Misuse of Boundaries? Or not?

[Welgrow]

This week has been difficult for me because I felt the need to distance myself from a friend. I went out with him on St Patty's Day to meet a girl he likes. Upon meeting her there was an obvious dislike between us. She seemed to want the conversation to stay focused on her, and got annoyed whenever I tried to join in. She started being rude and confrontational with me, and I decided to not back down. I felt like I needed to stick up for myself and not let this person cower me. My ego was definitely involved. I refused to back down from her slights, although I wasn't trying to cut her down or insult her.

Anyways, I left that night about 10-15 minutes after she and I started bickering. I apologized to my friend for interfering with his chances with her and I went home. Then I didn't hear from my friend for nearly a week. I had the feeling that he was self centered, but tried to blow it off because I'm pretty sensitive following my BPD breakup. The more I thought about St Patty's Night the more I started getting resentful towards him for not sticking up for me when she started attacking, and then for ignoring me for a week. When he finally contacted me I immediately confronted him about my feelings and his behaviors (I'm not good at that), and he became extremely defensive and even insulting. I realize that as a codependent I tend to take on my friends fights as my own.

I guess I have a skewed sense of friendship, because I honestly believe that I would have stuck up for him even if it meant me losing my chance with the gal. I would have probably left when he left, and I definitely would have checked with him the next day. I would not have blown him off for a week. I ended the friendship as a result of that. I'm feeling really lonely and strangely missing my BPD ex right now. It seems that I have a broken picker for friendships too.

[once removed]

hey welgrow 

can you elaborate on the exchange between the two of you? it might help to break this down.

[Welgrow]

With the exchange with my friend... .He texted me after a week and was feeling bad about his life and wanted me to hang out with him. I replied that I had a bone to pick with him regarding how I felt that he didn't back me up and then blew me off for a woman. I said that it sparked some childhood feelings and that I didn't like it. He replied by saying that he didn't get how this had anything to do with him. He claimed that it was all my problem and that I was the one who got in an argument with "some random chick"... .This was a gal that he has tried to date for awhile but who has blown him off a number of times. He also said that I was being selfish, which made no sense to me. I replied that we were only at that bar so he could meet up with this gal. I said that I had apologized for letting it get out of hand with the argument. I said that I was bothered because he didn't seem interested in sticking up for me when the woman misunderstood and took offense to something I said. I told him that I felt friends would have stuck up for one another and a friend would have definitely checked up on his buddy the next day. He responded with more of the same talk about it being my problem and not his. He said that he didn't hook up with her (I didn't care whether he did or not). He said that he thinks I hate women because of what my ex did to me. He said that he refused to "walk on eggshells" with me, and that he's a good friend and doesn't need any of this crap from me. All this seemed out of place to me. It seemed like he was responding to someone elses argument. I didn't see how I was hating women or forcing him to walk on eggshells. The eggshell thing took me off guard because it's often how we describe our relationships with our BPDs. He seemed to be over reacting to a boundary or me calling into question his lack of concern for me and my well being. I seem to consistently pick friends who share this lack of reciprocation of concern.

[once removed]

it hasnt been very long since a painful breakup welgrow. things are probably still pretty raw and you may be feeling vulnerable. friends are important to have in this time. i lost a number of friends after my breakup, some of them needlessly, some of them for the better. is this a friend worth losing, and is the situation worth losing him over?

[Welgrow]

Those are great questions. I don't have answers beyond knowing that I don't want people who aren't willing to be concerned with me. I just got out of a relationship like that.

[once removed]

I realize that as a codependent I tend to take on my friends fights as my own.

when you say you dont want people who arent willing to be concerned with you, do you expect your friends to take on your fights as their own?

[Welgrow]

Perhaps I do. It's been making me call into question about my expectations, morals and values regarding friendship. I made a correlation between friends and reenacting an early childhood experience where my dad left us and hooked up with another woman. I remember the feeling and it's the same. I think I've learned to subconsciously pick friends who I will inevitably end up competing for their attention. I've asked a lot of people what they feel about a similar scenario, and most of them seem to think they'd stick up for their friend. I just realize that I tend to choose friends with narcissistic traits. So I don't think I need friends to fight my battles for me, because no one ever has fought my battles for me. I would, however, like to seek friendships where I feel supported through my battles instead of abandoned. Does that make sense?

