Am I the one that's insane?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I work with my exBPDgf, and have managed to go low contact with her for 2 months. Just as I'm beginning to find my bearings, and becoming the person I was before, she's slowly creeping back into my mind.

We've been working on a project together over the last week, and in a moment of weakness, I decided to go out with her for drinks Thursday after work. We mostly talked about work, and then she began to reminisce about the good times we had over our two month relationship. I realized it was a charm tactic, but still fell for it. We hugged it out at the end, and I could have probably slept with her that night, but decided against it. I got very little sleep, as all I could think about was her.

Today she was ultra friendly and charming, asking what I was doing this weekend. I told her I was pretty much free Sunday. She offered to cook me dinner, and I accepted. AS soon as I said yes, I noticed a smirk on her face ... .like got you again! we've broken up 4 times over going back to September 2015.

I'm still so tempted to go back, just for momentary bliss, knowing it could never work out. Here is a list of red flags I shouldn't be ignoring;

- Has admitted sleeping with many people including women

- Abuses Alcohol

- never takes responsibility

- Criticizes and demeans me

- Arrested for drug possession

- compulsive liar

- Has hit on her best friends boyfriend in front of me

- Triangulated me with people who I suspect she's slept with at work

- Told me she is to be loved unconditionally, and she will ALWAYS do what she wants

- Has already slandered me at work when we broke up


Why am I even considering this, am I going nuts? I need help to stay away.

I'm older then her by 14 years, and I suspect she wants me as a father figure, and someone she could use as a normalcy prop. Her family is well off, and her father keeps on bailing her out of debt. The first time we met, not knowing what she really was, I professed to wanting a family, and have been preparing for this my whole life. Her reaction was, have you been saving you're whole life?

I believe a future with her will involve me being a replacement for her dad. Providing for her (she constantly posts about dreaming of a millionaires life style complete with diamonds) In the mean time she will do what she pleases, including cheating on me.

[Rayban]

I work with my exBPDgf, and have managed to go low contact with her for 2 months. Just as I'm beginning to find my bearings, and becoming the person I was before, she's slowly creeping back into my mind.

We've been working on a project together over the last week, and in a moment of weakness, I decided to go out with her for drinks Thursday after work. We mostly talked about work, and then she began to reminisce about the good times we had over our two month relationship. I realized it was a charm tactic, but still fell for it. We hugged it out at the end, and I could have probably slept with her that night, but decided against it. I got very little sleep, as all I could think about was her.

Today she was ultra friendly and charming, asking what I was doing this weekend. I told her I was pretty much free Sunday. She offered to cook me dinner, and I accepted. AS soon as I said yes, I noticed a smirk on her face ... .like got you again! we've broken up 4 times over going back to September 2015.

I'm still so tempted to go back, just for momentary bliss, knowing it could never work out. Here is a list of red flags I shouldn't be ignoring;

- Has admitted sleeping with many people including women

- Abuses Alcohol

- never takes responsibility

- Criticizes and demeans me

- Arrested for drug possession

- compulsive liar

- Has hit on her best friends boyfriend in front of me

- Triangulated me with people who I suspect she's slept with at work

- Told me she is to be loved unconditionally, and she will ALWAYS do what she wants

- Has already slandered me at work when we broke up


Why am I even considering this, am I going nuts? I need help to stay away.

I'm older then her by 14 years, and I suspect she wants me as a father figure, and someone she could use as a normalcy prop. Her family is well off, and her father keeps on bailing her out of debt. The first time we met, not knowing what she really was, I professed to wanting a family, and have been preparing for this my whole life. Her reaction was, have you been saving you're whole life?

I believe a future with her will involve me being a replacement for her dad. Providing for her (she constantly posts about dreaming of a millionaires life style complete with diamonds) In the mean time she will do what she pleases, including cheating on me.

[Mutt]

Hi Rayban,



You're sharing true and honest feelings, I don't think that's insane. So you went out for drinks. Aside from the red flags, it sounds like you may have different values than your exBPDgf.

[Rayban]

Hi Rayban,



You're sharing true and honest feelings, I don't think that's insane. So you went out for drinks. Aside from the red flags, it sounds like you may have different values than your exBPDgf.

Thanks Mutt I appreciate it.

I'm just upset from letting my guard down. The thing thats sticks to my mind is that smirk ... .just reminded me of what a fool I was for feeling love for this person.

[peace74]

  Rayban.

I feel the same way.  Insane.  Like you I know intellectually why my BPD isn't good for me and can't work out but... .my   gets in the way.

You are on the right track by listing what the qualities are that she has that you can't tolerate.  I have to go through every single thing my ex did that was terrible to resist the urge to reach out.  I see him a few times a week because we have a child.  Plus answer the phone when he calls our child every day.  So hard.  So tempting sometimes!  Because I know in some capacity I could be with him.

It might be best to not hang out or be in contact with her.  That's my goal.  To try to cope and distance myself as much as I can until I am strong enough to not jump back in.  Hopefully in time my heart will match my head and yours will too.

I know if I knew about BPD and was better adjusted I would have run for the hills.  I married mine and wasted 8 years and have to co-parent a child with him forever.  We've been separated 2 years and it's still back and forth and pain.  I am still struggling to let go of this relationship.  Think about that. 

[Rayban]

Also forgot to mention that she changes jobs frequently, and casually mentioned that she's slept with her bosses (plural) before .

First night at her apartment woke up to a drawer full of condoms, and a shower complete with men's products.  I chose to ignore it. I guess when you're involved with a BPD stuff like that tends to become secondary.

She also causally mentioned that she had an abortion on a drive to a ski resort. She was 18 and engaged to an abusive ex. She mentioned how she couldn't wait to leave the family home, and how disappointed her mom was with her. I felt for her.

I know this is not the right person for me. I'm just hanging on to the hope that she would try to change for me Funny I would be willing to forget her past, if she would... I knoq that won't happen.

[adventurer]

That smirk - wow - I know just what you're talking about.  Sometimes you can see through everything and a small gesture or comment with cut to the heart of everything.  The reality of the situation will once again become clear.

This is an encouraging step - that you were able to see through this.  Also very good that you stopped yourself after drinks.  Better not to put yourself in situations like this any further.  You're going to cancel that dinner date, I hope?