looking for some advice

[dachef]

my non diagnosed BPD GF and I have a 5 month old son.

Today, my non diagnosed BPD girlfriend was arrested for assaulting me.  She was released with the condition of non contact with me and goes to court on Friday. 

She has a criminal record for assault with a weapon.

She has a juvenile temper and often takes it out on me, (choking, hitting, scratching, nails etc... this is the first time she has been arrested for assault against me)

I've stood by her for a while and dealt with her rage.  Mainly, because I was intimidated by the recourse of calling her out on this type of behaviour.  (Self harm, suicidal threats, and tears, lots of tears.)

I guess I'm looking for advice or words of encouragement, perspective.   Something.  I'm guilt-ridden about the fact that what is right for me (ending the relationship) might not be what is best for my son.     

 

   

 

[ForeverDad]

Today, my non diagnosed BPD girlfriend was arrested for assaulting me.  She was released with the condition of non contact with me and goes to court on Friday.

She has a criminal record for assault with a weapon.

She has a juvenile temper and often takes it out on me, (choking, hitting, scratching, nails etc... this is the first time she has been arrested for assault against me)

I've stood by her for a while and dealt with her rage.  Mainly, because I was intimidated by the recourse of calling her out on this type of behaviour.  (Self harm, suicidal threats, and tears, lots of tears.)

It sounds like the status is just temporary and it will be clarified in a court hearing.  This is important to present yourself well.  Don't defend her.

First and foremost, obey all orders.  If she is not to contact you, then don't you weaken your protection by contacting her or letting her contact you for any reason not authorized.  Seek professional advice on how to handle child care and exchanges.  Is there a possibility she could be restricted to supervised visitation?  If so, then don't minimize it.  You're an adult, you can defend yourself and call for help, a baby can't.  I recall going to a local sheriff's office for most child exchanges that weren't at school or daycare, the confrontations were that bad.  So understand that for now (terms of the orders) and perhaps for even longer you have have to have all in-person contact with professionals present.  If she has to come to the residence to collect her personal items while a protection or stay away order is in place then police will come and assist to ensure a "peace visit", just ask them how it's done locally.

Understand that her being back in the court system may totally end the relationship.  Rather than sometimes blacklisted, it may be permanent.  Since she looks bad right now, she may make allegations to try to make you look worse than her, a common theme related here in peer support.

Don't fool yourself that now she will treat you better if you let her back into your life.  She can promise anything, even that she's learned her lesson, but deep life patterns don't change overnight, without meaningful long term therapy she will slip back into prior patterns.  If she's accosted you once, it will happen again if you let her back into your life, it's the nature of the beast.

You may be inclined to excuse or even hide some of her other poor or abusive behaviors.  Not only would that not help her long term, that would be self-sabotaging for you.  She needs to be seen in the light of day, full disclosure for her, so we cooperate with the court and other professionals.

My non diagnosed BPD GF and I have a 5 month old son... .  I'm guilt-ridden about the fact that what is right for me (ending the relationship) might not be what is best for my son.

We have a phrase here... .F.O.G. (Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  Ponder that, research it.  You didn't cause it, you can't fix her, only she can (potentially) fix herself and that would take year of intensive therapy diligently applied in her life.  Meanwhile, be careful, what will serve you best right now are Good Boundaries.  The boundaries aren't hers, she doesn't respect boundaries, they're for you, where you have firm boundaries of what behaviors are allowed or not.  Being firm is not being mean, it's just what is required in the 18 years of co-parenting before you.

The court she is appearing in, is it domestic court, family court or an equivalent?  I ask because when my now-Ex was arrested for Threats of DV we were first in municipal court which gave me temporary protection (TPO) but nothing for our preschooler.  They referred her to family/domestic court and as soon as she got out she filed there for PTO from me and sought to include our son with herself.  That was in an ex parte filing.  (So I had protection from her and she had protection from me.  See how she looked bad and so she tried to make me look as bad as or worse than her?)  Once we appeared in court, CPS stood up for me and stated they had "no concerns" about me.  Evidently the court considered he was not at risk.

The point is that many courts virtually split people in two, they can have bad or concerning adult behaviors but that does not necessarily spill over into their parenting behaviors!

So, besides the risk that you may have to deal with two separate courts, you may end up with short term protection but not your infant.  So be aware of that "non sequitur".  (Latin for "it does not follow", an argument with a conclusion that does not follow from its premises, a phrase I learned from an old 1960s episode of Star Trek.)

