Sadly I wish she'd make contact

[Scopikaz]

Well. Our last encounter didn't turn out good. We exchAnged a few words after i ran into her unexpectedly at a place I used to take her to for karaoke. She backed out of the concert with me. Now she's stopped playing trivia with me on the phone. 

So really I have no choice but to try to move on. I went to therapist yesterday.  She said if I do what I've always done in regards to the last few months of depression then I'll get what I've been getting. Which is nowhere and nothing.   So I've got to try something different. Rather than going home. Going right to bed and wallowing. I need to go to walk. Or to gym. Or something.

Anyhow. The thing is I desperately hope she will eventually contact me. But i don't think she ever will.

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

[gundam94]

I feel your pain. I am in the exact same position you are. I both do and don't want her to contact me.

I know it's hard to believe, I'll admit I have a hard time believing it myself... .but they are not happy.

[Turkish]

What your T said makes sense, and it sounds like you believe that.

Anyhow. The thing is I desperately hope she will eventually contact me. But i don't think she ever will.

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

Despite the late night phone call I received 3 weeks ago, where my ex was sobbing, basically, she's been back to happy and even perky. On some level, this seems unfair, but it's keeping me stuck on some levels.

We talk here about holding our pwBPD to the standard of we not being responsible for their feelings, but it goes the other way, too, no?

I think it's great that you are trying a new routine. You don't know what you don't know, so it's worth exploring... .

[WoundedBibi]

The thing is I desperately hope she will eventually contact me. But i don't think she ever will.

Do you mean just contact you or do you mean you want to get back together?

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

She SEEMS happy because she's trying to convince herself and everybody else she is. She isn't.

You feel miserable because you have lost your fix. Getting back together might bring back the high again. But for a shorter while than before. And a lesser high because there's an elephant in the room now. And then the issues return. Another breakup. And we're back at analyzing what happened, what's wrong with you, and feeling miserable. I know you know this    Just a reminder...

Life isn't fair. Being a good person doesn't mean only good things happen to you, or that suffering will bring you the ultimate reward of love. But if it seems fairer for you: she's miserable too. And stuck in being miserable and running from it, forever.

You don't have to feel miserable forever. You're not going to feel miserable forever. This too shall pass. And with the right work, this pattern and kind of relationship shall not be repeated either.

[Mutt]

Hi Scopikaz,

I'm sorry to hear that. Depression is tough. I suggest go to the gym and break a sweat. It will help with depression and anxiety symptoms.

[MapleBob]

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

She SEEMS happy because she's trying to convince herself and everybody else she is. She isn't.

That's exactly what I was going to say. I was fortunate enough to have pretty significant post-relationship contact with my ex for ten months, during which time I realized (and sometimes I forget this   ):

SHE. JUST. ISN'T. HAPPY.

Whatever you see on Facebook, however genuine their smile may be, or whatever awesome exciting things they're doing, they're just not happy. Would you post a picture of you crying late at night, or gnashing your teeth wondering why your emotions are so mixed-up? What you see/hear from them is edited. When people just aren't happy within themselves they come to relationships not as a whole person with the capacity to love and give, but as a person with a hole waiting to be filled and a soul waiting to be fixed. And you can't give that to them. Nobody can. And they'll hate you for it, because that idealization phase is all about "let's make each other so happy!" But it turns out, they're not unhappy with you, they're JUST. UNHAPPY.

That's one of the only things that makes every story on this board make sense: idealization (make me happy!) > splitting (you don't make me happy anymore, you jerk!) > discard/replace (now THIS ONE will make me happy!) ... .wash, rinse, repeat. Unless they take responsibility for their own happiness, and we do the same.

[HarleypsychRN]

I don't know if this will help anyone or not but... .I was reading the analogy of people with BPD/NPD as "emotional replicants" (see the movie Blade Runner). Please watch this movie. I had my "ah-ha" moment when I read that (and it's one of my favorite movies of all time as well). The way to tell a replicant from a real person (the only way) was their lack (total lack) of empathy. Sound familiar... it should.

[Nuitari]

I both do and don't want her to contact me.

Same here, and I don't understand that. I'm at a place now where I don't want to talk to her, and couldn't bring myself to talk to her if I had to.  And yet, when she does try to contact me, part of me happy knowing that she is thinking of me.  But at the same time this knowledge sets me back in my healing and makes things that much harder.

[Fox007]

I feel ya... .I'm in the same boat.

Been 5 days since our last communication. I'm happy he left the immediate area so only possible communication is on FB.

I have checked his page a few times which stirred the emotional pot.

I am weak at moments.

I hope he does and doesn't contact me. Does... .Doesn't

Not ready to un-friend or Block him yet. But not wanting

to get back with him in rational mode... .Fantasy land is other story.

I'm still thinking about how we can have that friendship, though I haven't heard of a successful case yet.

My rational and emotional thought processes are all scrambled.


Hang in there Scopi!

I want many of the same things as you do at this time.

... As many wise sages have said here repeatedly... .NC is best and time will heal, eventually.

At least that's what I keep repeating to myself.

[Heartbroken_guy]

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

Happy short term or happy long term! You will win the long term.

[Suzn]

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

“What do we call a story that’s based on limited real data and imagined data and blended into a coherent, emotionally satisfying version of reality? A conspiracy theory.”

― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

So I've got to try something different. Rather than going home. Going right to bed and wallowing. I need to go to walk. Or to gym. Or something.  

“The opposite of recognizing that we’re feeling something is denying our emotions. The opposite of being curious is disengaging. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away; instead, they own us, they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending—to rise strong, recognize our story, and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, Yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”

― Brené Brown, Rising Strong

Who are you, what do you like? Sit down and make a list of things that interest you. Push yourself to do at least one of the things on your list. Then maybe two... become busy.  

