My FOO issues

[blackbirdsong]

Hi,

I haven't post here for a while.

During this period I am regulary in therapy.

I went to therapy thinking that I need to resolve the breakup with my exGF (and boy, was I wrong... .)

After the breakup that I have initiated, we were in contact one month later, talked about our r/s, I even got pretty good closure regarding that. I realized my traits and admitted that to her, she was very grateful because of that. She is also aware of her problems.

She wanted to continue our r/s, I said that I am currently not in a good emotional place, resolving my personal issues and that I am too vulnerable for this. She accepted this, we texted few more days, and then we started NC (not that we talked about this, it just happened) that lasts 2 months now.

Anyway, like I said I am in therapy.  In this therapy I pretty much got clear picture what happened in our relationship but I also realized that there is specific blueprint regarding my FOO issues that explain why all this happened.

My father is very narcisstic person, so my whole life, I also simulated this toxic relationship. He is very impulsive, and impacted hugely on my whole family.

The reason why I acted in a so codependent way in my relationship was because of him.

I have very mixed feelings toward him now when I realized this (It is unbelievable that I am admitting this to myself just now). One part of me wants to hate him, but other part of me is aware that his personality is formed in his family that was very toxic, even worse than mine/ours.

Did you experience something simar? How do you handle these feelings?

Also, how does this relate to your feelings toward your exSO?

For example, in some strange way I feel now even more connected to her because of our childhood traumas. Maybe not in a way that I want a r/s with her because I think that would be like two blind persons trying to lead a way in an unknown street, but my empathy toward her is more stronger, like I realize now what she is going through and to say her that I still care, even we are!not ready for any relationship.

[Mutt]

Hi blackbirdsong,

It sounds like you're making strides in therapy. I can relate with FOO and realizing after the break-up that I had unresolved emotional wounds from childhood. I understand now that my father had a difficult childhood, experienced life events that are unresolved.  There were periods in my healing where I had a lot of empathy for my ex and what she was going through, I realized that I was putting myself on the backburner and it leveled off later. Everyone's experience is different.

She is also aware of her problems.

Was she in therapy?

[blackbirdsong]

Hi blackbirdsong,

It sounds like you're making strides in therapy. I can relate with FOO and realizing after the break-up that I had unresolved emotional wounds from childhood. I understand now that my father had a difficult childhood, experienced life events that are unresolved.  There were periods in my healing where I had a lot of empathy for my ex and what she was going through, I realized that I was putting myself on the backburner and it leveled off later. Everyone's experience is different.

She is also aware of her problems.

Was she in therapy?

Yes. Two years. But I don't think she fully accepts all the BPD symptoms. She only mentioned BPD once in our conversation but she stated that she doesn't fully  see it. She always talks about anxiety, depression, abandonment fears (which hurt other people, she admits that) as therapy reasons.

[Mutt]

Hi blackbirdsong,

It sounds like you're making strides in therapy. I can relate with FOO and realizing after the break-up that I had unresolved emotional wounds from childhood. I understand now that my father had a difficult childhood, experienced life events that are unresolved.  There were periods in my healing where I had a lot of empathy for my ex and what she was going through, I realized that I was putting myself on the backburner and it leveled off later. Everyone's experience is different.

She is also aware of her problems.

Was she in therapy?

Yes. Two years. But I don't think she fully accepts all the BPD symptoms. She only mentioned BPD once in our conversation but she stated that she doesn't fully  see it. She always talks about anxiety, depression, abandonment fears (which hurt other people, she admits that) as therapy reasons.

Is she diagnosed with BPD or a mood disorder? Two years is a significant amount of time, good for her that she went to therapy, did she find it helpful? Anxiety and depression are widely accepted, BPD carries a stigma, maybe she doesn't want people to reject her because she has BPD traits? She doesn't fully see it, maybe there will be circumstances later on in life where she may fully see it or maybe she will never fully see it. At present, this is who she is. Have you thought about accepting her for who she is?

[blackbirdsong]

Hi blackbirdsong,

It sounds like you're making strides in therapy. I can relate with FOO and realizing after the break-up that I had unresolved emotional wounds from childhood. I understand now that my father had a difficult childhood, experienced life events that are unresolved.  There were periods in my healing where I had a lot of empathy for my ex and what she was going through, I realized that I was putting myself on the backburner and it leveled off later. Everyone's experience is different.

She is also aware of her problems.

Was she in therapy?

Yes. Two years. But I don't think she fully accepts all the BPD symptoms. She only mentioned BPD once in our conversation but she stated that she doesn't fully  see it. She always talks about anxiety, depression, abandonment fears (which hurt other people, she admits that) as therapy reasons.

Is she diagnosed with BPD or a mood disorder? Two years is a significant amount of time, good for her that she went to therapy, did she find it helpful? Anxiety and depression are widely accepted, BPD carries a stigma, maybe she doesn't want people to reject her because she has BPD traits? She doesn't fully see it, maybe there will be circumstances later on in life where she may fully see it or maybe she will never fully see it. At present, this is who she is. Have you thought about accepting her for who she is?

Yes, she says that she saw a great progress comparing her state before. To be honest, I am glad that I haven't met her before.

She said that her T claims she has BPD.

Also, I posted this on Detaching board because of question regarding how to handle increased emotional closeness with her because of my FOO issues.

I think that we cannot continue our relationship considering our current emotional states. But I would be lying if I say that there is no hope in me that one day we would be healthier... .

It is messed up... .

[HurtinNW]

I can relate to this. I have a great deal of empathy and compassion for my ex. This has increased as I take accountability for my role in their relationship, including my FOO issues.

I have trouble feeling I am abandoning people who are hurting. Part of this may be co-dependence, but I think another part is genuine care and optimism. I've seen the other side of change and feel a lot of hope for people. For instance I adopted my kids from foster care and even though we had some really tough years, I was dedicated to helping them heal, and the transformations have been so wonderful and fulfilling. So it is hard for me to feel I am giving up on someone. My kids are the same way. They've really stuck in there for each other.

But it is different between kids and partners. For example my oldest son came to me with serious attachment issues. I engaged him in lots of therapy, did floor time with him, devoted years to his healing. It worked, and today he is a wonderfully kind, amazing young man.

But here's the difference for me: when my son raged it didn't trigger me. I was able to handle it. I knew it was about his abuse history with his birth family. I could take a parenting role and help him.

When my ex raged it did trigger me, and badly. I was not able to take a parenting role with him. He would have rejected it if I had. My ex is that same child as a 50 plus year old man who has built up layers of machinations to deflect, avoid and otherwise "protect" himself. I am not able to play the role of a parent with him.

It sounds to me your ex is engaged in therapy and trying, which is so wonderful. But it also sounds like you have a clear-eyed understanding that neither of you are in a place to help each other. Letting her continue her path to healing is not the same as abandoning her or giving up hope. I also get how dealing with these FOO issues stirs up a lot of feelings. I'm identifying a lot of anger lately, not at my mother as much as my toxic siblings who enabled her.

Are you sure your feelings are about closeness with her, or are they about commonality? Because in my opinion those are two different things. We can be careful not to let our empathy lead us down the path of doing things that are unhealthy and unproductive for us.