Thanks for the book recommendation
People with BPD indeed often struggle in (personal) relationships resulting in a higher likelihood of conflict.
Has this book perhaps also shown you new strategies for dealing with your mother? Perhaps new ways of interacting with her that might reduce the level of conflict?
Hi Kwamina, I just started reading the book so I don't know. Actually the first insight I got was about myself, I have turned into a high conflict person in my closest relationships. I do know that when I was younger I lacked the skill set to not fight with my mother, and, I couldn't just walk away as a minor. Now I can as an adult.
It would make sense that I would choose a husband like my mother because that was the kind of conflict I was used to getting into. My mother always liked my ex and blamed me for his relapse, which I know I'm not responsible for.
This is something many members have posted about. Some members have started out on others boards only to later realize that their own parents are/were disordered which influenced them in later life as they got into relationships. Not necessarily because they like the conflict, but more because this was all they were used to and in a sense felt 'normal'.
I've always known my family was dysfunctional but it wasn't until last year that I learned that my dad was narcissistic, and now I'm learning that my mom is high conflict. My first husband was definitely high conflict, he was in a gang before he met me and he had a history of domestic violence.
You indeed aren't responsible for your ex relapsing. Why is it do you think your mother likes your ex so? Do you perhaps feel she liked the way he was treating you?
My mom likes my ex because of his race, my father says that's why she gives him a pass. My ex is a very likable, nice person, if you like that kind of thing. Underneath the surface he's an immature victim, but that's only if you care to get that far.
My mother liked the fact she could pawn me off on my ex. When I got out of Americorps in my early 20s rather then let me come back home for a few months to get my feet back on the ground, she made me go live with my ex who found us a place to live with a racist drug dealer whom I had to call the police on after he verbally accosted me. That was the only time I've ever called the police as an adult because of a individual not in my family.
Perhaps it's also because she is so used to the conflict that she too felt most comfortable when you were involved with another high conflict individual just like your mother. Do you think that might be what was going on?
I think that's probably closer to the truth. My mom likes drama and there was always plenty of drama with my ex.
