Parents' rejection after placing boundaries between myself and uBPD sister

[keepingcalm]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this message board.  Thank you to everyone who has been contributing and keeping such a wonderful, dynamic resource available to so many.

I have a sister with uBPD and, I'm fairly sure, a mother with BPD traits.  That leaves my dad, who is dismissive, and me. 

I am struggling with managing my anger and resentment towards my FOO, grieving for them, and holding conflicting feelings at having nc with my sister with uBPD.  On the one hand- relieved and happy not to have conflict or drama, on the other- nc has led to my relationship with my parents being worse off and now lc with them. So, no draining and demoralising conflict but feels like I have lost my entire FOO.   

I understand now in my mid 30s that the chronic conflict and tension in my FOO stems from BPD. Like many of the experiences I have been reading on this forum, my sister's difficult behaviour was always minimised or described as her anxiety condition (she had a diagnosis of OCD growing up) but I was also blamed because I could not fix / help / make room for / or accept the bad behaviour directed towards me and/or my parents. I grew up in a state of anxiety and trepidation as the conflict was always intense, destructive, unpredictable and never resolved.   

As an adult, my sister is pretty high functioning, does not have any D&A dependency issues and does have a fairly stable group of friends, but her longstanding emotional regulation problems, sense of entitlement, and aggressive behaviours continue to impact on her close family and romantic relationships. To those closest to her she demands to be treated as special, and has an uncanny ability to ruin any family get-together or special occasion.

She has seen numerous mental health professionals in adolescence and adulthood, and has been medicated with antidepressants and mood stabilisers.  She is less reactive when on medication, 'easier to live with', but the lack of empathy, lack of boundaries, splitting, entitlement and negativity remain and we have always needed to be very careful and non-reactive around her for fear of retribution by way of massive, soul destroying arguments that seem to leave everyone but her in tears. I suspect previous psychiatrists and psychologists have considered BPD, though have not made a formal diagnosis that me or my parents are aware of. 

As I was the older one (older by 14 months), I was enlisted by my parents to help them by understanding/accepting/making room for my sister's difficulties, and to provide direct emotional support, especially for my mum.  Looking back, the difficulties my mother had coping as a parent of a child with BPD were very BPD-like themselves (melting down, idolising then tearing down both my sister and I, holding strongly to a victim narrative, threatening to leave, becoming depressed and projecting those feelings onto me).  Plus I look at my mother's reactions to my getting married and my nc with my sister, and I become even more convinced my mum has BPD traits.

Since getting engaged and then married 2 years ago, the whole dynamic in my family has shifted. I started putting up some boundaries with my sister.  I was no longer emotionally as available during times of crisis although continued to offer practical support, but the big thing I did was I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid (she was included in the ceremony but she made it clear to me she would have hated being a bridesmaid, but then told my parents she was insulted).

My parents did not cope with this and have cast me as selfish, cruel and 'changed' ever since. My mum threatened not to come to the wedding, was antagonistic in the lead up, took 5 valiums 'to get through the day' and then described it as the 'most horrific day of her life.'   My sister appears to have gained a larger sense of entitlement with this/appears happy with my parents being so unhappy and angry with me.

A subsequent conversation with my sister with her threatening to divulge personal information to my friends about one of my closest friends pushed the envelope further.  I followed through with calmly ending the phone conversation, saying I would not like to talk to her about the subject further, but it feels like this just provided a convenient platform onto which she has further cast me as 'self-righteous' 'thinking I'm better than everyone' and has cut off contact with me.  She has relayed this message loud and clear to my parents who blame me and are putting pressure on me to make amends even though she is the one who has instigated the nc.

My parents, particularly my mum, can't accept I do not speak with my sister (even though this has been my sister's choice) and has threatened to not see me, blames me for her poor health and continues to ask me to make room for my sister's behaviour. 

