New baby, new life

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello all,

I haven't posted here in a while. A lot has changed. I have a new baby (#3) and was offered a new job which includes a relocation to a town 3 hours away form here. All our hopes are materializing . We are in the midst of getting the house ready. This means that for the first time, I will be more than just a 5-minute drive away from my BPD mom. I had already gone lc for over a year and a lot has changed in our relationship. I am much happier but she seems to be withering away. She is unhappy with with her job despite the fact that they love her, she is very successful at it and is making a ton of money. She complains that at her age (64) she shouldn't be working. She's also complaining about being tired and potentially very ill. The last time she checked herself into a hospital, they sent her home with no treatment or diagnosis.

I know she's angry and embittered. Even with the limited contact I have, she manages to try to tear me down. She has only seen my son about three times in 2 1/2 months and I tell her nothing. Still, I get accused of not feeding my baby enough and not tending to him. She has also started pressuring me about having a baptism in the midst of all the moving chaos. I actually only ever had my first born son baptized. At the time, my mom was trying to control the entire baptism and kept taking me aside and raging at me for getting everything wrong. She also kept telling me that all my guests hated me and wanted to hurt the baby. It was just awful. So I never got my daughter baptized. She doesn't realize that she is the reason why I stopped all that stuff.

Anyhow, we are excited about making this move and being farther away from her. I worry about her though. She is all alone. My gc brother lives close by but he is a true workaholic who is out of town more often than home. Once I'm moved, she will truly be on her own.

Her birthday was a few weeks ago and she didn't want us to celebrate. She said she no longer matters (martyr talk). I surprised her by showing up at her house with cake and my brother brought lunch. It was nice to see her happy for once. However, it was also disconcerting. She told me that it was a good thing that we showed up with food because she was going hungry(?).

So despite my relief that we're moving, I'm concerned. I've never discussed her BPD with anyone in the family and I'm not sure anyone knows how dark things can get. I grew up worrying about her and trying to be there for her emotionally. She called me her best friend. I constantly feared that she would one day take her own life and that it was up to me to prevent it from happening. Now I worry that she will lose herself.

I can sense her rage bubbling and I know it's only a matter of time until she has her next psychotic episode. I know I have to protect myself and my family from it but who will help her the next time she breaks down? For now, I'm maintaining lc and moving forward. Any advice would be appreciated .     

[Sarah girl]

Hello all,

I haven't posted here in a while. A lot has changed. I have a new baby (#3) and was offered a new job which includes a relocation to a town 3 hours away form here. All our hopes are materializing . We are in the midst of getting the house ready. This means that for the first time, I will be more than just a 5-minute drive away from my BPD mom. I had already gone lc for over a year and a lot has changed in our relationship. I am much happier but she seems to be withering away. She is unhappy with with her job despite the fact that they love her, she is very successful at it and is making a ton of money. She complains that at her age (64) she shouldn't be working. She's also complaining about being tired and potentially very ill. The last time she checked herself into a hospital, they sent her home with no treatment or diagnosis.

I know she's angry and embittered. Even with the limited contact I have, she manages to try to tear me down. She has only seen my son about three times in 2 1/2 months and I tell her nothing. Still, I get accused of not feeding my baby enough and not tending to him. She has also started pressuring me about having a baptism in the midst of all the moving chaos. I actually only ever had my first born son baptized. At the time, my mom was trying to control the entire baptism and kept taking me aside and raging at me for getting everything wrong. She also kept telling me that all my guests hated me and wanted to hurt the baby. It was just awful. So I never got my daughter baptized. She doesn't realize that she is the reason why I stopped all that stuff.

Anyhow, we are excited about making this move and being farther away from her. I worry about her though. She is all alone. My gc brother lives close by but he is a true workaholic who is out of town more often than home. Once I'm moved, she will truly be on her own.

Her birthday was a few weeks ago and she didn't want us to celebrate. She said she no longer matters (martyr talk). I surprised her by showing up at her house with cake and my brother brought lunch. It was nice to see her happy for once. However, it was also disconcerting. She told me that it was a good thing that we showed up with food because she was going hungry(?).

