Exgf texted me after 8 months

[Bigmd]

Well last night at around 10 pm my exgf of 8 months texted me. I responded too , probably shouldnt have. Anyway I was in complete shock. Never expected to hear from her again. It's been 6 months no contact. I posted in detaching but got the usual responses. I'm posting here because there is a part of me that would like to at least get together and talk.

Her: not sure if this is the right thing to do or not but just wondering how you are doing.

Me after 20 mins: hey I'm ok , how about you?

Her: I'm fine thanks, don't want to bother you if your working.

Anyway we went on, she asked me about my daughter and I asked about hers. Just light convo I never mentioned the relationship. After about 45 mins she said glad we were able to talk and said goodnight. So crazy, I was literally flustered and shaking. Couldn't concentrate on anything. What the hell was that, why after 8 months?

And now after I kinda start liking someone? Ughhh I can't take this. It didn't affect me like I thought it would and I'm not over anillyzing the conversation. I do however  keep thinking about it more and more as the days go on. To the point I might want to text her.

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[MapleBob]

I think this kind of behavior is super common with a pwBPD. They're never quite "gone": they'll think about you months or years later and, because they're impulsive, they'll break no contact just for the hell of it (or because they're lonely, or sad, or ruminating), thinking that "enough time has passed" or whatever. It's not really an attempt to reengage necessarily, it's just them checking their options, testing the waters, or attention-seeking.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Bigmd,

You seem to be questioning why you are reacting so strongly to the renewed contact after all that time apart when you thought you were making so much progress.

I've been in this same position myself recently. Bumping into my BPDxbf renewed all the longing and reactivated my obsession with him, almost as if the interim period of separation hadn't taken place. You're not unusual in your response. To me, it indicated that things were nowhere near as resolved as I had thought they were.

The question is what you want to do about it. I renewed contact and am now going through all the reasons it needed to end in the first place yet again. I wish I'd thought before I jumped back in because I have found that if I ignore the urge to reconnect long enough, that urge passes and the obsessional thoughts go away. May I suggest you make a pros and cons list of being in a relationship with your ex before you make contact? It might change your perspective. If you give yourself time for any cPTSD reactions to subside, the situation may take care of itself. It may also be time for plenty of distraction... .

Love Lifewriter

[Bigmd]

Thanks guys. I have a distraction as I'm kinda seeing someone. But as I found out I'm not over my ex and am still curious if we could reconnect. Although I know it could be detrimental to me. Righ now it's been 4 days and I'm kinda sitting back. But I have thought about texting her. After all it has worked in the past when I was married. I know for sure that the story is not over and this was most likely a feeler. I never brought up the relationship though.

[Bigmd]

Quick update. I texted her this afternoon to see if I can text her later tonite. My thinking was I'll test the waters myself. if she ignores or says no than I move on like I've been. But she said yes to text her. I know this is prob wrong but the moment I heard from her I kinda knew the door was opening again.

[MapleBob]

Quick update. I texted her this afternoon to see if I can text her later tonite. My thinking was I'll test the waters myself. if she ignores or says no than I move on like I've been. But she said yes to text her. I know this is prob wrong but the moment I heard from her I kinda knew the door was opening again.

What are you going to say to her?

[Bigmd]

That's a good queation. Nothing about the past for now. Just keep it light. Build off of that

[MapleBob]

That's a good queation. Nothing about the past for now. Just keep it light. Build off of that

That sounds like a good plan! But you should also think about what you'll do if she brings that stuff up. Know your boundaries about that. Otherwise, keep your expectations low, stay cool, and validate.

[Bigmd]

Thanks I'm very nervous. I doubt she will bring anything up. This is usually how it happened when I was married. Except not this much time in between. I'm assuming she opened door on purpose . We shall see. Never thought I would be in this situation

[MapleBob]

Thanks I'm very nervous. I doubt she will bring anything up. This is usually how it happened when I was married. Except not this much time in between. I'm assuming she opened door on purpose . We shall see. Never thought I would be in this situation

Yeah, I'd be shocked if I heard from mine too! I'm interested to see how this goes... . 

[Bigmd]

Well I was . I had written her off and was moving on. I'm a ball of nerves right now. At her angriest 3 years  ago we broke up. I was still married. She told me it was over for sure. Months went by maybe 3. I texted her from FL while n vacation . The door opened again.

