Breaking up with my wife

[loplop]

Dear all!

I desperately need your help! Maybe a peace of advice and maybe just some words of encouragement, because emotionally I'm quite a mess now and, still worse, cannot decide on what to do.

Please also note that I'm not an English native speaker, so excuse me for all the possible mistakes in grammar.

I'm in the process of breakup (or so I think) with my wife of 5 years, who unfortunately has BPD. In those 5 years we've had good and bad times, and as it is often the case with BPD, I believe, the good moments were incredibly good and the bad moments were pure hell. Despite the bad times though I most of the time considered myself to be happily married and the whole relationship had a sort of magic touch to it (I guess, this is a feeling many people here can relate to).

In the last year, however, bad moments started to prevail, resulting in my wife cheating on me with two different men in the course of two months, getting pregnant by one of them. I cannot describe how incredibly painful the whole experience has been for me. Even though, for some time I could imagine taking her back and accepting the child as my own (she is willing to keep the baby), had, however, just one condition: a total "no contact" policy with the two guys she cheated me on with. She was intially hesitant, but after some time said that no, these people do mean her a lot and she cannot completely exclude them from her life an so on. I said that when it is so, then we definitely should separate, which resulted in her moving to one of the two guys (who is the most likely the biological father of the future child). I was very sad and depressed and in a lot of pain, which was almost physical, but after some days I sort of started to regain balance and began to imagine what my future life without her would be like (not fantastic, but liveable). But this did not last for long.

My wife is having a vacation with this other guy now and from there she keeps bombarding me with messages about how she suddenly sees everything in a different light now, how much she loves me, how much she wants to come back, how she is increasingly getting bored with her lover and so on. This puts me back in the state where I was some time ago. Can I now trust her? I doubt that very much. Although I still have quite strong feelings for her and although I do believe that her current feelings are genuine, I have no confidence whatsoever that the state she is now in is going to last. I suspect that as soon as we are together again her passion for me and her enthusiasm for our relationship would subside and quite different things would come up. I can very well imagine her writing the same sort of messages she is writint to me now, to her lover, when she is back with me. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but the trust is seriously broken.

My inner feeling is that we cannot be together right now, maybe after some time yes, but I definitely need some time now to heal.

On the other hand, I feel very much responsible for her. She currently has no income, which means that she can be either with me or with the other guy (or with her parents, but they live in another country), which means among other things that we cannot just put our relationship on hold. Besides, she is pregnant, and all the stress is probably bad for her future child. Should I disregard my intuition and please her yet another time? I feel very guilty perceive myself as an incredibly cruel person every time I'm telling her that I cannot say yes to her advances right now.

What makes the situation worse is that we haven't competely separated yet. There are a lot of her things still in my apartment and she still has the key to it.

What should I do? What would you do in my place? Maybe someone has been through a similar experience.

Thank you!

[Panda39]

Hi LopLop,

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this I know from experience how painful cheating is.

This is a personal choice, but for me cheating is a boundary that when crossed is a Deal Breaker.  For me cheating breaks a fundamental trust in a relationship that for me makes continuing a relationship with that person impossible.

I had this happen to me with a relationship I was in for 10 years with someone who was not BPD.  I was crushed but knew for me I was done.

Others may have other philosophies that are not as black and white as mine.  Others try Marriage Counseling, Forgiveness etc. but it seems to me that both parties involved have to genuinely want to repair the relationship.

Does she want to do this?  For the long-term? Not just now or in the moment when things aren't working out with the boyfriend.  Does she just want to come back because the grass is not greener on the other side or does she want to come back because she genuinely believes you are the right person/relationship for her in the long term?  Other things to think about are what do you deserve?  Can you trust her again?  Why do you want to continue this relationship?  What are your boundaries around cheating?  What about having this boyfriend in both of your lives because of the baby?  Although honorable for you to be willing, is it your job to be responsible for another man's child and what are the consequences of taking this on?... .

This is a complicated and painful situation and I wish I had an easy answer for you but there just isn't one, all I can do is encourage you to think it through.

Take Care,

Panda39

[loplop]

Dear Panda,

thank you very much for your quick reply!

