I think I may break down and reply-please help

[Penelope35]

It's my birthday today. My story is here in case somebody wants to read it https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=291224.0

I knew it would be a difficult day and it is... .I had been thinking for days whether or not I should reply to a happy birthday wish from him and I couldn't make up my mind. But I did. I replied with a thank you. But as I had guessed he continued with more messages telling me that he misses me, loves me and all. And now I am dying to tell him I miss him too... .It's been a month of no contact today. I miss him terribly but I shouldn't. He broke my heart in a million pieces. I don't know what to do... . 

[FannyB]

Hi Penelope

It's no wonder you feel torn when he that you love most seems hell-bent on your emotional destruction. 

If give him the courtesy of a reply then he's likely to keep pushing until you cave in. If you really don't want that to happen NC would appear to be the only option unless you feel mentally strong enough to continue your exchanges with him without capitulating.

If you feel that you really have to respond then something along the lines of 'it's been a tough time for both of us - but I'm sure we'll emerge stronger for it' would suffice. Then turn off your phone pronto!


Fanny

[Penelope35]

Thank you for the reply Fanny. What's holding me from not responding is that I know I still don't feel strong enough. If I open a way of communication with him again, which I kind of did with the thank you, I am afraid I will fall back to the place I was a month ago. This, and the fact that he doesn't deserve to know I still love him and miss him. He really doesn't. I love him and think about him all day every day but I just can't digest all that has happened.

I am probably going to spend all day debating with myself about replying or not... .oh this is so hard!

[FannyB]

Thank you for the reply Fanny. What's holding me from not responding is that I know I still don't feel strong enough. If I open a way of communication with him again, which I kind of did with the thank you, I am afraid I will fall back to the place I was a month ago. This, and the fact that he doesn't deserve to know I still love him and miss him. He really doesn't. I love him and think about him all day every day but I just can't digest all that has happened.

I am probably going to spend all day debating with myself about replying or not... .oh this is so hard!

I think you've answered your own question my lovely - you can't safely re-engage him. 

Go out and do something you enjoy and find a positive distraction to take your mind off him - otherwise I fear you will be taking a peep into Pandora's box, and in the borderline version not even hope remains.


Fanny

[jhkbuzz]

I went and read your story and so much of it resonated with me... .the emotional abuse that is inherent in BPD r/s's (even though it's the outcome of the chaos of the disorder and isn't usually purposeful), the chronic lying... .and especially the words that  that are so breathtaking and beautiful that they touch our hearts and lead us to believe that we have found "the one". I'm so sorry for the pain you're in right now. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

There are many lessons on this board, and I thought of this one after I read your post - it's about the 10 beliefs that can keep you "stuck" in a BPD r/s:

6) Clinging to the words that were said

We often cling to the positive words and promises that were voiced and ignore or minimalize the negative actions. “But she said she would love me forever” Many wonderful and expressive things may have been said during the course of the relationship, but people suffering with BPD traits are dreamers, they can be fickle, and they over-express emotions like young children – often with little thought for long term implications. You must let go of the words. It may break your heart to do so. But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

But the fact is, the actions - all of them - are the truth.

For some reason, it took me a loong time to fully recognize that my ex's words and actions rarely aligned. The longer and harder I looked at that, the more I realized I could never go back. Even though I missed her. Even though there were things about her that I loved. Even though I recognized that she had mental health issues that weren't her fault. Going back would be akin to abusing myself.

[Penelope35]

I think you've answered your own question my lovely - you can't safely re-engage him. 

Go out and do something you enjoy and find a positive distraction to take your mind off him - otherwise I fear you will be taking a peep into Pandora's box, and in the borderline version not even hope remains.


Fanny

I know... .I just wish my heart would catch up... .It's a good thing I have things planned for today. And a good circle of friends who won't allow for me to be alone on this day. Thank you Fanny

[C.Stein]

I know... .I just wish my heart would catch up... .It's a good thing I have things planned for today. And a good circle of friends who won't allow for me to be alone on this day. Thank you Fanny

Your heart will catch up eventually.  It is great you have a good circle of friends.  Enjoy your birthday with people who actually care for your well being.   This can be the present you give yourself. 

