Self pity

[JerryRG]

My Gosh I'm upset about this whole mess. I have no one to blame for ignoring a million red flags and insist on living in denial and staying involved with my exBPDgf. She said she couldn't get pregnant, I choose to believe her. She said she would always love me, I choose to believe her, (didn't know what love is). She was immature and suicidal and still abusing drugs without me knowing it, still my choice to ignore the red flags. All my friends and family said I was flirting with disaster yet I choose to stay with her. Everyone tried their best to warn me but I CHOOSE TO IGNORE THEM instead of my own common sense.

I am so used to self pity, giving up, being a quitter, self centered, egotistical, I am alcoholic, (recovering I haven't drank in many years). I grew up with alcoholics, drug addicts, I am codependent and stubborn, resistant to doing the things I've been told to do to get well. I have all the answers yet still refuse to humble myself and do the work to get well.

I have a 2 year old son who I haven't seen in 3 weeks because mom has him back in her custody full time. I didn't like this change so I choose to take it out on my innocent son. Because I am so afraid of his mother and myself because of the many sick choices I have made with her in the past my son suffers with her abuse (craziness) and I run away from him leaving him in her care knowing what she did to me she will certainly do to him.

Yes I am angry and maybe this post should be in the cooparenting forum.

I can manage my own life, I cannot manage my exBPDgf and I am ashamed that I take my fear out on my son. God has saved me so many times, I have nothing to complain about, my life is better than ever before. Yet my innocent son is hurt because of my choices and my selfish attitude and mistakes.

Time to man up as others have told me to do, I don't want to face this and my son is suffering.

[once removed]

JerryRG, 

there is nothing wrong with or unmanly about being upset, expressing it, reaching out for support, and working through it. men have feelings... .sometimes they are taught to ignore them  , and to "man up".

it sounds like you are finding the motivation to do the work to get well. its okay to worry about JerryRG and how he feels as you do 

[confusedandangry]

Hey JerryRG... .I'm having a day, too.  I been having them a few days lately.  You are feeling normal... .keep venting, keep feeling.  Let's work this codependent stuff out.  I am the product of an alcoholic father and I was an alcoholic teen... .I have been sober for many years as well... .

What were you grateful for today?  I was grateful for my job... .even though some days it is difficult, I am grateful I can touch a young child's life... .I am a teacher.  Do you have anything planned fun to do that you are looking forward to?  I am looking forward to actually going swimming here in the South... .

You have to have your feelings... .remember when I said if you feel like crying... .CRY?  Just don't stay in that place... .Don't give it or her all of your energy, because you are the one needing to heal.  (I am needing to write this to you, for me to remember to do this as well) 

I have been stuck in a rut... .I have obsessed over my failed relationship the past few days.  I don't know what triggered me, except maybe it was Easter and I was missing her. 

[bunny4523]

Jerry RG,

You are very aware of your faults and how you want to be healthier. This is a very good thing.  You are halfway there.  Now you just need to find the support and resources to get you on the right track.  This is a great site for expression and finding commonalities.  I would strongly suggest getting into therapy or even group therapy (might feel more comfortable to see others struggling with the same things you do).  Sometimes we are in the angry phase and we resist doing things we know will make us better because we just aren't done being anger yet.  That is ok... .as long as you don't get stuck there.  Continue talking until your ready to take that first step.  I wish you the best and I really hope you are able to work through this so that you can break the cycle for your son.

[JerryRG]

Thank you all, I am crying for my son and myself. I am grateful and have nothing to complain about, I just have this feeling I have to grow up and get well as fast as I can for my son, I fear my cancer too, I've been sick for a long time and I'm sure I am stressing myself out and doing myself in. I have another chemo tomorrow and I'm certain I will be set back physically once more. I just need to focus on positives and gratitude and stay the course. Get on my knees and pray for my sons protection.

Thank you all for your kindness and wisdom, thank you, thank you, thank you

I hope you all feel better soon, we can change and get well, that is our hope. The pwBPD may not have that luxury so for this I am grateful as well.