Working to heal

[Eyeamme]

I have been spending time working on myself.  I sat down and wrote out a letter to my uBPD 34 year old daughter. I have learned so much through all of this. Thanks all on here for everything.

Here is the letter:

Sweet girl,

I used you as a shield.  You were the dream I had of being saved. My little girl.  My best friend who would love me forever.  I am sorry that I was so young when I raised you.  I made so many mistakes.  Although I did make these mistakes I have started to realize that my heart was filled with so much love that had no where to go.  You were it. I put all of me into you.  Another thing I regret doing to you.  When you tell me how I make you feel I can handle that.  I can not handle you not knowing how much I love you. I am sorry that I will never be able to send this to you.  There is no part of you that can understand it. I will always be here for you.  Just not in the same way I use to be.  We can’t undo what I know. That doesn’t make me love you less.  It just makes me not be able to be as close.  I love you forever.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[8daysAweek]

Hey Eyeamme.

It must be very difficult to focus on all of the pain and hurt you have felt through out the years and put it into words.   

What makes you feel like your D34 wouldn't understand the feelings you expressed here?

- 8days

[Eyeamme]

My daughter has absolutely no belief in me.  I also have never seen her sincerely  empathetic .  I know that she would not believe what I am saying.  She has no trust in me whatsoever.  It is the things she accuses me of that absolutely makes me speechless. Over the years she actually had me believing that it was me.  I bought it hook, line, and sinker.

Thank you. Thank you for posting.  I needed someone to say anything to me.

J.

[8daysAweek]

Your'e very welcome Eyeamme.

I'm not familiar with your story. I would love to hear what you have been through so I can better understand your situation and do everything I can to help.

I remember when I thought all my mom wanted do to was ruin my life. I thought that my parents were the reason I was so unhappy. When they sent me to RTC, I began to realize how much they truly love me. As an adult woman, I have the most amazing relationship with my mom and I can go to her for anything and she comes to me with her own struggles. When my dad passed away a few years ago, we joined together as family and haven't let go of each other yet.

Remember there is always hope, and people do change.

-8days

[Eyeamme]

My story.

My daughter is uBPD and is 34.  Our relationship has always what I would consider very close.  She would lash out at me but I am pretty easy going.  As she got older I was scared of her.  She is VERY smart.  She ran away when she was 17.  I knew where she was most the time and her father (my x) got her an apartment and everything that goes in it.  The next year she was off to college.  After 2 years of not talking she called me up out of the blue.  I was so happy.  We had a different more respectful relationship.  She got married, she had my two grandsons. I was there for all of it.  I continued to visit her about every 3-4 months.  We live on opposite coasts now.

The last time my husband of 16 years and I visited for my Grandsons birthday party.  Her behavior towards me and my husband was beyond awful.  Long story short we stopped talking.  I blocked her on my text because she was saying such horrible things I just wasn't strong enough to go through it again.  I came home and went to a therapist.  I felt like I was in a nightmare repeat performance. He suggested BPD.  I read up and sure enough I am almost certain that there is something wrong.  My husband and I took a family connections class and I just wasn't at that point yet. 

Anyhow, validation is good to know but if you knew my daughter you would know that me doing that would make her even more angry.

Anyhow, it has been 5 months since we have talked. I miss my grandsons (2 and 5).

The good news is that she is totally functional and responsible.  Overly responsible.  No sense of humor, no empathy.  I can't bare to think of her pain.  I am following the Mindfulness approach.  I am.  I have always been that way anyhow.  I really think she is better off not having me as a Trigger.

J.

[8daysAweek]

My heart feels for you Eyeamme.

Do you really believe that this NC is a boundary your daughter set, or that it might have been an "in the moment" reaction?

When I would get angry with my mom, I would tell her "to leave me alone", or "never talk to me again" (even though I lived under her roof). And it never lasted very long. A week later, she would take me to get ice cream after school, or we would go shopping together. Just because I felt angry or upset with her, didn't mean I didn't love her or want a mother-daughter relationship. I just didn't have the right skills to work out our differences back then.

