scared i have opened the can of worms again.

[lucylou]

Hi Everyone, I need advice please. Havent spoken to Npd Bpd mom in over 2.5 years. I have been progressing well and have been in a  good place for a while. I have been reading a book by Byron Katie called "Loving what is" and  doing "The Work". From this I realised I said things that were hurtful to  my mother and often blamed her unfairly. I decided to contact her to let her know that i love her and that i had to remove myself from the harmful behaviour in the family. I explained about Narcissism and she admitted that her own mother was "not quite right" and she "seemed" to take it all on board in a positive way. I aired all the situations that had been hurtful leading up to our estrangement. Basically I got it all off my chest because i feel it has been keeping me stuck and at the back of my mind i needed to say this so I could give us both closure. She did make a couple of nasty remarks, one implying my  husband was an alcoholic. I quickly brought her to book on it and said why did you need to say this? and she realised then she had not go away with it. And also she was quite hostile when I first called her up suggesting that I must be needing something. I put her straight on that too.  There were a few other remarks here and there but i rose above it and ignored them.

The next day I was concerned she would do what she usually does and just turn up on the doorstep like nothing has happened. So i sent her an easter card with a letter explaining that i was not ready to see her yet and i did not know when I would be ready. I encouraged her to learn about the effects of Narcissism and to understand that there had been a lot of betrayal in our family with back biting etc that had to stop before we could have any kind of relationship.

So a week has gone by since I sent the letter and yesterday I had a family emergency because my oldest daughter was very ill with a high temperature and chest infection. I had just arrived home after taking her to the doctors and was on the phone again to the nurse as her temperature had shot back up to a dangerous level. The door bell rang and my mother was there standing on the doorstep with her partner bearing gifts of easter eggs etc. Fortunately I was so distracted with caring for my daughters needs that I didnt react when she turned up. I waved her in and they sat talking to my husband and my other children whilst i attended to my daughter on the sofa .  I didnt say much to her  as really I feel like I have said everything that I have needed to say already. I am not angry any more and I do not need anything from her. I used to feel that I needed her to apologise but now I dont even need that. Everyone particularly Mom was on their best behaviour so it felt very superficial.  The last two times we have estranged and got back together it was the same way. She turns up unannounced brings presents, everyones all smiles, she comes the next time starts to revert to her old ways by making judgements and snipy remarks and by the third phone call or visit we are estranged again usually ending in me throwing her out the house. I can see it will go the same way again and in all honesty I only want to see her once a year, twice at a push  .

I am annoyed that she ignored my boundary that i didnt want to meet up yet. I was very clear in my letter about this boundary. Now she has stepped on my boundary I see it as a sense of entitlement to get her own needs met. I understand she was probably excited to see her Grandchildren again after a long time, however I feel if she has not gained any understanding of what has happened in our family we will just fight again . I am peaceful now and I aim to keep it that way. I do not need her to say sorry as I could tell from our phone call she feels a great deal of regret. She expressed her many regrets and I felt her sadness. I do think though its important for her own sake to understand what has happened in our family.  I dont know how to progress from here and if I really want to. I am already feeling engulfed now after she turned up uninvited  I would like to see her maybe once or twice a year and a phone call possibly every 3 months. That will be more than enough because I am enjoying healing and I do not want to be distracted by any drama. A few months back I went into a  spontaneous state of presence/mindulness. My mind just cleared of all thoughts and I was so peaceful and calm . It was very strange and I can only say it was by the grace of God. I believe it was all the suffering from the painful thoughts that forced a break in my consciousness. I have since been able to keep my thoughts under control and remain present for long periods at least when I am at home which has been wonderful.  I notice though that since meeting up with my moms energy my mind is using the old thought patterns to feed off this situation. I have had to work hard to bring myself back into the present moment. I also notice tightness and tension back in my body which has been very relaxed of late.I could use this situation to grow more and I will but i am still a work in progress and need to strengthen this new awareness.  I only  contacted her just  to touch base with her and say although I am not with her physically i  still loved her and that i was sorry for my own part in this estrangement. I felt i owed her that at least.I do not want to share any information about my life or my childrens lives with her as I know she becomes jealous or judgemental. I saw it yesterday when we were talking about my daughter  and that she was now a vegetarian. Mom and her partner began suggesting that it may have caused her illness and also she said that i bet i get fed up of cooking separate meals. It was not a surprise this reaction as they are obsessed with judging others and comparing etc and I understand its all the mind and the ego telling its story, however its still hard to listen too. I am trying to remain unaffected but its not always easy. I  also feel I have absolutely nothing in common with them anymore because my focus and beliefs about life have changed. My old personality has died and now i am rebuilding my life and learning who my true self is.  I dont want to get held back by old patterns of behaviour as that is all the past and she still sees me in those terms. So how can I be a compassionate person both to her and myself without losing peace and maintaining balance.?  I dont think she will adhere to boundaries either so i can see this might be an issue. Is it alright if i do not see her too often?  Any  advice would be welcome.         

