4 weeks after the break-up - so confused

[Isa_lala]

Last night I let myself get caught in an endless and useless exchange of text message with my ex... .That is when I fully understand how NC can be the only way to heal... .So upsetting

Isa_lala do you acknowledge your role in this? 

I surely do... .It is how I slowly learn about setting up my boundaries for my own wellbeing.

When I saw that the next morning, my ex-bf started again this kind of exchange of text messages, I blocked his phone number so I haven't received any other texts from him.

Yes we have exchanged some emails afterward, but that is less hurting me because I don't tend to check my email as often I do with my text messages and I only answer when I want.

We spoke on the phone today and I remained strong. He wants us to be all together tomorrow with our 2 kids and I am ok for a couple of hours because of my son who is very willing to see his "half brother"

My ex wants us to have dinner at my place and stay over with his son and I said no. I am ok for a couple of hours in the morning but that's it.

He is still trying to manipulate me , to make me feel guilty but it doesn't work anymore. I think about me, about what I want and I stick with it. If I don't feel doing something I don't do it.

This is my mantra these days.

[fromheeltoheal]

He is still trying to manipulate me , to make me feel guilty but it doesn't work anymore. I think about me, about what I want and I stick with it. If I don't feel doing something I don't do it.

This is my mantra these days.

Nice!

[WoundedBibi]

Be careful tomorrow.

As it is Easter it might be difficult to find someone to be there too as sort of a lightning conductor. But maybe you can hang around the children so he has less opportunity to love bomb or manipulate you.

If it gets too difficult don't hesitate to send him away. You don't have to be nice or think about his feelings.  

[Lexisdad]

This is my first Easter without my BPD exgf and her family who i adored in my life. What gets me thru my days now that i'm strict nc. Every day i tell myself each day that you spend not being told you are a piece of s--t, sc-mbag, and every other name you were called for simply sharing the same air i breathed you will be ok. I tell myself no one deserves to live in fear at the hands of another and certainly no one deserves to be abused. Today i came across an email i sent to her back in 2010 addressing her behavior towards me where she admirred she had anger issues and was reading self help books to improve. Theres no doubt as she was diagnosed bipolar and prescribed lamictal that she was misdiagnosed. She held every one of the clinical signs for borderline except cutting. Stay strong everyone it s a long road until we recover.

[Isa_lala]

I don't even know if we will see each other tomorrow because i don't know if his son will go back with him tomorrow

But I will be careful to not be caught in his spider's web.

He is obsessed with the idea of coming here for the night. I told him I had a girl friend for the dinner tonight and he doesn't know if she sleeps here so I won't answer the 8 emails he sent me the last 2-3 hours so he doesn't pop up here

I cannot believe how sick he is.

I tell him something, he seems to understand and a few hours later it is like I have not said anything

I will go NC very soon.

[Isa_lala]

I just called the police because he said that he would come tonight, then he emailed me he was in front of my house and a few minutes later i saw his car so I called the police

[fromheeltoheal]

I just called the police because he said that he would come tonight, then he emailed me he was in front of my house and a few minutes later i saw his car so I called the police

Good for you Isa, turning to support when you need it and staying strong.  Keep doing what is right for you and your son, and let us know how it goes.

[Isa_lala]

Thanks

The police came and give me some very good advice.

Tomorrow I will buy a new lock for my front door and will change it.

I will write an email to my ex VERY CLEAR that I do not want him to  contact me either by phone, email or text message and I do not want him to come to my place without having been invited. I will say that If he doesn't respect what I asked I will lodge a complaint at the police, adding that they already made a report and have his name and address

And for the rest of his stuff he let behind, we will arrange an appointment and I will not be alone when he comes

That s it

I am not seeing him tomorrow and I am done with him

Too bad to reach this point but I felt so scared when i saw his car in front of the house that I don't want to experience that another time

[fromheeltoheal]

Good for you Isa.  4 days ago you started this thread and you were confused.  You don't sound confused anymore, you sound definite.  It is too bad it has to go this way, but you are moving towards your bright future, one way or the other.  Take care of you!

[WoundedBibi]

You sound determined    You stood up for yourself     You kept yourself safe 

I had this funny feeling it wasn't going to be just a few hours in the morning to have your boys spend some time together...

Send him the clear email you've thought of     Change the locks     Stay strong 

[Isa_lala]

Yes I don't have any more doubts about what I want in my life

And my ex is not part of what I want

Do you think it is exaggerated to tell my ex to not contact me anymore by any way and to not come to my place without having been invited if not i lodge a complaint ?

