I can't handle my uBPD sister

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi everyone 

First post here (it's a long one and a bit of a rant/ramble-my apologies. I just need to get some things off my chest). It's been a long time coming and I've recently learned of BPD after almost 30 years of my sister's "outbursts." I was seeing a T recently and she told me that my sister was a classic case of BPD (and the most classic case she had ever heard of). Of course, I can never tell my sister this but merely have to deal with her and her behavior. She's 18 months younger than me (I'm 30) but it seems like she's 15. Other days, she's a completely mature adult. I just never know who I'm going to get on a daily basis.

Growing up, she always had to be the center of attention. I was the "Good kid" and she was the wild, rebellious child. She constantly lied, cheated, and would forge my mother's signatures in grade school on her failing mid-terms. Meanwhile, I competed in pageants, made honor roll each semester, and played sports. Making friends was easy for me but never for her. Every sleepover she had, her friends would end up in my room because my sister got mad at them for some trivial reason and didn't want to be friends anymore. She was violent towards me and would lie with a straight face. It was quite scary at times.

My sister and I have never been close. We fought all of the time while we were younger and once I left for college, I had very little to do with her. As awful as it sounds, it was nice not having to deal with her. As I have gotten older, I still don't have much to do with her. Emotionally, it's draining and I feel that she sucks the life right out of me. I'm constantly on alert with her and find that I cant relax around her. When I go home for holidays, I typically go home  day or two earlier just to be with my parents before the "tornado" comes home. you can literally feel the air being sucked out of the house the minute she arrives- almost like a feeling of dread.

Lately our interaction has become much more frequent as she's getting married next month. She's been reaching out to me every week and says that she wants a relationship with me. However, I came to realize that the only reason she calls me is to talk about her wedding, her wedding vendors, her dress, and what's going on in her life- it's all about her. She doesn't truly care about me or my feelings. It's all for show and yet I'm the one who will come out of this looking bad because I don't want a relationship with my sister.

She tells my parents how she wants me to be close to her and for us to spend time together but I just can't do it. I can't handle the constant up and down emotions, the outbursts, and the constant walking on eggshells around her. I can't trust her at all. She physically and emotionally wears me out and I can't take it much longer. She wants me to be the godmother to her future children (it's weird that she even asked and yet she isn't pregnant yet) and it's the absolute last thing I'd ever want to do. Truthfully, after the wedding, I want as little to do with her as possible. If I never saw her again, that would be fine with me. She's destroyed my family and has lead to years of pain and therapy.

My parents want us to be close and often say that "Your sister will be all you have left one day." I can't imagine a day when I'd ever need her. I haven't needed her for the past 30 years and she's caused me nothing but pain. I've tried to get past our issues but as soon as I do, she has an outburst or says something horrible and my walls get thrown up again. It's a vicious cycle and one that I'm desperate to end.

She keeps asking me if I've written a speech for her wedding. I don't really know what I'm going to say as it's going to feel like going to a wedding for a stranger. I feel nothing for her. I've come to accept that we'll never be close. I can't do it. I don't know how to deal with her anymore, especially when it comes to her wedding. My mom and I joke about how she's going to be an absolute monster on her wedding day... .only we both know that we aren't joking. I need boundaries with her but I don't even know where to start... .Maybe someone can give some advice?

[DisappointedSis]

Hi everyone 

First post here (it's a long one and a bit of a rant/ramble-my apologies. I just need to get some things off my chest). It's been a long time coming and I've recently learned of BPD after almost 30 years of my sister's "outbursts." I was seeing a T recently and she told me that my sister was a classic case of BPD (and the most classic case she had ever heard of). Of course, I can never tell my sister this but merely have to deal with her and her behavior. She's 18 months younger than me (I'm 30) but it seems like she's 15. Other days, she's a completely mature adult. I just never know who I'm going to get on a daily basis.

