2 months after being dumped... was it BPD or something else?

[whispy90]

I was recently dumped by a man I had been dating for 18 months, and I strongly suspect he has some sort of personality disorder- likely a combination of narcissistic and borderline, although I'd like your opinion.

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I was 24, he was 37 when we met for our first date.  I immediately felt drawn to him on almost a “cosmic” level.  We became quickly sexually involved and he bombarded me with attention right off the bat.  I was getting texts every few hours, long phone calls each night, and constant praise.  He would say things like, “I’ve never felt so natural with anyone else,” “This is the best second date I’ve ever been on”, “I can’t believe I’ve only known you 2 weeks, where have you been all my life?”

He insisted on constant physical affection, like spooning all night, walking arm-in-arm in public, and amazing sex every time we were together.  He started calling me a pet name right off the bat.  He met my family after only 3 weeks of dating. 

However, he was very secretive about certain things in his past, especially past relationships.  The only thing he was very open about was that he had a very, very high sex drive and had many sexual partners in the past, but was ready “for a serious relationship”.  He would not talk about his last girlfriend.  After only two weeks of dating, he told me he was already falling for me.  2 months in, he told me he was in love with me.  He said things like, “you brought my passion for life back”, “I have been waiting my whole life for someone like you”, “you saved my life”.  He told me he was the most loyal man and was monogamous by nature very early on.  I thought I had met the love of my life. 

Very, very long story short- he started painting himself as a victim, saying all his past ex’s had wronged him and were awful people.  He also said a lot of his friends has turned against him for no reason.  He had over-the-top crying spells when talking about this, and I comforted him and condemned whoever these people were.  He told me I was so much better than any other woman he had dated.  Whenever I came close to discovering he was lying about something, he had out-of-character bursts of rage in which he would throw and break things in the house, sob uncontrollably, or act insane.  It frightened me.

He was living a double life- going out late at night to bars when I wasn’t with him, on dating sites, and still obsessing over his last girlfriend.  9 months into our relationship, I finally discovered he had been cheating on me with no less than 4 women during our relationship.  He had unprotected sex with someone he met in the street and got himself an STD test, while still having unprotected sex with me.  I found the STD clinic information on his computer.

He acted like a monster after I discovered this and cast me out of his life.  He finally admitted he had cheated on every woman he had ever dated, and in fact slept with no less than 25 women while he was living with his last girlfriend (including prostitutes and married women).  She even gave him another chance but he continued to sleep around with no remorse. She finally kicked him to the curb and all his friends found out what he did and stopped talking to him.  Only 2 months later is when he met me. I did not know about any of this.

I also was stupid enough to give him another chance because he said he was a sex addict. He started going to weekly therapy and 12 step meetings.  We dated another 7 months.  However, he became very critical of me, cold, and withdrew all emotional and physical intimacy from me.  I tried everything to keep it going- kept him involved with friends, brought him on a trip to Costa Rica, made him paintings, supported him by attending all of his concerts- but he never reciprocated.  Finally, I brought up moving in together and he freaked out.  I brought up my issues with his lack of intimacy and told him we needed to take a week apart to cool off and think things over.

At the end of the week, he told me he had been visiting prostitutes, going on dates, and wanted to dump me.  He was sobbing uncontrollably.  He said he could never commit and he was built to “be a monster”. Then he blamed me for all of the problems in the relationship, and demanded an apology from ME for making him feel shame about his past.  The last time we talked, he said he never saw a future with me, would never marry me, and to leave him alone and get on with my life.  He blocked my phone number, and never once reached out to me again.  It has been 2 months and I feel completely heartbroken and confused.

What are your impressions?  I can’t stop ruminating over whether he is just a “sex addict”, has a personality disorder, or something more.  Either way, it is clear to me he is manipulative, cunning, remorseless, intimacy avoidant, and extremely emotionally reactive/unstable and has a delusional victim complex.  It has left me reeling and depressed.

[Roselily]

Oh wispy, I'm so sorry you are too young to have gone through such a traumatic thing

Yes, they do sound a lot alike... It's scary to see such behaviors coming from someone u thought u knew... It's so disappointing...

Get yourself checked out for std's... Yes, he sounds like an addict and personality disordered too. Isn't it all so confusing? I know I wondered why? Why put the effort in, start something, if they know they are incapable?

It's sad and hard on us...

Anyone that pushes too fast... Run! That's what Im telling myself...

Let me know how I can support you . Thank u for the reply and reaching out.

