elderly NPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother was diagnosed with NPD. I feel nothing for her (no, that's not true. I can't stand her). When I was young, she raged and manipulated and didn't respect any boundaries -- in fact I didn't even realize what boundaries were until recently. Now she is old, sick, selfish and irritating. She used to call me in the middle of the night to take her to the hospital, because she would have a cold or the flu and worry it was pneumonia (also I think she was lonely, bored and wanted a little attention). I did that out of a misplaced sense of obligation and guilt until I actually came down with hospital-acquired antibiotic resistant pneumonia! Anyway, last night I drove out to pick up a prescription. Then she went to the hospital because of a swollen arm. I did not offer to meet her there. Today, I drove over there to visit. She wants me to come tomorrow to make her lunch. Yes, she needs help. But even this is too much contact for me. Out of guilt and obligation, I usually see her once a week and bring a child with me as a buffer. That's about all I can do.

What should I do? I have no idea how people normally feel toward their mothers.

[Narkiss]

My mother was diagnosed with NPD. I feel nothing for her (no, that's not true. I can't stand her). When I was young, she raged and manipulated and didn't respect any boundaries -- in fact I didn't even realize what boundaries were until recently. Now she is old, sick, selfish and irritating. She used to call me in the middle of the night to take her to the hospital, because she would have a cold or the flu and worry it was pneumonia (also I think she was lonely, bored and wanted a little attention). I did that out of a misplaced sense of obligation and guilt until I actually came down with hospital-acquired antibiotic resistant pneumonia! Anyway, last night I drove out to pick up a prescription. Then she went to the hospital because of a swollen arm. I did not offer to meet her there. Today, I drove over there to visit. She wants me to come tomorrow to make her lunch. Yes, she needs help. But even this is too much contact for me. Out of guilt and obligation, I usually see her once a week and bring a child with me as a buffer. That's about all I can do.

What should I do? I have no idea how people normally feel toward their mothers.

[Kwamina]

Hi Narkis

NPD is a difficult disorder and it can really be very hard when you have a mother with NPD. After all you've experienced with her I think it makes sense that even little things she says or does could trigger you. When you have an abusive parent, I think it is a normal reaction to want to distance and protect yourself from that abuse.

You usually see her once a week. How long do those visits usually last and how does your mother behave when you're there?

You bring a child along as a sort of buffer, how does your mother treat your children?

[Narkiss]

They last about an hour or so. We go out for dinner. She talks to the kids or tries to. Mainly she just chatters about people she knows, her health issues and what she is eating. It is a basically a one sided monologue. At some point, she will ask me how I am doing and I will say fine and then she will continue talking.

[Kwamina]

Those visits with your mom indeed sound like a rather one-sided affair. It's sad and unfortunate that she doesn't show more interest in how you are doing.

How are things now Narkiss? Did you end up going to your mother to make her lunch?

You mention that your mother has been diagnosed with NPD. When did she get that diagnosis and what led up to her being diagnosed? Did she ever get any kind of targeted therapy for her NPD perhaps?

Do you feel that your mother acknowledges and understands her NPD diagnosis?

[Narkiss]

No, but I dropped off food yesterday, and have stopped by there several other times this week. She got the diagnosis about 15 years ago, after my father died (she couldn't accept the fact that he had cancer so she never told him what was going on and swore the doctors to silence. I gave into her and didn't tell him, which I regret). She began seeing a therapist. She rejected the diagnosis and stopped seeing the therapist. She utterly does not see it. She has cut off friends over a perceived slight and has lost friends because of her self absorption, effectively isolating herself from others who could give her help, friendship and support. When she was young, she was considered very beautiful, and she is still charming. She's not really capable of being interested in other people -- except if what they say is particularly interesting to her or reflects well on her. When I spend any amount of time with her, I feel like I have no self and also this tremendous pressure to get away.