Emotional Blackmail Please Help

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi... its been a while since I've been here, but I recently had an episode with my BPD mother that has triggered a lot of very painful horrible feelings and I'm feeling very trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. After years and years of enmeshment I have become very little contact with my mother. This has been the case for the past few years. It worked well for a while. We rarely talk or see each other and when we do, its mainly all about my kids or very superficial conversation. I no longer "let her in" as far as my life is concerned. I do not usually initiate or make contact unless it is a text about my kids or photo text of my kids. A few days ago I called her... which is why I'm here. It had been a few weeks since I had talked to her and my son had just had a major potty training breakthrough(big stuff in my life... ) I felt the urge to tell my mom. I'm sure some of you know what I mean, an urge to share my life with my mother and my childrens grandmother. Sometimes she acts half normal, so we called to tell her the big news. She didn't answer, but called back about 20 minutes later crying(why did I call!)! I of course at this point, had to ask her what was wrong! She began to tell me she has been dealing with medical issues and she has no one to talk to. She then told me my father is not there for her and neither am I, and she is so saddened by it! I tried to ask what was going on but she abruptly said she had to get off the phone through her cries! As much as I desperately try to detach, of course I was upset. I tried really hard not to be, but I was. I did, however, wait for her to initiate the next contact which she did a few days later. She apologized for "dumping" on me. Now let me be clear, my mother does NOT NOT NOT apologize! In her head she is NEVER wrong! I was slightly dumbfounded! She then began to explain to me that when I called her she was feeling suicidal! A little backstory for any of you who do not know: My brother committed suicide in 2007. All that I have as far as family outside of my husband and kids, is my mother and father. She moved us away from all other relatives as a baby and I have had no real contact with any of them. Anyway, this is the second time recently she has told me she was feeling suicidal, she told me that at Christmas time this year as well(my brother died December 17th) She has also told me more times than i can count that if it wasn't for me and my kids she would have killed herself too. Ever since this conversation I have been in a tailspin! My emotions are running so high and it triggered me horribly! I now think the "apology" was actually just her way to dump this horrible guilt on me. But the fear is real, I believe she will end her life at some point. I tell myself if she does it, I will hate her for it, not go to her funeral, forget she existed. But when I'm honest with myself I know it will be yet another devastation to my life, and to my children! I don't know what to do, or how to handle this anymore. I have tried to talk to her and tried to talk to my father, I have tried to take care of her, tried to talk her into getting help. There is nothing left for me to do. But at this point I am so messed up over this. I'm so angry! I'm so angry that this is my situation! I'm angry at my brother, I'm angry at my enabling father, and most of all I'm angry at her! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted! I want to forget that I came from that dysfunctional mess and move on with my beautiful family but feel I cant do it, even with very limited contact anymore! But the fear in me is so real! I feel baited! I feel like she wants me to be the excuse of her demise! She pushes and pushes and when I finally get her out completely, this will be the outcome! These last few conversations feel like a preview of what is to come! I am beating myself up for even allowing this to happen to me again! I have been doing so well detached from her, and I know that she hates me for it, and obviously this is my punishment! I know that I have done all that I can, but I cant stop the guilt right now! I'm scared that I will have to live with the guilt of not being able to save my dysfunctional family forever! But right now I feel like I'm drowning and she is holding me under the water! I cant take them in my life but i don't know how to get out! The last fight we had, she went to the ER! My Dad called me to tell me she was in the hospital because she thought she having a heart attack! Give me a damn break! I don't know how to not feel guilty when my kids ask about my parents... they love their grandparents on the rare times we see them! I feel drained and stuck and I'm not sure how to get up from this blow right now, I don't know what the next move should be! Do I call and tell them never to contact me again? Do I never answer the phone again? Never let my kids see them again? Please, if any of you have any insight or advice I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm feeling really lost right now! Thanks! 