I feel like it would be a good idea to let your D34 know that the door to a relationship with you is still open.

If she were to knock on that door would you have the skills for a better relationship with her than before?

-8days

 

[Eyeamme]

It was my boundary.  I actually was suicidal.  She was texting me really awful things.  I blocked her and her husband called to see if I was still coming for Xmas.  I said no that I really thought my daughter needed to go to therapy to work out her anger.  You see she and I had a talk and I apologized for some of the stupid stuff.  I can't sit around and be a punching bag. 30 years of it.  No fooling. She isn't talking to her Father, her brother, aunts or uncles.  It is everyones but her fault. I feel guilty but I can't take anymore from her.  I told her that I was here to talk to.  She wrote and told me that she never wants anything to do with me again and that she would not let me hurt her boys like I hurt her.

[Huat]

Hello Eyeamme:

My story is somewhat similar to yours. 

It struck a cord when in one of your posts you wrote, "I needed someone to say anything to me." 

We are now into our 4th year of no communication with our daughter (and she has made sure our granddaughters sided with her).Although I work hard to stay under control and not play the part of "victim"... .there are times when the hurt boils up and I need to vent to someone.   Most of the time they respond with... .silence.  They just don't know what to say because they have never felt the rage or disrespect from their child.  With that said, their silence can sometimes shame me.  I want to know I have been heard.

Keep working on the Mindfulness.  Take comfort in knowing others are walking down the same path as you.

[lbjnltx]

Is it no contact because you aren't able to tolerate her dysfunction?

I am a huge believer in boundaries, they saved me from having to go NC with people in my life.  I had to set some boundaries around emotional abuse, threats of suicide, threats to harm others... .once I set those boundaries I created a safe space mentally and emotionally to begin to learn the skills to stay in relationship with people.

I can enforce my boundary regarding emotional abuse/mental abuse and use my skills (not personalizing, validating,  taking a time out, stay in the moment, breathing, repeating my mantras) to do so without resentment, fear or escalation into crisis.

I posted this on the Detaching Board and it sums it up pretty well:

I can see why there would be a time for strict NC:

    It creates the space to heal oneself and minimizes further damage to

    self/other person.


Having strict NC is also a signal to self that we have work to do on self to:

    Heal

    Establish boundaries that we are comfortable enforcing

    Take responsibility for ourselves

    Develop empathy for those who are mentally ill so that we can forgive

    (not for their benefit, for ours)

lbj

Since the members on Detaching are not working towards having a relationship the skills learning is omitted.

What is your ultimate goal regarding a relationship with your daughter?

lbj

[Eyeamme]

Huat thanks for reaching out.  Thank you.  I am an excellent listener as well if you ever need an ear.  It sounds like you know exactly what I am going though.

lbjntx,

I would like to have a cordial relationship with my daughter.  I will never have the trust that it can be more than that. She is 34.  She is brilliant. She has an amazing husband. She has the most adorable boys ever (my grandsons and I am partial). She doesn't have any impulse problems.  She is very moral. No one on the "outside" would ever know anything.  I have learned techniques  and continue to read and practice.  If she wants to call me and have a relationship I am ready.

[lbjnltx]

That is awesome news!  You have worked very hard to reach this point Eyeamme and I am so happy for you.

Do you not reach out because she said not to?

Do you really believe that this NC is a boundary your daughter set, or that it might have been an "in the moment" reaction?

I feel like it would be a good idea to let your D34 know that the door to a relationship with you is still open.

We all have emotional reactions to things, people, situations, etc... .As time passes the emotions diminish and our pride keeps us from reaching out or reconnecting.  It's a tough pill to swallow.  As her mom and the healthier one in the relationship are you willing to reach out now that you are equipped with the skills you need to interact with her in a healthier and self protective way?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

No.  I do not know what that way would be because validation doesn't work with her. I would need to validate the invalid and I am not there yet to deal with the anger when I don't.  If I don't she stops talking to me.

[lbjnltx]

Yes, we definitely don't want to validate the invalid.