Growing up, she always had to be the center of attention. I was the "Good kid" and she was the wild, rebellious child. She constantly lied, cheated, and would forge my mother's signatures in grade school on her failing mid-terms. Meanwhile, I competed in pageants, made honor roll each semester, and played sports. Making friends was easy for me but never for her. Every sleepover she had, her friends would end up in my room because my sister got mad at them for some trivial reason and didn't want to be friends anymore. She was violent towards me and would lie with a straight face. It was quite scary at times.

My sister and I have never been close. We fought all of the time while we were younger and once I left for college, I had very little to do with her. As awful as it sounds, it was nice not having to deal with her. As I have gotten older, I still don't have much to do with her. Emotionally, it's draining and I feel that she sucks the life right out of me. I'm constantly on alert with her and find that I cant relax around her. When I go home for holidays, I typically go home  day or two earlier just to be with my parents before the "tornado" comes home. you can literally feel the air being sucked out of the house the minute she arrives- almost like a feeling of dread.

Lately our interaction has become much more frequent as she's getting married next month. She's been reaching out to me every week and says that she wants a relationship with me. However, I came to realize that the only reason she calls me is to talk about her wedding, her wedding vendors, her dress, and what's going on in her life- it's all about her. She doesn't truly care about me or my feelings. It's all for show and yet I'm the one who will come out of this looking bad because I don't want a relationship with my sister.

She tells my parents how she wants me to be close to her and for us to spend time together but I just can't do it. I can't handle the constant up and down emotions, the outbursts, and the constant walking on eggshells around her. I can't trust her at all. She physically and emotionally wears me out and I can't take it much longer. She wants me to be the godmother to her future children (it's weird that she even asked and yet she isn't pregnant yet) and it's the absolute last thing I'd ever want to do. Truthfully, after the wedding, I want as little to do with her as possible. If I never saw her again, that would be fine with me. She's destroyed my family and has lead to years of pain and therapy.

My parents want us to be close and often say that "Your sister will be all you have left one day." I can't imagine a day when I'd ever need her. I haven't needed her for the past 30 years and she's caused me nothing but pain. I've tried to get past our issues but as soon as I do, she has an outburst or says something horrible and my walls get thrown up again. It's a vicious cycle and one that I'm desperate to end.

She keeps asking me if I've written a speech for her wedding. I don't really know what I'm going to say as it's going to feel like going to a wedding for a stranger. I feel nothing for her. I've come to accept that we'll never be close. I can't do it. I don't know how to deal with her anymore, especially when it comes to her wedding. My mom and I joke about how she's going to be an absolute monster on her wedding day... .only we both know that we aren't joking. I need boundaries with her but I don't even know where to start... .Maybe someone can give some advice?

[keepingcalm]

Hi DisappointedSis,

Thanks so much for your post.  I'm also a new poster.  I don't have advice per se as I am finding it tricky to navigate a similar situation myself.  But I can relate so very much to what you are experiencing and have experienced growing up with a younger sister with uBPD.  I can hear your frustration and the sense of injustice around how you may be perceived for not wanting an relationship with her. But I can understand why you don't.  If someone has no real, authentic concern or care for you, it is hard to reciprocate in an authentic way.  And if contact with your sister only leads to hurt, drama and problems, of course you don't feel motivated! It is basic survival to learn to avoid things/people that cause pain and hardship. If you've grown up in that environment you have implicit and explicit memories of her ways of relating to you and others and after 30 years you are wise to it all. 

I was wondering how much pressure you feel from your parents to be in your sister's life, and can they separate having a good relationship with you even when you and your sister are not in contact?  That piece has been the biggest and trickiest for me to navigate.  Do you have anyone else in your extended family that is aware of the dynamic and can offer you some support? My experience has been that if the BPD family member is setting the rules in the family, the person speaking the voice of reason can end up feeling like they are the one who is being difficult, and it's good to have another voice of reason who knows your sister to remind you you are not the one behaving badly.

