Improvement or Wistful Thinking?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi, new member here and first post. Hopefully this is the appropriate board to post on.

I have had some experience with two friends who were dating that were both diagnosed with BPD officially. During this time, I was having a tumultuous relationship with my on again and off again boyfriend of five years, too.

He is not officially diagnosed with the disorder, but there are a lot of similarities I have seen. As of recently, he has went through some life changes. When we were in contact again, we did fight, but they played out differently. He was apologetic for his behavior and even recognized it was irrational when I responded to a friend's message while we were hanging out. Before, he would simply stonewall me and it would take a very long time to understand why he was upset. He always had issues with me not paying enough attention to him.

However, also recently, he was upset because I didn't perform ideally for him physically and I stated I was tired. He got distant and cold, which triggered me because this has happened before.

I know I only am giving a brief snapshot of a very long and convoluted relationship, but I am definitely seeing improvement. He has been my only boyfriend and only boy I have been with. Right now we are not really talking much and he says he loves me and that things should drastically change. However, when we have gone NC, it has gone poorly in the past.

I'm feeling lost and really naive at times. I've been in therapy for codependency issues and I feel like I have a better grasp on things now. I just get conflicted with what I read online, often times people are very dismissive and say you must never talk to them again and that the cycle will never end. That gives me a sense of anxiety and dread.

I really do want to do the right thing, but sometimes I am tired of being the "stronger" and "stable" partner.

Hopefully I can receive some more constructive insight on this. Thank you.

[soul_salve]

Hi, new member here and first post. Hopefully this is the appropriate board to post on.

I have had some experience with two friends who were dating that were both diagnosed with BPD officially. During this time, I was having a tumultuous relationship with my on again and off again boyfriend of five years, too.

He is not officially diagnosed with the disorder, but there are a lot of similarities I have seen. As of recently, he has went through some life changes. When we were in contact again, we did fight, but they played out differently. He was apologetic for his behavior and even recognized it was irrational when I responded to a friend's message while we were hanging out. Before, he would simply stonewall me and it would take a very long time to understand why he was upset. He always had issues with me not paying enough attention to him.

However, also recently, he was upset because I didn't perform ideally for him physically and I stated I was tired. He got distant and cold, which triggered me because this has happened before.

I know I only am giving a brief snapshot of a very long and convoluted relationship, but I am definitely seeing improvement. He has been my only boyfriend and only boy I have been with. Right now we are not really talking much and he says he loves me and that things should drastically change. However, when we have gone NC, it has gone poorly in the past.

I'm feeling lost and really naive at times. I've been in therapy for codependency issues and I feel like I have a better grasp on things now. I just get conflicted with what I read online, often times people are very dismissive and say you must never talk to them again and that the cycle will never end. That gives me a sense of anxiety and dread.

I really do want to do the right thing, but sometimes I am tired of being the "stronger" and "stable" partner.

Hopefully I can receive some more constructive insight on this. Thank you.

[C.Stein]

Hello,   

It is ok to feel lost and confused, most everyone here has felt that way at one time or another.  The constant instability and doubt that is a result of the push-pull behavior wrecks havoc on you emotionally.  You are in the FOG and can't see anything clearly.

What is the status of your relationship right now?  What do you want for yourself in this relationship?  What do you feel is the right thing to do for you?

[soul_salve]

Thanks for the response, I appreciate it.

Right now, we are not currently in a relationship, but we are communicating. Often times, I try to be very aware of my own anxiety in regards to interacting with people now because of the past. I want this relationship to first have a stable foundation with healthy communication, but it's hard to establish that without just jumping headfirst into things. I really am proud of how I've learned to establish boundaries for myself and I feel stronger than I did at the start. I know the right thing for me to do is prioritize school and he is aware of that. He has been very respectful of that wish since I told him that. So, in that way, he is accommodating. I think I ultimately want stability because I am soon going to enter a high risk profession.

[C.Stein]

Stability is something you should have, especially in a high risk career.  Realistically speaking, relationships with borderlines are rarely stable and this is something you will need to prepare for if deciding to move forward. 

I completely understand the desire for stability.  It was one of two things I wanted with my ex before I could completely commit to marriage/family.  It is also something that never really materialized.  This could be in part due to my ignorance of BPD but largely was due to her inability to provide the stability I felt was needed for marriage and children.  I never felt confident she would not run when things got tough or do her part in building and maintaining a healthy relationship.  As it turns out my lack of confidence was for good reason.

Educate yourself about the disorder.  There are many resources on this site to help you with that.  Read other peoples stories, particularly on the Improving Board.  Go into the relationship with your eyes wide open and be prepared for the role you will need to take.  Ask any questions you might have, we are here to help.   

[soul_salve]

Thank you again, I will definitely be reviewing other people's answers and assessing what questions I will need to ask!