Confabulating

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just had visit with son and DIL.  uBPD DIL has told my son and my daughter that she has "issues" with my husband and I.  We have asked DIL to discuss with us the "issues" that she has with us, which she has never done because "she doesn't have time".  She did tell me son and daughter that she feels that my husband and I don't think that she is good enough for my son and that we act "better than her" and that at a party at my home 7 years ago we were not "welcoming to her family".  After doing a lot of reading and attempting to work on my reactions to DIL, the visit was going fairly well, until DIL send me an email (while I was staying at her house) accusing me of making a disparaging remark about her that I never did.  I did not immediately see the email so she confronted me.  I did not want to get into an argument and have a big blow up by telling her that I never made the remark because from experience I have found that it causes extreme behavior if you disagree with her.  So, I just told her that IF I did say what she said that I said I apologize.  Of course it didn't end there she had to go on and on about how she thinks that she is not good enough for our son.  No matter we say, she holds firm to that.  So, the question that I have, who someone with BPD actually confabulate such things just to cause conflict?

Also, we have noted that when we visit, she keeps us isolated from her family and their friends.   My husband and I almost feel that she doesn't want anyone to see that we really aren't the people that she describes.  Could we be right about that?  Would that be part of BPD?

[nicole76]

Just had visit with son and DIL.  uBPD DIL has told my son and my daughter that she has "issues" with my husband and I.  We have asked DIL to discuss with us the "issues" that she has with us, which she has never done because "she doesn't have time".  She did tell me son and daughter that she feels that my husband and I don't think that she is good enough for my son and that we act "better than her" and that at a party at my home 7 years ago we were not "welcoming to her family".  After doing a lot of reading and attempting to work on my reactions to DIL, the visit was going fairly well, until DIL send me an email (while I was staying at her house) accusing me of making a disparaging remark about her that I never did.  I did not immediately see the email so she confronted me.  I did not want to get into an argument and have a big blow up by telling her that I never made the remark because from experience I have found that it causes extreme behavior if you disagree with her.  So, I just told her that IF I did say what she said that I said I apologize.  Of course it didn't end there she had to go on and on about how she thinks that she is not good enough for our son.  No matter we say, she holds firm to that.  So, the question that I have, who someone with BPD actually confabulate such things just to cause conflict?

Also, we have noted that when we visit, she keeps us isolated from her family and their friends.   My husband and I almost feel that she doesn't want anyone to see that we really aren't the people that she describes.  Could we be right about that?  Would that be part of BPD?

[HappyChappy]

So, the question that I have, who someone with BPD actually confabulate such things just to cause conflict?

I’m so sorry you DIL is acting this way, it must be very frustrating, especially when it’s not clear why. The short answer to your confabulation question is Yes. A BPD indulges in fantasy thinking and tries to bend the facts to shore up their fantasy. They do however try to weave their lies on an element of truth but your DIL may very well believe her own hype.

The other BPD aspect at play here is their main fear is abandonment. Hence why she may have said she wasn’t good enough for your son – testing the bond. But BPD will naturally try to isolate their family members, so they will try to ward all hubbies friends and relations. They often use divide and conquer – last thing she wants is you conspiring with her family, hence why you must kept apart. They also want to be centre of attention, so why bring in others ?

So having a problem they won’t speak about is an effective way of doing this.  So in short it’s probably not you, and it was only a matter of time before that happened. A BPD tends to have black and white thinking, so you’re either for her or against her.  Their way or no way, typically. Understanding how a BPD works is the first step in dealing with them, and there are many techniques on this website that can help. In some rare cases a BPD has gone for therapy and improved, but they first have to except they’ve done something wrong or they need to change, which is rare. Looking at someone with BPD as an 8 year old helps me, because their emotional behaviour in some respects hasn’t gone beyond that of an 8 year old. So they have no empathy, they have tantrums and do the silent treatment etc... etc...   However if you employ some of the following, I’m sure you’ll start to get a better response:

Communication Skills - Validation

Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD (3 minute instructional video)

There are other techniques such as S.E.T. you might want to look at. Also “Medium Chill” is a great way of staying off their radar, here you simply don’t react to any of their provocations whilst indicating you're not ignoring them and they lose interest in you, you keep engaged. They want a reaction to demonstrate they can manipulate you. Hope these are of some help. Feel free to post more on this topic.

