Tickets for Child’s Activity Falling on My Night

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

ExNPDBPDw contacted me today with a laundry list of activities that have arisen for the following two weeks.  One of which is a concert at the local HS, his viola teacher had provided ex with two tickets.  The issue, the concert falls on my night.  So ex asks if I would mind picking S10 up that night and taking him to the concert.  She goes on to say that S8 already doesn’t want to go.

So my response, I ask why I wouldn’t just go with S10 as the activity falls on my night.  Seems simple.  Seems like a nice thing to enjoy with your child.

Ex comes back with the guilt, that she is “flexible” with me, like when I ask her to take the kids when I have to travel for work, etc.  Her idea of flexibility, getting more time with the kids.  At no time has she given up her time with the kids to give them to me, but expects me to give up this time for an enjoyable activity.

She goes on to say, “Don’t worry about it, you can take him, but I’m going to sue the tickets.”  Meaning, I can pay for my own tickets, but she’s going to go herself on that night when I’ll be there with S10.  So again I am faced with a no win proposition and the prospect of being out to be the bad guy.   

So what to do, what would be an acceptable resolution to this?  Just give in? 

Some background on the viola and other music related stuff.  Ex had last year arranged viola lessons without discussing with me, conveniently they coincided with a social skills class during the week I had put S10 in.  I eventually threw this over and got him into the classes.  Only to have ex conveniently at times, not take him, and it would turnout to be another waste of time and no benefit to S10. 

So now she has him take the viola lessons at her house, would not give me the instructors contact info to arrange lessons at my house.  S10, when asked by me, has not interest in the lessons at my house and even claims to not want the lessons.  But, S10 will call from ex’s house and face time with me showing me how he can play the viola. 

I have other examples – my hypothesis is that S10 has become conditioned to only do certain things at mom’s house, and not at dad’s, to only wear the clothes that mom buys him even when at dad’s, to not like the food cooked at dad’s, but to talk about the food he eats at mom’s, etc, etc...

[scraps66]

ExNPDBPDw contacted me today with a laundry list of activities that have arisen for the following two weeks.  One of which is a concert at the local HS, his viola teacher had provided ex with two tickets.  The issue, the concert falls on my night.  So ex asks if I would mind picking S10 up that night and taking him to the concert.  She goes on to say that S8 already doesn’t want to go.

So my response, I ask why I wouldn’t just go with S10 as the activity falls on my night.  Seems simple.  Seems like a nice thing to enjoy with your child.

Ex comes back with the guilt, that she is “flexible” with me, like when I ask her to take the kids when I have to travel for work, etc.  Her idea of flexibility, getting more time with the kids.  At no time has she given up her time with the kids to give them to me, but expects me to give up this time for an enjoyable activity.

She goes on to say, “Don’t worry about it, you can take him, but I’m going to sue the tickets.”  Meaning, I can pay for my own tickets, but she’s going to go herself on that night when I’ll be there with S10.  So again I am faced with a no win proposition and the prospect of being out to be the bad guy.   

So what to do, what would be an acceptable resolution to this?  Just give in? 

Some background on the viola and other music related stuff.  Ex had last year arranged viola lessons without discussing with me, conveniently they coincided with a social skills class during the week I had put S10 in.  I eventually threw this over and got him into the classes.  Only to have ex conveniently at times, not take him, and it would turnout to be another waste of time and no benefit to S10. 

So now she has him take the viola lessons at her house, would not give me the instructors contact info to arrange lessons at my house.  S10, when asked by me, has not interest in the lessons at my house and even claims to not want the lessons.  But, S10 will call from ex’s house and face time with me showing me how he can play the viola. 

I have other examples – my hypothesis is that S10 has become conditioned to only do certain things at mom’s house, and not at dad’s, to only wear the clothes that mom buys him even when at dad’s, to not like the food cooked at dad’s, but to talk about the food he eats at mom’s, etc, etc...

[Nope]

Two points:

1. Unless otherwise stipulated, both parents are allowed to attend all events the child participates in.

2. You can use the event as an opportunity to get contact information for the instructor. If your ex is anything like my DH's ex, I can almost guarantee you'll never have to worry about viola lessons again, as she'll pull him.

[scraps66]

Nope, thanks for your perspective.  I unfortunately know we are both permitted to attend activities.  I was unclear, this is not S10s activity, these are tickets for a concert at the High School.  The instructor gave him tickets to go and watch. 

For all I know ex may be fabricating this whole thing by buying the tix herself.  But going to the concert and not giving the free tickets because she now all of a sudden is a fan of HS music and wants to go herself? 

[bravhart1]

So go to the concert, see if mom even shows up. And talk to the teacher, thank teacher for the free tickets and see what is said. Sounds like mom is trying to not get caught in a lie, so catch her and then document it. And I agree, viola lessons will probably end abruptly if there is a lie.

