Shock, almost a year later

[molitor]

           I just sit here sometimes and cant believe what occurred; that something like BPD exists. I have my good weeks and my bad as far as ruminations, but she never leaves my head... .the words/moments shared. The sting is gone for the most part, and I see it for the disorder that it is... .but I cant shake all the good memories. As we all know, the good was amazing... and my biggest fear is I wont find that again. I read that the idealization in itself is unhealthy, but damn did it feel right.

    It has been 11 months since my abrupt discard, and I know this one left a mark. I was picky to begin with, and then I met her. I swore for 4 years God made her for me. She was a BPD waif, so there was never any yelling. Just, one bad moment after 4 years of great memories, and she had a replacement 5 days later. As if I never existed. Same story as most here.

      I dont really have any point to this post, just wanted to vent I suppose. I would be interested in hearing any success stories of moving on, or finding happiness again. I have hurt and moved on from other girls, but a year later and I feel like I just experienced the love of my life... .

[Yaryar87]

I don't have a success story yet but you're not alone. It's hard to move on after a love with BPD.  I suppose because of trauma bonding?  I too fear that I will never find love like I had with him again.  But sometimes I question myself was it really love.  I too get discarded and it's the worst feeling in the world.  It shouldn't be that way.  Someone who loves you should t be able to throw you away so easily.  I'm sorry this is happening to you

[Mutt]

Hi molitor,



I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I think that it takes time to let go of an ex with BPD. It's been three years since the break-up and I can see that I'm a lot happier than I was in the relationship and before I met my ex. What I found helpful for me was sharing my story here on these boards, psychotherapy and behavioral changes. Everyone is different and what works for one person may not necessarily work for the next person, we all heal differently.

I have a question, have you kept in touch with her in the last year?

[Herodias]

I feel the exact same way. I have no interest in dating, because I don't think I am ever going to have the feeling I did with him. I am trying to remember the bad though, so I hope I never have that feeling again ; )

I know he is doing the same thing with the new gf, so it shows how fake it really was... .but it wasn't to me. It really messes with you. I am changed for good. I do know I am in a very different place in my head that I was when I met him. Much more mature and much more aware. It's like we have been through hell and survived. The say it is a form of PTSD, so if you think of it that way... .it does take time to become normalized again. The longer this goes on, the more I realize he doesn't care about me AT ALL. I am trying to do the same. I don't care if he fails anymore, because to me it's karma. I am careful not to wish it on him, because I don't want the same. He has been so mean to me and in reality, it doesn't matter if he is mentally ill. He is mean... .and has done terrible, terrible things to me. That's what I know for sure.

[molitor]

Yaryar87, I do think it is the damaged part of ourselves that allowed the trauma bonding. For me, I like being her white knight. One would think after years of being there for someone, deep feelings shared, and a future planned, closure or a proper "goodbye" would be expected! I havent heard from her since...

Mutt, no I have maintained strict NC, as recommended. Although, that hurts too that she hasnt reached out. Sadly, I wanted the recycle attempt... even though I know this paper cant be unwrinkled.

Herodias, I hear you. I have been on a few dates as of late. Im not giving up, but have no real interest in dating and have almost accepted a life of being single. She definitely changed me. I like what you said, " it wasnt fake to me", I couldnt agree more. Its hard for me to get angry with her though, knowing what I know (BPD) My kind side feels for her and thinks she is just trying to survive in her hell... .but I was done wrong, and Im TRYING to focus on that.

    I just cant believe someone can impact me so deeply, this far out... .thank you for the kind replies.

[europa]

From the forums, it's interesting to read how many people were affected by their love and felt they'd met The One.  How deeply in love they'd become and then to have had that ripped away from them.  As someone wrote on my post earlier - it's a lovebomb we're given.

I felt I'd met The One only to have the same thing happen and it's difficult but to focus on one's self and let go is the best advice.  That said, it's easier to say than do, isn't it?

[Fr4nz]

Point is, when a person with BPD attaches to a new partner, a "fusional fantasy" kicks in: they really feel to have found THE ONE, the one who will COMPLETE them, the one who will validate them, the one who will fill their voids and reduce their emotional pains; the one who will love them unconditionally. From here, the initial idealization and love-bombing.

