My story - what helped me.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm Italian so sorry for my english  . 2,5y ago I met in holiday a wonderful (really amazing), smart and sweet girl from north-east of Europe and we had long-distance r/s. Her parents divorced when she was 12y. Her father had 3 wedding and 3 divorces, he lost job, he is depressed and now he is alcohol addicted. When I met her she was married and with a 3y old kid. She falled in love very fast and with big intensity (I was scared bec it was too fast imho). Only after a week she wanted to move to Italy! After initial skepticism I couldn't resist to her.  From that holiday and for all our r/s (2,5y) we met every 3/4 weeks for 4-6days and we wrote on SN ton of messages, we were always in contact. After 4 months she came to one meeting with terrible mood, she left me alone in her country for last day of meeting and day after she closed our r/s, only after 24h she minimize and gave me compelling explanations and she wanted to come back tog and I agreed. We had long honeymoon, we never discussed, all was wonderful for all our r/s and we made amazing experiences tog for all 2,5y except that episode. We planned to live tog in Italy from Spring of this year. One day in past november she was stressed (problems at work and with father) and I told one single sentece that change all: "maybe we should wait some months before you will move here till problems with your family will be fixed". After that sentece (I think she lived it like abandon) she had panic attack and she totally changed attitude. Any explanations, discussion, confrontation was helpful. I tried all to come back tog without success. After few days she closed. Only in 48h she found a new bf that work with her in her country. After some weeks she wrote me emails and some messages where smts she tought to come back tog because she doesn't love new bf and smts she answered me very coldly after some good times spent with new bf. I realized that something was wrong with those fast change of attitude. I started to search and I found about dbp. I suffered a lot, I'm still suffering but when I discovered about dbp my eyes and mind opened.

I still love her, I miss her kid (we became good friends and I loved him like a father) and I miss a lot sex with this wonderful woman but after all what I read on this site and about Dbp and with logistic problems (she live 2000km far and she have dbp, she have alcohol addicted and depressed father, kid not mine, she is in debt) I really can't come back.

This is the more hard challenge that I faced in my life.

[FraFra85]

I'm Italian so sorry for my english  . 2,5y ago I met in holiday a wonderful (really amazing), smart and sweet girl from north-east of Europe and we had long-distance r/s. Her parents divorced when she was 12y. Her father had 3 wedding and 3 divorces, he lost job, he is depressed and now he is alcohol addicted. When I met her she was married and with a 3y old kid. She falled in love very fast and with big intensity (I was scared bec it was too fast imho). Only after a week she wanted to move to Italy! After initial skepticism I couldn't resist to her.  From that holiday and for all our r/s (2,5y) we met every 3/4 weeks for 4-6days and we wrote on SN ton of messages, we were always in contact. After 4 months she came to one meeting with terrible mood, she left me alone in her country for last day of meeting and day after she closed our r/s, only after 24h she minimize and gave me compelling explanations and she wanted to come back tog and I agreed. We had long honeymoon, we never discussed, all was wonderful for all our r/s and we made amazing experiences tog for all 2,5y except that episode. We planned to live tog in Italy from Spring of this year. One day in past november she was stressed (problems at work and with father) and I told one single sentece that change all: "maybe we should wait some months before you will move here till problems with your family will be fixed". After that sentece (I think she lived it like abandon) she had panic attack and she totally changed attitude. Any explanations, discussion, confrontation was helpful. I tried all to come back tog without success. After few days she closed. Only in 48h she found a new bf that work with her in her country. After some weeks she wrote me emails and some messages where smts she tought to come back tog because she doesn't love new bf and smts she answered me very coldly after some good times spent with new bf. I realized that something was wrong with those fast change of attitude. I started to search and I found about dbp. I suffered a lot, I'm still suffering but when I discovered about dbp my eyes and mind opened.

I still love her, I miss her kid (we became good friends and I loved him like a father) and I miss a lot sex with this wonderful woman but after all what I read on this site and about Dbp and with logistic problems (she live 2000km far and she have dbp, she have alcohol addicted and depressed father, kid not mine, she is in debt) I really can't come back.

This is the more hard challenge that I faced in my life.

[FraFra85]

What helped/help me?

- Meditation: to stay calm and relaxed and to watch inside me.

- Take positive from my ended r/s (luckily for me I had long honeymoon, I spent with her best 2.5y of my life and we broke only 2 times. I understood fast about her disorder) but I don't forget negative part, and if I come back this will dominate.

- Read this forum and others experiences. I'm not alone and only here people can really understand the dynamics of r/s with a partner with DBP.

- Understand all mechanisms of this disorder to forgive her and not be angry; to have rationals explanations to feed my heart and mind; to have clear that odds to have stability and happy r/s are very very few if we come back.

- Focalize on job, go out with friends and make something that I like.

- Plan some trips to meet new people and to change routine.

- Some questions/statements that I wrote on paper and I read when I have some doubts: 1= Person that love me couldn't make me suffer so strongly and should act very differently. 2= I shouldn't come back because from what I learn it will be worse and worse. Almost everybody that tried failed. 3= Really few of them improve and only when they really fight to change behaviour (about people in general: ton of us have problems but how many really want and do all to change? Really few, so could be the same for pwDBP. Plus they need reason to change and good self awareness and my ex have almost 0 now. They need economic resources to make years of therapy, and it's not case of my ex). Should I bet my future on very little odds to have good life with a pwDBP also if I love that person? Smts I would answer yes but I have only 1 life and time pass fast and risk to be unhappy it's very high.

[rfriesen]

That's a heart-breaking story, and I can relate to the pain and confusion of her finding an immediate replacement. You're lucky to have found out before really diving in together and, as you say, to have had 2.5 years of relatively good times.

I'm also meditating, getting back into hobbies, concentrating more on my work. All of it feels satisfying and like taking control back. But I can't deny that life sometimes has a very bland feeling as I get myself back on track after ending things with my exBPDgf. It's a question of keeping the focus on longterm happiness and fulfillment, and not living for the temporary intoxication of today. But definitely putting the healthy habits back together is hard work.

[Fr4nz]

Hey Fra, I'm Italian too!

Se vuoi si fa una conoscenza più approfondita, al limite mandami un messaggio privato

[FraFra85]

That's a heart-breaking story, and I can relate to the pain and confusion of her finding an immediate replacement. You're lucky to have found out before really diving in together and, as you say, to have had 2.5 years of relatively good times.

I'm also meditating, getting back into hobbies, concentrating more on my work. All of it feels satisfying and like taking control back. But I can't deny that life sometimes has a very bland feeling as I get myself back on track after ending things with my exBPDgf. It's a question of keeping the focus on longterm happiness and fulfillment, and not living for the temporary intoxication of today. But definitely putting the healthy habits back together is hard work.

I have the same sensation. I wrote all things that help me... .but some days are more easy some days more hard. Sometimes I have lot of thoughts about my ex and melancholy but I have to go straight on my road that is far from her. I'm still not in complete control of my life like I was before I met her, but day by day it seems to be better.

[gotbushels]

Interesting story FraFra85. I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty that the both of you faced.

Thank you for the suggestions.