Suddenly Backsliding... in need of some opinions

[Herodias]

Hi All, I was doing so well... .able to give advice, feeling so strong! I think the refiling of separation papers and knowing this will all be over with in 3 months has made me back slip. I keep crying again... .not because I want him back, just because I wish it was different. I know we all do. For some reason I keep thinking that if I hadn't had been so "controlling and telling him what to do", maybe things would have been different. It seems even in "normal" relationships it's not good to be demanding or controlling. People keep telling me that because he acted so off the norm and did all kinds of horrendous things that I had no choice and anyone else would have told him the same thing and/or been out of the r/s years ago. He kept feeling like he couldn't do anything right with me. Sometimes telling someone not to put something down the disposal would be helpful to avoid a big expense, but with him... .I am suppose to just let him break it and find out apparently. The don't do drugs, don't lie, don't drink and drive, don't flirt with your co-workers are pretty obvious to "normal" people as well... .Why am I still blaming myself? Why do I keep thinking because the gf is younger, maybe he is happier? Maybe she doesn't care about his immaturity... .she may be as well. Having a baby with someone will put things in perspective for them both... .or not. He may just go off the deep end and leave when the going gets tough. I know I am supposed to be happy I am out of it, but suddenly I am feeling lonely and hate the big impending ":)" word... .: (

[C.Stein]

Don't get down on yourself Blue ... .sunny skies are in your future.   

Just imagine D = DELICIOUS freedom away from emotional pain.

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,

I think that it's normal in our healing  journey where we have periods where we feel great and periods where we feel like we're taking two steps back. It takes time and take really good care of yourself.

Maybe she doesn't care about his immaturity... .she may be as well.

She could be either emotionally immature or emotionally mature. BPD affects everyone regardless of their personality, take a look at our forums. I don't think that there's anyone that is impervious to the disorder.

[Itstopsnow]

It's normal to feel this way. It is a significant loss for you. Deep levels of betrayal, and all the abuse you endured from him didn't mean anything at the end because you still lost him. I get it! That's how I feel. But you have to remember something Blue, you couldn't of done anything different to make things better or made a different outcome! He's sick, selfish, entitled, self serving, and his wiring on his brain isn't right. His chemistry is off and his psyche is completely damaged. Don't have anger towards this woman, feel sorry for her. Pray for her if you can. He is not going to treat her better, love her more or be a better person for her. He is who he is... .And that will surface if it already hasn't. He doesn't care about her or you or anyone. Remember cluster B is co morbid. They gave many issues going on. You are definitely on the better end. You want someone to grow old with that will be supportive and love you unconditionally. He never could of done any of that For you or anyone!

[Herodias]

Thank you  :'(

[AwakenedOne]

For some reason I keep thinking that if I hadn't had been so "controlling and telling him what to do", maybe things would have been different.

Hi BH,

I'm sorry you are hurting, divorce is a hard thing to go through. Things do get slowly better though I found out.

Did he call you a controller? My uBPDxW called me one. It's much like how a child thinks though, if mommy doesn't give unlimited cookies she's a jerk cookie jar controller. I'll take a wild guess from what I have read here in the last year and say that most of us were called controllers.

I wouldn't let her finance large investments without our joint approval or have babies until our marriage relationship improved. I insisted on her doing some cleaning sometimes because I got sick and tired of cleaning myself while she sat around lazy or wanted to BFF it up with her mom instead. Weird how that was controlling too . I am such a different person now. I wouldn't put up with one second of this mess again with anybody.

[tryingsome]

I noticed a correlation, when we put our emotional safety first, that is when we are called controlling. It is a shame.

My first relationship, my ex would dictate what I needed to wear and have us refuse to leave the house till we changed. That was controlling. However, those worse qualities are nothing compared to the BPD hooks of this last relationship.

PwBPD sink into our psyche. We second guess what is heathy, even after the relationship.

Just keep steering and tread lightly as you might be more vulnerable right now if he wants to reconcile. you are doing great.

[Scopikaz]

Hang in there. Keep your chin up. I've been told I was controlling too. Seems like whenever I did something they didn't want me to do or I didn't always listen to them i was stubborn. But when I suggest things others do I'm controlling.  You can't win. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't.  i feel for you. Thank you for your words on my posts. They mean a lot even though they are controlling. Lol!

[jhkbuzz]

Hi All, I was doing so well... .able to give advice, feeling so strong! I think the refiling of separation papers and knowing this will all be over with in 3 months has made me back slip. I keep crying again... .not because I want him back, just because I wish it was different. I know we all do. For some reason I keep thinking that if I hadn't had been so "controlling and telling him what to do", maybe things would have been different. It seems even in "normal" relationships it's not good to be demanding or controlling. People keep telling me that because he acted so off the norm and did all kinds of horrendous things that I had no choice and anyone else would have told him the same thing and/or been out of the r/s years ago. He kept feeling like he couldn't do anything right with me. Sometimes telling someone not to put something down the disposal would be helpful to avoid a big expense, but with him... .I am suppose to just let him break it and find out apparently. The don't do drugs, don't lie, don't drink and drive, don't flirt with your co-workers are pretty obvious to "normal" people as well... .Why am I still blaming myself? Why do I keep thinking because the gf is younger, maybe he is happier? Maybe she doesn't care about his immaturity... .she may be as well. Having a baby with someone will put things in perspective for them both... .or not. He may just go off the deep end and leave when the going gets tough. I know I am supposed to be happy I am out of it, but suddenly I am feeling lonely and hate the big impending ":)" word... .: (

It is completely normal that you are feeling triggered by the ending of your r/s... .it may have ended a while ago but filing the papers makes it real.

Sometimes I would "suddenly" feel really sad, and I finally learned to identify my triggers. For some reason, this really helped me get a handle on my sadness. I almost always discovered that my sadness was triggered by something (a song, a place we went together, etc.) and once I named it, I somehow felt less out of control... ."Okay, I'm not an emotional wreck; I just got triggered by something that would make anyone else sad in the same situation. It will pass" (and it always did).

I also ended up in a parentified r/s with my ex. I also spent time wondering if I was too controlling... .I probably was at times. Partly because my ex wanted it in the beginning, wanted someone to take care of her and all of the "adult" responsibilities that are, frankly, a hassle. I should have never agreed to this kind of setup - but I did, and over time we BOTH grew to resent it.

This is the truth: if your ex has BPD, there's very little you could have done to change the outcome. Go over to the staying boards. I do sometimes if I second guess myself, and all I see are tormented souls trying to make r/s's work in next to impossible situations.

Be gentle towards yourself. The next three months may be an emotional rollercoaster for you, but you'll get through it and you'll be okay!

[HarleypsychRN]

Hi Herodias,

I think that it's normal in our healing  journey where we have periods where we feel great and periods where we feel like we're taking two steps back. It takes time and take really good care of yourself.

Maybe she doesn't care about his immaturity... .she may be as well.

So very very true... .some days I am strong and some days I miss her so much I can hardly bear it. It's going to take some time before the healing takes real hold.

[HurtinNW]

One thing that is helping me is this reminder:

Maybe he will be happier and nicer with someone else. But he was incapable of being happy or nice with me. And that is what matters.