCE HELPS... .A LOT!

[Turkish]

Happy birthday, MD 

It's nice that you got a card, which demonstrated that she was thinking of you. Unfortunately, it was invalidating, and she was asking for an emotional rescue, so she was really thinking about herself.  ,

It's similar to the Christmas card my Ex got me, which had a p.s., hoping that someday I would forgive her for all of her "wrongdoings." So was the card for me, or for her?

Welcome to Cali, I hope you've been enjoying El Nino and the rain. Last year, things were only starting to turn green at this time due to the lack of rain. Maybe it's symbolic of the renewedness in your life now 

[nowitmakessense]

I agree with you, distance is a good thing. I can barely cope with the phone, I know face to face would be unbearable after about a half hour.  I've lived far away for a while now, it works for me too! I'm so sorry that your mother sent you that card with that hurtful poem, but sadly it's not surprising, because  it's all about her.  And you are correct in saying that a written card, going to the post, those things take a lot more thought and planning than shooting off a text. It is much more deliberate, and to top it all off POETRY! It doesn't get any more thought out than that! I truly hope you were able to have a happy birthday despite the selfishness shown to you. 

[busybee1116]

Thanks for the update! I will second you--distance does help. My uBPDm lived about an hour away but moved about 1k miles away almost 2 years ago. I used to see my parents 1-2x a month for lunch or dinner. Since they moved, we've visited 3 times, 2-3 days, which is different but she is on her BEST behavior. I'm treated as a special guest. She still has her moments and the emails/phone calls sometimes get weird, but I can handle weird. It's much better to receive a weird email than to have my mom show up unannounced at work or whine that I never visit WHILE I'M VISITING.  I should also add that my boundaries and communication have improved immensely since their move through therapy. Their move was just a cherry on top. I think my boundary-setting actually encouraged them to move, my mom made some comment like "there's nothing left for us [in this state]." Which sucked at first--um I'm still in this state. But so glad they moved.

[MiserableDaughter]

Haha! I'm laughing at the comment about mom complaining about you NOT visiting when you are visiting! Yup yup! All the time! Just like my husband told my mom on phone the other day (just to be nice) "you guys should come visit!" And my mom's answer was "if you invite me!" Um he just did!

Yes, I can truly say that moving far away was the best thing I could have done for myself. Just last night, I was out to dinner and my mom send me a text that she missed my son so much. I thought I would respond later since was out. So she send me another message about 20 minutes after first saying "wow. What's the matter? My daughter doesn't even respond to mothers message?" um like 20 minutes after it was sent. That's my mother. Always pay attention to her no matter what. I couldn't do that dance anymore.

Honestly, the air feels different away from her! Free and heathy! It's wonderful! No guilt here anymore. Only grateful ! I wish we did this years ago. Would have saved lots of anguish... .You know, we had the most beautiful big house out east. And we still own it. And yet I had noo interest in decorating it. None. Because it felt so unsafe to me. Why should I create home when I didn't want to be there? And now We are renting a two bedroom townhome. It's not even half the size of our previous house. And I am totally doing it up! I love decorating! The pictures of our house are still online. We still own it and rent it out. It's a stunning home. And I see the pics and think, what a gorgeous house. Boy I was miserable to have zero interest in it! And yet when I see it, the pictures creep me out. Because I can see my mom entering those rooms and whispering in my sons ears, having rages, my husband and my fights due to mother etc... .I don't ever want to go back despite it being a gorgeous home. Never living close to my Mother again unless I have no no no choice !

[koseligb]

Miserabledaughter - holy crap, your mother and my mother sound the same. I want to find all your old posts and read through them; it sounds like our experiences are very similar. My husband and I are in MC right now to try to figure out how to cope with the situation with my mom. I live one state away from my parents and am constantly getting guilt for moving away from them. I've often wondered if it would be easier if they were closer (and therefore our infrequent visits wouldn't have such high expectations placed on them to go 100% perfectly), but your post makes me wonder if that might not be the case.

I'm glad the move has been so healthy for you. 