[Kwamina]

Hi lucylou

How is your oldest daughter doing now? I hope she's feeling better today.

I dont want to get held back by old patterns of behaviour as that is all the past and she still sees me in those terms. So how can I be a compassionate person both to her and myself without losing peace and maintaining balance.?  I dont think she will adhere to boundaries either so i can see this might be an issue. Is it alright if i do not see her too often?  Any  advice would be welcome.          

Whether your mom adheres to boundaries are not, isn't something you can control. I think the most important thing is that you have a clear view of what your values and boundaries are and are ready and willing to defend/enforce those boundaries.

You were dealing with a sick child and to me it makes sense that your daughter was your number one priority. Also having to deal with the drama your mom and her partner might have caused if you turned them away, really isn't something you need when attending to your sick child.

Though you let your mom and her partner in this time, this however does not have to mean that you just have to keep doing it. Depending on how things develop from this point, I think it might be necessary/helpful for you to just have another clear and honest discussion with your mother. If too much contact with her makes you uncomfortable, you have the right to take steps to protect yourself and limit the level of contact.

What you describe about mindfulness sounds awesome! You've made significant progress

[lucylou]

Hi Kwamina, Thank you for the advice. Daughter is a lot better after taking meds thanks for asking  Yes I can see it clearly now that I must be the one to enforce any boundaries and keep to it in the future and know specifically what i need from this relationship.  She phoned again last night which i guessed would happen. It is the third phone call in a week as well as the visit and I feel completely fed up with it already. I suspected it would happen this way as she does this everytime. I did not sleep  well at all last night, maybe less than 2 hours as my thoughts  went into overdrive and I could not get them back under control. It is the first time in 3 months that its happened so i can notice the difference. I have tried the reconciliation and i am glad as i can see that i still need to step away from this relationship and continue learning to practice meditation and mindfulness as a way of getting stronger. I am not fully healed yet.The pain body as Eckhart Tolle puts it was having a wonderful feast last night on my thoughts so now I will starve it again :D  hopefully my mind will settle back to how it was by tonight. Thank you for your advice as always Kwamina.

[Starting_Over]

Were you apologizing for things that you did as an adult? I don't think you should need to apologize for anything that happened as a child. In my opinion, we become responsible to realize what is healthy after 18, and I think it it is fair to judge children for believing their parents toxic lies. Also, I think the need to apologize depends on the situation. I did not apologize for accidentally talking about a trip that my dad could not go (for medical reasons), because he called me the b word instead of explaining his feelings. I also would not apologize for sneezing, because he threatened to kill me if he got sick. However, I would apologize if I crossed what I consider healthy boundaries. My point is that you should make sure you only apologize for things that you did that were unhealthy, because apologizing for things that were a normal reaction actually weakens your boundaries.