Bpd or not, for the last month or so , he has not decided anything

I flew away (with good reasons) he had not choice to go my way: living with my absence that was killing him, having to find a new place to live and fast, not being able to speak with me (we have communicated by email as I decided) etc.

I understand that he is sick but he is not a monster, he is a human being

He needs to be in control and for the last 4-5 weeks, he is not

Controlling any thing and it must be very disturbing for him

Should I keep the police "card" in my sleeve for later. He knows I called the police last night

I would feel more comfortable telling him that last night was the last straw, that I fully understand how he can feel but I don't feel respected in what I ask him (to not come) and that is enough for me , I won't be answering any of his

Email or phone calls.

I would like to tell him that he cannot enter in the house anymore so we will arrange a time soon for him to come to pick the belongings he has left

And if he is harassing me, then, I would use the card of the police saying that I will lodge a complaint

What do you think?

But I am definitely going with NC

[fromheeltoheal]

Do you think it is exaggerated to tell my ex to not contact me anymore by any way and to not come to my place without having been invited if not i lodge a complaint ?

Well, you have a right to live any way you want to, and if you don't want to be with him, you don't want to be with him.  The problem is a borderline hates to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, some say they feel like they literally don't exist without an attachment, so he has a whole lot of motivation to continue pursuing you, and you have to escalate what you do in response, getting more and more firm and calling the police if that's what it takes.  Not pretty, but BPD is a mental illness; think about breaking up with someone without a personality disorder, what happens?  They're sad, they may yell, they may beg, whatever, but then they just go away.  Let's hope he just goes away.

I understand that he is sick but he is not a monster, he is a human being

Yes, and a human you felt very differently about for a length of time, yes?  Well, things have changed, and it's important to not minimize his behavior either, see it for what it is, regardless of your feelings.  And who knows, sometimes it takes a lot of pain to motivate us to look at our own behavior and seek help, maybe that will happen for him, we can hope.

I don't feel respected in what I ask him (to not come) and that is enough for me

That's all you need right there.  We don't need people in our lives who don't show us respect or honor our personal requests.

What do you think?

I think it still hasn't been very long since the relationship ended, and you're doing the final cutting now, it's hard, but you are staying on the course you want to be on, good for you, and hopefully he starts to accept it, and things will get much, much better.

I think I mentioned my ex continued trying to contact me for about 9 months after I left her, borderlines hate to lose attachments remember, but she eventually stopped.  I hope she's doing OK and not creating too much pain for anyone else.

Stay strong Isa, you're doing well!

[Isa_lala]

Yes I remember you telling me about your ex contacting you for months. Were you answering? How did you manage?

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes I remember you telling me about your ex contacting you for months. Were you answering? How did you manage?

Funny, she used to send me 15 or 20 texts a day and those stopped immediately, but voicemails and emails continued and she added me to a distribution list for marketing emails for a business she started, so I got a whole lot of spam telling me how awesome she is, total lies all of it, but that's marketing right?  I didn't respond to any of them and deleted them all, I was done, done, done, and she lives a long way from me and never physically showed up.  An interesting thing was the more I learned about the disorder the more it described her, the more her behaviors became understandable, and the more pathetic she seemed, and I eventually developed compassion for her and the tough road she walks.  It was much easier than your ex showing up at your place Isa, and it's a good thing you got the police involved and are changing the locks, doing what you need to do.

[Penelope35]

Yes I remember you telling me about your ex contacting you for months. Were you answering? How did you manage?

Funny, she used to send me 15 or 20 texts a day and those stopped immediately, but voicemails and emails continued and she added me to a distribution list for marketing emails for a business she started, so I got a whole lot of spam telling me how awesome she is, total lies all of it, but that's marketing right?  I didn't respond to any of them and deleted them all, I was done, done, done, and she lives a long way from me and never physically showed up.  An interesting thing was the more I learned about the disorder the more it described her, the more her behaviors became understandable, and the more pathetic she seemed, and I eventually developed compassion for her and the tough road she walks.  It was much easier than your ex showing up at your place Isa, and it's a good thing you got the police involved and are changing the locks, doing what you need to do.

It gives me hope when I read about people who have overcomed these situations. Do you feel that you are completely over your ex now FHTH?

[fromheeltoheal]

It gives me hope when I read about people who have overcomed these situations. Do you feel that you are completely over your ex now FHTH?

Oh yes, it's been years for me Penelope, but all the other stuff, the reasons I got in that relationship, and others, why I stayed, how I felt and thought about myself at the time, what I focused on and made things mean, what I thought a healthy relationship was, all of those things continue to evolve, and they evolved a great deal after I left my ex because of the pain I was in, funny how motivating pain is, and ultimately I came to see the resulting growth as the gift of the relationship.