My wife defintely sounds like she is genuinely willing to repair our relationship and like I am the right person for her, but as I mentioned already I have no idea how long this genuine feeling would last. In the past she has already promised me many things and swore her undying love to me, but was not always able to keep these promises. However, it has never been with such an intensity it is now. On the other hand, our relationship was never so close the breakup it is now and maybe once the things get more quiet, this passion will also subside.

Yes, having to have the biological father in my future life in the case I am willing to accept the child is a huge issue for me and I don't know how to deal with it.

But what worries me the most right now is this responsibility I continue to feel for my wife. She keeps writing me how desperate she is being with the wrong person and how trapped she feels. Do I have to make up with her out of mercy? Out of guilt? I feel terrible turning her down.

[Panda39]

LopLop,

But what worries me the most right now is this responsibility I continue to feel for my wife. She keeps writing me how desperate she is being with the wrong person and how trapped she feels. Do I have to make up with her out of mercy? Out of guilt? I feel terrible turning her down.

What I am hearing is some struggle with FOG (Fear Obligation & Guilt) you might want to read more about FOG here is a link to more information... .https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

I don't know that it is your job to rescue her.  She is an adult, her situation has been created by her and the consequences are hers too.  In my opinion, if anyone should feel guilty it should be her not you.

I can hear that you care very much about her but right now you might want to consider taking a break from things.  Step back from the chaos and drama so you can gain objectivity and then you can work through how you want to proceed.  You and your feelings also matter in this relationship. Don't forget to take care of you. 

What kind of support are you receiving?  Friends? Family? Therapist?

I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item in the box is a link to more information.  When you have time check it out.

Panda39

[umberto]

I think it would be a very bad idea for your to continue your relationship with your wife. For starters, she is currently on vacation with her boyfriend while she is trying to rope you back in. She obviously has feelings for him and hasn't done a single thing that's shown she really wants you back. She's actually still with him, so she can't even be faithful to him! On top of that, she is pregnant with his baby! The same guy she is currently on vacation with.

So if you got back with your wife, he's going to be around forever and your wife hasn't even broken it off with him. And the reason she wants you over him is because he is 'boring'. You would be willingly signing up to be cuckolded and it's not even like the child won't have its father around. What do you think the child will think about this when he/she grows up?

I can't imagine the pain your wife has put you through and I know you still love her, but she royally messed up. Messed up so bad that your relationship has been destroyed and any obligation you had to her is over. To continue would be the utmost act of disrespect to yourself. If you are so obligated to be responsible for her, then what exactly would her obligations be to you?

I'm not saying any of this to make you feel bad, but trying to help you avoid a serious mistake! You deserve a wife who loves and respects you!

[loplop]

Panda, thank you for the link! I guess, this definitely makes sense.

[loplop]

Umberto, I agree this vacation part looks strange. Her version is: she is sort of trapped there and has no money and nowhere to come back, since I haven't invited her back. Thank you anyway, many things you have written seem very true to me.

[tryingsome]

Here is the bit; you have given her a choice before and she chose the other option (to have these people in her life). So what you want really does not not mean much to her. She needs you now and that's why she wants to come back.

I am all for reconciliation; but if do decide just be careful.

She has already made you a non priority through action.

Don't be be confused with the difference of actions and words.

[Ceruleanblue]

You've sort of already answered your own question. You know her emotions and feelings, and committment to you, change often. Just because she feels this way now, doesn't mean she'll feel that way later. I live with that too, and it STINKS. Now, I don't think all that have BPD are quite this hot/cold, but I think your wife is, and my BPDh also has been.

BPDh has recently said he's going to stay committed this time, and he knows he's had an issue with this. Guess what? I'm having trouble believing him. Why wouldn't I? I want to believe him, but I know his history. Just because he means it NOW, doesn't mean he won't revert, and start spouting threats, or feeling overwhelmed again. His committment to our marriage is always the first thing to go. He'll also hurt or offend me before he'd think of offending someone else, and forget standing up for me.

I agree with the poster that said to remember that actions speak louder than words. Actions are everything. My husband has had some actions lately that coincide with what he's saying, and that's good. Your wife, on the other hand, won't cut these guys out of her life, and she'd on vacation with one of them. Actions.

I'm sure you already know you deserve more than this.