Do the BPD want to be intimate after a break up, despite nasty things said of me

[Sluggo]

Divorcing my BPDwife.  I have lived out of the house for about 3 months.  I have stopped having feelings for her.  She has told me especially in the last 4 years how much she hated me and wanted me to leave.   We have been married 18 years.  But she came to my house and said she wanted to 'be intimate' not to change my mind on divorcing but to 'have fun'.  She said after all we are still married.   I said no about 10 times but she came towards me kissing me and then I folded and gave in.  It was the worse experience I have ever had with her intimately.  I felt like it was someone different and I was having an affair.  Not one word was said and then afterwards she got up and left. It was very surreal and 8:30 in the morning.

That night I was dropping off the kids and she wanted to be 'intimate again' asking me to invite her back to my apartment.  I said no and she came at me kissing me.  I stopped it after 10 seconds and then she kept asking me to invite me back to the apartment.  I kept saying no (literally over 100 times said).   She said she wanted to do it one last time as she would start having negative feelings of me when the lawyers start to litigate. Then after about 90 min elapsed she continuted to escalate and by the end she was crying and kept asking, begging, pleading saying what is so wrong with me that you do not want me.    It was very sad.  I finally left - because she was holding on to my jacket not letting me go the entire time- as she fell on the ground crying. 

In the morning was a note on my door apologizing saying it would never happen again.

Is that one last attempt?  Is she trying to get me back into the relationship?  Was she trying to get pregnant even though she said she was not fertile. Did she want to start thinking of our relationship like one people have 'in college'.  A hook up girlfriend.  Is that a normal behavoir when breaking up from a BPD spouse

[once removed]

hi sluggo and

this kind of behavior (having sex during separation/divorce) is not at all uncommon or limited to relationships that include a borderline partner. a close friend of mine is going through a divorce and has done the same a few times.

i understand this is all very confusing. a person with BPD experiences two conflicting fears, abandonment and engulfment. a diagnostic criteria of BPD is frantic attempts to avoid abandonment. in essence, that is what you are experiencing. she gave you a very profound, unique bit of insight when she said that she would start having negative feelings of you when the lawyers start to litigate. this is common as well. do you share children? you may want to have a look at our Family Law board, and if you share children, our co-parenting board.

as far as your specific questions go, i recommend having a look here: PERSPECTIVES: Relationship recycling [romantic partners] 

[peace74]

Hello.

Mine discarded me and still wanted to have sex.  He still does.  2 months after he left I said yes to sex.  It was the same as you described.  Just the sex act and gone.  No emotion, awkward. I had to ask for a hug before he left.  My emotions were all over the place.  He was either trying to avoid his and shut them off or he just really doesn't have them.  I don't know, I'm still trying to figure that out.  I told him I couldn't do it without some kind of relationship or working towards being together again.  So then we started "dating".  So strange to be married to someone and share everything you did but he seems to be able to take just the parts he wants.  He also asks to be "sex buddies" when he is worried I might look for it elsewhere.  Which I'm not but even if I deviate from my normal pattern or go out he will ask.  I don't think he can stand the thought of me with someone else but he doesn't want everything a relationship entails.