[Penelope35]

Ηι jhkbuzz. I have read this article before but thanks for reminding me. I do understand how this relationship and break up worked/works on me and in theory I agree with everything that says you need to let go but obviously the human brain has this flaw of remembering only the good stuff... .It is almost like I need to constantly remind my self of everything that has happened and of the reasons why I shouldn't want to be with him.

His actions rarely aligned with his words and I can't forgive my self for holding onto hope for so long. It's bad... .and sad that I never got angry with him and I am still struggling to not tell him how I feel... .

Thank you and I am sorry for what you also had to go through. I hope you are in a better place than I am

[Penelope35]

Your heart will catch up eventually.  It is great you have a good circle of friends.  Enjoy your birthday with people who actually care for your well being.   This can be the present you give yourself. 

Thank you C.Stein. It's hard to grasp that he doesn't really care for my well being. But it's the truth, because if he did he would have stopped at the happy birthday wish.

[jhkbuzz]

Ηι jhkbuzz. I have read this article before but thanks for reminding me. I do understand how this relationship and break up worked/works on me and in theory I agree with everything that says you need to let go but obviously the human brain has this flaw of remembering only the good stuff... .It is almost like I need to constantly remind my self of everything that has happened and of the reasons why I shouldn't want to be with him.

His actions rarely aligned with his words and I can't forgive my self for holding onto hope for so long. It's bad... .and sad that I never got angry with him and I am still struggling to not tell him how I feel... .

Thank you and I am sorry for what you also had to go through. I hope you are in a better place than I am

Thank you - I'm about a year and a half post b/u and I'm in a much, much better place.

"The human brain has a flaw of remembering only the good stuff... ."

It took me time to resolve that. It was like I divided her into two people... .the "good her" (who was utterly wonderful and amazing) and the "bad her" (who was an emotionally abusive liar and cheater). And I couldn't seem hold both images of her in my brain at once, so I would swing between depression ("I miss her!" and anger ("I hate her!"

It took me a long time to "connect" my brain and my heart, and integrate the reality that someone who is so wonderful in some ways can be so god-awful in other ways. But somehow, it was true. I'm finally able to view her wholistically - that such good and awful can be wrapped up in a single person.

For a long time I was hung up on the beginning of our r/s. It was so amazing and I felt so loved. Was any of it genuine? Was there any way to get back to that "state"? I do believe she loved me. But I've come to understand that the entire r/s was dysfunctional - even the wonderful parts at the beginning. I read a quote recently that really sums it up:

"BPD is not an illness. There is no 'healthy' part of the person plus BPD part. Their personality is disordered. Complete personality. It is not like mental illness that you can isolate with medication so that healthy part of the personality can 'come out'.

All the good stuff (mostly idealization) and all the bad stuff (mostly devaluation) is under the influence of the disorder. Stop looking at her in this perspective (great part plus BPD). It is not true and it will make you unable to detach."

I found a therapist as my r/s was ending and it has been invaluable to my healing. My therapist helped me process the b/u (which was like none other I've ever experienced) and has also helped me address some very old wounds in me that have needed healing. Are you seeing anyone?

[jessedsickabouther]

Mine doesn't even seem to care at all so I guess it all depends on how you look at. I still can't stop thinking about her to the point where I'm going to start believing that this stuff isn't real

[jhkbuzz]

Mine doesn't even seem to care at all so I guess it all depends on how you look at. I still can't stop thinking about her to the point where I'm going to start believing that this stuff isn't real

My ex was very good at dissociating and shutting down her emotions when she became overwhelmed. In the "lingo" of psychology, this is called the "detached protector." Emotions that threaten to overwhelm are turned off. When someone is in this mode they appear utterly cold and completely uncaring. In truth it's the exact opposite - their emotions are so off the charts that they completely shut down.

Very sad for them, but also utterly heartbreaking for the people who love them.

[Penelope35]

Jhkbuzz I read that quote recently in a post and I liked the explanation so much that I even screen shotted it so that I could read it again when I needed. Maybe it was in one of your posts.

