My creed for pwBPD

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/10-things-you-need-to-do-after-breaking-up-with-an-emotionally-abusive-woman/

Get real with yourself. Commit the following statements to memory:

She won’t change.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

Found this online and wish I had the original poster to take credit. It works for me.

Have a great day everyone.

[JerryRG]

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/10-things-you-need-to-do-after-breaking-up-with-an-emotionally-abusive-woman/

Get real with yourself. Commit the following statements to memory:

She won’t change.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

Found this online and wish I had the original poster to take credit. It works for me.

Have a great day everyone.

[WoundedBibi]

And of course "she" and "her" can be replaced with "he" and "him" if needed 

[JerryRG]

Absolutely WoundedBibi

[GreenEyedMonster]

The part about having had a life before this person met us is SO important.  Spending time doing things you enjoy and reminding yourself that that person wasn't the key to your happiness is priceless.

[WoundedBibi]

Yes... That is a reason I can't wait to be able to walk again. Being stuck on what Americans would call the 3rd floor with your own thoughts can be very challenging.

[once removed]

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[Ab123]

That list is really helpful. I would just say that part of my healing process was accepting that he loved (loves?-ack!) me. When I would question that, other pieces didn't make sense. For my exbf, upwBPD, just had other emotions (fear, anger, shame) that were much stronger than love, and, when combined with poor impulse control, led to horrible unloving behavior.

In reading here and elsewhere, this may be a significant difference between "pure" BPD and other cluster B disorders / comorbid situations.

I don't think I could have reached acceptance (which is where I mostly am now), if I didn't accept that it was "real" and that he meant what he said when he said it, including that he loved me deeply. He is just really messed up in ways that make love not enough. Or, worse, make love a trigger for stress/emotions that cause bad behavior.

[WoundedBibi]

Oh there was love for sure, I'm just not sure if it was for ME or for who he thought I was; a woman who would save him because she could understand his pain but would never respond in an emotional way because she was cool, calm, collected and would never want something he didn't want to and would forgive him for everything. And who was well read, smart, got his juices flowing, blah blah blah.

I am all of that except I'm not always cool & calm (I only appear to be when I'm not emotionally involved, a mask I need to work on), I do want things for me, I don't always want to have to clean up my guy's mess and I don't accept all behaviour.

And of course I didn't love all of him either. I loved the him he presented, not the vindictive one he showed later. I thought he was someone else too.

[JerryRG]

I do apologize for not referencing and giving credit to Shrink for Men, I cut and paste 100s of these things into my phone to read over and over again. I have watched many of Dr. Tara J. Palmatiers videos on BPD and love her. I had no intention to take any credit for this material and posted it to help my fellow sufferers. I will respect the rules and regulations as best I can and thank you for allowing me to be part of this community.

JerryRG

[JerryRG]

And I agree with the idea my ex did love me too, I just didn't feel that I should edit this person's list. My ex wrote lengthy letters to me and one had 100 reasons she loved me. Think she got to 50 and stopped. That was the honeymoon phase of coarse, after that her love turned to "I love you if you worship me and allow me to do as I wish and take my sarcasms and put downs like a man"

If I did ever call her on the meaness it was me being too sensitive. Maybe I was at times but she bit the hand that fed her. Obnoxious, toxic, angry little child

[once removed]

no worries JerryRG.

it makes plenty of sense to me that youre saving lots of suggestions that sustain you. i had a lot of the same fears and doubts. especially would my ex be "better" with the next guy? i saved a lot of stuff that told me she wouldnt. is that your fear?

did you feel like your ex insulted your masculinity?

[JerryRG]

Yes she did insult my masculinity along with everything else, she was so mean and I wasn't looking for her being happy with the next guy but because of her twisted thinking I wasn't sure what just happened. I tell people my experience with this relationship was tramatic, constant threats of suicide, lies, saying horrible things about my family and hers, insults, sarcasm, twisting facts, accusatuons, on and on.

She figured out in her pointy little head I was the father of her sisters baby? Huh? I stood there mouth wide open in shock, trying to finds words and, yep you must be or you wouldn't defend yourself so defiently. So many lies and psychotic statements about seeing evil things, people bugging her internet, phone? Eventually I started questioning my own sense of reality.

No, she was nuts, insane, everyone told me but by that point our child needed to be protected. Funny thing is I'm not entirely sure people believe me when I tell them about her, who would? Very frustrating and sick.

She asked me once if I were gay, she was pregnant at the time and we were having lengthy "bouts" on average 2 to 3 times a day. Yep, I'm gay for sure! Idiot! Lol.

She loved to hurt me, others whoever it was just her self lothing bubbling to the surface. She was what she projected on to me, miserable little girl who was unhappy and instead of accepting anything or working to change herself she beat me and others up.

Bullies are cowards, I would say wolves in sheep's clothing but that's far too sinister, she was a quivering little mouse with a big mouth, tiny heart and a very disturbed mind.

Thank God I'm alive and becoming whole again.

So thankyou and trust me when I say this site is vital in my recover and I thank each and every one of you for your experience, love and caring, I believe the only reason bad things happen to good people is that they can help others. I believe this to be our primary purpose in this life.

Peace and God bless you all.

Lol! I'm gay! Stupid little a**hole I rocked your world only because I genuinely loved you more than my own life and spent every waking moment proving it! Open your damn eyes... .Oops too late I told you GAME OVER! Changed my number and went No Contact. Your loss honey, just one more good guy you lost, one more reason to hate yourself. Find a better guy? LOL! GOOD LUCK. I died for you 9,999 times and I have nothing.      left.      to.        give... .

except

Adios

[gundam94]

I have that list written down on a poster board in my room. Every day when I wake up or go to bed I see it.

[apepper21]

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/08/14/10-things-you-need-to-do-after-breaking-up-with-an-emotionally-abusive-woman/

Get real with yourself. Commit the following statements to memory:

She won’t change.

You can’t make her better.

She doesn’t love you.

Things really were that bad.

You can’t be friends with her.

She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.

She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.

A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.

You deserve better.

You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

Found this online and wish I had the original poster to take credit. It works for me.

Have a great day everyone.

I LOVE this, I changed it to apply to a guy and printed it out, thank YOU!

I was just starting to fall down the sad depressed path, after feeling really good all day, thanks!

[once removed]

it sounds like when she was pregnant her abandonment fears and distorted thinking were at a particular high. feelings = fact and quite often our inclination to defend ourselves against distorted thinking reinforces it. i remember my ex would accuse me of outrageous things, with a look of smug self satisfaction and certainty that drove me up a wall. it was usually my response to tell her she was insane, or other similar adjectives, which was obviously not productive. you and i didnt know that at the time, but we do now.

i think having your masculinity or femininity insulted is particularly wounding. a deal breaker too, in my opinion.

I believe the only reason bad things happen to good people is that they can help others. I believe this to be our primary purpose in this life.

i believe suffering can instill us with greater compassion for others, but i dont think its the only reason we suffer. suffering can teach us a lifetime of lessons about ourselves. what do you think?

[JerryRG]

I agree once removed, she went wild after she got pregnant, beating me up several times and grabbed my steering wheel trying to make me crash may car. Blamed the hormones. She told me our baby would save her from her additions, so our son was in her mind saving her. With her attitude about him she began looking at me as a potential enemy. Very strange but what isn't about pwBPD?

I worded what I meant about people suffering without thinking and texting on a cell phone, in my case I need to suffer before I learn. I have learned in AA that in order to keep our Sobriety we need to help others.