[WoundedBibi]

I've asked a lot of people what they feel about a similar scenario, and most of them seem to think they'd stick up for their friend. I just realize that I tend to choose friends with narcissistic traits. So I don't think I need friends to fight my battles for me, because no one ever has fought my battles for me. I would, however, like to seek friendships where I feel supported through my battles instead of abandoned. Does that make sense?

Feeling supported by friends is important, so yes, that makes sense.

Of course there is a difference between the typ of friendship you have when you're younger or (a bit) older. For example children tend to get involved in disagreements because they're friend is. "You're having a row with Harry. I'm your friend. I'm now having a row with Harry too". They will stick up for their friend regardless if the friend is right or not. The friends of my ex are all waaayyyyyy past 18 but still live according to this principle. They are enablers. They will tell my ex what he wants to hear not what he needs to hear, and believe anything he says about me. Anything not to confront him.

My friends would come to help me if someone verbally attacked me, trying to get in between and separate us. But they would tell me, in private, if I said or did something wrong. Or the other party. Depending on who was being unreasonable, aggressive, or whatever the reason was this tiff started. They would probably speak to both, as both are people they care about. This is a more mature way of handling a conflict. They don't choose sides and form their own opinion.

Of course this was a different situation in the sense that you were his wing woman. He wanted to hook up with this girl and all of a sudden the girl and the wing woman are going at each other. If he feels he needs to take sides and can't just step in in a more mature way, he has a dilemma. If you sides with you, he can forget about ever hooking up with this girl. If he sides with her, the friendship is going to get damaged. So as I understand he did what he thought was best, no knowing which to choose, he did nothing.

[once removed]

Perhaps I do. It's been making me call into question about my expectations, morals and values regarding friendship. I made a correlation between friends and reenacting an early childhood experience where my dad left us and hooked up with another woman. I remember the feeling and it's the same.

this is a trigger. important to be self aware of our triggers and how we respond to them, or not.

it does make sense. we arent privy to the exchange between you and the woman in this scenario so rendering judgment on who was right and wrong isnt really possible.

i will reiterate that things right now are very raw. as you said, you may be feeling sensitive and vulnerable, as well as easily triggered. or, youve reached a reasonable conclusion that this is not the friend for you. or both. in a raw state its really hard to have a clear sight of. what you will need to decide is whether this is worth losing this friend over. you dont have to burn bridges here either. i have friends i cant count on in certain areas, but i can in others. i try to navigate accordingly, and manage my expectations, keep certain friends at a certain distance.

[Welgrow]

I respect what you guys are saying and agree with a lot of it. However, I feel that this friendship was based on another unhealthy axiom. I met him just after breaking up with my BPD ex. He and I became instant bros... .The more I look at it the more it seems like I befriended a narcissist replacement for my ex. I looked at his behaviors and although he may not fit into the BPD mould, he certainly fit in the narcissistic end of the spectrum. I noticed this about him as I was learning about my role in the BPD relationship. I may be blowing this out of proportion, but I feel that I need to cut people out of my life who aren't capable of operating in a healthy range on the continuum of self. I gave him the opportunity to talk about it. I set a boundary by saying that his behaviors bothered me and he responded with rage and insults. I know you guys weren't there to witness these interchanges, and I know that I'm not perfect or faultless in this. I was hoping that someone else here has read "the human magnet syndrome" and may have experience in growing towards being in the healthier range on the continuum of self... .Any thoughts on that?

[once removed]

ive not read the human magnet syndrome, but i have taken steps in improving my relationships (friends and family) as well as distancing myself from others. i have a much better idea these days of where i begin and others end, if thats what youre asking. no one in my life is perfect, but ive found that learning things like boundaries, communication techniques like validation, SET, and BIFF, avoiding negative triangulation, etc, has limited drama and boosted fulfillment.

I respect what you guys are saying and agree with a lot of it. However, I feel that this friendship was based on another unhealthy axiom. I met him just after breaking up with my BPD ex. He and I became instant bros... .The more I look at it the more it seems like I befriended a narcissist replacement for my ex.

im personally biased against basing new relationships (friendships or romantic) on this dynamic. when things wind down, you may find less in common, less to talk about, and the minute one of you lets the other down, it can really heighten hurt feelings. it happened multiple times to me, and as i said, i lost a handful of friends. in retrospect that was okay. people you deem unhealthy to you should be kept at some distance. but a healthier you attracts healthier people.

ability to navigate difficult/challenging personalities is a quality of a well adjusted self