Yes this seems to be my problem too. I honestly can't comprehend how this same man who at times made me feel so special and the happiest I had ever been, could also bring me so much unhappiness and hurt. But you are right. The happy parts were also dysfunctional and although I had recognised that from the beginning I couldn't bring my self to the ground.

Some days I am more in peace with things because I manage to be more in terms and accepting of how BPD works with people. But some others it's just TOO MUCH AND TOO HEAVY. Like today.

I am seeing a therapist but sometimes I get the feeling that she doesn't really understand BPD. Yesterday I left her office more upset than I was when I went and had to come in the forum and read to put my thoughts in order again. This page has been invaluable. I hope I manage to go through this day without responding.

[Penelope35]

Mine doesn't even seem to care at all so I guess it all depends on how you look at. I still can't stop thinking about her to the point where I'm going to start believing that this stuff isn't real

My ex was very good at dissociating and shutting down her emotions when she became overwhelmed. In the "lingo" of psychology, this is called the "detached protector." Emotions that threaten to overwhelm are turned off. When someone is in this mode they appear utterly cold and completely uncaring. In truth it's the exact opposite - their emotions are so off the charts that they completely shut down.

Very sad for them, but also utterly heartbreaking for the people who love them.

From reading other people's posts I came to the undertanding that it is equally hurtful whether they keep contact or not. The fact is that whatever the case is, it is on us to detach and realise that the relationship is over and that we don't need or deserve it.

[JQ]

Good Morning & Happy Birthday Penelope!   

I know what you're going through is hard ... .even harder giving what today is. In a very short thread you have received some amazing guidance & counsel here from people who know what you're going through. Everyone takes a step backwards on their journey ... .you are no different.  You just happen to take your step backwards on your birthday ... .some do it on Christmas, New Years or some other holiday ... .but each of us on our own journey has done it. 

Everyone here has held up a hand to help you up ... .and now you need to take the next step ... .and you have plans to do that with your friends taking you out and spending time with you today and this weekend. Fanny gave you some guidance to go back to complete NC ... .but you said you don't feel strong enough. YOU are strong enough & ONLY YOU can do it!   No matter what guidance, support we give you ... .the final choice HAS been and will ALWAYS be YOURS to make!  DO NOT allow him to control YOU and YOUR actions!  YOU are the master of your own destiny!   

We all have our moments of weakness when it comes to our exBPD s/o ... .we're human     As you point out, our brain only wants to remember the good times ... .it's because as NONs & codependents we want to remain forever positive!  It's a behavior we have learned growing up ... .we look at the glass as 1/2 full.  But the BPD s/o comes over and knocks the glass over and empty's it out constantly ... .because they want ... .they NEED to be in control of our relationship ... .they NEED to be in control of US the NON.  I know just how hard it is ... .I really do ... .but as someone else pointed out ... .it's going to get better. YOU made it a whole month with NC ... .it just so happens that your birthday fell on this day to get your 30 NC coin, "AA coin for sober"     So you get your NC coin ... .but today ... .TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!  I think someone already said that ... .maybe they made a movie out of it ... .or a song ... .maybe I should ... .    You have to keep some humor too. 

I've said to more then one person in these forums ... .30 days makes a habit and I'm sure you've read those. 30 days of eating healthy, you start to feel better, loose weight and you start to loose the craving for that piece of chocolate cake ... .30 days of exercise, your body becomes harder, you loose some weight, and you actually begin to want to get up to go for that run ... .go to the gym and work out.  BUUT  you know that everyone who starts to eat healthy will eventually eat a piece of candy ... .that piece of chocolate cake you find at the store ... .you know that someone working out for 30 days has a slack day and sleeps in. 

IN that moment of weakness those people learn something about themselves ... .they are human & have moments of weakness and cave into that big piece of double fudge chocolate cake, "yes it was me   "  but you feel so bad afterwards ... .you go eat a salad ... .those who take a slack day and feel bad ... .so they add an extra mile to your run.  The point is ... .they start over ... .they get back on the bike they fell off of.  So you must get back on your NC bike and start your ride again.