Aldactone

[Roselily]

Oh one other thing... Don't put it past him to come back later... I've heard they do that...

Just be prepared! Warm hugs!

[Confused108]

Yes it does sound that your ex has a personality disorder. Please do get yourself check out by a Dr . Consider yourself lucky! Stay as far away from him as possible! These people do not change! Even though some of them do come back to recycle their ex lovers some never do come back. Pray yours doesn't. If he does stay strong g no matter how hard it is and I know it is hard. I am so sorry you went thru all this. Hang in there! This forum helped me when my ex came back from my teen years and duped me again! I found out that she is BPD and is not a person I want back in my life. She also raged about how all her exs cheated on her . No one could u sets stand her but me all the bull $hit lies! She was married  now divorced. Said her ex boyfriend raped her her brother molested her. All lies btw. They tend to play the victim in the beginning. The person that needs saving etc. . They also talk I'll about their exs. Mostly lies I'm sure. I know mine lied a ton about hers. Cheating on her etc. . All lies! Stay strong! It does get better with time. Trust me!

[WoundedBibi]

Isn't it all so confusing? I know I wondered why? Why put the effort in, start something, if they know they are incapable?

First of all to know you are incapable of really loving someone you need to be able to be self reflective, look at yourself in all honesty. A pwBPD is not capable of doing that; it would open up their core wounds and they would feel they are going to die feeling they are bad/inadequate etc. So every failed relationship is the fault of the other party. Projection.

Second of all, they are human and all humans want to be loved.

And thirdly because they 'just know' when they fall for the next person this time it will be different. This time it will work. This time they have found 'the one'. The one who will end their inner pain and will solve everything and who will make them happy for ever and ever and ever.

It's sad and hard on us...

It is incredibly sad. It is incredibly hard. And you have every right to feel sad, angry, confused, longing for the good old days etc.

But let's not forget after we heal, and find out why we got caught up in this and try to solve that, we get to move on.

They don't.

The utter confusion you feel, all the ups & downs from loving him, hating him, wanting him back, being happy you got away, feeling hurt, depressed, etc because of the breakup, they feel that more intense all day every day about everything for the rest of their lives. An eternal emotional yo-yo.

Not to take away any of your pain, because it is there and it's really bad and it's legit, but just to make you understand a little of their world and why they do the things they do.

[whispy90]

Unbelievable, guys.  On April 1st, when I thought I'd never hear from him again, he sent me an email.  It was a pity party for himself- he was complaining of feeling horribly alone and miserable.  Then he said he imaged my life was much better without him and asked about where I was and how I was doing.

I stupidly replied, saying I was hurt from hearing from him after months of no contact.  I also asked what his intentions were and what he wanted from me.  He reponded by saying he didn't think it through, and had only platonic intentions.  He wanted to ease his guilt of dumping me by hearing that I was doing "fine" without him.

It escalated to a phone conversation.  What was I thinking?  Nothing has changed.  He had nothing to say except to complain about his life and how everyone he knows hates him.  He even complained to me about an interaction he had with his ex girlfriend and family.  Then, he went on to complain that any woman he was interested in gets "bored with him" and loses interest in him.  He's telling this to ME, the one person who still wanted him in my life (but of course he does not want me at all).  He told me therapy is not working, he can never change because he is simply a bad person and it is who he is.  He said he wants to be alone the rest of his life because he can't stand to hurt anyone else and he can't stop himself. I asked him what he has been up to for 2 months and he said "video games and working".  He did not say he missed me at all.  In fact, he told me he would be playing an Opera this week but said "I don't want to tell you where because I don't want you to show up".  He is so delusional and grandiose he actually thinks I would do that! I was crying and asking why he didn't want me, what was so bad about me?  He started screaming and I could hear him slamming things and throwing things around his apartment.  Then he said frantically, "I've got to go, I've got to go".  And he hung up on me.

Why in the world did he have to drag me back down? He admitted he just wanted attention from me! I feel so disgusted with myself for spending so much time with such a heartless, crazy man.

Can anyone recommend some resources that will help me heal from this abusive situation?  I want to be able to have a healthy relationship at some point and feel so fearful of ever putting myself out there again.

[once removed]

hi whispy90 

i know this is all very confusing and painful right now. we are here to help 

Can anyone recommend some resources that will help me heal from this abusive situation?  I want to be able to have a healthy relationship at some point and feel so fearful of ever putting myself out there again.

definitely! we have no shortage of resources here in the form of articles and workshops and lessons. have you had an opportunity to check out the lessons (links) to the right? alternatively you can click here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0