The whole family seem to have cast me as the scapegoat and that I have 'changed' and am 'cruel' all because I put in place some healthy boundaries between myself and my sister, and previous to the nc at the time of my wedding, because I wanted and went about organising a day that would be healthier and happier and more authentic for me and my husband.

I have a 3 month old daughter now and my sister has not congratulated me let alone visited, my parents have never called to see how we are going or to offer a hand.  They clearly love their grand daughter but make very little effort to see her. I get the distinct impression they believe I am the one being 'changed' and 'distant' since marrying, and I am the one not making enough effort with them e.g., I should be taking my daughter to see them more, and now my mum has another complaint and remains the mother with a thankless and cruel child.

My sister and parents appear to be getting on better than they ever have.   

Agghh... .I'm just so fed up with all of this.  I have worked so hard to make a happy life for myself and my family and yet my FOO seem to want me to be unhappy.  They are punishing me for getting out of the unhealthy dynamic of being pushed around and 'played' by my sister. They contradict everything they claim- that they want me to be happy- by being so unhappy with me all the time. I miss having a family and I'm grieving something that perhaps was never there in the first place- the unconditional love and support of my parents. I have discovered it is indeed conditional. But I also want my daughter to know her grand parents and for my parents to open their eyes and see how they too are being manipulated to some extent. 

Thanks for providing this space to post!

[Kwamina]

Hi keepingcalm and welcome to bpdfamily

It can definitely be very tough dealing with disordered family-members. You strongly suspect your sister has BPD and now also believe your mother might have it because of her strong BPD traits.

Whether your sister officially has BPD or not, her behavior does sounds quite problematic and difficult to handle. Setting and enforcing/defending boundaries is very important when dealing with disordered family-members. Boundaries are primarily for our own protection and I am glad you have been able to take steps to shield yourself from you sister's difficult behavior.

I do understand your sadness though. On here we often talk about the fantasy parent or sibling. Accepting the reality of our BPD loved ones is tough because it also means letting go of the loving 'fantasy' parent or sibling we never had, yet might still long for. It sounds like this is also what you are struggling with now.

You talk about your wedding two years ago and being NC with your sister, though she's the one who actually initiated the NC. Did the NC start right around your marriage or was it later? How long have you been NC with her now? Is this the first time that you've been NC with her?

Do you believe your parents truly understand that there is something wrong with your sister's behavior? Have they ever in any way truly acknowledged that she has problems? Do you perhaps feel that your parents are in denial about your sister?

Take care and congrats on the baby!

[Notwendy]

Hi keepingcalm,

I am sorry for your situation, and I experienced it myself. Consider that BPD in a family does not exist alone as it is a disorder of relationships. Even if other family members do not have BPD, other members can take on dysfunctional roles as a means of coping. These can be learned behaviors or part of a disorder, or traits. Sometimes it isn't easy to tell as the parents themselves may have been raised in dysfunctional FOO's and are using behaviors they learned in them. Some of these behaviors can include denial, co-dependency, enabling.

Growing up, we were not allowed to consider that my mother wBPD was anything but perfectly normal. Asking about her behaviors was not allowed and as kids, we were expected to obey her and keep her happy. This included keeping our mouths shut about her. When, as an adult, I began to learn about her diagnosis, and set boundaries, I was promptly rejected. Naturally, I was very hurt, but now I see it is part of the dynamics.

Families exist in a sort of balance. If one member has a disorder, the family adjusts in its own way. Often the children in these families take on roles: golden child, scapegoat. In my family, every one became caretakers/enablers to my mother. If a family member steps out of their role, it can create an imbalance. The first response is to try to get the member to return to their role. If this doesn't work, they can "reject ' the member for creating the imbalance.

When I experienced this, I felt I was placed in a position of choosing me- the authentic me- or them. It was sad that I was in this position, but to them, it was their way or not. The only choice that I could make was for me and I did, and while it was hurtful, to not choose to step out of the role of enabler was not acceptable.  I later have been able to have a relationship with my mother, but it includes my boundaries. I had to learn to be strong enough to withstand her being angry. But I have not been unkind or uncaring to my parents. It was their interpretations of me and I can not control that.