[lm1109]

Hi... its been a while since I've been here, but I recently had an episode with my BPD mother that has triggered a lot of very painful horrible feelings and I'm feeling very trapped. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. After years and years of enmeshment I have become very little contact with my mother. This has been the case for the past few years. It worked well for a while. We rarely talk or see each other and when we do, its mainly all about my kids or very superficial conversation. I no longer "let her in" as far as my life is concerned. I do not usually initiate or make contact unless it is a text about my kids or photo text of my kids. A few days ago I called her... which is why I'm here. It had been a few weeks since I had talked to her and my son had just had a major potty training breakthrough(big stuff in my life... ) I felt the urge to tell my mom. I'm sure some of you know what I mean, an urge to share my life with my mother and my childrens grandmother. Sometimes she acts half normal, so we called to tell her the big news. She didn't answer, but called back about 20 minutes later crying(why did I call!)! I of course at this point, had to ask her what was wrong! She began to tell me she has been dealing with medical issues and she has no one to talk to. She then told me my father is not there for her and neither am I, and she is so saddened by it! I tried to ask what was going on but she abruptly said she had to get off the phone through her cries! As much as I desperately try to detach, of course I was upset. I tried really hard not to be, but I was. I did, however, wait for her to initiate the next contact which she did a few days later. She apologized for "dumping" on me. Now let me be clear, my mother does NOT NOT NOT apologize! In her head she is NEVER wrong! I was slightly dumbfounded! She then began to explain to me that when I called her she was feeling suicidal! A little backstory for any of you who do not know: My brother committed suicide in 2007. All that I have as far as family outside of my husband and kids, is my mother and father. She moved us away from all other relatives as a baby and I have had no real contact with any of them. Anyway, this is the second time recently she has told me she was feeling suicidal, she told me that at Christmas time this year as well(my brother died December 17th) She has also told me more times than i can count that if it wasn't for me and my kids she would have killed herself too. Ever since this conversation I have been in a tailspin! My emotions are running so high and it triggered me horribly! I now think the "apology" was actually just her way to dump this horrible guilt on me. But the fear is real, I believe she will end her life at some point. I tell myself if she does it, I will hate her for it, not go to her funeral, forget she existed. But when I'm honest with myself I know it will be yet another devastation to my life, and to my children! I don't know what to do, or how to handle this anymore. I have tried to talk to her and tried to talk to my father, I have tried to take care of her, tried to talk her into getting help. There is nothing left for me to do. But at this point I am so messed up over this. I'm so angry! I'm so angry that this is my situation! I'm angry at my brother, I'm angry at my enabling father, and most of all I'm angry at her! I'm emotionally drained and exhausted! I want to forget that I came from that dysfunctional mess and move on with my beautiful family but feel I cant do it, even with very limited contact anymore! But the fear in me is so real! I feel baited! I feel like she wants me to be the excuse of her demise! She pushes and pushes and when I finally get her out completely, this will be the outcome! These last few conversations feel like a preview of what is to come! I am beating myself up for even allowing this to happen to me again! I have been doing so well detached from her, and I know that she hates me for it, and obviously this is my punishment! I know that I have done all that I can, but I cant stop the guilt right now! I'm scared that I will have to live with the guilt of not being able to save my dysfunctional family forever! But right now I feel like I'm drowning and she is holding me under the water! I cant take them in my life but i don't know how to get out! The last fight we had, she went to the ER! My Dad called me to tell me she was in the hospital because she thought she having a heart attack! Give me a damn break! I don't know how to not feel guilty when my kids ask about my parents... they love their grandparents on the rare times we see them! I feel drained and stuck and I'm not sure how to get up from this blow right now, I don't know what the next move should be! Do I call and tell them never to contact me again? Do I never answer the phone again? Never let my kids see them again? Please, if any of you have any insight or advice I'd greatly appreciate it. I'm feeling really lost right now! Thanks! 

[understandnow]

Oh Im1109 I cannot read this and not answer.  I am so sorry you have this emotional blackmail going on with your mother.  Sounds like she is definetly using FOG to bring you into her triangle.  Do you have a therapist that can guide you.  My heart goes out to you as this is an ongoing process in your life.  I am fairly new to this sight but I hope someone who has more experience than me can help you. Please know we all are there for you. 

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, im1109,

I'm so sorry to hear what's going on with your mom and family.

One of the single most helpful things I was ever told about my suicidal mom (uBPD) and my suicidal mother-in-law (also uBPD) was that it was 100% okay for me to call 911 if/when one of them expressed suicidal ideation. Because if a person is in fact actually suicidal, the 911 responders are trained to help them get to a stable, protected situation - with professionals who can help far better than just family members or friends. With both my mom and my mil, most of the "suicidal" things they were feeling were not actually suicide plans, but were either extreme feelings of anger and sadness, or outright manipulation (my mil actually admitted to this at one point.) In that case, calling 911 helps in two ways - A) It shows the "suicidal" person that you are taking them seriously by actually responding appropriately to their words, and B) it calls their bluff in a way that may lead to them thinking twice about trying that particular manipulation again. In any case, it is a good move to get 911 help when someone starts talking suicide.