In the mean time, write a email send to mom stating that there should be minimal occasions that arise for mom taking kids on dads time as she already gets to have them extra time when she generously offers to take kids while dad is traveling for work.

[Nope]

Yes, I was under the impression that kiddo was actually going to be playing. I agree with Bravhart then. Go and see if you can smile and shake hands with the nice instructor. Bring up that you'd like to sign kiddo up for extra lessons at your place. If you'd rather avoid the conflict you are under no obligation to bring your son to the event. Honestly, I'm confused as to why he even wants to go (if he actually does) because I know my SD would have been bored to tears at something like that if she wasn't up there playing.

[scraps66]

Part of me feels mom is trying to create this kid into what she wants, like the next Chicoughski.

[ForeverDad]

If you are paying for part or all of the classes, then you would be justified to mention to the instructor that there have been problems with the free tickets, you bought son to the concert, it was your parenting time but she got the free tickets and won't share them.  Not sure if it will make a difference, schools like to avoid getting in the middle.

Also, this may be a good time to find out who his viola instructor is and get contact info.

[scraps66]

I have in the interim gotten the instructor's contact info.  However, I have not arranged lessons.  S10 has not interest in lessons at my house.  Ex has told me, "you can come by anytime if you'd like to see him play."  S10 is being conditioned to only do certain things and like certain things at ex's house.  He only wears "her" clothes now, resists eating the foods he likes - when I prepare it, won't do the things he enjoys, like riding his bike, when with me, etc.

The viola thing has history.  Awhile back, I arranged We. evening social skills for S10, a class.  Ex conveniently said she had arranged viola lessons for Wed.  I eventually got him back in the social skills class - it was then ineffective.  Awhile goes by, and she's getting him viola lessons - not discussed with me, but she says if she wants to get him lessons on her time alone, she can do that.  Fine.  I then asked about the contact info for the instructor, a number of times, she wouldn't produce. 

Finally, during a heated text discussion over activities, I demanded the instructor's contact info, a couple times.  She eventually gave it to me.  After discussions with S10, I didn't think I could arrange lessons at my house as he continued to say "no."

My feeling, ever since I put the social skills in place of her elected viola lessons she was hell bent on getting her way.  And if doing that mean excluding me from the activity, even better.

Coincidentally.  I generally do the signups and pay for the kids' activities.  For the most part I don't ask ex to help pay.  So in the last months I've paid over $300 for activities.  An easy split so I ask ex for $150.  Her response, I needed to produce receipts and that she would go back and check and see what she had paid for over the last year.  Oh, and she had been paying for all of the viola lesson and the viola.

No response as yet, but I did mention that she had elected to do the viola lessons at her house and without my involvement and those were her expenses.

The tix for the concert were provided by the viola instructor.  The concert falls on my night.  Rather than giving me the tix so I can go with S10, ex asks if she could pick him up and take him herself.  This doesn't go both ways, ex's idea of flexibility is if I give up my parenting time, only.  So she says I can take S10, but she is using the tix.  Meaning she's going to the concert too, if we go.

[david]

Scrapps, I sent my ex an email about our son last year. I asked her if she would help S17 with car insurance if I buy a car for him and help maintain it. I owned an auto shop years ago so I have the ability to fix it. I only wanted her to help him until he was able to get a steady job and then he could take care of it himself. I didn't think ex would agree and she didn't. My reason was to plant a seed in her head.

Well, just a few days ago S18 was talking to me and said that his mom was willing to help him pay for car insurance if dad (me) gets him a car.

Ex needed the time to make it her idea and then things were fine. It sounds like this strategy may help you in the future.

[livednlearned]

I wonder if S10 even wants to go? I might wait to check with him and see if he feels like doing something else. Or, if you think he'll game things in a way that's not favorable, just tell him something else is going on that you want to do with him.

Maybe email the instructor to say that you would like to meet her at some point, look forward to going to another event down the line, you and S10 have other plans, etc.

And then do something else fun that you want to do.

[Nope]

I'm with L&L, I think you should step out of the game all together. That's all this is. And don't feel bad if S10 is bummed he can't go. Based on what you are saying about the alienation he'll be bummed going with you if his mom is there anyway, because he's required by her to be.

[scraps66]

You guys are right.  I'm stepping out, S10 has said that he wants to go, but I have no issue with "parenting" him and saying we have elsewhere to go.  I will be made out to be the villain.  I see ex fabricating more of these situations as time goes on.  This particular evening I'm betting she will use S8's conflicting ballgame to drive a wedge in my tactics.  She had already spoken to S8 about the concert, "hone, I'm sure you would rather not go to the concert," and her words to me were that "she knows S8 and knows he won't want to go."  Though she doesn't realize this would be a teaching opportunity for both - S10 who has few activities goes along to S8's activities, a lot.  But S8 doesn't have many opportunities to go to S11's activities because there just aren't many.