New Territory

[lacy1234]

Twelve years ago my mother demanded that all her adult children and my father join her in family counseling, as we all needed to be "fixed." Being that we were all in dysfunctional/codependent relationships with her, we dutifully "obeyed". Inadvertently, that was the best gift she ever gave me. After our first family session resulting in her flipping out when I made a statement she didn't like, I began seeing the therapist on my own (subsequently, she cussed the therapist out on the phone after the family session, withdrew herself as a client, told the family we were all messed up and followed by sending the therapist flowers with lengthy apology letter). During my private sessions, the therapist told me that my mother had BPD and began educating me on the disorder (prior to that day, I had never heard of BPD and I left her office thinking that the "borderline" aspect of the illness meant that she was on the "verge or border" of having a problem; to this day I actually laugh out loud remembering this funny detail). The therapist was wonderfully helpful and she supported my journey of healing/recovery from a lifetime of emotional scars. Today I am quite proud of my progress. Of course, I'm still learning every day how to interact in a healthy manner with my mother, as it takes longer than 12 years to heal a lifetime of scars that come from being raised by a parent with BPD. I'm using this site as interim of assistance to deal with new circumstances. My father was very ill for the past year and passed away three months ago. His death has  left our family with confusing issues surrounding my mother and I find I need education/support with knowing how to deal with these changes.  I absolutely love the therapist I've seen in the past however, due to financial limitations,  I'm not in a position to seek her advice at this time. I hope this forum will be a helpful bridge until I have the circumstances to return to therapy.  The above is the short version of a very LONG story.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome to our online community, Lacy1234! 

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your father recently. I lost my dad in August last year, so I am only a few months ahead of you. I'm sure you must be experiencing a lot of grief yet, and that is probably adding to the problems you are having with your mom.

It sounds as if you have come far on your healing journey, and how wonderful that you have done so well!  I think you'll find some good help and listening ears here. Have you taken a look at the Survivors Guide on the side? What step would you say you are on now?

What types of changes are you dealing with in your relationship with your BPDm currently? Are any other family members aware of her BPD?


Wools

[lacy1234]

Thank you for your kind welcome Wools!

To answer your question as to where I am on the Survivors Guide, I'm in the "Healing" stage. At times I feel stronger in some aspects of the different seven points, but I have a good grasp on all seven at this point in my life. 

My siblings know my mother has BPD. We're all in varied stages of our recovery/ understanding of this disorder. I began serious therapy in my thirties, after the birth of my daughter. Becoming a mother really brought many crucial issues into the light for me. My siblings do not have children, but as they age and progress, I see the light turning on for them as well. Looking at where they each are currently is a reminder that recovery is a process. When I observe their behaviors (healthy and unhealthy), I remember being in their exact same stage. We are all very protective and supportive of one another. I'm the identified "awful" child and my mom tries diligently to turn my siblings against me, but she's never successful. I have always appreciated our collective loyalty to one another.

Interestingly, no matter how they rage against her, she never says anything negative about them to me or anyone else. I will know that my sister just left my mother where she blew up at her and my mother will talk to me soon thereafter and say, "your sister and I had a lovely visit today, too bad you never come see me". I don't call her out on this anymore because I'm not interested in engaging her in unnecessary conflict, but when I did in the past, she would say, "I have no idea what you are talking about". It used to make me SO angry I could breathe fire, but now I find many of her behaviors humorous because they are often completely illogical. In my experience with my mother, I've learned that words/discussions are pointless, only my actions count. I stick to my equation of positive behavior = my interaction with her vs. negative behavior = my total non interaction with her. My mother wants to engage, period. Positively or negatively, it doesn't matter.  I used to set boundaries by verbalizing everything, "when you do this, I will do that" etc. But those conversations only fed more negative behavior. Finally one day my husband suggested that I stop giving explanations. He reminded me of her extreme intelligence. He suggested that when she reacted poorly and I stepped away, there was no need to explain because she knew full well why I wasn't calling or visiting. I took his suggestion and I couldn't believe the results. I would refrain from any interaction with her until she began acting appropriately again. Our cycle continues to this day, however her negative interactions with me are much less than they used to be. She still bad mouths me, but I don't focus on it because it is out of my control. I don't like the idea of her doing this, but I figure that the people who know me, won't believe her and those that do believe her will eventually figure the situation out. Now she has very few people that will listen to her unless they are brand new to her circle. I primarily concern myself with her behavior during our in person interactions. I decided I can't police what she does separate from me. No more than she can police me. I don't bad mouth my mother, however I do speak to trusted friends when needed and I know that would infuriate her if she knew I spoke about her to anyone. Truth be told, me writing this entry on this site would be considered a huge act of betrayal to her, but I do what I need to do. I give myself permission to take care of myself guilt free.

