Supportive, then upset :(

[isilme]

I'm not sure if FI is someone with BPD or just has a lot of fleas.  He can have mood swings, rages, and be irrational to the Nth degree, paint things black then white, and at other times be very well regulated.  Coming here overall has helped me work on how I respond and feel, which has helped in turn to stop making things worse.

He escaped a very bad work environment just about 1.5 years ago, and is working through a lot of justified anger depression, and self issues from it.  His boss was basically treating her subordinates, especially the male ones, like my BPD mother treated me - she'd physically assault them (grabbing, pushing, shoving), but as a woman in her 60s, no one believed it or wanted to deal with it.  She had lots of political pull, and got away with lots of things, until FI realized she might be committing fraud, and reported it.  She turned up the mistreatment, even though he made the department work, was good at lots of tasks and he made their workflow actually accomplish things, he trained new workers who got the credit for what FI did, and painted him black to anyone she could.  So after a lot of trying to fight it, we both decided he just needed to quit, regardless of what it meant for us financially.

Luckily, he found a much better work environment, but his feelings tell him all environments are what he left, and so he waffles between reasonable worries, and rather extreme fears of being fired and slandered, and worse.  He deserved to be promoted and paid more at his old job, but did not, and was abused, blackballed, and essentially bullied till he left - I know this is hard to get over, and tell him I do not expect him to not feel how he does (trying to validate). 

I work at the same institution he left, in a different department, under different management.  I have actually been treated well, even if my workload is pretty large due to being adept at many things.  It worries him sometimes that me being known for some of the same skills he was abused for displaying - learning new things quickly, being able to teach others, being adaptive - he worries it will lead me to being used and abused, too.  I have been at past jobs.  But I've learned from it. 

A chance to essentially apply for and interview for what would be a promotion of sorts (no real 'promotions' at a university, just apply from scratch and if you don't get it, you've still go your current job) came up.  At first, I thought it'd be silly to even try, but FI, and many, many others pointed out I was able to do this, it would be a good career move, a good pay increase, and so I applied.  And got asked to interview.  Which I did today.  Following my interview, I was asked to approve the performance of a background check, something that only happens if an offer for the job is forthcoming.  But as this moves forward, I feel FI is more and more negative.  He's not telling me negative things about me, or the job itself, but I can feel when his mood is on the downward spiral.  He's been cranky in the evenings, pretty upset yesterday when some tasks at his new job gave him emotional flashbacks from his old one, and today at lunch he was just very upset.

I've been concerned his mood would get worse as the wedding approaches (end of May), but this seems to be more in time with my attempts to move up in my job.  I am hoping he is not acting out of jealousy - I have always been the breadwinner, and to be honest, one reason I want this job is to be able to support us if he gets to where he just quits.  He threatens it pretty regularly, when he feels his new job is futile, or decides to see his new bosses or situation through the lens of the old boss. 

Just venting.  Writing always helps me. 

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[waverider]

Do think he may be suffering a kind of postr traumatic stress due to his old job, resulting in todays environment constantly throwing up reminders and associations that he cant let go of.

As far as your job is concerned I doubt it is clear cut jealousy but maybe a reminder that he is struggling while you are thriving. The more you succeed the more the contrast is amplified

[isilme]

waverider,

Yes, I definitely know he is having flashback issues, and yeah, the way you stated it is much better than simply saying it's jealousy.  I just wish I could help him understand that I appreciate him simply getting out of bed and going in each day - Both of us have had crap jobs, I used to cry before going into one years ago, not because of the work itself, but the people. 

And having him feel even worse because I couldn't just support both of us, and needed him working, too, was hard.  I know it was hard on him, and overall he's not usually upset that even now when our salaries are on par, I still make a little bit more (I've been working FT since 2000, he didn't join the workforce till 2007), so jealousy isn't the right word.  This new position would be a good bump, and if I can keep him motivated to work it will actually allow us to do more then slightly better than paycheck to paycheck - we can save, fix things at the house, maybe help his parents.  But I don't want him working just for a paycheck - I've seen him when he gave up on work AND school - he was depressed, embarrassed, and I think a lot of our problems from that time were due to his shame at letting me support him while he tried to grow up. 

He's a bit better today - still edgy, but I told him my references were getting phone calls, and he said that was a good sign.  I just want to get things settled, and even with us trying to elope, everyone is trying to still throw showers and parties, and that's part of what we wanted to avoid, so that's adding stress, too.

[waverider]

and even with us trying to elope, everyone is trying to still throw showers and parties, and that's part of what we wanted to avoid, so that's adding stress, too.

This possibly adds to a feeling of not being 'in control of his environment".