[lm1109]

Thank you for your responses.  claudiaduffy... .I agree as far as 911 goes and I do have that as my plan if she was ever to call me in the moment. Unfortunately, however, both times she has told me after the fact, as in I was feeling suicidal that particular day. With that, I don't know what to do! Clearly she is thinking about it! I don't know what 911 would do if I was to call them because she was suicidal days before. May I ask, if you ever had to call 911 on either your mother or mil? What was the outcome of it?  understandnow... .I did have a therapist years ago when my brother died. I did make the decision last night to call her again and make an appointment. I feel that at this point I'm dealing with the highest degree of dysfunction and obviously need a professional opinion. I just want out of the relationship, I cant deal with another loss, but most importantly I do NOT want my children ever getting close to her when she is threatening this outcome. I'm just sick over it and at some point I deserve to be happy!

[claudiaduffy]

May I ask, if you ever had to call 911 on either your mother or mil? What was the outcome of it? 

Well, if you want the story... .Yes, we did. That is, I didn't call directly, but my husband did, since it was his mom. She had sent us both multiple texts and emails telling us to take better care of her animals than we did of her, goodbye, et cetera (all because we hadn't agreed to seeing her on a day when she wanted us to come over. SMH.) So he called the cops, we gave it a few minutes, and then we went over to the house too. It was awkward (within five minutes she was trying to make small talk with the cops and telling them about our dating history, of all things, to make the cop feel bad about not marrying the woman he lived with. My mil literally can't stand for anyone with authority to tell her she can't or shouldn't do something, so when the cops showed up to stop her from killing herself, she immediately had to find some way of making them moral bad guys. Even at the time I found this intensely funny.)

At any rate, the cops saw through her manipulativeness and wouldn't cooperate with her conversational tactics, and though they didn't think she was actually suicidal, they encouraged her to go to the hospital. She only agreed this after the ultimatum my husband gave her - "If you think you're going to kill yourself, we'll take you to the hospital. If you don't, we'll say goodnight and see you this weekend as planned." So she had us take her there, told the nurse she had a plan to do herself in, which means that the hospital then has the legal obligation to commit you involuntarily to a mental hospital for 72 hours. Cue manipulative rage attacks from mil. But off she went, and ended up enjoying all the attention there enough that she stayed for a week of her own choice.

We were summoned in at the end of that week for a "family meeting" with mil and a licensed social worker who mil apparently adored, and it took about 90 seconds for the meeting to turn into one of the most amazing poo-flinging demonstrations I've ever seen. After admitting that she hadn't planned to kill herself but was just sad that we weren't paying attention to her, mil told the social worker that her son had murdered his father (fil died of a heart attack the week before our wedding) by the sorrow and stress of marrying "that thing" (me) and that all her problems and her son's problems came from me brainwashing him so I could marry him for money. When the social worker interrupted with a gentle recall to facts, like how you can't actually murder someone by "making them sad" and that it was wrong to accuse anyone of this, mil called the social worker an inexperienced slut who would never amount to anything. At which point the social worker escorted my husband and me out of the room for our safety.


Anyway, long story short - since that day we haven't seen her. She signed herself out of the mental facility, drove herself home, and after a week of us refusing to see her unless it was in the presence of a pastor or a mental health professional, she decided to move halfway across the country to live with her sister. We had a period of several months full of short, to-the-point emails from DH explaining the conditions in which we would agree to attempt a relationship with her, and her refusing to entertain the thought of any of those conditions. She ended up moving back, aggressively attacking us via an e-mail campaign to our whole church (when I say attack, I mean threats severe and serious enough that we contacted police about it), and when that didn't get the results she wanted, she moved to another state to marry a man she met online. We have not had contact with her since.

That was a severe case, obviously.

I didn't ever call the cops about my own mom, because during the time she was actively telling me she was suicidal, I hadn't had the wake-up call about my own rights and power in the situation. As I got more healthy and boundaried regarding her, I was able to tell her things like "Mom, if you were depressed enough the other day that you thought you'd hurt yourself, you need to call your doctor or a suicide hotline. If you don't want to call, I will do it. If you really WEREN'T that depressed, then I am not going to listen to you say you were." After I did that a few times, I never heard anything about suicide from her again. And she didn't ever even attempt it, as far as I or anyone else knows.