Why can some people with BPD walk away and never look back?

[Itstopsnow]

I'm coming to terms with my 18 month relationship. I still have good and bad days. I know it's best to go NC. And I see the recycling drama! I will never go back to him ever! But while we dated it was a lot of almost breakups. So I do see how they vacillate. But what causes them to never look back? Do they feel too exposed when they are caught in their double lives, lies, and cheating? Are they too embarrassed when and if that happens. I'm just trying to understand what he may be thinking. I'm sure he's still blaming me . But some come back to their ex's and I wouldn't want that either. But at least I feel when those that do come back maybe feel some remorse for what they've done. It just bothers me. To be so good to someone, think you have a strong genuine bond with them. Then realize they were nothing who they protrayed themselves to be. And then for them to not even try to apologized or anything. Funny, my ex was trying to get the replacement girl back but she wouldn't go back either. She told me he Never once even apologized to her for cheating? I  wonder how it all sits in their heads. He's such an NPD to not even apologize to her once he was caught, still having the nerve to think she'd take him back without one 

[once removed]

hi itstopsnow 

I'm just trying to understand what he may be thinking... .

But at least I feel when those that do come back maybe feel some remorse for what they've done. It just bothers me. To be so good to someone, think you have a strong genuine bond with them.

is this the heart of the matter? does it feel like you are of less value if he doesnt reach out?

[Itstopsnow]

I don't know... .Our relationship was a whirlwind like most here. We went on 5 major week long trips, and many weekend get aways. We were together daily. I helped him so much. And we fought a lot. Sometimes out of no where he would become so hostile . Knowing now what his problem was . It makes more sense. But I guess in a sense never hearing from him again does make me feel like he didn't value me at all. Although at the end before I found it all out. He was setting me up to be recycled from the girl he replaced me for. He kept coming back around asking for us to date in two months. Little did I know that's because he wanted her to help him pass a Spanish exam to become a teacher. This guy is a total user! He used me, used her, is using whoever he's with now.

I shouldn't care what my worth was in his eyes. He's not a good person. I don't mean to hate on borderlines. But he has comorbid things going on as most do. But is bottom line is always to care about himself and his needs. I think that's part of the illness though. It's sad because it does have such an honest but lousy stigma to it

[Herodias]

I think they know when the gig is up... .they can't fool us anymore, so they make up a story in their heads as to why it wouldn't be best to be in a r/s with us and move on. As long as that person keeps them on a pedestal, lets them get away with their behavior and accepts the manipulations, they are fine... .once you know what they are, they are afraid you will leave, so they leave first. I have a feeling if I really tried, I could get mine back... .I just don't. That's the thing. They have no choice but to devalue us and move on.

[once removed]

it does really suck, itstopsnow. my ex, through her words, told me how much i meant to her, how appreciative she was, words that kind of put me in a one up position. our relationship ended with her setting up a new guy (im not sure she ever even planned to tell me) and topped up with her stealing from me. its okay to be angry and feel unappreciated.

I shouldn't care what my worth was in his eyes.

ah, 'shoulds' and 'shouldnts'. i said the same thing to myself, that there was something wrong with me for... .literally anything i felt toward my ex, other than indifference. the fact is you do care what your worth was in his eyes and thats understandable. you gave a lot to this person, you shared many intimate moments, and they ultimately displayed by their actions a lack of appreciation. the more i told myself i "shouldnt" feel the way i did, the more strongly i felt it. when i accepted it, it gave me a lot of breathing room to work through without feeling like there was something wrong with me for having feelings.

[confusedandangry]

@OnceRemoved... .how do you learn to accept it? 

[JQ]

hi guys,

@Herodias, You know I believe if I really wanted to try & reach out I would be recycled for an unknown period of time with my exBPDgf too.  And like you I just don't, I do miss her, I do love her, but I will never miss the devaluing, the rages, the triangulation, the misleading, the lies, etc. etc. etc.  And I know I'm in a much better place for standing my ground.

@confusedandangry,  I can't speak for BH, but for me, the way I accepted it was that I was tired of day to day drama, doing everything she asked for but never allowed to move beyond the status of a hidden bf that I was, never spoken about or able to meet her family, etc.  The fact that she was still seeing bf#2 and keeping me as the 3rd side of the sex triangle was the final straw.  The fact that her therapist told me that I would probably never have a monogamous relationship with her, and the list goes on.

At some point YOU have to decide the line in the sand that if crossed your done, without hesitation, without regret, set the boundary and stand YOUR ground!  Unless you like to be subject of mental, physical and emotional abuse. I understand just how freaking hard it is because I've lived it, but I've taken an active role in my education of BPD and my codependency and I refuse to let anyone hold me hostage in ANY relationship ever again. What kind of life is that to live? Waiting for your Cluster B Mentally Ill BPD to come back only to recycle you yet again?  There are over 8 BILLION people in the world, my exBPDgf is mentally ill without much hope of any type of real management of her behavior.  I'm not going to sit around, hiding from the world because I wish she would get better ... .I'm not going to feel sorry for myself for a Cluster B mental illness that has a deep hold on a person I fell in love with. It's not my fault - it's beyond my control - I can't cure her!

I made the choice to live & explore my life!  Without someone if I have too, but more preferred to be with someone to explore it with and that is mutually respectful & wants a equal loving relationship. Anything less is unacceptable for me!

J

[JerryRG]

Great posts and I can really relate, I finally had enough and draw that line in the sand, the last boundary and that was all, GAME OVER.

I sill feel guilty and ashamed that I had to choose this option and hurt her but I was dying.

Another thing and maybe a topic for another thread is I hear her voice screaming at me, the insults and accusations, and threats are all there echoing inside my head.

I truly is horrible, I gave her a great deal of power, slowly taking it back.

She is/was nothing short of a living nightmare. Cant wait until I no longer hear her insults and put downs in my head and heart.

[JQ]

Great posts and I can really relate, I finally had enough and draw that line in the sand, the last boundary and that was all, GAME OVER.

I sill feel guilty and ashamed that I had to choose this option and hurt her but I was dying.

Another thing and maybe a topic for another thread is I hear her voice screaming at me, the insults and accusations, and threats are all there echoing inside my head.

I truly is horrible, I gave her a great deal of power, slowly taking it back.

She is/was nothing short of a living nightmare. Cant wait until I no longer hear her insults and put downs in my head and heart.

JRG,

You are not alone, we've all experienced what you have. I too felt guilty and ashamed ... .IN THE BEGINNING. I don't accept failure being a 20 plus year military guy. there is always a solution to the problem. It was my uneducated arrogance that was my demise in this BPD r/s ... .but eventually through all my counseling & education I learned that it was beyond my control to help her to a successful resolution to her mental illness. Hell it is beyond VERY HIGHLY EDUCATED Ph.d's to counsel BPDs.  Take a moment and digest that, people with 8-10 plus years of education achieving a Ph.d level of knowledge in human behavioral science can NOT facilitate a change in a BPD behavior and have been forced to send their BPD patient to yet another Ph.d, clinical physiologist / therapist in an attempt to help them in manage themselves to some degree.

And like most of us in an attempt to save this BPD r/s, we gave them immense power over us to calm them down from fears of engulfment. WE let them take our power ... .we willingly accepted it. Until we finally stand up for ourselves & take our lives back. Then the BPD's flying monkey's are set free to rage havoc & chaos on us until we finally have enough and draw the sand and set the boundary ... .and when they step over that boundary we maintain our boundaries and we have to let them go ... .without fear, without hesitation. We have to in order to save ourselves.

Continue to learn about BPD & know there is nothing you or anyone can do to manage her mental illness.  Learn about yourself and learn about how & why you became a codependent and go forward from there. Eventually time will pass and that voice you hear will become nothing more then a whisper. This is a good thing ... .you should always remember this BPD r/s in order to recognize the warning signs and avoid all the pain, hurt, that you've been experiencing in future r/s. WE will repeat the past if we forget the past.

JQ

[JerryRG]

Thank you JQ, isn't it amazing that so many of us experience such similar fates with these relationships? It is facinating and terrifing, I watched a bit of Dr Phil today, this 14 year old girl who threatend to kill her siblings, parents at the end of their rope, didn't see all the eoisode but I believe this girl suffered TBI somewhere along her early years. She was so persuasive in being cute and adorable but then this purely evil part would come to the surface and she would change completely. Hopefully she and maybe BPDs can be understood one day and helped if not cured.

Thanks again JQ

[FallBack!Monster]

I am also coming to terms with the fact that is was nothing special.  Yes, I know its no different than any other experience here but I think w/o knowing, I was holding on to fun moments.  However, after like 2 months of not calling, she calls me this afternoon like nothing happened.  Telling me a story about her car breaking down and how she wasn't going to go to work but some coworker picked her up, etc.  The weird part is that as she was talking to me, I realized that the joy of hearing her voice was gone and hearing her talk only brought me memories of the bad side of her.

This is probably not good, but I see it more like a breakthrough (let me explain)

We talked for about 8 minutes... .I listened to her voice, and all I could imagine was a sick liar on the other side of the phone.  I wondered what was she really calling for, and what the hell did she do to cause the situation she was telling me about.  I also wondered, if she is calling me just so that she can have someone to talk to while she's ignoring the person who is expecting her to call at that moment?  Was everyone ignoring her so that's why she is calling me? or Did something all of a sudden remind her of who I am?  I thought nothing good or beneficial for me of her call.

The one thing that was really clear about being on the phone with her (bc she can never again tell me a story that I'll believe), was that I was now thinking of her in terms of a PD and not a person.  The person I liked; the person I had feelings for, the person I thought highly of, the person I loved to handout with, the person that I thought I could at least remain friends with, just a couple of months back, is now dead to me.

I too gave love, affection, tenderness, understanding, patience (lots of it), and some other bad passion too, but none works.  They want nothing else but to make you as hurt and messed up as they are.  I'm not sure if this is any consolation but s/he can hurt you, but if you want you can learn to live with the things you cannot change (BPD behavior.) No matter how much we all initially hate them for being so selfish and cold, No pain that they can cause you will ever match the pain they have to forever live with.  He works in mysterious ways.  

[jessedsickabouther]

My ending is the very same or similar to once removed. I think the answer is correct that if they do something terrible they are not going to look back. I dated one BPD girl 23 years ago and we broke up like 4 or 5 times but it was always because of us fighting. She never lied to me I've still never caught her in a lie and we've been friends for 23 years. She never cheated on me I've never caught her cheating on me so she has no reason to hide in shame. The only reason I know she is BPD is because that's the diagnosis she gave her and she's got some other issues but she's basically a good person. Fast forward to my current ex who is also diagnosed BPD. Well she got caught red-handed cheating and she seemingly was still very much concerned about me and cared about me but I think the guilt overwhelmed her. I have sent emails letting her know that I'm not mad and I'm over it and that I still care about her as a person for all the stuff that she did but so far she will only talk about financial matters. I've even called her out and told her how hurt I was and how I still haven't gotten over it at one point and I even told her that I had spent many days crying I think I posted the letter on here. So no I don't think she's going to come back anytime soon because once they do something so bad they don't seem to want to go back and deal with it so I honestly think it has everything to do with how they treated you not how you treated them

We didn't really have a good reason to break up in my opinion so yeah it really sucks that they can't just say that they are sorry and allow us to forgive them. I don't think it's in their makeup. They can never feel like a bad person because they already feel so bad that if they continue to do that they're going to struggle so I don't want my ex to feel any worse. Yes I should be very angry that she cheated and that she lied to me at the end but I can get over it. She on the other hand lives a living hell every day and is miserable so why would I want to make her feel worse. She can't handle it I mean I've seen it that she just can't handle it and I have a feeling that your ex is the same way.

[JQ]

Hi group,

@the Group, I've come to learn that the mind is a fascinating organ. Beside regulating the normal body function without thought like your heart, lungs, etc. It is responsible for perception of reality within ourselves. It makes up our personality within itself and by outside influences. BUT by most estimates, we really only know about 5-8% of how the brain works. It's a VERY complex organic organ wighting about 3 lbs.  It regulates our moods good, bad, happy, sad, humor.  

We are helpless to effect change during it's development within and outside the womb. Within the womb if a certain spark doesn't happen, a certain amount of protein, a certain DNA strand stops in development it can have disastrous effects on the person it belongs too. Outside the womb if it suffers a blow from a fall during our stages of learning to walk, some type of accident, a concussion from a sport, or TBI from a war time incident it will be damaged and sometimes beyond our control.

For some of us who have a very large sense of logic, it's hard for us to grasp how someone can have a personality disorder. It's NOT logical for a person to act a certain way? Why would anyone act in such a way to destroy not only themselves for a lifetime, but everyone they hold dear to them. Parents, siblings, a spouse or a new lover, it defy's logic within our own brain and hard to comprehend, to understand, to make sense of it all.  I don't understand how the theory of a wormhole in space works or that you can bend space & time ... .it's hard for me to understand that a grown person, educated at some of the finest higher learning institutions the country has to offer can continue to behave in such a way to destroy everything they so desperately want & need.

I take a deep breath and I'm resolved at the fact that there are some things that will never make sense or that I'll have answers in my lifetime.  Perhaps 25-50 years from now they will be able to monitor fetal development and know that a certain spark didn't happen or that a certain protein didn't make it to where it was suppose to be at the perfect time or that they've identified the genetic defect causing all personality disorders and can at that time artificially introduce what is missing or trigger the host body at the right time to do what is needed at the correct time & place.

But for me, for all of us,  all of that is like time travel or the Star Trek transporter ... .it will NOT happen in our lifetime. So we must accept the brutal facts of the situation. We must work on ourselves and correct our own behavioral issues of codependency which is possible ... .ONLY if we learn, work and make the changes needed to prevent such a toxic and chaotic relationship. Some things are beyond our ability to affect change like BPD. At the same time, some things like our behavior of a codependent is NOT beyond our ability to change. We are free thinking intelligent human beings ... .WE have the choice ... .

JQ

[JerryRG]

Well said JQ.