What kinds of things do you anticipate her saying that would put you in that situation?

[Eyeamme]

Not sure but that is a really good question. 

[lbjnltx]

My d would say things like:

I hate you and I know you hate me.

I want you to give up on me.

You are ruining my life.

You don't want me to be happy, if you did you would _____.

You are the worst mother in the world.

I wish you weren't my mother, I believe I was adopted.

I'd rather live on the street than live with you.


Does any of this sound familiar? 

lbj

[Eyeamme]

Ok so mine is really more to the jugular like.

You have never been there for me.

You are a horrible mother and grandmother

You were never there for me (this one is the worse).

Your best isn't good enough.  

now the part that I didn't get into... .We are talking 30 years of verbal abuse.  I haven't talked to her for 5 months but you know what?  I am starting to not disassociate.  I am starting to figure out that my daughter took over for my mother verbally beating me up.  No, I am not a victim. I am just saying how it is.  I think my mom is NPD. 30 years lbjntx. I have had a hard life. I am tired and kind of done.

[lbjnltx]

I know that you have been working hard over on the Coping and Healing Board to deal with how your Mom affected you Eyeamme.  I can't imagine having a verbally abusive parent during the years when character, identity, and sense of self are developing. 

When you say you are "kind of done" what are you referring to exactly if you can put it into words?

[Kwamina]

Hi Eyeamme

I am tired and kind of done.

That you are able to recognize this and put it into words is important. You have reached your limits and that means that it was time to start taking care of yourself and being more mindful of your own well-being on all levels, physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.

Being verbally abused by your daughter for so long isn't easy. Before that you also faced the abuse from your mother. I know your mother seems to have mellowed down a bit and even apologized to you, but the memories of course still remain. Now unfortunately you are facing similar abuse from your daughter.

I too find it very positive that you have used this period of NC to work on yourself and keep learning and growing. Though it's still hard, writing this letter for yourself is another step in your healing process.

Take care

[Eyeamme]

 lbjnltx, kind of done is referring to trying to have a relationship with my daughter.

Kwamina, thanks. I need this time for me.  I am not trying to "fix" it at this point.  I am letting things unfold as they will unfold.

I grew up with a mother telling me she hated me and a daughter telling me she hates me constantly.  So, when I say I am done, it means that I need to build myself up. To know that I am fine the way I am.  It has never been about ME so *I* am going to make it about me.  When I say "about me" I don't mean attention.  I just mean not hurting MY feelings.  I am not that sensitive but I have taken many shots.  My father died when I just had my daughter at 23 years old.  I was divorced by 30. My daughter was in a life threatening accident that was horrendous for all.  I have another child.  A son.  He has had to defend himself forever because I was not willing to go against my daughter or I would be in for a storm that I didn't know how to handle and no one was there to support me.  My mother wasn't there.  My family wasn't there.

On a happy note, my husband of 16 years is amazing and is there for me through all.  I have a peaceful life now but i have this disappointment (I know radical acceptance and I am working on it).

Thanks for your time.  I do not take it for granted.  I appreciate all of you.

[lbjnltx]

Looking back through this topic:

NC seems to be mutual between you and your daughter

You have taken this time of NC to work on self

You would like to have a relationship with your daughter

You have the skills now to do so in a healthy way

Your daughter doesn't respond well to validation

You don't have a plan to handle her anger when you disagree

You won't be the one to reach out to her and break NC

You are done trying to have a relationship with your daughter.

Where is this breaking down? 

You say you are letting it unfold as it will.  Does this mean you are waiting for her to make the first move or letting life circumstances dictate if you get back in contact with each other?

Are you working towards a goal regarding your relationship with your daughter?  If so, what is that goal?  It's ok to not have a goal regarding the relationship right now and to just work on personal healing.

lbj

[Eyeamme]

You have made me realize that I have no idea what I want.  I suppose what I want isn't possible.  For now I believe I am not strong or decisive enough to know what I want.  Thanks for talking this through with me.

J.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders