I want to detach with more peace than anger

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am getting stuck in thoughts that he is a terrible, cruel, a calculated monster!  

That he was laughing and had glee in his eyes the whole time he was abusing me! Or at the very least the times he painted me black! I don't want to habor hate! I don't think he was a straight up sociopath. I remember times he would cry inconsolably when I wanted to leave! I remember how needy and child like he acted! How he couldn't even go into the pool at the hotel alone without me there. We did have a lot of fun together. But he cheated the whole time and would rage at me. And like I said spit on me in my face. I spent close to 30k dating him. On trips, dinners, etc,... During our time. Please help me understand their side of thinking or acting. I am filled with deep pain, anger and rage at how he deeply used me and conned me and how he just was cheating all the time. It's so crushing ,  .  I want to detach with more peace than anger. How do I get there. I feel maybe understanding their sickness would help. But it has me back and fourth with my emotions

[Itstopsnow]

I am getting stuck in thoughts that he is a terrible, cruel, a calculated monster!  

That he was laughing and had glee in his eyes the whole time he was abusing me! Or at the very least the times he painted me black! I don't want to habor hate! I don't think he was a straight up sociopath. I remember times he would cry inconsolably when I wanted to leave! I remember how needy and child like he acted! How he couldn't even go into the pool at the hotel alone without me there. We did have a lot of fun together. But he cheated the whole time and would rage at me. And like I said spit on me in my face. I spent close to 30k dating him. On trips, dinners, etc,... During our time. Please help me understand their side of thinking or acting. I am filled with deep pain, anger and rage at how he deeply used me and conned me and how he just was cheating all the time. It's so crushing ,  .  I want to detach with more peace than anger. How do I get there. I feel maybe understanding their sickness would help. But it has me back and fourth with my emotions

[lovenature]

I am not a senior member, but I can offer my point of view from what I have learned; a pwBPD has protective traits such as projection, gas lighting, splitting-they all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment (remember, to a pwBPD feelings=facts). I think the saddest part of the disorder is the closer you get, the more they push you away - the ones who love them the most are who they hurt the most.

Some believe they are master manipulators that use and abuse people, I think their illness prevents them from having the healthy, mature, reciprocal relationship they really want; they have to hurt the ones who love them to alleviate their inner pain of shame and hate.

Without years of therapy, it just isn't possible to have a close, intimate, mature, healthy relationship with a pwBPD.

Look after yourself; find out why you accepted what you did and stayed as long as you did.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Itstopsnow,

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling a bit tormented with thoughts of hating your ex. I myself can feel very uncomfortable with anger. But you know, this can be a good sign in your recovery! As long as it doesn't become malignant, so to speak. Feelings of anger and even thoughts of revenge are a normal part of the grieving and healing process, and if you can allow yourself to simply feel the emotions, they will dissipate; if you judge yourself and cycle into a mental "story," you may not really be feeling them and they will stick around until you do. I'm afraid there is no way through recovery without feeling our emotions.

My advice is to focus on your body—not the mental stories in your head, which are likely not telling you the truth anyway. To quote a well known trauma specialist, Bessel Van der Kolk: "the body keeps the score."  Let the anger move through you and feel the sensations. Is is hot? Is it hard, steely, tingling, a cramping feeling? Try to let the sensations move through your body. No need to attach all the stories to it, which only causes more suffering.

Vigorous exercise is another thing I'd recommend to help.

Also, have you checked out Susan Anderson's book? It really helped me. Here's the link:

The Journey from Abandonment to Healing

These are normal feelings, Itstopsnow. Hang in there. I know how hard it is to be on the emotional rollercoaster. Let yourself feel. And let us know how you are doing. 

(Just a note: If you sense some kind of deep trauma coming up that you feel you cannot handle at all, then it is best to work with a professional in order to work at a slower pace, phasing in the emotions as you are able to process them).


heartandwhole 

[Ahoy]

I think I'm dealing with the same questions bubbling up in my head every damn minute of every damn day. I don't have an answer sorry.

On a side note I think you need a little compliment after a long day, I have been slowly going back through these pages when I feel overwhelmed by my thoughts, I think these forums are emotional aspirin!

What I wanted to say though (the compliment bit!), was that your posts and comments are always amazingly articulate and well written, It sucks you are writing about such a painful subject, however given that you are still dealing with so much hurt, have you ever thought about using writing to channel your hurt/pain... .sort of turn it into something positive?

