Doesn't understand

[Debmark]

My youngest daughter 23 has BPD and her sister 24 doesn't understand nor does she want to understand what her sister is going through. My oldest thinks that her sister does everything for attention. When I told her that I found this site and some of the issues other parents are going through with their BPD child she says that we will never agree on anything regarding her sister.  I just want my oldest to have a better understanding of what her sister is going through. My oldest has been emotionally abused, chased with a knife and the list goes on. My oldest feels that all attention has to be given to my youngest or my youngest will steal the attention. This has been going on for years. My oldestr events her sister for everything she has put her through and also for everything my youngest is putting me through.   Can anyone help me make my oldest to understand what is going on with her sister.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

As much as we would like our non kids to understand... .we can't make anyone understand.  When she is ready to let go of the blame game and heal she will.

We can help them by using the same skills we use w/our BPDkids... .validate their feelings.

Your d feels slighted because so much attention went to BPDsister

Your d feels angry that she had to deal with abusive behaviors from BPDsister

Your d may be angry with you for not protecting her from BPDsister

Your d may feel scared for you... .what will the future hold?

And so many more emotions... .

[suzeeJ]

Hi Debmark

I'm experiencing the same thing.

In my case the siblings are younger, but still... .EXTREMELY resentful... .think my BPDd steals far too much of my attention.

They often just - don't like her.

It breaks my heart, becoz when my BPD is in a good space she is just the most wonderful person. And I know that even when she's in a bad space... .she is that same wonderful being on the inside.

But the siblings get very angry. One in particular is very nasty to the pbd. I think he is a bit embarrassed of her in front of his friends coz she's a bit "way out" ... .and he's so full of anger.

I can't get them to understand.

I can't really accept that time will sort things out. It is VERY stressful for all of us to live under these circumstances.

There's also the issue of sensitivity.

How do we deal with our BPD who themselves claim there is nothing wrong with them and start having tantrums if we try to address it, and worse... .we feel we are causing them even MORE pain when this is followed by them sitting in their room for days ... .in pain and feeling rejected.

WHAT TO DO? 

[Rockieplace]

I have the same experience with my BPDD33's younger sister.  She is so angry with my BPDD and has no patience at all with her.  This is despite the fact that she hasn't suffered very much abuse from my BPDD.  She accuses her, though, of putting us through endless torment and grief and also of manipulating us into running around after her.  I try my best to defend my BPDD by repeating that she is ill and harming mainly herself.  I also point out that most of the behaviours are absolutely typical of the illness.  It falls on deaf ears for the most part.  My non-BPDD is very forthright which, of course, is very upsetting at times to the heightened sensitivities of my BPDD. 

It is a difficult illness to explain to the uninitiated as of course there are times when my BPDD  seems very capable and effective when it comes to getting what she wants and other times  when she is completely hopeless and helpless.

Mental illness attracts so little sympathy generally I have found and BPD seems to be abhorred even by some in the mental health profession from my experience, which is very sad indeed.  As mentioned before, my BPDD was in the mental health profession herself and, before her diagnosis, expressed a strong dislike for patients with BPD, whether that was because she recognized her own characteristics in them or not I'm not quite sure.  When my daughter was diagnosed I was surprised that she accepted the diagnosis but she then said "you watch, mum, they will just try to get rid of me as quickly from their case load as possible"  This, unfortunately, proved to be true much to my dismay.

I don't think you can force the pace of understanding.  I am just beginning to know better how to behave myself so I'm just trying to concentrate on that. 

It must be so hard for those of you with BPD and non BPD kids still living at home under the same roof.  My heart goes out to you.