So despite my relief that we're moving, I'm concerned. I've never discussed her BPD with anyone in the family and I'm not sure anyone knows how dark things can get. I grew up worrying about her and trying to be there for her emotionally. She called me her best friend. I constantly feared that she would one day take her own life and that it was up to me to prevent it from happening. Now I worry that she will lose herself.

I can sense her rage bubbling and I know it's only a matter of time until she has her next psychotic episode. I know I have to protect myself and my family from it but who will help her the next time she breaks down? For now, I'm maintaining lc and moving forward. Any advice would be appreciated .     

[daughterandmom]

Welcome back Sarah girl!

It's nice to see the positive updates on your story. Congrats on the new baby and new job!

I'm so sorry your mother is still causing you so much distress and worry. Especially right now while you need everything for your family. But that's how it goes, isn't it. I really relate to a lot of what you are saying- my mother is 67 and also convinced she is very ill, although the doctors never find anything.

I really feel for you- I understand the worrying, and the fear of suicide, and the feelings of responsibility to prevent it. I'm so sorry.

I am sure more experienced posters will have better advice for you, but I just wanted to say that a lot of my mind and energy was on my mother when my children were small. I regret that, because it never helped, she resents me more than ever, and it was my kids who truly needed and deserved my full attention then.

 

[Please help]

You are doing well. Nice work. Please focus on yourself and your family. Keep your mother and her poison LC. You owe it to your kids. When they are late teens early 20's tell them the truth.

These people have a sickness and it will lead to us being hurt. 

[Kwamina]

Thanks for the update Sarah girl and congratulations on the new baby! And the new job!

She has also started pressuring me about having a baptism in the midst of all the moving chaos. I actually only ever had my first born son baptized. At the time, my mom was trying to control the entire baptism and kept taking me aside and raging at me for getting everything wrong. She also kept telling me that all my guests hated me and wanted to hurt the baby. It was just awful. So I never got my daughter baptized. She doesn't realize that she is the reason why I stopped all that stuff.

The way your mother behaved at your first son's baptism sounds very unpleasant indeed. Have you ever discussed your mother's behavior at that baptism with her? Has she perhaps ever said anything about how she looks back upon that event?

Was getting your first son baptized something you only did for your mother or is getting your children baptized actually something you (also) do really find important yourself?

So despite my relief that we're moving, I'm concerned. I've never discussed her BPD with anyone in the family and I'm not sure anyone knows how dark things can get. I grew up worrying about her and trying to be there for her emotionally. She called me her best friend. I constantly feared that she would one day take her own life and that it was up to me to prevent it from happening. Now I worry that she will lose herself.

I can sense her rage bubbling and I know it's only a matter of time until she has her next psychotic episode. I know I have to protect myself and my family from it but who will help her the next time she breaks down? For now, I'm maintaining lc and moving forward. Any advice would be appreciated .    

In spite of everything she is still your mother and I can understand your concern for her. You have your own life to lead and cannot be her caretaker. As hard as it can be, sometimes the only thing we can do for our loved ones is show them that we care for them (without taking care of them), the rest is up to them. We describe the so-called Caring or Winning Triangle on this site and one of the things mentioned is to be caring, but don't overstep (as in rescue):

We do not want to let our fears, obligation and guilt to control us or allow us to be manipulated into taking care of another person when it really isn't healthy to do so. Instead of being the rescuer  and doing the thinking, taking the lead, doing more than our share, doing more than is asked of us -  simply be a supportive, empathetic listener and provide reflection, coaching, and assistance if the person asks and is taking the lead themselves. It is important to recognize the other person as an equal (not one-down) and give the other person the respect of letting them take care of themselves, solve their own problems, and deal with their feelings as they choose. Remember, the rescuer  has the most pivotal position on the drama triangle - you are in the strongest position, at least initially, to redirect the dynamic into healthy territory.