I'm not a musician, however I understand some of the best songs ever written are ones that come from the heart, maybe it's the same for writing. Why don't you use these emotions and write out a short story, happy or sad I bet it would be a great distraction and make for a magical read. 

Just my 2cents!

[C.Stein]

I want to detach with more peace than anger. How do I get there. I feel maybe understanding their sickness would help. But it has me back and fourth with my emotions

In the end it isn't about understanding it's about acceptance.

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you all so much for the responses! I do feel so uncomfortable with the feelings of hate. And Ahoy, that was such a nice compliment! I really appreciate it! He was trying to slander me online recently but I put an end to that. It's so hard to let go of such deep betrayal and abuse. But I will have to learn to do it. This is the hardest thing I've ever dealt with. 

[WoundedBibi]

I want to detach with more peace than anger. How do I get there.

I get that. I wanted that too. I think I'm getting close to detachment. I had to go through anger first though. There is no short cut around anger. Does anger scare you or are you afraid you won't be able to let go of the anger and get stuck? What do you do express your anger/hate? What do you fantasize of doing to him? What does your T say about it?

[Mutt]

Hi Itstopsnow,

I'm sorry to hear that. I would like to add to what L loveisnature said about  pwBPD and that they are not capable of sustaining an adult emotionally mature relationship. A pwBPD do have empathy but can be self absorbed when they are overwhelmed with their emotions.

I would like to touch what heartandwhole said about anger. Anger is healthy because it helps with detaching from unhealthy relationship and it is a normal stage in the 5 stages of grieving loss. I also suggest going to the gym and taking really good care of yourself. Hang in there.

PERSPECTIVES: The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss

[FannyB]

Hi Itstopsnow

It's no surprise you're struggling given what you invested both emotionally and financially in the relationship only to be treated so cruelly by someone you loved so deeply.

Sometimes we need to understand in order to process events and ultimately accept. Given how needy your ex was I think we can rule out any sociopath label applying here. The question then is why did he appear to enjoy hurting you?  With borderlines 'feelings = facts' so if you enforced a boundary for example and he didn't like it then it was YOU who made him feel bad. Considering that most pwBPD have arrested emotional development, then like most children, when your ex was hurt he wanted to hurt who he saw as the source of his pain i.e. you. Probably fuelled with self-righteous indignation and a need to 'even the score' he may have appeared to delight in causing you pain. By acting out in this way he probably got temporary relief from his inner turmoil - only to regress into childlike self-pity when you threatened to leave after one of his episodes.

You have every right to feel angry at his treatment of you as he is an adult capable of making choices. But the likelihood that he set out to hurt you or took some sadistic pleasure in causing you pain is almost certainly not the case. He was a tortured soul unable to regulate his emotions and make good choices. You are well shot of him but he probably deserves your pity as much as your anger as he is destined to repeat his mistakes whilst better times await you. 

Fanny

[WoundedBibi]

The question then is why did he appear to enjoy hurting you? With borderlines 'feelings = facts' so if you enforced a boundary for example and he didn't like it then it was YOU who made him feel bad. Considering that most pwBPD have arrested emotional development, then like most children, when your ex was hurt he wanted to hurt who he saw as the source of his pain i.e. you. Probably fuelled with self-righteous indignation and a need to 'even the score' he may have appeared to delight in causing you pain. By acting out in this way he probably got temporary relief from his inner turmoil - only to regress into childlike self-pity when you threatened to leave after one of his episodes.

You have every right to feel angry at his treatment of you as he is an adult capable of making choices. But the likelihood that he set out to hurt you or took some sadistic pleasure in causing you pain is almost certainly not the case. He was a tortured soul unable to regulate his emotions and make good choices. You are well shot of him but he probably deserves your pity as much as your anger as he is destined to repeat his mistakes whilst better times await you. 

Fanny

My ex never cried, begged or pleaded. He is more the quiet type. I think he showed his neediness in a different way. Also the biggest harm he tried to do to me was after the relationship was over. Nonetheless I think above also goes for my ex and I and sometimes it is good to be reminded of that. Thank you Fanny 

[Itstopsnow]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful input! I especially want to thank you Fanny! I love to read when you answe people on here! You are so insightful and your posts are very thought provoking and help me to realize things from msny different perspectives! Most people on here have great I advise and insight to these people and the issues of their illnesses.