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Author Topic: Friendship without the commitment and unknown boundaries  (Read 481 times)
anothercasualty
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: March 16, 2016, 10:11:12 AM »

So, since we broke up, she has wanted to maintain a friendship. I was open to that. When I would ask if she wanted to meet for an event of some sort or go for coffee, she would tell me that was out of bounds. If I asked her what her boundaries were, she would just seize up. She would turn it around on me and ask why do I need to have it all figured out? Why can't I just let it naturally evolve? I really didn't need to know every intimate rule, but holy crap. To go from a fully committed relationship that appeared to be heading to marriage into a friendship might require some discussion as to what each person wants or needs.

She is able to define the boundaries on the fly, but can't explain them. She can't give any idea where they come from or what purpose they serve.

What the heck?
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anothercasualty
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« Reply #1 on: March 16, 2016, 10:22:13 AM »

Nothing like replying to your own post... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

If I am trying to disengage and move one, why the heck am I worried about a friendship or what motivates her. Let that be someone else's issue.

Carry on, I am getting a little bit wiser as times goes on.

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steelwork
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« Reply #2 on: March 16, 2016, 10:23:35 AM »

My ex and I had a similar "friendship" for a few months. Boundaries apparently included no meeting in person or even phone conversations, no expectation of direct address of current status of friendship, no acknowledgement of past. Pfft. He cut me off at the first sign that I was not cool with all that.

Maybe he didn't know what he wanted. Maybe he wanted me on a string, or to punish me. Maybe he sincerely wanted to stay friends but found me too triggering. Who knows?

And maybe you guys can make it work. Just remember what "friend" means to you and expect nothing less. Otherwise, admit (as I did not) that you are in fact clinging to hope.
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steelwork
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« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2016, 10:26:00 AM »

Sorry--cross posted with your "never mind."
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troisette
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« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2016, 11:49:26 AM »

Suggest you spend some time thinking about what friendship means to you anothercasualty and whether you think she can meet what you need from a friend.

My ex was frantic to be my friend; for me, friends are loyal, loving, honest, trustworthy and have my best interests at heart. My experience of him was that he was unable to be any of those things for me, or for anyone else that he claimed as a friend, although he was skilled at pretense. I didn't want to be another but it was hard to say no.

I did though and don't regret it, otherwise it would have extended his opportunities to manipulate me and play push/pull.

Good luck.
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Frustratedbloke
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« Reply #5 on: March 16, 2016, 11:58:38 AM »

I just had this, I was effectively relegated to 'friend' without my consent or consultation, she just stopped sleeping with me and told me she would soon, when she was out of the mood, when she had time, blah blah... .

I told her friends with benefits with no benefits is just friends and there is no way in hell that her friendship would ever be worth it to me, I don't want her friendship, she is not good friend material. I had to lay it out like that because I'd been telling her gently and firmly for a month that this wasn't actually cool with me.

I finally snapped on her, ended up calling her a total user, a titanic b**** and someone I would quite happily never see again, it literally turned into 'get your pants off or get lost', which she would have taken as controlling and demeaning. But honestly, you don't need friends like them, they'll never have your back, never be supportive, they'll just keep taking.

That's why they want to be friends, in case they need something from you. It's not meant to be a two way street, which is why they got angry when you wanted something, even a sense of direction, from them.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #6 on: March 16, 2016, 12:41:56 PM »

That's why they want to be friends, in case they need something from you. It's not meant to be a two way street, which is why they got angry when you wanted something, even a sense of direction, from them.

I think that's *almost* true, but I think it's really more like "I still want from you what I still want from you, and that's no longer XYZ, so I'm not going to talk about that and don't bring it up... ." Funny how people can suddenly start having boundary skills after the relationship!  

But yes, once you see that it's no longer a two-way street, or that "relationship progression" is being stymied directly and overtly... .that's a rough road, and you probably need to walk away.
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