[Penelope35]

Oh yes, it's been years for me Penelope, but all the other stuff, the reasons I got in that relationship, and others, why I stayed, how I felt and thought about myself at the time, what I focused on and made things mean, what I thought a healthy relationship was, all of those things continue to evolve, and they evolved a great deal after I left my ex because of the pain I was in, funny how motivating pain is, and ultimately I came to see the resulting growth as the gift of the relationship.

This is what I am looking forward to. To see and experience the growth in me from this relationship/break-up. I can already see how this experience will end up helping me but at the moment it's all very raw and the pain is too much that many times I loose my faith that I will ever emotionally let go of this relationship. Happy for you!

Isa I am glad to see you taking control. You are on the right path and I hope you keep on going forward     

[fromheeltoheal]

at the moment it's all very raw and the pain is too much that many times I loose my faith that I will ever emotionally let go of this relationship.

One great way to make it through, and you will, is to develop an empowering vision for your future, then make it big and bright so it's compelling, then take one step, just one step, in that direction.  And then another.  And after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, it takes on a life of its own, and then one day you'll look back, realize how far you've come, and fall in love with yourself all over again.  Self-love and self-compassion are actions.

So what does that future look like for you Penelope?

[Penelope35]

at the moment it's all very raw and the pain is too much that many times I loose my faith that I will ever emotionally let go of this relationship.

One great way to make it through, and you will, is to develop an empowering vision for your future, then make it big and bright so it's compelling, then take one step, just one step, in that direction.  And then another.  And after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, it takes on a life of its own, and then one day you'll look back, realize how far you've come, and fall in love with yourself all over again.  Self-love and self-compassion are actions.

So what does that future look like for you Penelope?

To be honest, at this point the future scares me. I am afraid I will be stuck for a long time.

[Isa_lala]

Penelope, where are you in your process? Are you still in a rs?

I changed the lock of my door, that was not easy and it is not perfect, but my ex cannot enter my house anymore

I will feel safer and will be able to go NC without being afraid of seeing him popping up at my place

It is amazing how we see more clearly when we are out of the rs! I see how sick he is. I already feel compassion for him but I know that I cannot do anything for him. And the little energy I have, I prefer to keep it for my self healing

Anyway, it is exhausting a rs with a BPD

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyway, it is exhausting a rs with a BPD

Yes, it is.  And part of taking care of yourself and healing is to slow down now, get lots of rest, and your body will let you know when an emotion that needs to be processed comes up.  Good news on the lock, and may he and the police stay out of your life so you can rest.  Springtime!  It's a time of rebirth, yes?

[fromheeltoheal]

To be honest, at this point the future scares me. I am afraid I will be stuck for a long time.

If you focus on being stuck, you will surely be stuck.  And we're motivated to move away from something that scares us, not towards it; what about the future scares you?

[Penelope35]

Penelope, where are you in your process? Are you still in a rs?

I changed the lock of my door, that was not easy and it is not perfect, but my ex cannot enter my house anymore

I will feel safer and will be able to go NC without being afraid of seeing him popping up at my place

It is amazing how we see more clearly when we are out of the rs! I see how sick he is. I already feel compassion for him but I know that I cannot do anything for him. And the little energy I have, I prefer to keep it for my self healing

Anyway, it is exhausting a rs with a BPD

I am at the point where I know no contact is my only way to detach from him, I keep trying to stick to it,  I ignore many messages but then I break down and reply and go back to 0. That's what I am doing for the last 4 months... .

You did the right thing with changing the lock!

[Penelope35]

If you focus on being stuck, you will surely be stuck.  And we're motivated to move away from something that scares us, not towards it; what about the future scares you?

I am afraid I will be alone and thinking how magical the fantasy of my relationship was... .

[fromheeltoheal]

If you focus on being stuck, you will surely be stuck.  And we're motivated to move away from something that scares us, not towards it; what about the future scares you?

I am afraid I will be alone and thinking how magical the fantasy of my relationship was... .

I understand Penelope.  The fantasy was pretty awesome, too bad the reality was as bad as the fantasy was good, at least in my case.

Being alone and being lonely are two different things though, and one thing that is cool is being alone for a while after these relationships end is an opportunity to fall in love with ourselves all over again, or for the first time, and really create the life of our dreams on our terms, and once we do, we become mighty attractive, and then the right people show up in our lives, ones we don't need fantasies for because they're real.  Now there's a future, yes?

[Turkish]

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