However, such fantasy is not sane, since the pedestal onto which they put us is not real and the very fantasy stems from deep issues rooted in their psyche. Obviously, the fantasy is doomed to end, as the reality progressively kicks in.

Indeed, BPD is classified as a thought disorder since the sufferer repeats these behavioural/thought patterns across different relationships, without realizing there's something wrong in such patterns and try to solve these problems consequently.

As a final note, a word about the way BPDs love: the profound love they felt for us was not an act, nor it was false: it was indeed love, but a form of love which is the result of a fantasy stemming from profound issues in their psyche.

A "sane" love has undoubtedly different characteristics: above all, there's "sane" love when two persons can establish a true "intimacy", i.e., an environment where they can be themselves and there is no fear to express the deepest thoughts to the partner. And if you especially think about this, most of the BPD sufferers wear some sort of mask in order to hide their psycological issues... .

[WoundedBibi]

Point is, when a person with BPD attaches to a new partner, a "fusional fantasy" kicks in: they really feel to have found THE ONE, the one who will COMPLETE them, the one who will validate them, the one who will fill their voids and reduce their emotional pains. From here, the initial love-bombing.

However, such fantasy is not sane, since it stems from deep issues in their psyche, and it is doomed to end once reality kicks slowly in.

BPD is, indeed, a disorder since the sufferer repeats these behavioural patterns across different relationships, without realizing there's something wrong in such behaviours and try to sove these problems consequently.

Their profound love was not an act, nor it was false: it was indeed love, but a form of love which is the result of a fantasy stemming from profound issues in their psyche. A "sane" love has undoubtedly different characteristics.

Exactly!

And for a lot of us NONs it's the same; it's the fantasy of having found the one. The one that will complete us, make our void, our issues disappear. And unless we learn how to complete ourselves, fill our own void, have no need to be anyone's white knight we will continue to get together with people suffering from a PD.

And there are PDs that will have an even bigger negative effect on us than BPD.

[JRT]

the OP was as if it was written on my behalf... .I can relate!   

Unfortunately, no success story a year and a half after the discard. I have been dating and the only good thing that has become of this is that I can spot similar problems with those that I meet The bad news is that that all the ones that are left seem to have similar problems. :-( 

[Fr4nz]

the OP was as if it was written on my behalf... .I can relate!  

Unfortunately, no success story a year and a half after the discard. I have been dating and the only good thing that has become of this is that I can spot similar problems with those that I meet The bad news is that that all the ones that are left seem to have similar problems. :-(  

Well, I have to say that the ladies I have dated after my uBPD/HPD ex gf are far more emotionally sane and stable; they made me realize how much problematic my ex was... .and she was indeed problematic from day one!

[WoundedBibi]

the OP was as if it was written on my behalf... .I can relate!   

Unfortunately, no success story a year and a half after the discard. I have been dating and the only good thing that has become of this is that I can spot similar problems with those that I meet The bad news is that that all the ones that are left seem to have similar problems. :-( 

Maybe you are going on dates with the wrong ones. Maybe you are somehow attracted to women with issues.

[WoundedBibi]

As we all know, the good was amazing... and my biggest fear is I wont find that again. I read that the idealization in itself is unhealthy, but damn did it feel right.

If a junkie manages to kick his heroin habit nothing will ever give him that high again.

He will always somehow long for it though. If he would reach that high again it can only be because he has found that drug again or another one.

I think it's like that with us and BPDs.

On the one hand I'm afraid too I will never feel that happy again. On the other hand I think I shouldn't even want to. I can only mean I have found another guy with a PD.

[Herodias]

Yes... .making you feel like "the one" then going to the next person and make them feel like "the one"... .it's ridiculous. While my exes gf was posting everything to the public on FB, she was saying all of these things! "He completes me"... ." He is the one"... ."He is the best man in the world", so ridiculous! I actually hope she is BPD and I don't even know it... .now that would be a twist of karma for both of them! LOL She left her husband after 6 years for mine. She was love-bombing her husband one month and mine the next... .she doesn't have many friends and people told me she was "off"... .could be... .I met a man today whose daughter has BPD... .she is 21 with a baby. He told me all kinds of awful stuff... .He said he believes people should get to know someone a year before they make it serious by moving in together or marriage. I agree. Remember, moving too fast is red flag. Love is worth waiting for if you actually do find the right one... .not "the one".

