Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 08, 2021, 01:06:01 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
204
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: She's left again. Help me let go  (Read 1022 times)
leew2110
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 81


« on: April 03, 2016, 04:55:10 AM »

my ex has once more found another rebound/distraction.

for 10 years now i have been dealing with this and this is the 4th long term split.

so many split ups over the years when she came back within days etc but 4 long term ones.

1st time she painted me black days after telling me how much she loved me to run off with another then after 6 month of pining for her, she returned.

2nd time she ran off for 2 month with another and returned.

3rd time she once more told me she loved me then met someone else and completely cut me out of her life as tho id didnt exist, and when i tried to contact ger, she called police accusing me of harassment so i stsyed away.

she was gone over 2 year, then came back saying she realised what a mistake she made, how much she loved me. hd missed me etc etc. well i fell for it once again even tho i had finally accepted she wasnt coming back, gave up hope and had found some peace in myself (that wasnt an easy place to reach)

now i am completely cut off once more, hav been for a few month now and yesterday found out she is with another yet again.

i know i should have known better by now,but i have been secretly clinging to the hope she would be back soon.

i dont claim to be perfect but this lad has to be the ugliest lad ever and i dont get it! he prob thnks all his dreams havw come true.

i seen a photo of them together yesterday and fell apart crying for hours in despair and pain.

i really need to stop this happening ever again but while my head knows the truth, my heart simply cant accept it.

Now I am back to where i was 3 year ago before she left, put myself in therapy but feel more alone and lost than i ever did.

something inside tells me she will return again at some point and thats where i need help.

part of me is screaming for her to come back coz i miss her so badly yet other part of me is terrified i wont have the strength to say NO THANKS to her and this will happen all over again.

why is it only me she keeps recyclng, the others get left alone yet i cant take this anymore.

i am afraid in another 10 years they will find me hanging from a rope one day when i finally snap as i am emotionally drained from it.

i envy the new one coz he will be getting her at her best now but pity him coz i know what follows.

why do we allow them to do this over & over again?

why cant i say No when she returns?

where has my self respect gone?

why is it me she does this do and not another ex?

why cant i feel anger or hate for her?

why do i miss her so badly when i know shes no good for me or my own mental health?

why do i blame myself each time she leaves?

PLEASE give me some suggestions and similar tales to strengthen myself before she returns
Logged
leew2110
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 81


« Reply #1 on: April 03, 2016, 04:57:04 AM »

sorry for some of the spelling errors, i am not doing well and concentration is hard
Logged
WoundedBibi
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 860


« Reply #2 on: April 03, 2016, 06:53:23 AM »

What an incredible painful story... I'm sorry you have had to go through all of this.

But you're right, it does not get better and you need to find the strength to keep her at bay when she comes back.

How? Step one: getting into therapy. Which you have done. Good! You need the support and insight of a therapist to work through all the heartache, to learn why you are allowing someone to treat you *so* badly, what old wounds there might be in your past that contribute to this, and to work on changing your view of yourself and build up your confidence.

Other steps are being here (reading up on BPD, sharing your emotions, thinking if any of the posts resonates for you and why, and asking for help), taking care of yourself (eating well, going for walks, exercising), spending time with people whose company you enjoy or getting out to meet new people who can be enjoyable company. Not dating mind you, just friends or family or colleagues that you can join for dinner, for a pub quiz, for playing football together, stuff like that. Normal stuff to bring you back into normality.

Then for your questions:

- why do we allow them to do this over & over again?

Because we are either addicted to the high of the connection, the nice moments, the drama, or because we are co-dependent, or both. And ending an addiction or healing from being co-dependent is hard and you first need to realize that this is what is going on.

- why cant i say No when she returns?

See above. You are like a junkie craving your fix.

- where has my self respect gone?

Good question. After 10 years of this ordeal you probably lost a lot of it. But was it high to being with? Or did she subconsciously pick you because it wasn't?

- why is it me she does this do and not another ex?

Maybe she can't contact them. Maybe they know to say no. Maybe after so many years you're her old raincoat, her safety net. But then again, how do you know she doesn't? Where does she go to when she's gone for just a few days or weeks? Maybe she does recycle them but for shorter periods than you.

- why cant i feel anger or hate for her?

Good question. Everybody has it in them to get angry. The stuff you've gone through should make you livid. For some reason you're suppressing it.

Could be you're trying to protect yourself; if you feel it, it would have an impact on the relationship, it might mean the end, and maybe being alone frightens you.

Were you allowed to be angry as a child?

Are you rationalizing her behaviour?

Does anger frighten you?

Are you afraid once you get angry you'll turn into the hulk and won't be able to control it?

- why do i miss her so badly when i know shes no good for me or my own mental health?

Junkie, craving, fix. A junkie knows the drugs might kill him but he still craves them.

- why do i blame myself each time she leaves?

Because it's easier? If you put some blame on her, you might actually get angry...