Hence, you have two goals... .(1) let consequences hopefully modify your Ex's behavior patterns and (2) convince the appropriate courts that your infant son is also impacted and would do best in your care or at least that you not be sidelined as an irrelevant or alienated father, a very high risk when the other parent is often obstructive and oppositional.  Now, while the courts are scrutinizing her, is probably the best opportunity you have to secure favorable court ordered parenting schedule.  Seek as much time as possible.  If they're reluctant to do so then ask how you can protect your son when she is raging and out of control.  Now is not a time to be timid in speaking up for your child.  You're his best advocate.

[ugghh]

On the practical advice side, I would highly encourage to get a couple digital audio recorders and keep one on you at all times when you interact.

[ForeverDad]

You ought to get some legal consultations with family law attorneys who would have experience in that court.  You don't have to retain an attorney, but get some observations and advice from someone who is

Even if you are not the court's focus, you still need to be careful what to say and how you say it.  I recall my lawyer telling me his first duty to his clients was to sit on them so they didn't talk and complicate matters even more than they already were.  He said if it was a Y/N question, then keep it simple (KISS) so you don't risk saying something wrong or in a wrong way.

I don't know if you have DV resources that help men, but you can try. Perhaps there's an ADA who is handling the case and can explain what their goal would be.  My ADA said they'd try to get a plea deal but she refused during her first couple appearances.  (All courts love plea deals even if on lesser charges since it avoids a trial, avoids potential appeals and there is at least some level of guilt admitted.)  Ex had a trial, the 911 recording (before, during and after) was played, she admitted making death threats but minimized them.  Judge almost looked bored.   Then he ruled she was Not Guilty because the threats were only verbal without a weapon in her hands and therefore he declared threats "not imminent".   He applied case law where a drunk came home and said, "If I had a gun I'd shoot you."  The wife couldn't get a Guilty verdict because the threat wasn't "imminent".

Also, a lawyer could inform you of strategies to lay a framework for you to be a more involved parent in the years to come. After all, it is so easy for a mother, especially an unmarried one, to obstruct or at least minimize a father's parenting.  Why start strategizing now?  Why not wait until months or years later to see whether it gets even worse?  (It WILL get worse if she's not in effective therapy.)  Well, you may never have her in this predicament again.  I recall that my now-Ex stopped making obvious death threats after she faced those now-dismissed charges.  But she immediately started trying to make me look worse than her, each allegation nastier and more gross than the ones before, even trying to frame me for child abuse of the worst sorts.

Being forced to Play Defense is not a winning strategy, by the way.  (If you watch football or other competitive games, you know few athletes or teams win by only playing Defense.)  Despite my solid start at our separation, my Ex got favorable treatment and very orders in family court.  Eventually I did come out on top, but it was an Uphill Struggle for years.  (See myth of Sisyphus, doomed to roll a boulder uphill over and over.)

[dachef]

This is a Municpal court appearance.  

Because our son is breast feeding, he is in her care.  The police said she could stay at a local women's shelter or my house. I chose the house, obviously.  I left them 500 dollars and have been staying at a hotel, and eventually a friends house all week.  

Yesterday, I arranged through a friend some time with my son.   I had him for over 4 hours before returning him.  The exchange was done through a third party and was mostly amicable, apart from a lot of tears  and a vague threat directed at me through the third party.  Something along the lines of -victim services suggests she should charge me with assault-   But  she doesn't want to because then our son would have no one.  


couple things;

1.  I did not assault her.  

2.  Victim services?  I am the victim here... .

3.  She can't charge me, she is not the police.   The police at the incident did not charge me based on any allegations she may have concocted.   They arrested her because "her side of the story did not match up with my injuries."

4.  The fact hat she said our son would have no one, makes me think that she is anticipating a bad outcome.

This further complicates things for me because she is yet again, trying to point blame at me.   Not owning up to her assault charge and fabricating a story in her head that justifies her actions.  

These past few days have been emotionally exhausting.  I did not anticpate the amount of heartache and anxiety I would endure in this situation.   It's awful.      

[ForeverDad]

and a vague threat directed at me through the third party.  Something along the lines of - victim services suggests she should charge me with assault

We've heard that before.  She's making sob stories to either get pity, rewrite history or make you look worse than her.  Be aware.  Beware.