Happy, busy people attract happy, busy people. Even if for new friendships for starters. What are you going to do with this big beautiful life of yours Scopikaz?

[rfriesen]

Part of what drew me to my exBPDgf was precisely how energetic and happy she seemed. She radiated excitement and happiness. And I think she genuinely felt it in stretches. But once things got ugly, all her rage and misery started pouring out. She was actually capable of self-reflection sometimes, and once when I really pushed her on her cruel, callous behaviour, one of the things she admitted was that she'd always been able "to put on a good show", to draw people in with her laughter and jokes, but that she was so often miserable inside, that it was all a cover. Perhaps more insightful, she once said something like, "I've always been a bit of a dick. [Her words! ha, she could be pretty funny] I've always been sarcastic and liked to make fun of people. But at the end of the night, when the lights go down and I'm alone, I feel pretty miserable. In college when we'd go out drinking, I'd be cracking jokes all night and putting people down and loved making others laugh. But the day after, I'd sometimes spend all day going over the things I'd said and feeling down. Sometimes I'd avoid people for days afterwards."

Even at the beginning of our relationship, she told me that for the last year of her relationship with her fiancé, they could put on a great front for everyone, but it was utter misery at home. She said the day after her best friend's wedding, when everyone was gathering for brunch, her and her fiancé went out into a field and screamed at each other for an hour or so, then went to brunch and acted like a happy couple. Basically, there's a lot of things you can't see with couples that are struggling through that kind of relationship, unless you're "on the inside".

I can totally relate to feeling miserable and wondering if she's out, happy and excited with someone new. The truth is, she may very well be right now. We had tremendous highs together. But it's not stable. And the lows are terrible. I find it really hard to think about that at times. But when I'm in a better place, I genuinely hope for her to be happy some day. Just not that manic, insane, unstable happy that she keeps cycling through, because that comes with a core of real misery that she always returns to. I'd rather she learn to heal and find some kind of stability so that her relationships could have real meaning. It's really dark when I think of her misery -- the times when she tried to reach out from it and admitted to me how deeply depressed and despairing she gets have really scarred me. I don't like thinking of her happy and living the tremendous highs with someone new, but I also feel miserable thinking of her in the depths of her lows as well ... .ugh, one of the after-effects of this relationship for me has been that I seem to have been sucked into her world of extremes and I can't regain my own balance. Like I've internalised her highs and lows and ping pong between them ... .

[WoundedBibi]

... .ugh, one of the after-effects of this relationship for me has been that I seem to have been sucked into her world of extremes and I can't regain my own balance. Like I've internalised her highs and lows and ping pong between them ... .

You probably have. I don't remember what it's called, I tried to look for it in 'Lessons' but I got lost in the amount of info there. But it is a known effect that partners take over BPD behaviour from their (ex) SOs

[steelwork]

... .ugh, one of the after-effects of this relationship for me has been that I seem to have been sucked into her world of extremes and I can't regain my own balance. Like I've internalised her highs and lows and ping pong between them ... .

You probably have. I don't remember what it's called, I tried to look for it in 'Lessons' but I got lost in the amount of info there. But it is a known effect that partners take over BPD behaviour from their (ex) SOs

(fleas)

[Feelinstronger]

Many of us understand! After being dropped 7 times and always reuniting, I expected it the eighth time, but alas he was finished with me entirely, after 5 years.  Its been three months and I still cry over what I lost.  a few times he called or texted to go over separating our finances, but I did not answer.  I simply am unableto even look at him in church each week.   I think full separation takes a great deal of time- we simply have to suffer through it.  For me, NC is the ONLY way.  I wish you comfort and progress as time goes by.

[jhkbuzz]

She just seems so happy. And I'm so miserable. It just doesn't seem fair.

She SEEMS happy because she's trying to convince herself and everybody else she is. She isn't.

That's exactly what I was going to say. I was fortunate enough to have pretty significant post-relationship contact with my ex for ten months, during which time I realized (and sometimes I forget this   ):

SHE. JUST. ISN'T. HAPPY.

Whatever you see on Facebook, however genuine their smile may be, or whatever awesome exciting things they're doing, they're just not happy. Would you post a picture of you crying late at night, or gnashing your teeth wondering why your emotions are so mixed-up? What you see/hear from them is edited. When people just aren't happy within themselves they come to relationships not as a whole person with the capacity to love and give, but as a person with a hole waiting to be filled and a soul waiting to be fixed. And you can't give that to them. Nobody can. And they'll hate you for it, because that idealization phase is all about "let's make each other so happy!" But it turns out, they're not unhappy with you, they're JUST. UNHAPPY.

That's one of the only things that makes every story on this board make sense: idealization (make me happy!) > splitting (you don't make me happy anymore, you jerk!) > discard/replace (now THIS ONE will make me happy!) ... .wash, rinse, repeat. Unless they take responsibility for their own happiness, and we do the same.

THAT ^^^

[Penelope35]

... .ugh, one of the after-effects of this relationship for me has been that I seem to have been sucked into her world of extremes and I can't regain my own balance. Like I've internalised her highs and lows and ping pong between them ... .

You probably have. I don't remember what it's called, I tried to look for it in 'Lessons' but I got lost in the amount of info there. But it is a known effect that partners take over BPD behaviour from their (ex) SOs

(fleas)

I think this has happened to me too. It's still amazes me when i read stuff on this board and realise how similarly these relationships have impacted us... .

Steelwork your reply made me laugh