My sponsor who has 40 years of sobriety always tells me, stick to the facts, only the facts. Keep your emotions out of the way when it comes to extremely important choices.

Thanks again JQ, and bpdfamily

[JQ]

Well said JQ.

My sponsor who has 40 years of sobriety always tells me, stick to the facts, only the facts. Keep your emotions out of the way when it comes to extremely important choices.

Thanks again JQ, and bpdfamily

Jerry & Group,

@JRG, Your sponsor is a very wise person & became so after pulling themselves up off the ground with the helping hand of their sponsor, they looked their Demons in the eye & thumping them in the chest with their finger and said NO MORE will you have a control on my life!  NO MORE will I give you my power!  One day they said enough was enough!

Your sponsor sets the example for others to follow, they pay it forward & that is my goal here, to pay it forward ... .I work hard to keep my emotions out of my post. I research, I read, I'm taught by others, I open my mind to both the good & the bad.  I might NOT like what I see, or hear but it's the truth and I must accept the truth and not continue to live in a fantasy world where everything is rainbows & unicorns. To help others do the same ... .  I'm human and I make mistakes but I hope that my words give some guidance and solace to their thoughts, their pain, their hurt and they will see that someone was where I was and I can be where they are if I accept responsibility for my own happiness, that I take a active role in my own recovery ... .

My desire here is to continue to learn myself ... .to helps others learn ... .to speak the truth even if you don't like what you do hear ... .to show compassion for others,  that if you open your eyes there is light at the end of the tunnel ... .that this dark place you're in will soon disappear from the light of knowledge that you seek ... .

To show you that today & the rest of your days is ... .A Beautiful Day!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=co6WMzDOh1o&list=RDco6WMzDOh1o#t=4

JQ

[once removed]

@OnceRemoved... .how do you learn to accept it? 

if a loved one died, you wouldnt tell yourself that to feel sorrow, grief, to cry, to miss that person, was wrong.

in my case, as i mentioned, i thought feeling anything other than say, contempt, disdain, or indifference toward my ex, was "wrong". if i felt sad, i looked at it as weakness. the fact was at some point i had loved my ex. it is most normal to miss someone that you love(d), however they have treated you.

i stopped trying to simply will away my pain. i felt it. i grieved her. i grieved the relationship. i missed her. i cried daily. i realized all of that was "okay", normal, and healthy. it hurt and it wasnt an easy transition. using all of my energy trying to hate her felt better in the moment, but prolonged my pain.

accept your pain. accept the reality of the situation. accept that it all sucks, but that ultimately, you will be okay  

[GreenEyedMonster]

I used to suspect that my ex felt terrible guilt about how he had treated me.  I now suspect -- after encountering him a couple times after the breakup -- that there are deeper comorbid issues with him, namely some kind of paranoia or delusion.  The reason he hasn't come back is because he believes I'm a horrible she-devil who may literally physically harm him.  When he doesn't believe this, he does become attracted to me again, but generally not for long.

[Itstopsnow]

jessedsickabouther, thank you! I really can relate to what you wrote and I agree with you that my ex is probably the same way as you are thinking he is.  He was caught in the worse way! After I literally spent 28k on him throughout 18 months. Stood by him go through 4 jobs . Two that I got him. And then putting up with the verbal and emotional abuse . And finding out he was cheating for the whole time! Plus him being a former catholic priest . Who claimed to be leaving the priesthood to have a family and home school them! He played up the religious card over board! To find out all I ended up doing was having a relationship with a sick corrupt priest who happens to have BPD. I'm glad he left the priesthood . I don't really feel sorry for him. Because he uses that background to disarm people to who he really is. He has major signs of NPD and possible traits of antisocial as well. When he held me down and spit in my face.

But he's definitely a dependent Borderline. He cried a lot, raged a lot . Couldn't stand to be alone! I should feel sorry but he also has deeper training than most. Studied 5 years in Rome. Got a masters in theology and was supposedly trained as a family therapist . He was still pushing blame on me I heard after he was caught cheating on both me and his other ex. His worse nightmare came true. We both found out and left. He even had a paddle hair brush  in his pocket the day his second ex confronted him. Like he was going to hit her with it if she attacked him. She is a healthy adult and wasn't going to attack him. He has such crazy thinking.

[Frustratedbloke]

I have a small theory that the mistreatment becomes part of a game for them, it's all funny and naughty and childish. When you catch them it shatters their illusion, you're suddenly telling them they're a bad person, and the whole game falls apart like the ridiculous charade that it is.

So, like children, they run and hide. Unlike children they can run further than their bedroom, they can run away and pretend it all never happened. So they do.

Mine was hideous, played horrible games, as soon as I told her I see through you by the way, stop being so childish, stop being such a terrible human being, she ran away. It's been weeks, not months, so I cannot be sure, but I don't think I'll ever hear from her again.