[Bigmd]

         Ok we talked last night through text. It didn't go bad. I told her I was surprised to hear from her Thursday. She said she just wanted to know how I was doing. She wanted to text before that but didn't think it was right time. It was just light convo. At one point she said I needed to be happy with myself before I could make others happy. Wasn't sure what she meant by that but than she said she wasn't placing blame and didn't want to bring up the past. She said mentally we both were in different places at he time. Not sure about that either. She was the one with all the stress. Anyway after all that we texted for about an hour. Eventually I asked if she was up for us to start talking again. She said yes that would be ok. I then asked if maybe we can do coffee. She replied with maybe eventually.

          I think it went ok . We haven't talked in 6 months. I'll admit I have a little anxiety today.

[Lifewriter16]

If your BPDx is anything like mine, prepare for things to start speeding up at a ridiculous rate of knots from here on in... .

Has anyone else got any advice as to how to keep things at a reasonable pace once the attachment reasserts itself?

Lifewriter x

[Bigmd]

Life writer how do you mean? I have so many things running through my mind. A part of me wants to just pour my feelings out, maybe a letter. A part wants to run from the situation because I'm a little angry I went down this road. A part of me also wants to ask her straight up if there can be anything again. If she said no I'm confident I would have no problem moving on.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Bigmd.

Life writer how do you mean? I have so many things running through my mind. A part of me wants to just pour my feelings out, maybe a letter. A part wants to run from the situation because I'm a little angry I went down this road. A part of me also wants to ask her straight up if there can be anything again. If she said no I'm confident I would have no problem moving on.

Here's how NOT to do it from my very recent experience of re-connecting with my BPDxbf. Unfortunately, I can't tell you a better way:

I bumped into my BPDxbf on 11th March. It was the anniversary of our recycles commencing and I was very tearful and upset. He comforted me and suggested that we could meet up every Friday, as 'friends' with 'no expectations' upon either side but with the hope that if we took it slowly it could develop into something 'special' over time.

When we parted, I immediately went into obsessional mode. I couldn't stop thinking about him or checking my emails. I became a mad woman because he wasn't replying to me and I thought he'd still got my email address blocked. Eventually, he made contact and we met for that 'no expectations' coffee on 18th March. I tried to play it cool because that's what he said he wanted. As it turned out, I felt rejected by him cutting the meeting unnecessarily short and he felt rejected by me being 'cold' towards him. We sent numerous emails to sort this misunderstanding out and then agreed to meet for a drink on 22nd March and ended up in bed. On the 25th, he spent the night at my house and declared this could be it, we could be spending the rest of our lives together.

So we have, 'no expectations' to 'together forever' in the space on 2 weeks and only 4 meetings. We are now very clearly on the BPD seesaw (and to be clear, I'm on it with him). He is already getting angry and telling me what's wrong with me. I am dreading hearing from him, wanting to distance myself from him again. The rollercoaster became well and truly established within a space of 2 weeks. And it took both of us to allow that to happen.

I can't speak for you, or for others, but I would say, don't underestimate the power of the attachments that form with pwBPD, their neediness or your own neediness, for that matter... .

I hope that answers your question.

Love Lifewriter

[C.Stein]

        Ok we talked last night through text. It didn't go bad. I told her I was surprised to hear from her Thursday. She said she just wanted to know how I was doing. She wanted to text before that but didn't think it was right time. It was just light convo. At one point she said I needed to be happy with myself before I could make others happy. Wasn't sure what she meant by that but than she said she wasn't placing blame and didn't want to bring up the past. She said mentally we both were in different places at he time. Not sure about that either. She was the one with all the stress. Anyway after all that we texted for about an hour. Eventually I asked if she was up for us to start talking again. She said yes that would be ok. I then asked if maybe we can do coffee. She replied with maybe eventually.

          I think it went ok . We haven't talked in 6 months. I'll admit I have a little anxiety today.

My honest interpretation of this ... .excuses and subtle blame shifting.  These are the same kind of excuses I would here from my ex so she could avoid taking responsibility for her choices/actions/behavior.  

[Bigmd]

I hear you guys loud and clear. I know this is a dangerous game , but I didn't have to play if I didn't want to. Maybe it's my curiosity or seeking a sense of closure. C. Stein I agree. She always played the blame game. I went into the convo not trying to bring up anything of past. She brought it up. The funny thing is she said she wasn't trying to place blame . If anyone has an opinion on what to do next I would like to hear it.

[C.Stein]

I hear you guys loud and clear. I know this is a dangerous game , but I didn't have to play if I didn't want to. Maybe it's my curiosity or seeking a sense of closure. C. Stein I agree. She always played the blame game. I went into the convo not trying to bring up anything of past. She brought it up. The funny thing is she said she wasn't trying to place blame . If anyone has an opinion on what to do next I would like to hear it.