Take care and welcome back

[MiserableDaughter]

Firstly, congratulations on your upcoming baby! And also, congratulations on moving 3 hours away! Best thing you can do for a new start (if you have read my posts, I recently moved across the country from uBPD mom.) Distance will help because a new baby brings out the worst in a BPD grandma. You need to focus on your lovely new family unit! You are only moving 3 hours away, not across the country like I did... .You are doing nothing wrong! You deserve this! Your mother sounds like mine... .I was also her emotional caretaker. My mom also thought I was her best friend. I still get texts from my mom saying "I hope we can be best friends again like we used to." I can never be her best friend. She is the one person in the world I cannot minimally be myself with, so how can I be her best friend? I am me with my friends! So no guilt, lady... .You have done your part in taking care of her. Time to take care of you and your family and be there for her when needed. But your priority is your family and protecting the baby from the crazy!

[Sarah girl]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support!

Daughterandmom, you are right. All my energy spent worrying and trying to rescue my mom has never helped her and just like you, I do regret it. I realized a few years ago that I missed out on so much because I was so entirely tied up in trying to make things better for her. It never helped  . Despite this, she expects me to continue on in this role.

please help, I'm trying to make a very conscious effort to bring my thoughts back to my family whenever the guilt sets in - it's a daily battle-royale. Thanks for the encouragement

Kwamina, about my oldest son's baptism, my mom actually never demonstrated any awareness of her behavior. She always maintained that she put her life on hold and sacrificed her time and resources to make the event a success. She has spoken at length about how the whole thing was a farce because I didn't prepare the food properly, I didn't spend enough money, it wasn't fancy enough, religious enough, I didn't look good enough, my son's clothes were not up to par, the guests (whom she hates) had good reason to ridicule me. In short, I shamed the family. She still maintains this. According to her, she was the event's only saving grace.

I would love to get my other two kids baptized. It is important especially because my two eldest kids want to be the new baby's godparents and that would be so wonderful. My idea of a baptism is not a huge, hyper-religious money-hemorrhaging act of showing off to people we hardly know. I would like a quiet intimate and simple family bonding experience. My daughter wants some friends of ours to be her godparents. My mom would flip out if she knew. I just don't feel that we can share this vision with her  . My husband and I often joke about having the elopement equivalent of baptisms for our kids .

In terms of the rescuer role, I have been trying to be supportive and not more. My mom gets very resentful and sarcastic when I offer words of support because what she wants is for me to drop everything and make things better for her. Anything less is leading to a lot of anger on her part. These days, when I talk to her, she constantly yells about how someone should be looking after her.

Despite my guilt, I know I have to focus on my family unit. There's so much to do, I really don't have time for anything else. Thank you for your help and support Kwamina .

MiserableDaughter, I'm so glad your move has given you some breathing room! You are right about how a new baby brings out the worst in a BPD grandma. She hasn't been given the opportunity this time around. I'm enjoying the peaceful happy experience of being home with baby for the first time. It's like I'm only just now seeing things as they are and seeing myself and my family as more than just an extension of my mom.  

[Kwamina]

I would love to get my other two kids baptized. It is important especially because my two eldest kids want to be the new baby's godparents and that would be so wonderful. My idea of a baptism is not a huge, hyper-religious money-hemorrhaging act of showing off to people we hardly know. I would like a quiet intimate and simple family bonding experience. My daughter wants some friends of ours to be her godparents. My mom would flip out if she knew. I just don't feel that we can share this vision with her  . My husband and I often joke about having the elopement equivalent of baptisms for our kids .

Well perhaps having the elopement equivalent of baptisms is something you should really consider then!

But on a more serious note, you have clearly expressed that getting your children baptized really is something you find important. Exploring ways to get this done without your mother causing drama does seem advisable then. It is sad that your mom behaves the way she does. You never know for certain how your mom would react, she might flip out or might not, but whether she does or not, this is your life and you are entitled to lead your life the way you want to. You get to decide now.