Splitting when separated... feels so good

[Jox]

Hi all,

I left him three weeks ago. It seems that it was a confusion in his head and he didn't know why. Just today in our minimal conversation I wanted to clarify that I left because of splitting, emotional abuse and his unwillingness to be responsible for it in any shape or form.

OH COURSE, he split in the email, and told me that I don't have to reach him in 3 months, as original plan.  AND, of course now he is changing the email, and phone #... ., and telling me not to talk to him ever again... .

Oh, thank heavens! We are six hours away, I have my own roof and food, it feels so good, and safe.

But I have to be honest that it did hit me for couple of hours, but it is not even comparable to living under the same roof, now he splits on his own, by himself... .

I also may say that part of me do feel sad about it, it is not healthy nor normal, and he is suffering a lot, BUT, I am learning that after all it is not my problem, and tomorrow is a new day for me, and realistically for him too.

And I know that he will try to reach me soon, but we are entering rough NC until 3 months.  And I am so liking my new life now, that I have pretty high standard of what I expect on our next email, low diplomatic meeting... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

What keeps you Jox? Do you desire a low-level of contact friendship, or are you ready to move on completely? He seems to be indicating the latter (which could change, as you're feelng). What's in this for you?

[Jox]

What keeps you Jox?

I see that moderators ask questions as therapists, so I am not taking it as jugememt, but don't get me wrong, it could and even should be.

Well it has been 14 years... .My pride maybe: that afer all it worked out. And if it were not "just" for splitting, which didn't get resolved, we would be fine since we resolved many, many other aspects.

For the first time I have documented the splitting, I have my letter and how he responded. Just out of curiosity, should I post them? It could be interesting for other to see.

Never before I had splitting in writing. I will keep correspondence for ever to remind myself.

Thanks Turkish

[livednlearned]

OH COURSE, he split in the email, and told me that I don't have to reach him in 3 months, as original plan.  AND, of course now he is changing the email, and phone #... ., and telling me not to talk to him ever again.

This seems like a fairly predictable response given the coping mechanism of someone with BPD during times of stress. Do you plan to reach out in 3 months?



BPD Behaviors: Splitting

Splitting is a powerful unconscious force that manifests to protect against anxiety. Rather than providing real protection, splitting leads to destructive behavior and turmoil, and the often confused reactions by those who try to help.  Some degree of splitting is an expectable part of early mental development. It is seen in young children who, early on, press to be told "Is it good?" or "Is it bad?" Read more: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

[Jox]

Hi,

thanks for the link. I never saw it. Wish I have long ago... .

Just to say that splitting while living together was so aggressive and terrible that it was not workable in any way and form.

Yet on the funny side, he would often say - is it good or bad. I picked up on it and was asking the same question, kind of in situation of confusion, not in the serious way.  I just thought he was expressing some ambiguity of the situation. It never crossed my mind that it was part of splitting mentality.

And, yes I will contact him, I still have the flight that he will move forward, as he did in so many other ways. But by no means I am holding my breath, now it's up to him.

Thank you

Jox