I am also older (by 14 months) and have parents who expect me and my sister to get on (they have used exactly the same words- you are all each other will have one day).  They have cast me as the one who is rejecting and self righteous because I have made it clear that I am willing to have a relationship with my sister if she follows some basic boundaries and treats me as she would like to be treated.  As she is not able to do this at present (maybe never) I have needed to protect myself emotionally.  My parents find this abhorrent, they can not fathom why I need to protect myself from my own sister. 

Like you, I was the good daughter while my sister was a problem child. I was expected to make room for her/forgive/accept her behaviour and because I had better emotional and behavioural control my parents came to expect me to always be the bigger person and seem to think I can handle chronic high intensity emotions without negative impact... .  my sister reaches out when she wants something but conveys to my parents just how much she is making an effort with me, and that she wants a relationship (though not currently, she has been the one to cut me off in the last few months- since just before I had my first child).  But it does take its toll on me emotionally and I, like you, feel life gets simpler and better when I'm not on the roller coaster she takes people on. 

Even though we are not in contact and she has not even congratulated me on the birth of my daughter, she chats to my parents about me all the time, according to them, and conveys interest in my life. I find it all very manipulative as she presents a different face to me and to my parents. But it's typical for her (and for BPD I suspect) to have a huge rift with someone but not necessarily have a strong sense of loss... her feelings and moods and perceptions of people are contextless so she can just appear robust and the bigger person to my parents, while because I feel hurt and also to be frank a bit hardened to it all (I'm just so over it) I find it hard to talk about her with them a, hence making me appear cold and aloof.  Conveniently, my parents anger with me for- in her and their terms 'rejecting her'- seems to be working for her and her relationship with them so I don't expect her to ever acknowledge the truth or do or say anything that might take me out of the firing line...

A last question- how do you feel when you see other people's families and sibling relationships doing well?  Do you ever feel like you've been short changed? 

You're certainly not alone in all of this, DisappointedSis.  I wish you all the very best and thanks again for posting   

   

[Pilpel]

Whatever you do, don't give a speech at the wedding.  Tell your sister you don't plan to and stick to it. 

The BPD in my life is my SIL.  I realized something was off with her when she and my brother got engaged.  I offered to help with their wedding planning, and after two of the weirdest days of my life of driving her around, she ended up raging at me - every little thing I said was wrong and construed as offensive to her, and she accused me of all sorts of stuff - being controlling, asking too many questions, looking down on her social status.  I had never in my life met anyone like this, and quite honestly it left me feeling shell shocked for years. 

I didn't want to have anything to do with their wedding after that, but my brother pleaded with me to help out.  I did reluctantly, and tried to keep a good attitude.  At the wedding they had a DJ or something who went around with a microphone.  Somehow she found out I was the sister and asked me to say something.  I told her repeatedly that I didn't want to.  But she kept asking me to.  So finally I did.  I tried to be gracious but it was awkward. After all these years, I still regret that I agreed to help out and that I allowed myself to be pushed into giving a speech.

Years later SIL revealed that she had no memory of my brother pleading asking me to help, which I always thought he did at her request.  She believes that she 'allowed' me to help because she believed that was her doing me a favor. Just another What the heck moment. 

[Pilpel]

I wanted to add, too, that my SIL has also made kind of a big deal about making us guardians of her kids.  On one hand, well, that's good planning on their part, right?  Yet, in way, I've always felt like it was her way to make us feel a sense of connection or obligation.  And I do feel a connection to their kids.  But on the flip side, my brother and SIL have really made little to no effort to connect with my kids. Over the years I've seen both of them treat my kids as if they don't matter.  Our kids are all close in age, and over the years we've done our fair share of watching their kids, having them over for sleep overs, etc.  But we have never requested that they watch our kids.  And we have tried stay off that topic, because I really don't want them to watch our kids for any extended period of time.