[once removed]

following the addiction analogy, i think that would spell doom for our future relationships and mean its unsafe to ever enter one. if we are addicted to our exes, addicted to relationships, then every relationship will mean either chasing the high and/or trying to manage the addiction.

we are wired for bonding and there are very real effects on our chemistry when we do - they breed feelings of idealization and a tendency to idealize. the back and forth of idealization and devaluation certainly takes its toll, and some may experience withdrawal, some may act deliberately to return to idealization, but in my opinion this makes for a more loaded bond than addiction - drugs cant reject a person or withhold love. the cutoff of this loaded bond results in, usually, profound and complex grief. idealization is inherently extreme, but it is a natural consequence of bonding, hormones, etc. most children idealize their parents. how do we find the balance? reality testing is one way. no one is perfect, and no one is the solution to our problems. that doesnt mean my next girlfriend wont be "the prettiest girl in the whole wide world"  .

ive never consciously experienced a bond like i had with my ex, someone i could be so comfortable with and it seemed so easy. ultimately it did not meet reality nor was it all healthy. in fact the bond was really child like in retrospect. i feel kind of uneasy looking back on what seemed so comfortable because it isnt now.

a lot of this hypothetical, "will i ever meet someone i feel so strongly toward," is about rewiring. experiencing whats "normal", experiencing what makes us happy consistently, and reality testing. belief systems may need changing, and that will probably entail practice, some retraining of what feels "right". especially toward the end of the relationship, i was living on adrenaline. that had very real chemical consequences on me when the relationship ended. it was suggested to me that i literally, from time to time, blast myself in the face with cold water, as a way of rewiring my body and its responses.

yes, you can go on to find happy, healthy relationships that enrich your life. have you explored what the ideal relationship entails for you molitor?

[molitor]

Thank you everyone for the stories; it is nice to relate. I feel like I have joined ranks with those that are emotionally damaged, too afraid to give love another chance. If I was this duped, it makes it a bit scary to navigate those seas again.

   Once removed, honestly... .me and my ex never fought, she was the waif type. I found her to be the epitome of what I was after in a woman. I can look back and see how she tried to be exactly what I wanted, but it still felt right and natural. I suppose Im no where near knowing what I want, other than I want to leave her in the past and heal... .

[rfriesen]

I wholeheartedly agree with what once removed is saying. By the end of my relationship with my BPD ex, I was also just running on adrenaline. When the idealization and fantasy finally and truly crumbled, so did my nervous system, it felt like. It's been almost a month now and I still have tightness in my chest, and anxiety in my gut. I often wake up with a pounding heart. The intensity of the physical connection I had always interpreted as love, but in hindsight it's not a sustainable or healthy form of love.

Yesterday and again today, my ex reached out, seemingly to test whether I wanted to get back together. It set off a whole set of physiological reactions - heart pounding, anxiety, loss of appetite - even though I have no trouble being firm in my decision now. But it does feel just like withdrawal. A hard sobering up -- and all the pathology of the way she loves is much clearer now.

She texted me saying she's leaving her new guy's place but all she can think of is our connection. I point out to her she's always had trouble setting boundaries with men, and now she's reaching out to me even though she's with someone else. She replies that it took her "so long" to find someone she even "partially" connected with. It's not even a month since we split! (though probably longer that she's been at least looking) And then a number of texts along the lines of "I love you so much, but I can never accept the person you want to be" (that's in response to me still being friends with one ex I dated years before her); "I love you so much, and I just want to forget everything about you."

Those are not healthy expressions of love. I don't see how someone who thinks of love in those terms can ever have a stable love life. When I was in the midst of it and running on adrenaline and just trying to manage the constant emotional crisis, I couldn't see it clearly. Doesn't mean I would never let myself idealize again and fall for someone -- but like once removed says, you've got to test reality and be aware of pathological idealization. My ex chases idealization for the high, and it leads her away from anything stable to chaos and pain. Yesterday she also was "destroyed" that I didn't tell her I was visiting a city where she happened to be the same weekend, a couple of weeks ago. First, I couldn't have known she would be there. Second, she said she was there with her new guy! I pointed out to her that it makes no sense for her to wish I had told her I was there. She said, "Ok, fair. It wouldn't have been a good idea to tell me you were there. But now I'm dying inside. You so were close to me. I can't. I just can't believe it. I can't take this anymore."