This relationship is very unhealthy. For your safety you need to make some big changes to your life. Start now.  [/quote]
Logged
C.Stein
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #3 on: April 03, 2016, 07:12:20 AM »

Leew,

Have you had a chance to read up on setting healthy boundaries?  This may help you stay vigilant.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries
Logged
Herodias
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1787


« Reply #4 on: April 03, 2016, 07:35:15 AM »

So sorry you are in so much pain. You know the pattern now... .It sounds like you haven't made the effort to heal and move on yourself. I understand how it feels to see them off with someone else who is very unattractive... .mine does this too. We recycled probably 3 times and then the last time was it for me. I do know he tries to recycle someone else as well. I do not know about others, but it is possible. They say they want to keep them all around just in case. You may not know about it or those people may have better boundaries. They are very sneaky and I think it is hard to believe people would act this way. You are going to have to either get some help through therapy, friends, family or church. You will continue this behavior until you get off the cycle. She won't stop... .it has to be you. You decide if you can continue to live this way or not. They beg and plead, but they just don't mean it in the end. It is an awful reality I know. Usually it happened sooner and sooner. She must not be finding someone who fills your shoes as well, but there is nothing you can do to stop her so you must stop yourself. Take care of you... .
Logged
jessedsickabouther
Guest
« Reply #5 on: April 03, 2016, 08:26:02 AM »

Dude! Go and date other chicks!

I don't CARE if u dont  WANT to!

Do it anyway.  And stop the insanity! !

Enough already.  End up getting arrested. ... or worse

Do u hate ur self? ?
Logged
leew2110
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 81


« Reply #6 on: April 03, 2016, 05:32:40 PM »

If only it was that easy.

When you miss someone, only their arms will do.

And then there is the fear you may meet another with the same issues.

All I can feel is sorrow, loss & sadness coz this time I know it's finally over for me.

But while I have walked away from relationships before...

I have never had to walk away from one I truly did want to leave and that's the hard part.

Knowing I will never again feel her arms round me or presence when things are good.

But while my heart clings to hope, my head tells me this has to be the end.

Or it will never end until there is nothing left of me

Logged
leew2110
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 81


« Reply #7 on: April 03, 2016, 05:39:26 PM »

There was a time long ago, she had a way of looking at me that made me feel so loved and wanted., that's something I still cling to and miss but finally coming to terms it wasn't real
Logged
zeus123
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 217


« Reply #8 on: April 03, 2016, 05:43:18 PM »

whether she has BPD or not, why did you take her back the first time when she left you for another. where is your dignity?
Logged
leew2110
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 81


« Reply #9 on: April 03, 2016, 05:47:32 PM »

Good question and one I have asked myself for many years now...

All I can say is I believed her when she expressed regret and begged for another chance but mostly coz I loved her and that made me blind to the truth
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12105



« Reply #10 on: April 04, 2016, 10:06:20 AM »

leew2110  

this is a tough decision indeed, and your grief is palpable. this has to really hurt and i understand the tremendous battle between your heart and your head. i remember praying, in a sort of roundabout way, for god to end my relationship, because i could not. please be kind to yourself, and give yourself time to grieve.

62% of relationships (in general) recycle, and many members have gone through four or more recycles, though when we find ourselves in numerous breakup/makeup cycles things are in an unhealthy territory. as to your specific questions, you might have a look at our discussion here: PERSPECTIVES: Relationship recycling [romantic partners]  

Why do we get caught up in cycles?

These are the questions we need to answer if we ever want the break-up/make-up cycle to end.  Are we returning to this person because we are in love with them and the relationship has a chance, or are we returning to this person because they feel safe?

  • Are we afraid to be alone?  


  • Do we have our own abandonment issues?  


  • Are we fearful that we cannot find someone as good as them again?  


  • Are we fearful of the next step (dating, financial issues, etc.)  


Why do our "BPD" partners recycle?

It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... .plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

  • Inability to deal with acute loneliness


  • Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)


  • Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)


  • Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.


do you see yourself in any of these leew2110?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lfisco111

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #11 on: April 04, 2016, 07:58:57 PM »

Maybe read the Human Magnet Syndrome (amazon)... .ive been there... .and this really helped ... .know you deserve love and care... .what you want to give to her... .try to give it to yourself first... .its hard, but worth it... .and somehow the other person doesn't mean as much to your life... .you do... .and maybe they come back... maybe they dont... but the focus has shifted. ... and it gets better... .xo
Logged
Yaryar87

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 43


« Reply #12 on: April 04, 2016, 09:31:03 PM »

I'm sorry your going through this. It's painful and maybe that's why you go back.  Because you don't want to feel pain, pain of losing her.  It's an amazing high when they come back only because they makes us feel so low when they leave.  Start dating other people even if you don't want to.  You have to push yourself to experience other people.  Yes the fear of of finding someone like them can come true. But you will be more prepared and know the signs of someone like her enough to stop it before t happens again.  I was engaged to a BPD and ending up with someone else who has BPD.  Don't let that fear stop you.  Just keep going until you find the right one.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!