My story... .We separated the week of my call to 911.  She had started making death threats.  So I called.  She grabbed the handset, hung up on them and threw it in my general direction but it hit the wall and broke apart.  I never did figure out what happened to it.  She must have driven somewhere to dispose of the pieces, they weren't in the trash and was never seen again.  Anyway, back to my story... .

So the police arrive, I'm outside with our preschooler sobbing quietly in my arms.  Two police cars arrive and they speak with us.  One asks me to hand our preschooler over to his mother and "step away".  (Looking back, I have concluded I was about to be carted off.  But my son saved me.)  I tried to hand him over to his mother and he shrieked and grabbed me tighter.  I stepped away but with son, the officer pondered for a long moment, said "work it out" and they left.  Later my then-spouse taunted me that they'd given her the number for the local DV shelter.  Well, I made a police report a couple days later (I had recorded her threats and 911 call) and only then did I get a DV pamphlet.  I called but they told me they didn't have any resources for men.  Well, she ended up being arrested and charged with Threat of DV.  I got temporary possession of the residence and guess what... .she ended up living in a DV shelter called "House of Peace".  However, with her gone, I was the one who really had the house of peace and quiet.

Why isn't she the one in a temporary residence?  With you out it could be made to look like you had some culpability or guilt.  It may 'enable' her to hold on to a measure of control.  Already you've received subtle or veiled threats, right?  Your intent is to be 'nice' as so many of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals tried to be but it could end up sabotaging you.  I don't know if it will, but it could.  Just a POV to ponder.

Because our son is breast feeding, he is in her care... .I had him for over 4 hours before returning him... .

Please rethink this.  Breastfeeding is great but it should not be the basis for determining child care.  The child's feeding while with you can be accommodated with her also sending her expressed milk in refrigerated or frozen bottles at exchanges.  Hey, millions of mothers have done this, many due to their work schedules.  There's even breast pumps that mothers can use to make the process less difficult.  The point is that there is absolutely no reason for a mother, especially one facing court, to say, "I'm breastfeeding, I keep the baby 98% of the time."

In my county the court has a guideline parenting schedule where children under 3 years of age are never scheduled more than 2 or 3 days away from the non-primary parent.  Even if you are okay with being a non-primary parent, you do have a right (though not defined right now) to regular, substantive parenting time unless a court limits it.

[ForeverDad]

I'm not saying to be vindictive or heartless, it's just that you're leaving her too many ways to rewrite history, regain control and keep you in a position to be her target when raging.  Right now she can't but you will be astound how this could get minimized and her entitlement bounce right back.  Shift your priority to what's best for your son long term.  Your priority now is your child's future, not just in these months of breastfeeding but for the next two decades.  To do that you need to be a deeply involved parent and very likely she will try to sideline you from that goal.  Whether purposely or not, who knows, but her reactions will be to try to look better than you, so beware, even if she can't get the police to arrest you she can make endless allegations against you.  (My ex did that, they were never substantiated but CPS and other agencies always listened and investigated anyway.  After a few years they figured her out but still investigated despite her weakened credibility.)  You risk being an alternate weekend parent with minimal parenting time and facing an uphill struggle to get a workable long term order.

Beware of thinking, "But I have to help her."  I started my separation off on the right foot - she was the one looking bad - but I soon found out that courts have many default preferences for mothers.  It was as though I was the third left foot.  Believe me, she will have more than enough help from the various resources and agencies available to mothers as well as polices and procedures that usually favor mothers.  It took years for me to finally get an order that didn't enable her sense of entitlement and control.  Court was only interested in making small incremental fixes.  I had to keep going back citing newer incidents until the order was finally pretty close to what I'd sought in the early years.

[livednlearned]

  These past few days have been emotionally exhausting.  I did not anticpate the amount of heartache and anxiety I would endure in this situation.   It's awful.      

I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through right now, dachef. Your situation is truly difficult, and it must be breaking your heart to try and hold all of this together. We're here for you, and I'm glad you're posting. You're not alone.

In BPD relationships, we often have to protect them from themselves, which is not an easy thing to do. Many people with BPD, especially those who are untreated and undiagnosed, do not have adult emotional skills to take care of themselves and close others. The job of being an emotional leader falls to you, and this can include the extremely painful decision to choose your son's well-being, and your own, over your wife's.

You are the number one most important adult in your son's life. She does not have the capacity to make good decisions, and there will likely come a point where her disorder will severely impact your son's chances at a healthy childhood.