Fanny makes a great point here ... ."I think you've answered your own question my lovely - you can't safely re-engage him.    "   I would agree with her.  I have a question for you ... .why have you not blocked his phone number & then deleted it?   If you block & delete the number ... .it is a tool to help you in your moments of weakness not to reach out when you've had to many Birthday cocktails & you drunk dial him ... .it's NOT us doing it ... .it's YOU taking an active role in your OWN recovery ... .it's YOU remaining in control of YOUR life! It's YOU standing up for yourself saying ... .NO ... .I won't be the subject to your emotional, physical & mental abuse!

So ... .take control of YOUR life back ... .because at the moment he still has a hold on it ... .block & delete his humber ... .only good can come from this!       

NOOW ... .go out and have an awesome day for your  exiting birth canal celebration!     And because it's your exit birth canal day ... .have that piece of DOUBLE FUDGE CHOCOLATE piece of cake ... .hell have 2!  Then add 2 miles to your run / walk tomorrow! 

Have an great day Penelope!

J

[steelwork]

JQ is the best life coach. Can you write a book of daily affirmations in MULTICOLOR FONTS with lots of ?

Serious, though, I get a burst of energy every time you post, and a burning desire to see the sunrise!

Penelope35, happy birthday! I remember on my last birthday wondering if I would hear from him. I didn't. That made me sad at the time, but now I see it was, perhaps unintentionally, a kindness.

[jhkbuzz]

Boy oh boy don't I know the "TOO MUCH AND TOO HEAVY" feeling.    I promise you it gets better with time.

My therapist has treated people with BPD, and her validation was INVALUABLE to my healing. I had already figured out a lot on my own, but she listened to me and helped me with some final "puzzle pieces" that helped me put everything to rest. I don't want to suggest that you look for another therapist - but I do know that finding a therapist who was familiar with BPD, DID, etc., greatly helped my healing process.

For what it's worth, here's one of those insights.

About a year before we broke up, I became aware that my ex cycled through a "cast of characters." A little girl, an impulsive teen, an adult, a prepubescent boy... .I don't know how I failed to recognize it for so long (8 year r/s), but I did. One could take the lead for a short time or for months. I started reading about Dissociative Identity Disorder, but some of the puzzle pieces didn't fit. It didn't seem as though she had full blown DID, although something was clearly very wrong. I later learned that dissociative disorders are on a spectrum, and DID is at the severe end of the spectrum. She was undeniably dissociative, and I could usually figure out who as in the "lead" since each one had a different affect - but labeling her ":)ID" made me uncomfortable because not all the symptomology fit - and because I'm not a psychologist! Her own therapist eventually labeled this cast of characters as her "parts of self."

Right before we broke up I stumbled across this website and read about how r/s's progress with a person with BPD - and I almost fell on the floor. It was as if someone had peered into my life and wrote the story of my r/s - to a "t". But I couldn't figure out how the BPD fit with the "cast of characters." It made my head spin endlessly, until I was talking to my therapist one day and she simply said, "You know, it's not unusual for only one "part of self" to have BPD." I could almost hear the puzzle pieces clicking into place.

The "teenager" was the one with BPD - and this is who I met. Impulsive, boundary-less, sexual, prone to excessive "fantasy thinking" - this is who idealized me. (Why I responded to this is what I'm digging though in therapy!) Once we moved in together, the little girl appeared. She was anxious, clingy, preoccupied with feeling safe - and I was certain that she would never, ever leave me. Fast forward a few years later when we were having parenting disagreements over my stepdaughter (trust me, it's impossible to co-parent with an adult who's acting like a 5 year old little girl) - and **poof** - the teenager was back. But this time, the teenager was angry, avoidant, and began lying and cheating.

Understanding that this "teenage" part of self had BPD and was engaging in behaviors that I would have NEVER thought possible from her little girl (or adult) part of self helped me make sense of everything that was happening.

What a story, huh? It took me about a year to make sense of it all with my therapist's help.

[Penelope35]

I appreciate your all's responses so much! And thank you for your wishes!

