No they do not move on and get better

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone.

I talked to a friend the other day, she knows my ex pwBPDgf. We were talking about how my ex blamed me for all our problems and I was to blame for our relationship failing. Well according to my friend who is very honest and not BPD, my ex is failing miserably and not a bit happy with her life. She didn't change as others here and on other sites have indicated. She ran into another relationship and he rescued her from a serious illness, (hypochondriac) For those of you who wonder about their rebound, NO MINE DID NOT CHANGE! She got even worse. Hope this helps verify the myth they try to project on us.

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone.

I talked to a friend the other day, she knows my ex pwBPDgf. We were talking about how my ex blamed me for all our problems and I was to blame for our relationship failing. Well according to my friend who is very honest and not BPD, my ex is failing miserably and not a bit happy with her life. She didn't change as others here and on other sites have indicated. She ran into another relationship and he rescued her from a serious illness, (hypochondriac) For those of you who wonder about their rebound, NO MINE DID NOT CHANGE! She got even worse. Hope this helps verify the myth they try to project on us.

[JerryRG]

I asked my good friend why my exgf hated me, what did I do wrong? She said my ex just hated me and I didn't deserve it. She said that when I'm weak it made her stronger.

My advise to each of you, get as strong and as healthy as you can as quickly as you can. Hatred will consume whoever allowes it. I feel sorry for her and this gives me more closure. It was her damaged core and nothing personal toward me, I know she loved me as much as she could. She will continue to hate until the fuel is exhausted.

[hope2727]

Thank you so much. I really needed that tonight.

[JerryRG]

You're welcome hope2727, my family told me many times that once I started hanging out with my BPDex I started to change into someone they didn't recognize anymore.

The one thing I cannot afford is to be and feel like or act like her. I must not hate anyone.

I told my friend I felt like crying for my ex, she said, would she cry for you? I said that is and always has been the difference between us, I think I'm healing.

[paperlung]

My ex-girlfriend hasn't gotten any better since the day we broke up either, and that was three years ago. She has had soo many replacements since me.

[once removed]

ill put it this way:

through the grapevine, the first half year of my exes rebound relationship sounded just nuts. stuff that actually surprised me. on the other hand, their relationship lasted longer than mine, and i dont know any details beyond that first half year. my ex has since been single and is very happy working her dream job. that sounds better to me. having said that, i still wouldnt have her in my life and i have no regrets about the breakup.

do we move on and get better? it sounds like youre doing just that, JerryRG 

[Bigmd]

I would like to add I too spoke to a mutual friend of ours. I hadn't talked to her in a while because my exgf told me not to talk to her anymore. She texted me after Xmas and we talked for two hours. She basically told me my ex pulls the same crap with her. Starts arguments and stops talking. She said she ruined most of her friendships. I can believe it because she always bad mouthed her friends. As of the new year she was alone.

[steelwork]

I really don't know how my ex is doing. He seems to be in a stable relationship, though. I suspect (based on what happened between us, and things he said after we broke up) that he isn't making himself as open and vulnerable this time. So I don't know what to think about it.

He said, a few months into his new r/s, that he's "working on having more healthy relationships with people and things," and that he's "not good at healthy vulnerability." I guess it's possible that he's gotten good at healthy vulnerability over the past year, but it would be a lot to expect. If he opens up to her, the trauma feelings will return.

Upshot: I think he can only have a stable relationship if it isn't deep.

[gundam94]

I've gotten word that my ex is absolutely miserable. The universe continues to punish her. Since she pushed me away, I was her rock, the person that told her everything was going to be ok, I was basically her therapist. So she's lost me, then she lost her mother figure (the art teacher at the place we volunteer at. My ex has known her since my ex was 7. She's more of a mother to my ex then her actual mother), she quit. When she quit my ex lost the “peace of mind” that teacher gave her when my ex volunteered. My ex volunteered as a form of escape. With her mother figure gone, so is my ex's sanctuary. Then there are 2 girls we both love like little sisters. One of them figured out what my ex did to me and know absolutely despises my ex. The other girl is moving to Seattle in a few weeks because her mom got a job there. So in less than 2 months my ex has lost the (at least at one time they were) 3 most important people in her life. I've also heard that since Nick (the guy she had an emotional affair with) “confessed his undying love” for her, he has talked to her about other girls he has crushes on. Which has my ex going “but he confessed his undying love for me. What happened to that?”. So since she left me her life has gotten progressively worse, seemingly week by week. Some of my female friends have told me it sounds like my ex might be regretting her decision or realized she made a mistake. They said it's “you don't know what you had till its gone” thing.

[JerryRG]

Thanks everyone.

My ex lost the best guy she will ever find, I gave her more than I have anyone else in my life. I hope one day she realizes it, not going to worry if or when that day comes.

She has lost everything, her family is disgusted with her and have been for many years, up to her to seek the help she needs. I encouraged her every way I knew how, she made the choice to stay sick. I made the choice to keep walking into the future without her. Did all I could humanly do, need to work on myself now and get past the underlying codependency issues that allow me to sacrifice   my own best interests in life.

Things get better but it takes work and willingness to change.

I have changed, she is still her.

Thanks again

[JerryRG]

So agree with you gundam94

My ex has nothing but her BPD and misery, she is bent on losing everything, self sabatage has always been a problem for her. She's an unrecoverd drug addict so typical mindset, yep she's a mess.