Like FD mentioned, it's wise to get legal counsel so that you understand how the machinery of family court works where you live. Sometimes we do things that inadvertently sabotage our efforts to protect ourselves and our children. Understanding how things work can protect you from worse things happening to your family.

People on this board have walked in your shoes, and we have made the same agonizing decisions, with ex spouses who were similarly disordered. The most important thing you can do for your son right now is to take care of yourself. If you are not emotionally strong enough to do that (out of guilt, or obligation, or fear), then focus on his well-being and making sure he has a stable parent taking care of him. That's you.

Talk to a lawyer and ask what you should be doing in order to increase your chances of getting full custody. You don't have to retain this lawyer -- it's an opportunity to find out how the legal system will view your situation. Ask him what happens if she makes a false allegation, and what could happen to your child if both parents were accused of assault.

Her threats to commit suicide must also be agonizing for you. The best way to help her is to tell her (in advance, if possible) that you take these threats seriously, and that for her protection, yours, and your son's, you will call 911 because they are trained to help people who are feeling suicidal. On other boards, we recommend that loved ones have a safety plan for themselves, and for their BPD partners. Because when things go from bad to worse, it is hard to think clearly and make good choices, especially understanding the consequences (and laws) for your area and how they impact your family, whether financially or legally.

Boundaries to protect you and your child are healthy. Those boundaries may have adverse consequences for your wife, and she will not like it when you introduce a new boundary. Boundaries are also essential in BPD relationships. Your BPD wife needs them even if she resents them, and for your son, they are essential.

We're here for you, friend.  

LnL

[dachef]

Please rethink this.  Breastfeeding is great but it should not be the basis for determining child care.  The child's feeding while with you can be accommodated with her also sending her expressed milk in refrigerated or frozen bottles at exchanges.

I can see your point.  But, to further clarify... . 

my non diagnosed BPD ex gf and I  are on the other side of the country, far away from our family circles.  Which limits my access to family support if I was thrust into a primary care provider role.   

I also work 2 jobs, including one that will keep me out until 2-3 a.m. tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday.   And a 9-5 Monday to Friday office job.  I simply could not wrap my head around becoming a primary care provider at the time of the assault.  Up until this point, I have worked and she has cared for the child during the day. 

I have arranged for my father to come and support me during this process,  he will be arriving this afternoon and he will be the third party doing the exchange tonight and tomorrow before court.  This will be a chilling moment for her, because she adores my family, and up until now, her behavior and patterns have been kept under wraps (for the most part.)  I have also called her mom and pleaded for her to come and support her daughter during the court proceedings.   Mainly because I am unsure of how things will turn out.   

 

[Thunderstruck]

Please rethink this.  Breastfeeding is great but it should not be the basis for determining child care.  The child's feeding while with you can be accommodated with her also sending her expressed milk in refrigerated or frozen bottles at exchanges.

I can see your point.  But, to further clarify... . 

my non diagnosed BPD ex gf and I  are on the other side of the country, far away from our family circles.  Which limits my access to family support if I was thrust into a primary care provider role.    

I also work 2 jobs, including one that will keep me out until 2-3 a.m. tonight, tomorrow, and Saturday.   And a 9-5 Monday to Friday office job.  I simply could not wrap my head around becoming a primary care provider at the time of the assault.  Up until this point, I have worked and she has cared for the child during the day.  

I have arranged for my father to come and support me during this process,  he will be arriving this afternoon and he will be the third party doing the exchange tonight and tomorrow before court.  This will be a chilling moment for her, because she adores my family, and up until now, her behavior and patterns have been kept under wraps (for the most part.)  I have also called her mom and pleaded for her to come and support her daughter during the court proceedings.   Mainly because I am unsure of how things will turn out.  

 

This was my DH's position many years ago when he had his uBPDx arrested for hitting him. She pled no contest to battery. (she lied about the court date so DH couldn't show up). He let her move back in with him because he didn't think he could take care of my SD alone. Boy was that a bad move! But he was deep in the FOG back then.

FYI, DV in front of the child is CHILD ABUSE. It is NOT in the child's best interest to be with an abusive parent. Has CPS been called?

I have a 6 month old and we feed him formula, he is happy and healthy and strong. You could feed your baby formula.

[dachef]

I would like to preface this post by stating that I am committed to trying to make it work with my undiagnosed BPD GF. 