This was difficult, but what surprised me was my mother's FOO. They are not disordered as far as I know and are highly educated, functional members who have witnessed her behavior. Surely, I imagined that these intelligent people knew she had a disorder. Yet, when I set boundaries I received critical e mails from them telling me how wonderful she is.  Although I have run into them at some family events, they have not spoken to me otherwise in years. So apparently they too reject people who don't go along with her.

It is sad that people who we care about behave like this, but ultimately I felt- as you do- that for the emotional well being of my own family- and myself - I had to not participate in these enabling family dynamics. This also included doing some personal work on my own emotional growth. Our families influence us, sometimes good, sometimes not. Learning new ways of interacting takes some work, but I think it is worth it.

[Notwendy]

One quality I have observed ( even in the absence of a disorder) in families with poor boundaries is enmeshement. In my mother's FOO, they can behave as one single unit. It is all of them, or none of them. Trying to have a relationship with one of them doesn't seem to be an option. So, if you invite one member to do something, and not the whole of them, that one member will not go. If you discuss something with one of them, then you may as well have told all of them because they tell the others.

I don't deliberately leave my mother out of some family news but there were some times I may have spoken to a cousin first, and within minutes, an e mail has gone out reporting it or someone calls my mother before I have even had the chance to speak to her- then she gets irritated. This isn't major news. It might be that I said " kids team won at soccer" or something like that. ( I don't share personal news to any of them, or on social media). Mom is not on Facebook, but if I post a picture of the kids, within minutes one of them would have downloaded it and e mailed it to her. Then, I get a call from her about it. She has painted me black to them for years, telling them I am keeping the kids from her ( I am not) and so they gather information for her. Although they have not spoken to me personally, they did stay FB "friends" with me but don't interact with me. I don't care as I do not get into social media drama, but will occasionally post a picture of the kids.

For some people growing up in this kind of FOO, even if they are not disordered, I think they can be enmeshed and have poor boundaries. When one person decides to have boundaries, it is interpreted as disloyalty and disrespect.

[katydid27]

Congrats on the new daughter! 

I've had that happen to me and I wanted to give you some validation/support. You are doing the right thing for you and your immediate family to set boundaries with Family of Origin.

I put in place some healthy boundaries between myself and my sister, and previous to the nc at the time of my wedding, because I wanted and went about organising a day that would be healthier and happier and more authentic for me and my husband.

Yep.  You changed things. To make life better for yourself. Good for you!

That they don't like the changes?  They don't have to like it.  They can be grumpy if they want to be.

I have a 3 month old daughter now... .I get the distinct impression they believe I am the one being 'changed' and 'distant' since marrying, and I am the one not making enough effort with them e.g., I should be taking my daughter to see them more, and now my mum has another complaint and remains the mother with a thankless and cruel child.

That's the story they tell themselves. That you don't make effort. When actually, you are making HUGE efforts with them in the form of making healthy boundaries.

You know what? They can tell themselves whatever story.  You don't have to believe or participate in the story they tell themselves.  Because you are busy creating and writing your OWN story.

My BPD father does that one. He tells himself a similar story --  that I'm changed, I'm different, my in laws have me stuck up or whatever.  Telling himself that story relieves him of taking personal responsibility for his actions. Besides, it's just another story. When I was younger like a kid or unmarried student? The story went more like "You are spoiled, you are too big for your britches, you are disrespectful" when I would have boundaries, say NO,  and not do what he wanted me to do.   

The ACTUAL fact is that he's very enmeshed and does not see that his kids are people SEPARATE from him with a mind and will of their own.    He believes we exist to serve him, prop him up, do things for him, and protect him from the world so he never has to feel yucky things, etc.  Very "victim/helpless" mentality. 

The ACTUAL fact is that we don't have to do any of that. We choose what we do/do not participate in.

