mom and identical twin have BPD

[helpjenny]

Hi guys. My identical twin sister and my mom both have treatment resistant depression and BPD. It has been hell! A little more rhan a year and a half ago my sisters depression relapsed after more than three years of fantastic remission. Weve tried dozebs of meds, ect, tms, ketamine, to no avail. The only thing that worked slightly was suboxone but we just had to fire her doctor for unethical behavior ( he mixed meds together in a dangerous way, told her to masturbate to feel better, and told her she can only ever aspire to be a cashier). A few months ago psychological testing revealed that she has BPD. She lacks some traits-the turbulent relationships, self harm, risky and dangerous behavior-but she strongly has others-her emotions feel untolerable, rapid shifts to explosive anger, black and white thinking, fear of abandonment, difficulty tolerating negative emotions. I feel so frustrated cause I want to desperately have her get better and not be in suffering anymore but all the psychiatrists weve met have been absolute idiots in treating this.

My mom also has BPD and all during this same time she and my dad started to get a divorce. My mom is more of a classic case, she hits herself when distressed, lies constantly, is very manipulative, splitting, rocky relationships, suicidality, etc. Usually shes ok and pretty functional but occassionally with a trigger she flares up.

Im the main caregiver for both and it is exhausting having to constantly soothe them and talk to them and go with them to all their appts and fight with them over their twisted thts and behaviors. Im 22 years old, and since both refuse to see a therapist or do therapy until they find a med that works im left suffering. Since i myself am in recovery from panic disorder and agoraphobia, the stress overload of helping them keeps giving me relapses and affecting my recovery rate.

Please help me on how to handle them? Thankfully my sister has finally agreed to start going to therapy and the suboxone is helping a bit, but I need help setting boundaries and knowing how to talk to them and handle their behaviors when they act up. Thank u!

[Kwamina]

Hi helpjenny

You have a lot on your plate here. Dealing with two BPD family-members can be quite challenging. You are just 22 and also have your own issues to deal with. I do admire the fact that you care for them and are trying to help them. Being mindful of your own well-being is very important too of course as you also recognize yourself, hence your reaching out here.

Tests revealed your sister has BPD. Has your mother also been officially diagnosed?

Do you feel like your mother and sister truly acknowledge the seriousness of their issues? Do you think they understand how much their behavior affects you?

Please help me on how to handle them? Thankfully my sister has finally agreed to start going to therapy and the suboxone is helping a bit, but I need help setting boundaries and knowing how to talk to them and handle their behaviors when they act up. Thank u!

You mention two very important things here: boundaries and communication. When dealing with someone with BPD, boundaries are indeed very important to protect our own-well being. We cannot change our BPD family-members if they don't want to, but we can change how we respond to them. We have some information here about boundaries that you might find helpful:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Examples of boundaries

An important thing to remember about boundaries is that it's not just about setting them, but also about enforcing/defending them.

We also describe several communication techniques on this site that can be very helpful when communicating with someone who has BPD. I have selected two of them:

S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident, Negotiate

To help you get started here I suggest you take a look at these resources I've mentioned.

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