That being said, Tomorrow will be her 34th birthday and our sons 6 month birthday.   It will also be my first of 2 meetings with child protective services, and my 14th day adhering to a no-contact order and being away from our son.   

(I have seen him 12 of 14 days through third party exchanges)

On the 14th of March, my undiagnosed BPD GF attacked me - went for my neck.  I'd describe it as a half-assed choking attempt,  flailing, squeezing, digging nails into my neck, scratching pulling my shirt kind of attack.  at the time I had our son in my arms, I endured the attack, shielded my son and pleaded with her to stop and not in front of the baby.   She proceeded to forcefully wrestle the child from my arms and then fled to the baby room. ( I did not react or resist)  I didn't let her be alone in the room with the baby and she considered that abuse so she called the cops on me.  Only to be arrested on site due to the reality of the situation.

Here we are 14 days later, I've been motel hoping and continue to work 2 jobs to pay all of our household bills.   She has the house and the baby and is facing a domestic violence assault charge on Friday.  I have been contacted by child protective services, and am meeting with them Tuesday and with child protective services and the local domestic violence police division On Thursday.

My reasoning for wanting to make things work is as follows-

1. I feel it's my duty as a father to try and work things out, for the sake of keeping the family together.

2.  I have endured this kind of violent behaviour from her for 4+ years and have never called the cops on her.  I've steered her towards therapy help twice and at some points it seemed like it was helping.  Why throw my hands up now?   My son is going to need me around as much as possible during this healing process.   

I'm looking for thoughts, advice, experience, perspective, everything.    You don't need to candy coat anything, I really appreciate your honest opinion.   

[livednlearned]

Hi dachef,

It's honorable that you want to try and work things out, and like you said, you've been through a lot with her. She's a real person with real feelings and you feel love for her, and want her to be well. All of us here wanted to keep our families together in one way or another.

The hard thing for many of us, and a very painful lesson to learn, is that the courts are set up to protect the well-being of the child, and if they don't think you have good judgment about making sure your baby is safe, you can end up having your child taken away.

You may want to rephrase your priorities as:

1. I feel it is my duty as a father to protect my child. I am willing to work with professionals to figure out how best to do that, and what to do when and if my son's mother becomes violent toward me or my child again. Grabbing him out of my arms was not ok the first time and it can never happen again.

2. I felt I was able to handle violent behavior before and I can now see that just because I could handle it does not mean my son can. My first priority needs to be my son. I am willing to hear what professionals recommend to help me be the best dad for my son.

Can you get a consult with an attorney before Thursday? This would be to make sure you understand the implications of anything you say to CPS or the DV people. You are now in the system and you need to understand how it works so it doesn't chew you up and spit you out.

[ForeverDad]

Do not hide her poor behaviors.  As much as you want the relationship to continue, hiding her poor, even abusive, behaviors would be self-sabotaging.  Perhaps her rages and emotions are focused on you thus far and not yet on your son, but given time and opportunity, eventually she will act out toward him.  Especially when he gets older and starts wanting some input on decisions.  That will come sooner than you think.  We're not talking teenage years, we're talking in just a few years.  Children need guidance as they get gradual increases in age-appropriate levels of independence.  Almost surely she won't be able to grant him that despite how much she claims to love him, her perceptions are skewed and her emotions too volatile, unpredictable and inconsistent.

Sadly, you will have to take this as an opportunity to document her instability and volatility.  If she has tried to make counter allegations against you then you also need to get her willingness to make false allegations documented.  It may prove helpful in the years to come as you strive to be a very involved father.  Whether or not your relationship with her manages to survive, you will always be his father.  He needs his father, right?

Have you gotten some overnights with your son in the past week?  Her willingness now to allow — or conversely, to obstruct — your parenting is a significant indicator of your future, whether she will work with you or obstruct you.

[dachef]

Have you gotten some overnights with your son in the past week?  Her willingness now to allow — or conversely, to obstruct — your parenting is a significant indicator of your future, whether she will work with you or obstruct you.

This is a sore point for me right now.  I have got 0 overnights, and she has made plans for him on my only day off of the week (Sunday) the past 2 weeks.   On top of that, she tries to control the amount of time I spend with him usually capping off at 2.5 hours.   Due to her not being able to arrange for 3rd party exchanges and breastmilk supply.   All the effort falls to me and my one friend.