They contradict everything they claim- that they want me to be happy- by being so unhappy with me all the time.

Makes sense to me! That's how my BPD father acts. I don't see that as a contradiction.  Just missing some words.

They want you to be happy (to return to the unhealthy dynamic you USED to participate in.)

They are unhappy with you all the time (because you don't hop back in to do what they want.)

Something has to be "wrong" with you because it cannot be them or their unrealistic expectations of you that are wrong.

I miss having a family and I'm grieving something that perhaps was never there in the first place- the unconditional love and support of my parents. I have discovered it is indeed conditional.

Yes, I remember mourning that at the beginning. It's hard.  Especially when there's a new baby and you wish to share that joy.

I wished I had had a normal FOO growing up, but I didn't.  I mourned it and then I over time I let it go and focused on my current immediate family. I'm glad you are doing that for yourself/your immediate family. Especially the baby.

But I also want my daughter to know her grand parents and for my parents to open their eyes and see how they too are being manipulated to some extent.

What's best for the infant? Maybe you prefer that she have a quiet, stable infancy first than be around scary or unreliable seeming people as a baby? I guess it depends on how badly they behave?   

What's best for you? If it is best to just stick with LC/NC, don't feel bad about that. 

I have never seen any kid books about BPD but when my Dad started with the Alzheimer (which in turn made it harder for him to hide his BPD related outbursts), I gave my then 4 year old the to help her understand my father having a fit.

""What's Happening to Grandpa?" by Maria Shriver

"I Just Don't Like the Sound of No!" by Julia Cook

"I Can't Believe You Said That!" by Julia Cook

"My Mouth is a Volcano" by Julia Cook

It helped that she was trying to LEARN the social skills as a preschooler, and that he was on the other end -- the mental illness was making him lose the skills. (I didn't tell her that some of them he never had in the first place!)

It made it easier for her to understand what was happening, that it was NOT her doing or her fault because I don't put it past my BPD to start blame shifting on to her like he blame shifts on to me.

As a child, she needs help seeing it's the illness talking and she is NOT responsible. She didn't make him ill. He didn't make him ill either, but it IS his responsibility to follow his management/treatment plan.

Just like YOU are not responsible for whatever stories the parents tell themselves about you or your BPD sister.  They choose to wake up or not to wake up.  Each person is responsible for their own self and their own stuff.

Katydid

[lexicat]

Boy does this sound like my family except that in my family my mother has BPD and it was my brother and step father who thought I was selfish, cruel and "changed" when I tried to put down boundaries. I had to choose no contact with my mother after I started to set boundaries because her behaviour got markedly worse and she became violent. When I made this choice my brother and step father chose to break all contact with me and I effectively lost my entire family. This happened 11 years ago now and I still come here now and then to see that I'm not alone.

I often wish that families didn't work like this - for me it seems really obvious that if everyone in my family had backed me up and set boundaries themselves we would all be better off including my BPD mom. We would all have contact now and could support each other through this. Unfortunately many families do get enmeshed, co dependent and even seem to develop their own illnesses over time. All you can do is keep yourself, your husband and your daughter safe and keep moving in the direction your going in. I have an 8 year old son now and he's my motivation for continuing in a positive direction.

You're not alone and you found the right place to share. This board got me through so many things! 

Congratulations on your wedding and baby girl!

Lexicat

[keepingcalm]

Wow, thank to everyone who has contributed to this, my first post.  I can't express in words how renewing and helpful it has been to hear your ideas, reflections, insights and personal stories.  

Your posts have:

i) helped me feel far far less alone,

ii) helped me understand BPD families better, and how BPD can make whole families disordered (makes so much sense!)

iii) made me think about enmeshment and the role it has played, and

iv) given me strength to continue with what I know to be the right path, despite feelings of grief and loss.  

Thank you so so much.

Sending you all- Lexicat, Kwamina, KatyDid and NotWendy, a big thank you and I look forward to your posts and news.