[understandnow]

I can relate to your issues with your Dil.  Mine has berated me for years and only the last year I have come to radical acceptance.  I've read everything I can get my hands on and know now that no matter how much I am kind to her, she will never see me as smeone who loves her children the same.  My son, her husband has another older child from a previous relationship that we have co raised with the mother of his child.  He has no relationship with this child.  My Dil constantly accuses our family that we love her more than her three children from my son.  I have searched my soul and truly don't feel we have treated the children any differently nor do we love them any less.  Any time we request to see the grandkids she refuses.  She restricts us from seeing her children.  The sad part is my son needs to go along with her.  She made him choose her over his child many years ago.  He choose her.  So many twists to their relationship, so unhealthy. 

The only advice I can give you is read everything you can on BPD.  Know your boundaries and accept the fact you will never be anything else in her life but a threat to your son. 

[nicole76]

Thank you for the replies.  They were very helpful and insightful. I really need to work on the validation skill.  I guess like anything else, practice makes perfect.

[understandnow]

Nicole76, practice makes better not perfect.  You can say and do all the right things and there is no guarantee you BPD person will not disregulate in front of you.  Yes, validation is important. But knowing when to take a time out is essential in your wellbeing.

[nicole76]

I am having some difficulty with the validation since DIL has not expressed her "issues". 

Many people in my life think that I should not visit my son and his family because of my DIL, but isn't that exactly what she wants?  To cut our family out of their lives? 

[HappyChappy]

I am having some difficulty with the validation since DIL has not expressed her "issues". 

Many people in my life think that I should not visit my son and his family because of my DIL, but isn't that exactly what she wants?  To cut our family out of their lives? 

It could well be that is your DIL's plan. A BPD will isolate as a way of control.  Also we validate the valid, if she doesn’t present a valid issue there isn't anything to validate. It's a great way of ensuring conflict, and conflict is how a BPD manipulates, so they will manufacture it.

Speaking as the child of a BPD, contact with the outside world, saved me. It inhibits the behaviour of a BPD as they care how they are perceived. So I would highly recommend hanging in there. Another approach you can take is Medium Chill. Here you are simply demonstrate you are listening but you don’t react at all to the provocation. You don't give out any personal details they can use against you. You can use excuses like going to the toilet, to break off any tricky conversations.  A BPD loses interest in someone they can’t wind up as they can’t manipulate them. You also become less of a threat, as you won’t be conflicting with them. The biggest fear a BPD has is abandonment, so they typically fear their partners parents and ex's as they see them as people who can take their partner away from them.

Hope this helps, and good luck.  If you can master “Medium Chill” it will make things so much easier. For example sending you an e-mail when you’re in the same house is manipulative, but if you can get to the stage where you’re not bothered and don’t react, then it becomes funny and you can start to enjoy the visits. Easier said then done, but I’ve read countless threads from people that have had success, just takes a bit of practice.

[understandnow]

Love the "medium chill". It's been working for me so far.  Notice the so far! 

[busybee1116]

I am having some difficulty with the validation since DIL has not expressed her "issues". 

That's a toughie. You get to guess and imagine.

"You seem frustrated, I would love to understand why."

"I can imagine it's hard to feel on the outside, I'm sorry if any comment I made at that party made you feel unwelcome. That was not my intention."

"I felt at odds with my mother-in-law sometimes, I wonder if you feel the same way. I'd like to have a different relationship with you."

"I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I've heard from others that you aren't comfortable around us. I'd rather hear from you and give you that respect rather than gossiping."

Confabulating is like HappyChappy said--sometimes--usually--it's based on a shred of truth and then bent to fit their perspective or belief. I have a uBPD client who was supposed to have an appointment with me earlier this week. Somehow her appointment got canceled (clerical error--scheduler figured out what happened) and she was offered another slot.  Scheduler explained what happened, apologized for the error. Client FLIPPED OUT, spent 30 minutes complaining loudly to the point had to get office mgr involved and later told me front desk made a huge error "and this is not the first time!", back office lied to her "on many occasions" and everyone made her feel unwelcome and unwanted, worst she had ever felt in her life... .Now, I would be annoyed if the same thing happened to me, but I would not flip out like that or make up stories that everyone in our office lies to her all the time and always messes up her appointment times. I'm certain she has felt worse at other times. But, in the eyes of BPD, this is the only moment she has ever lived and it was the worst moment ever. Last visit, we were the best office ever and she brought us homemade candy.