I might think the fact she said that (see bold) would indicate that is exactly what she is doing within her own mind.

What you do is your choice (and risk) and yours alone, however I think you are well aware the outcome of any reconciliation will likely land you back on this board eventually.  My recommendation would be whatever you do make sure it comes from a place of rational and logical thought, not emotional/physical.  You have spent enough time on this board to know if she has not sought help for her own personal well being then chances are better than not the next round will be the same or worse than the first.

[Bigmd]

Yea c. Stein I'm well aware of what could happen although I think knowing what I know , I'll be able to handle it better. Do you think I should text her today?

[C.Stein]

Do you think I should text her today?

For what purpose and what would you say?

[Grey Kitty]

This is an interesting situation... .I'm stumped on what you should do next, because I'm not clear on what outcome you actually want.

Do you want to recycle and go back to whatever things were like with her before she left? (See LW's description of that two weeks in!)

Do you want to re-connect with her as a friend and person in your life, but not restart romantically with her?

Do you want to try to re-start a romantic relationship with her that is different from how it was before? And if so, what differences do you want? ("Not being abused by her" is kindof a given, but not the kind of answer that will help you)

[Bigmd]

C.S. Im not sure . Maybe just a hey how's your day. My therapist said hold off for a few days. Grey Kitty I definately would want a relationship without the rage and ST's. I'm not sure if that could happen. But if we could meet up it would be a nice first step.

[C.Stein]

I definately would want a relationship without the rage and ST's. I'm not sure if that could happen.

I would caution you to be realistic in your expectations.  

[MapleBob]

"Nice chatting with you last night, let's do it again some time soon," would be the most I would personally say. But either way I'd let her make the next move. Don't get ahead of yourself!

[Grey Kitty]

I definately would want a relationship without the rage and ST's.

Yes, of course you want this, but when you state it that way, you are (effectively) saying this:

"I want her to fix the relationship we had before."

Which to me looks like a recipe to exactly repeat what you had before, complete with the same rage and ST.

On the Improving board one of my favorite sayings was "Nothing changes without changes." I believe that--if you don't do anything differently, the relationship won't be any different.

What changes are YOU committing to make to this relationship should it re-start?

[Bigmd]

Guys I know I'm hoping against hope. I'm letting my heart make decisions here. I've come so far and thought I was ok only to find myself in this position. All because of one text from her. I truly lover her and would love to be together. I'm not sure it could ever happen. Grey Kitty I've been in therapy for years. Althought I have been going at least once a week since the break up. I have underlying issues as well that go back to child hood and not wanting to disappoint my parents. I'm definately working on myself. I'm not without my faults. But I would have gave her the world. If she told me today she didn't want to talk I would be ok with it , really. But the fact that she opened the door has given me a little hope. I'm probably over analyzing it all.

[Grey Kitty]

Bigmd, I'm not trying to talk you out of trying again.

I am trying to suggest that if you want this to go better, you would do well to plan on some changes.

One possibility would be forcing this to go slowly.

pwBPD tend toward black and white thinking, so once she stops painting you black, she will paint you white, want to move back in and resume everything as "normal", and start pulling you in as hard as she can once the pushing you away stops.

You can insist that you will stick to being friendly and dating only for a while to see if you are strong enough to deal with the inevitable rages or silent treatment.

Not texting her all day every day. Not seeing her six nights a week. Not moving her back in or moving in with her.

Those things would be a lot more appropriate gradually building over months.

[Lifewriter16]

An addendum to my previous post:

Two weeks in and my BPDbf has just ended it. Do you really want that rollercoaster?

Having said that, I always needed to learn the hard way. I could never be told... .

Love Lifewriter

[MapleBob]

Yeah Bigmd, I think you're hearing a lot of "slow your roll" here, and that's a sentiment that comes from experience.

Can you tell us more about the talk last night? Where's she at in life right now?

[Bigmd]

Life writer I know that's a possibility. I probably don't need it in my life right now. Like you I may need to learn the hard way.

Maple Bob she's still working at the daycare I met her at. Still in same house. From what I can tell everything is the same and I'm assuming she's alone. I do remember her alimony ends this year too .

Grey Kitty I know your not trying to do that. I was just kinda wondering do I leave the ball in her court so to speak? Just sit back and wait or was thinking of sending a text later. I was thinking about asking her about how she feels about us talking again.