I've seen my SIL treat my elderly mother very spitefully over the years, and yet she perceives herself as a victim that is justified in her action.  While she has made a big deal about making me and my husband her kid's guardians, if something were to happen to me and my husband, I would never want my sil and brother to be the guardians of my kids.  I'm not certain that she wouldn't end up treating one or both of my kids like she treats my mom. 

[wantyousafe]

Foe me it's helped a lot to realise that my sister is probably uBPD; somehow it's easier to accept that mental illness is causing her behaviour and not just *******... .put your own word there!

It seems from your post that your parents feel similarly trapped and helpless by her behaviour, if that is the case, could I suggest that you grit your teeth and "play the game" a little bit longer for the sake of this relationship.There's lots of great coping strategies on this website that should see you through.

Just get the wedding out of the way and then you'll be free as you'll have served your purpose

[Circle]

My advice to your first post follows. I haven't read the replies from others. Just want to put my 2 cents in.

I'd say, take the middle road. Wear the dress, show up, and take all the pain of the situation as best as possible. But, don't make a speech. Don't try to act excited, if you aren't; instead, just be yourself.

Use the wedding as a time to connect with the people in your family that you want to see. After all, you don't honestly care what your sister thinks of you; and understandably so! So, if you are talking to your favorite cousin Frank, or your Aunt Jenny - enjoy yourself. If your sister comes up to you and tries to pull you away from this, for something unimportant (not photos), refuse politely. If she makes a scene, it's HER making a scene; others will realize this. Her BPD behavior doesn't make her invisible; people see it.

So, relax and turn this into an event for YOU. And, once you have done all your duties (ceremony, photos, etc), do what you want to do with the evening, visit who you want to visit. 

Be strong; it's not going to be easy, but it will all be over before too long.

[unattached-sis]

I relate SO MUCH to your story. My sister is also 18 months younger than me. We've never been close, and she made my family life (and sometimes my social life) chaotic, to say the least. Years ago I decided to have no contact with her, but she still indirectly affects my life because of the chaos she continues to cause within my family. I am super lucky to have a mom who fully supports my decision to have no contact. She hoped we'd be close when we were younger, but as time went on she started to see the patterns and realize that wouldn't happen. My sister does occasionally ask family members to see if I'll talk to her or at least let her write to me, but I just can't handle it. She is getting married sometime this year, and I doubt I'll get an invite (she won't have my address). My mom is struggling with whether or not to go or not. She doesn't want to but feels that she's obligated to.

I choose to put myself first when it comes to her. We're in different states, so no contact isn't that difficult. I think you're doing the right thing for you by creating boundaries and protecting yourself. I agree with Circle's advice. If you have to go to this wedding, be there physically. Do what you have to do and keep a mental and emotional bubble around yourself. After the wedding, think about how you can create stronger boundaries. Can you stop having contact with her?

[beatup]

 I can relate & sympathize with your situation. Maybe you could tell sis that public speaking is not your strong suit and someone else would be more suitable to the task? I think my sis might be mad if I chose to skip speech so I would prepare for that... .maybe mad enough to get you out of the wedding altogether. 

My uBPD sis knows me very well and plays to my strengths & weaknesses. Does your sis know you very well too? My sis will set me up... .knowing what my response will be so that she can be angry. She would view me as selfish not to want to give a speech... .cuz it is all about her.

  Welcome to BPD family.

[Star_24]

I can relate so much to your situation! My younger sister is also 18 months younger than me and although she wasn't necessarily a problem child per se, I was the higher achiever which lead to constant comparisons against me. It's understandable but even from an early age she has been a selfish person who has never made any friends. Every friend she has had has been pushed away or been accused of 'bullying' her.

I want to cut her out of my life because it's emotionally draining now but unfortunately she still lives at home (I have moved out). I don't care about her anymore as harsh as that sounds but I care about the impact she is having on my other family member's lives and it's them I worry about.