JQ I agree with steelwork that maybe you should write a book of affirmations! Some days I feel like doing all of the things you are also suggesting and then some others I just want to be alone and cry my heart out.

I know I should block him but I don't seem to be able to bring my self to do it. I have blocked him on social media but not on my phone. I just have his texts going to a spam folder and I check it whenever I feel I want to. And today of course was the first thing I did when I woke up in the morning. It's like I have a constant internal battle about it. A part of me is thinking how much more does somebody have to hurt me before I get angry enough and decide to shut the door and keep the out forever. Sometimes I am thinking how can I still love and care for this person? I feel stupid for having feelings for him. Why did I even had to say thank you for the birthday wishes today? I didn't own him a thank you. He actually doesn't deserve anything more from me. And then another side of me focuses on the lovely side of him and the unforgettable feelings he gave me and makes me miss him SO SO terribly. It's crazy... .

Steelwork, I was expecting a message from him but I was wishing I didn't get one. Because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold my self from replying with at least a thank you and this only brings back that strong attatchment I feel for him. And the messages that followed bring me to my knees because all I want to do is reply but I know it will take me to a much worse place. As hard as it is to admit, there is no future with this person. I wish there was but there isn't  :'(

[WoundedBibi]

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Penelopethirtyfihive... ., happy birthday to you!

(time zone confused so not sure but hoping my beautiful   song is still in time)

[Penelope35]

Boy oh boy don't I know the "TOO MUCH AND TOO HEAVY" feeling.    I promise you it gets better with time.

My therapist has treated people with BPD, and her validation was INVALUABLE to my healing. I had already figured out a lot on my own, but she listened to me and helped me with some final "puzzle pieces" that helped me put everything to rest. I don't want to suggest that you look for another therapist - but I do know that finding a therapist who was familiar with BPD, DID, etc., greatly helped my healing process.

For what it's worth, here's one of those insights.

About a year before we broke up, I became aware that my ex cycled through a "cast of characters." A little girl, an impulsive teen, an adult, a prepubescent boy... .I don't know how I failed to recognize it for so long (8 year r/s), but I did. One could take the lead for a short time or for months. I started reading about Dissociative Identity Disorder, but some of the puzzle pieces didn't fit. It didn't seem as though she had full blown DID, although something was clearly very wrong. I later learned that dissociative disorders are on a spectrum, and DID is at the severe end of the spectrum. She was undeniably dissociative, and I could usually figure out who as in the "lead" since each one had a different affect - but labeling her ":)ID" made me uncomfortable because not all the symptomology fit - and because I'm not a psychologist! Her own therapist eventually labeled this cast of characters as her "parts of self."

Right before we broke up I stumbled across this website and read about how r/s's progress with a person with BPD - and I almost fell on the floor. It was as if someone had peered into my life and wrote the story of my r/s - to a "t". But I couldn't figure out how the BPD fit with the "cast of characters." It made my head spin endlessly, until I was talking to my therapist one day and she simply said, "You know, it's not unusual for only one "part of self" to have BPD." I could almost hear the puzzle pieces clicking into place.

The "teenager" was the one with BPD - and this is who I met. Impulsive, boundary-less, sexual, prone to excessive "fantasy thinking" - this is who idealized me. (Why I responded to this is what I'm digging though in therapy!) Once we moved in together, the little girl appeared. She was anxious, clingy, preoccupied with feeling safe - and I was certain that she would never, ever leave me. Fast forward a few years later when we were having parenting disagreements over my stepdaughter (trust me, it's impossible to co-parent with an adult who's acting like a 5 year old little girl) - and **poof** - the teenager was back. But this time, the teenager was angry, avoidant, and began lying and cheating.

Understanding that this "teenage" part of self had BPD and was engaging in behaviors that I would have NEVER thought possible from her little girl (or adult) part of self helped me make sense of everything that was happening.

What a story, huh? It took me about a year to make sense of it all with my therapist's help.

Jhkbuzz what a story indeed! And 8 years relationship? Sometimes I feel bad for whining in this forum for a 9 month relationship when others have spent so much time in their own relationships. But to be honest I think I would be the same mess even if it was a two month relationship. It was addictive. 

