Boundaries with other nonBPD family members

[Lam7615]

My mom has had BPD behaviors for as long as I can remember. My entire extended family has enabled her behavior for as long as it's been an issue.  I am almost 30 years old, have spent the last 10 years, 5 focused years, creating boundaries with my mom. The relationship has become tolerable. This is mostly because I do not engage with her BPD behaviors. 

Recently, my aunt and uncle have started to get very involved with my mom's behavior. This is mostly because my grandmother is my mom's biggest enabler and my mom takes advantage of her. They frequently call me outraged by her spending or demands. I no longer have the energy or time to be outraged by her behavior. Now I feel like I'm boundary setting with my aunt and uncle but they don't understand why I don't want to be involved in their drama.

[claudiaduffy]

Hi, Lam7615,

I feel you. My mom's whole family enabled her in one way or another until the day she died. Her brother, who is mostly healthy, was able to help her in a way that wasn't exactly enabling, but only because she didn't hold the emotional power over him that she always did over me. So he would sometimes ask me to help him help her in ways that were fine for him to help, but not okay for me to help (for example, giving her financial advice. There was no way for me to do that without putting myself in a dangerous place with her.) So I had to have boundaries with my uncle - I had to get to being able to tell him "I thank you for your care on this. I cannot do what you are asking me to, and I cannot explain fully why. But it is not a choice I am making out of anger. Thank you for respecting me in this matter."

Have you listened or read any of Brene Brown's work on boundaries? I'm just getting into her stuff, myself, and I found a couple of things in this video enormously helpful - especially the simple but profoundly meaningful assertion that "Boundaries are not division; they are respect." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ecb6ExBaW80

Do you feel that you can boundary-set in regards to your aunt and uncle without having to explain yourself completely?

[Kwamina]

Hi Lam7615

When one family-member has BPD, this often affects the entire family unit. Unfortunately this can mean also having to set firm boundaries with other family-members.

Do you think that your aunt and uncle are aware that your mother is disordered? They are outraged, but do you think they are aware that your mother's behavior likely stems from a disorder?