Again, those emotions have no grounding in any possible stable reality. I could feel my emotions rising up, could feel the high kicking in again at her longing for me. I can't deny I felt that. But what an insane longing! It's utterly hopeless.

Anyway, my point is that if we're careful in being aware of the way idealization is being expressed and shown, then it shouldn't be too hard to distinguish healthy from unhealthy. But for those of us who were sucked into the intense, unstable BPD world, something blinded us to the distinction. It's hard to accept that and correct it moving forward. It felt so good at first to give in to the blindingly intense longing, that mad craving. But I certainly don't want to get sucked back into that chaos now.

[Trog]

           I just sit here sometimes and cant believe what occurred; that something like BPD exists. I have my good weeks and my bad as far as ruminations, but she never leaves my head... .the words/moments shared. The sting is gone for the most part, and I see it for the disorder that it is... .but I cant shake all the good memories. As we all know, the good was amazing... and my biggest fear is I wont find that again. I read that the idealization in itself is unhealthy, but damn did it feel right.

    It has been 11 months since my abrupt discard, and I know this one left a mark. I was picky to begin with, and then I met her. I swore for 4 years God made her for me. She was a BPD waif, so there was never any yelling. Just, one bad moment after 4 years of great memories, and she had a replacement 5 days later. As if I never existed. Same story as most here.

      I dont really have any point to this post, just wanted to vent I suppose. I would be interested in hearing any success stories of moving on, or finding happiness again. I have hurt and moved on from other girls, but a year later and I feel like I just experienced the love of my life... .

Moving on from this is a process. The process is not about them and their illness at all (BTW I need you to read that out loud 10 times and truly take it to heart because the key to healing here is to realise your part in this, not to blame yourself but to understand why this happened to YOU) but realising you were totally primed for a BPD relationship, their choosing you was no mistake as you fit perfectly into the magnetic BPD dance likely because you're a co-dependent (read, socialised to put others first and much more giving in nature - till eventually the dog turns round and bites). I have often pointed out that my brothers, father and friends, while can agree she is not physically unappealing would often tell me "That woman is fricking horrible" and "Why do you put up with her", that it takes a special kind of someone to even be with a BPD. "Special" is something you dont want to be in this analogy.

What you describe is a world away from my experience though, I find it amazing that you had a long sustained and peaceful relationship with any kind of BPD where they just got up and left and found someone else after 5 days with no red flags, abuse or anything that would give you a feeling that something was wrong. Are you being real with yourself there?

[molitor]

Hey Trog-

    Thanks for the reply, and I am definitely the giving type. Too much so throughout my life. I also fit codependent traits. I have some self reflection to do I suppose. I just dont see how its bad to be a good person.

    My ex was a BPD waif, so she never lashed out. Looking back, it was a hell of a roller coaster ride though. Deep, movie love one week straight and then a "hiatus" because of another stressor in her life. I always bought the reasoning, and like others, was addicted to the high of her coming back around and loving me like none other. Until this time she didnt... .  What an eye opening experience. Tired of the ruminations one year out!

[Herodias]

I heard a talk about love... .if you are feeling that euphoric love like we did in the beginning of these relationships, we need to beware. They said real love is a deep bond that takes time to develop. Watch out for the movie style for sure... .

[WoundedBibi]

I heard a talk about love... .if you are feeling that euphoric love like we did in the beginning of these relationships, we need to beware. They said real love is a deep bond that takes time to develop. Watch out for the movie style for sure... .

That is exactly what I meant. Thanks for rephrasing Herodias!

We should be able to love again, I don't doubt that, but not as if we're addicts that have lost our minds. A little blindness will go with love always, that's fine, but not sweeping off of feet anymore, no love bombing. Realise the difference between intense and intimate. No more Hollywood fakery for me.