Thank you for sharing your story and your insights. I am happy for you that you have detached. It gives me hope too!

[Penelope35]

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Penelopethirtyfihive... ., happy birthday to you!

(time zone confused so not sure but hoping my beautiful   song is still in time)

Thank you very much WB! Yes it's still my birthday!

[Caley]

Hello Penelope,

Happy Birthday for the other day.

I understand, perhaps at a differing level, how tense your situation is. I hope these words help.

A narcissistically defended man or woman will see your attempt of NC as a challenge. The very idea that you have the strength to discard him/her and the poor shoddy treatment of you, in favour of the deluded belief that he/she is the centre of not only his/her universe but the central attention of yours is his aim. You rejected him and he'll disguise this crippling feeling with illusions of love for you.

In order to defeat your attempt at NC, which is an affront to his/her existence, he is driven to breach your defences to reinstate himself as your only reason to live (the provision of your love and adoration) he/she will dispatch a whole range of emotionally manipulative tactics. Not because he loves you but because he feeds off the idea that you cannot live without him. DO NOT BE FOOLED.

You've seen and experienced many of these behaviours throughout your experience with him. Did any of them make you feel like you were important to him other than to be his play thing when and wherever he dictated.

Stand your ground ... keep your walls up and don't let him back in. EVER.

He will be forced to find someone else to provide him with the fuel he feels he's entitled to. And you, beautiful woman, will be free to heal, live and love again ... with a man who is capable of real love and is emotionally available to you.

Be strong lady, be strong. x

[Penelope35]

Hi Caley

thank you for the wishes and for replying. I managed to not respond to his messages but I have to say I felt like I was in a battle. It's amazing how even one message from him sucks me back in so badly.

There are so many harsh realities to face and process and deal with when in a relationship with a person with BPD, that it's devastating to me sometimes. Like the fact that his actions are driven by his needs, that he knows but doesn't care what his messages to do me, that at the same time he may be getting his "supply" from other sources too... .

The only thought that comforts me sometimes is that he is not intentionally hurting me... .

[Caley]

... .he knows but doesn't care what his messages to do me, that at the same time he may be getting his "supply" from other sources too... .

The only thought that comforts me sometimes is that he is not intentionally hurting me... .

I hope you don't mind me pointing out a little denial here and that you are still finding ways to excuse him for his poor behaviour Penelope.

He does know he is hurting you, and he has many supply lines (ones that you're not aware of and the ones he'll be grooming). That fact that you have begun to show some strength, by denying him access to you, he will take as you trying to show him that you are stronger than him and able to reject him. When he manages to wheedle his way back in, he'll love bomb you, and when he feels the time is right to exact his revenge on you for rejecting him, he'll drop you from an even greater height than he did before.

As a side point ... please remember that many BPD/NPD's are sexually promiscuous ... and they don't care about your sexual health. This being the case, in terms of the widespread, by falling for his superficial and meaningless declarations of 'I have only ever wanted you' and then sleeping with him ... opens you up to the possibility of contracting a plethora of nasties passed around by 'the other supplies'.

Each second, minute, hour, day, week etc., that you maintain NC will bring you renewed strength ... you will be taking away the power over you that you gave to him (naively) and he'll lose his grip on you.

He's a cad and a bounder as Terry Thomas would say.

You cannot dance with the devil and then ask why you're still in hell.

You're stronger than you know ... lock the door and weld it up.

Best wishes. x

[jhkbuzz]

... .he knows but doesn't care what his messages to do me, that at the same time he may be getting his "supply" from other sources too... .

The only thought that comforts me sometimes is that he is not intentionally hurting me... .

I hope you don't mind me pointing out a little denial here and that you are still finding ways to excuse him for his poor behaviour Penelope.

He does know he is hurting you, and he has many supply lines (ones that you're not aware of and the ones he'll be grooming). That fact that you have begun to show some strength, by denying him access to you, he will take as you trying to show him that you are stronger than him and able to reject him. When he manages to wheedle his way back in, he'll love bomb you, and when he feels the time is right to exact his revenge on you for rejecting him, he'll drop you from an even greater height than he did before.