She bragged one time about being a "beautiful mess", hmm she did get it partially correct.

Their loss for sure

[Bigmd]

Jerry sounds like you and I were the same guy in the same relationship. I tried to give mine everything . She would not have to worry about anything. I sent flowers for he hell of it. Loved her kids like my own. Was willing to sell my house to buy a bigger home for all of us. But she was a bottomless pit I could not fill. I'm not sure she will ever realize how good I was to her. I literally looked forward to everyday I would spend with her. She doesn't have any family here. She is Colombian and only talks to one brother . Does not have good relationship with her mom and won't talk to her other brother. I tried to help in both those departments but it often fell on deaf ears. Was gonna pay for a trip down there. But even that caused an argument. She often told me how she is a strong independent woman who does not need anyone. Always asking me to love her unconditionally. I now see why she needed to say those things.

[JerryRG]

I agree bigmd.

Gave her everything and just wanted her to be happy, I guess she is happy in her misery. So be it.

As soon as I was healthy enough to see our relationship as one sided, abusive and toxic I said goodbye. I would do anything for her, except die inside. She can go there without me because I choose to live a good, healthy, happy life.

Take care fellow travellers and I wish you all well in this day.

Thank you all for this site and caring support

[Conundrum]

All things change--though finding stories of systemic improvement on this board are few and far between. Which is only natural, because the proximate cause of our suffering is due to a commonality--the maladaptive relational behaviors of those who compelled us to seek solace among those whom may understand our experiential experiences--and loss

There is much suffering here. However, redemption, growth, and healing are afforded both non and disordered in equal opportunity. To transcend suffering whether caused by a disorder, or by other means--and heal, thereby finding balance and harmony within this one life--is a shared hope. For every person may be the author of their own salvation.

Yet, we learn through travail that it is impossible to be our loved one's agent of change. Neither the power of love, sheer will, nor appeal to reason or feeling will change those who do not seek to change themselves. And then we let go--and let things be.

I've known my pwBPD for ten-years. Yesterday was the anniversary of the day we met. She is diagnosed with BPD.

In February of 2013 she fell. Gave into the disorder. For two-and-one half years slamming meth, IV method of introduction. That drug with it's primal pull, (despite tweaker rationalizations), inevitably strips one of their humanity. Replacing it with a synthetic deity who preaches insatiable hunger and is worshipped by those whom have abdicated their essential beings to their dopamine master. When conjoined with BPD it is the most deranged cocktail conceived by some lunatic deity Consequently, she lost her job, credit, residence and car. Homeless, transient, repeated arrests for petty crimes.

From the periphery, I let her know that she was still family. That our bond of may years transcended her fall. But I could not save her, nor was that my obligation.

And then she reached her rock bottom, while seven months pregnant with her first child and warehoused in jail for 45 days. Within those cement walls, and with a new life growing within her--the desire for change took hold.

She is eight months clean and sober, having successfully completed a six month comprehensive residential rehab program. She is affiliated with a large array of social service networks, AA and attends weekly sessions through a certified Linehan DBT Behavioral Tech treatment provider which entails one hour individual and two hours of group therapy. She is providing exceptional care to her baby, and appears happy. There is a calmness and maturity in her demeanor/endeavors that exceed what was present before her fall.

All things change.   

[JerryRG]

Thank you conundrum for sharing.

My ex was very similar, after her divorce she lost her mind and stared her fall into drugs and reckless behaviour.

She was very suicidal when we met and I didn't want to sit back and do nothing. I confronted her and took her into mental health facility and she discharged and found a guy to live with and began her meth use. I stayed in contact and eventually influenced her to get help, she stayed in a treatment facility 2 weeks then moved in with me.

She attempted suicide twice in my apartment and each time I signed her into another mh facility. She would come home uneffected.

We got pregnant and all during the first phase of or relationship she was abusing opites. I was dumb about it, she crashed while 3 months pregnant and was legally committed to a 4 month program. Upon release she did not seek out further support.

She's since been on opites and behaved with strange behaviours again, associating with fellow addicts, etc.

I watched her closely but that failed before, trying to protect our son and her.

She abandoned our son 4 months ago do too lupus symptoms but we since found out this illness was all a lie.

She took our son back last week and I was EXTREMELY upset about it. So our stories are similar except yours has a better outcome, my ex is destroying herself and as you said I cannot do anything about it.

She has lost a lot of weight and many "in the know" addicts tell me she's using meth again.

The nightmare continues... .

[Conundrum]

I'm sorry to heat that Jerry. I hope there's a possibility that things will turn around and that sunnier days lie ahead.

[JerryRG]

Thanks conundrum

I'm taking care of myself and trusting God for better days, I latched on to my recovery and "relapsed" by going back to her. My sponsor warned me, if I end up in jail or worse he will not feel bad for me. My ex is my addiction but she is my kryptonite in that around her I slowly die. Strange how it took me years to understand and that is what influences my deepest fear, fear of her but fear of myself as well.

I'm not only grateful to be alive, I am florishing in recover.

I got into this mess and I'm growing stronger every day.

I also learned a powerful tool, what we say about ourselves does influence us immeasurable.

Whether you think you can or think you cannot, you are right