BPD fear of being alone

[Rayban]

I was thinking back on my exBPDgf and remember her saying how difficult it was to be alone, especially at night. She always had to be doing some type of activity, which isn't unhealthy, but I think it was her way of meeting new people.

She had her own place, and would call me or text me sometimes late into the night when we weren't together. She rarely refused to sleep over when I offered. We would spend 3 or four days seeing each other, and then she would take a few days off, while still maintaining limited phone or text contact.

I believe that in those periods she had found a new shiny toy. Some other man or woman who she would bed, while keeping me on the back burner. I never caught her cheating, but I remember times when she would have a different scent, like she had been with someone else that same day.

I think she needed different people in her life. Conquest was a major form of validation for her. She would bore easily, and looking back I'm certain that she was with others, when we weren't together. I get sick thinking about how many people she's slept with. She's been on her own since 18, and she often referenced different relationships in her life. A lot of these relationships seem to involve a barter system, involving her offering sex in exchange for something else. Near the end she would reference stuff like, ''oh you earned some sexy time tonight'' Always said like it was a joke., but she was serious. In the fog, I chose to ignore it. Just wish I had realize that this person could never be in a monogamous relationship.

[zeus123]

Cheating is one of the nine BPD traits. She has to cheat it's self fulfilling prophecy. A BPD bed never gets cold, a BPD will never change because she doesn't have to! Her great looks and captivating charms continually allow her to seduce men, which feeds her narcissism. Even with overwhelming evidence about her cheating was stacked against her, and you were unequivocally certain that she did; her brilliant (but twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details, to where her denial often make sense ~even if she completely contradicted herself. If your guts telling you that she cheated because of course she did...

[once removed]

hi rayban  

i recall the nightly loneliness my ex would experience. it was really sad, and i was usually powerless to make her feel any better. god knows i tried. id remind her of how i loved her, id remind her how much i wanted to be her husband, id remind her of others that loved and cared about her, reminded her the feeling would pass, remind her of things to look forward to... .

shed start crying, or if she wasnt, i could tell that she would be as we hung up. this was one of the things i recall feeling a lot of compassion for after we broke up. if anything, my reminders probably only served to make her feel worse, in that if she couldnt sense those things, there was something very wrong (and there was). i too, came to the conclusion that my ex likely sought out others many times during these periods. its excruciating to cope with, but it speaks to the fact that this was an emptiness no one and nothing could fill.

keep in mind that people with BPD feel chronic feelings of emptiness. they gain a sense of self through attachments. if those attachments are not physically present, a pwBPD can feel profoundly empty, or even as if they do not exist.

its really sad.

zeus123 i encourage you to review the diagnostic criteria for BPD. "cheating" is not one of the nine traits and you are confusing borderline personality disorder with narcissism.

[Mutt]

Hi Rayban,

I hear regret. It sounds like she couldn't commit to an exclusive relationship. It sounds like you cared for her alot.

[zeus123]

Once removed. Cheating is trait number 4 in DSM lV and DSM V for a borderline.

[WoundedBibi]

Cheating is one of the nine BPD traits. She has to cheat it's self fulfilling prophecy. A BPD bed never gets cold, a BPD will never change because she doesn't have to! Her great looks and captivating charms continually allow her to seduce men, which feeds her narcissism. Even with overwhelming evidence about her cheating was stacked against her, and you were unequivocally certain that she did; her brilliant (but twisted) logic and verbal dexterity could distort facts and details, to where her denial often make sense ~even if she completely contradicted herself. If your guts telling you that she cheated because of course she did...

Can we make this about pwBPD please? Guys with BPD cheat just as much...

[once removed]

criteria #4 (in both versions) is impulsivity. impulsivity might include cheating, it might include eating a bag of chips, it might include blowing up at someone, it might include monogamous sex. for that matter, cheating could be the result of any of the majority of the diagnostic criteria, and could certainly be a result of difficulty with feelings of loneliness or being alone.

cheating is common in many of our stories, it is not a diagnostic criteria or unique to BPD. as members who seek a greater understanding we should avoid painting with a broad brush.

[Nuitari]

My ex was always going on and on about how her life was empty, and how she was worthless. She genuinely believed these things, and I can see now that practically everything she did, not just cheating, was an attempt to flee from this feeling. Everything was an addiction for her. Sex was an addiction. I am hesitant to label alcohol as was one of her addictions because, as far as I can tell, she never let it interfere with other aspects of her life, but she would drink a lot for the sole purpose of "getting drunk." It was like she was using it to run from something. Even her school was a form of addiction. She is very intelligent (had a 3.94 GPA), and her studying became an almost unhealthy obsession. When she didn't get accepted to grad school she took it hard. I remember how she kept talking about her feeling of "non-fulfillment." When I take a step back and look at the big picture, I can see that everything she's done during her adult life has been a desperate attempt to fill a void. When one thing doesn't work out, she quickly moves on to something (or someone) else.

My ex was married. So I know for a fact that she cheated because I was the "other guy." But she really had me convinced that she loved me, and the hardest thing I'm going through right now is waking up to the realization that I was just another "addiction," something she was using to keep her inner demons at bay.  

[Nuitari]

double post. Sorry.

[lunchbox123]

My ex was always going on and on about how her life was empty, and how she was worthless. She genuinely believed these things, and I can see now that practically everything she did, not just cheating, was an attempt to flee from this feeling. Everything was an addiction for her. Sex was an addiction. I am hesitant to label alcohol as was one of her addictions because, as far as I can tell, she never let it interfere with other aspects of her life, but she would drink a lot for the sole purpose of "getting drunk." It was like she was using it to run from something. Even her school was a form of addiction. She is very intelligent (had a 3.94 GPA), and her studying became an almost unhealthy obsession. When she didn't get accepted to grad school she took it hard. I remember how she kept talking about her feeling of "non-fulfillment." When I take a step back and look at the big picture, I can see that everything she's done during her adult life has been a desperate attempt to fill a void. When one thing doesn't work out, she quickly moves on to something (or someone) else.

I identify 100% with this. My exBPDgf had the exact same, there was always something taking up 90% of her time. Whether it was putting together a project, being on the committee of her sports team, taking care of an elderly man she had met through work, working 80 hours a week or trying to find a dog to adopt. She was always making sure all her time was occupied to make sure she wasn't alone with her thoughts.

When we had a heart to heart about this she confessed she was terrified of being alone, not having something to do. It's really sad to think that they do their best to project to the world they are confident independent people but really they're rife with emptiness, insecurity and self doubt.

I wish my exBPD a good life but I know she has a lot of hardship ahead of her.