[MiserableDaughter]

So I will clarify. I lived a state away. 45 minutes or so. We almost moved 20 minutes from them at one point. I freaked because my parents started saying how it was soo great we were soo close by and could see each other all the time. We didn't buy that house. No it won't make a different moving closer! Will make it worse! Trust me, if they aren't happy now they will NOT be happy then. Also do you have kids? Because with kids, it's a different ball game. Much much worse. My mom wants my son to follow her around like a puppy. She will do anything in her power to make sure that happens. Completely going against what I want. If I say do NOt buy this for him, she will go and buy just that. She whispers in his ear to tell me "you love grandma!" Etc when he was 2! She would even be jealous if u said he enjoyed playing with other kids. She would say "I play just like a kid too!" For me, I couldn't see her trying to posess my son the same way she did with me. far is better. They cry now. So they will continue to cry. Will never get better. My mom was constantly miserable even when I was there. So I was like screw it! May as well make myself happy! Right now I cringe at the thought of living close. My husband and I may be moving again in next 6 months... .This time back to east coast about 8 hour drive. That's still creeping me out... .! We will see!

[koseligb]

We're about 5 hours away right now. We don't have kids yet... .that's part of the reason why we're in MC right now. My husband was starting to wonder if we'd be better off not being together because he feels like he's the catalyst for my mother's rages and unsavory behavior.  :'( - he grew up in a very stable family environment and didn't want to be the reason my relationship with my parents could dissolve (whereas I'm getting so resentful of the hurt they've caused him that I'm starting to get to the point where sometimes I just want to walk away from my relationship with my parents). He is feeling hesitant about making any big long term decisions - like kids, buying a house together, etc. We both would like to have kids at some point in an ideal world - we're both 31 so we need to start thinking seriously about it - but we both know we need to figure out how we're going to handle things with my mom first, since introducing a grandchild into the picture is guaranteed to add drama. I read through a lot of your old posts yesterday, and it makes me fear a little for the future. I'm not sure she'd be as possessive as your mom is, but it's really hard to say. My mom loves it when my sister and I visit by ourselves so she can "have us all to herself", so she definitely has some of those possessive traits. She's always been very threatened by my relationship with my husband's family (which is very good - I'm happy we live close to them!).

For now, we're working on improving our relationship in MC and seeing how and where we can draw boundaries with my family.

I'm so glad to hear the move has already been a good thing for your marriage. We have some other past issues to work through as well, but my mother's behavior has and continues to be one of the biggest obstacles we face as a couple, and we have since we started dating over 12 years ago (married almost 6). I'm hoping the MC will help us to work better as a team to tackle this head on.

[MiserableDaughter]

So my marriage was pretty much destroyed by issues with my Mom over many years. We've been married for 13 years and issues started even before then... .We also talked about separating multiple times. I was always depressed. We had a child just because of our ages and we thought things would get better.

Your mother is ruining your marriage. And no matter WHO you are married to, that person will be the enemy because she wants you to herself. And I'm warning you that it's worse with grandkids. Sets off a new type of crazy. As i said, before my son, I could still keep distance and do the MC better. But after my son, you cannot teach a baby MC. And to see your child being brainwashed, smothered and tested always the way you were is intolerable. My mom always does the "I'm leaving if you don't say you love me" to him since he was born. She's always testing his affection. She competes with me. That's why I HAD to leave. If my husband picked his own child up, my mother thought he was snatching him from HER. I predicted that before I had a child. That's why I wanted to move so badly earlier but we didn't because my husband refused. This only further deteriorated our relationship.

My advice for you would be to get even further, or stay where you are. But no closer. Work on things with your husband. Good idea to wait on any major decisions until you feel better about each other. If we didn't have our son I don't think we would be together. We are working on things now and they are improving. But inside I know it's more for our son than us. But things are way better than they ever could have been if I continued living close. Maybe try couples counseling so you can best address these issues. Your husband sounds like a calmer reasonable guy... .So that's good. Don't break your marriage over your mom. I there are other big issues (which they often are... .But they are masked by us thinking its just one source) then you need to figure that out... .You are young. So at least be on same page as your husband before major life decisions... .