The issues I'm dealing with at present are her tendency to use her grief to manipulate. Someone losing their husband would obviously have many negative, sad and lonely feelings. Out of basic humanity, my siblings and I want to assist her with this loss. That said, I know she often feels like she won the lottery, because as my siblings and I assist her she ups the manipulation tactics. We're often caught off guard and I know I personally feel confused as to when to step in and when not to step in to assist her. In the past I never rescued her, but now I feel I might be playing into her helpless and eternal victim mode more than I recognize.  Once I finalize my boundaries to myself, I know I can stick to them. My problem is for the first time in a long time my boundaries seem fuzzy to me.  I feel like I need someone with an outside point of view to help me with my perspective. I'm certain my own grief makes this matter more complicated.

Please feel free to offer your advice.

Thank you!

[Starting_Over]

As long as your friends and your mother never speak it should be fine... .just in case they accidentally imply something that you discussed with them. Have you decided how much contact you want to have with her? It's funny my psychologist told me that it is ok to make up excuses for not seeing family, because I find my mother and sister almost as emotionally draining as my father. Her attempts to guilt trip you are not appropriate. I only see my mom and sister every few months, and they always seem to act in ways that make me not want to see them just when I think I am ready. For example, my sister will tell me how much money my parents currently owe her... .my husband and I are not willing, or able, to help so why tell me that.

There are no real rules regarding what kind of relationship you have with immediate family, it just needs to feel right for you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi again Lacy1234,

It definitely sounds like you are doing very well in progressing along to healing!

To answer your question as to where I am on the Survivors Guide, I'm in the "Healing" stage. At times I feel stronger in some aspects of the different seven points, but I have a good grasp on all seven at this point in my life. 

I think it is also great that your siblings are healing too. Sounds as if you are able to respect their individual journeys and support them in the process. And that's for sure how this whole thing works, through the process of time. 

In one of the books that I have read, (I think it's in "Surviving a Borderline Parent" but I can't find the quote right now), there is a statement that says the BPD person sees the world with a different reality than we as survivors do. Your statement below follows right along that line, with your mom denying what is real with what she believes or wants to believe happened.

Interestingly, no matter how they rage against her, she never says anything negative about them to me or anyone else. I will know that my sister just left my mother where she blew up at her and my mother will talk to me soon thereafter and say, "your sister and I had a lovely visit today, too bad you never come see me". I don't call her out on this anymore because I'm not interested in engaging her in unnecessary conflict, but when I did in the past, she would say, "I have no idea what you are talking about".

It is futile to engage with them when their reality is the only one that seems to matter to them. Indeed it is maddening!

Thank you for sharing with me some of the current challenges you are having with your BPDm after your dad's passing. It helps me to understand. It must be quite hard to distinguish between, "Is this the grief of a widow who has just lost her DH and is stumbling through the stages of grief unsure of what to do," or "Is this the BPDm who is playing the victim role AND the widow role to her advantage and using us (or causing us to feel the noose tightening around our necks), pulling us back in to enmeshment with her?" Does it sound like I am understanding you correctly?

My church began a program entitled "Grief Share" right about the time my dad passed away in August. I couldn't go for the first couple of weeks, but I did attend for about 12 weeks. Now we are going through it once again, so I'm in my second go around. I know Hospice also offers a grief group, and my step-mom just finished taking a class there and said it was wonderful. All that is said to share with you something that has been emphasized in the grief share class/video: In order to best take care of your mom or anyone else, first help yourself. Find a grief group to help you process the grief of losing your dad. You cannot help others effectively until you take care of your self first. I found myself just too tired mentally and physically to take care of me, let alone my family. The same principles that you've learned in your T to help with your BPDm apply to the grief process. You have to begin to heal and then you will have both the strength and clarity of mind to help your mom or someone else. I think that as you do this, then some of the issues with your mom will hopefully begin to clarify. It doesn't mean that they'll be fixed, but it will allow you some time and your mind will clear, thus allowing you to pick up on the more subtle (or not so subtle!) signals she is sending.

Are you the oldest child or where do you fall in the birth order? And do you all live close to your mom? Have you been able to share the responsibility of helping her so that it doesn't fall on just one person?


Wools