As a side point ... please remember that many BPD/NPD's are sexually promiscuous ... and they don't care about your sexual health. This being the case, in terms of the widespread, by falling for his superficial and meaningless declarations of 'I have only ever wanted you' and then sleeping with him ... opens you up to the possibility of contracting a plethora of nasties passed around by 'the other supplies'.

Each second, minute, hour, day, week etc., that you maintain NC will bring you renewed strength ... you will be taking away the power over you that you gave to him (naively) and he'll lose his grip on you.

He's a cad and a bounder as Terry Thomas would say.

You cannot dance with the devil and then ask why you're still in hell.

You're stronger than you know ... lock the door and weld it up.

Best wishes. x

People with NPD are very different than people with BPD.  Although you may end up feeling "used" by either, the "intentionality" is typically absent with BPD.

[Caley]

People with NPD are very different than people with BPD.  Although you may end up feeling "used" by either, the "intentionality" is typically absent with BPD.


When the two often share co-morbidity, then it would be difficult to prove 'intentionality'.

I respect your opinion @jhk and you have your own source and experience to draw from. I feel however, that in this particular story there are more examples of narcissistic traits than 'pure' borderline (if there can be such a diagnosis). Dr Shari Shreiber's theory and belief is that BPD is an umbrella under which other disorders are present. So, it may not be possible to separate the two with defining lines.

[Penelope35]

I don't know... .I may still be in denial but right now I honestly don't feel like he was intentionally hurting me. I mean, he is not cognitively challenged or something so I am sure he knew all along that his actions were hurting me and that I would be devastated when I found out about his marital status and all, but my feeling is that he couldn't always control his actions and way of thinking. This is not an excuse of course but it's more like an explanation for my self given my experience with him. I saw him struggling too. I don't know... .I just don't feel he was out to play and hurt someone and it happened to be me. I do believe his feelings were real when they were expresssed but I have accepted that they were real in the context of BPD. But then again, I may be in a total denial... .

[troisette]

Hi Penelope

Hope you were able to enjoy your birthday and that the tsunami of emotions is abating. Anniversaries and holidays bring emotions to the surface. Oy vey.

Last December I was no contact for about 7 weeks, it was hard. Christmas approaching, lots of emotions around but I was determined to maintain no contact. In the first week of December he put a pendant through my letterbox, it was something I thought I'd lost at his house - before we broke up he said he couldn't find it. It was with a brief, formal note and a formal Christmas card. It threw me into a tizz. He said he'd found it under the mattress.

I didn't know how to interpret this; the formality of the note, put through the door, found under the mattress  

I came on this board for advice. My instinct was to write a brief note of thanks. He's a clever bloke, and a control freak, would never approach me overtly. So I didn't know whether this was an attempt to reconnect or, what it appeared at face value. Advice here was to not contact him and I didn't, although it felt ill mannered. (And to be honest, it gave me a wonderful excuse to break no contact - I had mixed emotions about this - head v heart.)

I'm now six months no contact and I'm very, very, very glad I didn't contact him. That doesn't mean I don't ruminate but it gets better with the perspective of distance. Your contact from him was alongside the heightened emotions of your birthday, when you would be vulnerable. Congratulate yourself for being strong, for riding the tsunami and moving forward in no contact. Look at it as a test, passed with flying colours. Well done you and here's to a new chapter in your life!

[Penelope35]

Thank you for your kind words and for sharing you experience troisette.  I managed to not respond any further but I still feel unsettled with it all. I hate it that I have to ignore his messages and I hate HOW HARD it is to do that. Sometimes I am so close to giving up!

[troisette]

I also didn't like ignoring the contact I received Penelope. And it's perfectly normal to feel unsettled at this early stage. Keep on keeping on, one day at a time and it will gradually get better. Don't give up and don't break no contact.

No contact is for us, for our wounds to heal, for us to gain knowledge of what we were dealing with and perspective of ourselves as well as them. Breaking no contact puts you back at ground zero, you have start all over again. Not tempting... .